As you can tell by the date in the above URL, I wrote something about being bisexual and being in a relationship back in 2012… but after visiting the blog of someone who recently visited me – http://biwifelifeblog.wordpress.com/ – I am reminded that there are many bisexuals, male and female, who get caught up between the desires of their sexuality and the restrictions that their vows of marriage place upon them, more often than not leaving them without an outlet for their other desires and/or, sadly, breaking their vows of fidelity and monogamy.
It’s a tough position to be in – and that’s putting it very mildly. It can be quite depressing knowing that you have sexual and/or intimate desires for a member of the same sex and because you’ve promised to keep only unto yourself, you can’t do a damned thing about it. This is the situation that makes others say that bisexuals cannot be faithful which is really a partial truth because those folks who aren’t bisexual simply do not understand what’s going on here; the pressure on bisexuals to be bisexual can be greater than the social (and perhaps even spiritual) need to be faithful at all times and in all things.
Short of foregoing their sexuality, bisexuals in committed relationships have only two choices if they absolutely, positively have to act and just having the emotional comfort of accepting their bisexualityh just ain’t enough: Cheating… or some form of negotiated infidelity. Unspeakable and unthinkable, you say? The mere thought of this violates everything you’ve learned about the sanctity of marriage and holding fast to promises made? If you thought this, you’d be correct but, uh, because you’re bisexual you’ve already crossed a few lines that shouldn’t have been crossed to begin with, haven’t you?
And, yes, even if you’re not married to your partner and you’ve been with them for almost any length of time, the same rules that apply to married couples also applies to you; ya might not be bound by vows but you are bound to follow the same rules of monogamy.
Having a partner that understands your duality is so important just like having a partner who isn’t going to act like a little bitch and get all shitty about the fact that you can go either way. Those things, while fantastic and conducive to good communication in the relationship, sadly, ain’t gonna get you laid in the ways you need to get laid – talk about being stuck between a very large rock and a very hard place!
Some bisexuals cheat because it’s easier to beg forgiveness than it is to ask permission and under the assumption that what one’s partner doesn’t know can’t hurt them… and that’s pure bullshit because eventually, anyone who cheats will get caught and the results are usually totally devastating for everyone involved. Some bisexuals have invoked negotiated infidelity… but with disastrous results; they didn’t really sit down and talk/think things out before jumping into the darker waters; more often than not, they find that the water is a whole lot deeper than they anticipated and not the easy to stand in shallows that this appears to be at first glance.
Did I mention that this is one royal bitch of a situation to be in? The good thing – or the bad one pending on your beliefs – is that a lot of couples are sticking their toes into the waters of negotiated infidelity because they have found that keeping only unto yourselves doesn’t exactly get the bulldog fed. With careful planning and a very thorough understanding of each other’s desires and needs, a lot of couples are finding that they can have other sexual interests and without doing any damage to their relationship; it remains very loving and intact and prosperous because certain…uh, pressures are being released rather than contained and suppressed.
As I usually say about this, it’s not something for the weak or faint of heart and mind; to get your feet wet in this pool, you had better have your shit totally together all up and down the line and it’s important to remember a seriously important fact: This door can swing both ways – what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, too, and a lot of this is about maintaining equality in the relationship because it doesn’t seem fair or right if homeboy has permission to indulge in his urges but girlfriend, who gave him permission, isn’t allow to pursue any ‘extra’ desires of her own – and that’s sexuality notwithstanding, by the way. Yes, there are some couples who will let one person go do their thing and not want to do anything of their own… but there really isn’t such an animal as a free lunch and one would do well to remember this always.
So it is best to communicate like never before and to have a plan – and some backup plans – in place before you even think about entering into negotiated infidelity. To the question of what a bisexual in a committed relationship can do about their sexuality without violating or modifying their vows? The answer, to the best of my knowledge is absolutely nothing…