I just got finished reading several blogs tagged for bisexuality and in all of them, there was a lot of emphasis on being bi and having to be in a MOTSS (member of the same sex) relationship which, to me, is a somewhat clear indication that regardless of our sexuality, we’re trying to behave as if monogamy is still mandated in order to express one’s sexuality.
In a way, I understand this – we’re taught to, ideally, only express feelings and have sex in a committed relationship… but I also understand that for most bisexuals, being able to have such a relationship with a MOTSS isn’t always possible or not even a consideration because they’re already in a committed relationship with a MOTOS (member of the opposite sex) and while they may not be precisely monogamous because they are, at the least, having sex with a MOTSS, a lot of people find it incredibly difficult to manage multiple committed relationships at one time so they’re either going to do one or the other unless, of course, they have things hooked up so that they could do both.
Bisexuality, as I understand it, isn’t dependent upon being able to have MOTSS relationships that resemble the ‘standard’ monogamous relationship. I’m not going to say that bisexuals in MOTSS relationships don’t exist – that would be silly to make such an assumption… but it seems to me that this is more of the exception rather than the rule given that a lot of bisexuals are in it just for the sex – and even this would depend on whether or not they buy into the notion that a sexual relationship is, in fact, a relationship… and not everyone does. The exception here would be, say, a guy who has been having a sexual relationship with another guy over an extended period of time and not just a hookup or one night stand. Then again, it could easily be assumed that because these two guys have been doing each other over a long period of time, there’s an emotional bond in place… but I think that would be an incorrect assumption or even an inaccurate one because while it might look like the ‘normal’ boy/girl relationship, it probably isn’t like that at all.
So… who says that one’s bisexuality can only be validated and verified if they have a committed relationship? Unless I’m dead wrong – and I don’t think that I am – there has never been such a requirement other than confirming for yourself and in whatever way one does this that they do have that attraction – and in any form – to the same sex; whether one pursues a relationship (as we understand them) or not depends on how they want to handle this in their lives. If they want and need a relationship, fine; if they don’t, this is fine, too, but doesn’t invalidate their bisexuality.
Or are we seeing the beginning of yet another change in the bisexual dynamic? I’m getting the impression that society thinks that if sexualities can be ‘normalized’, that is, being bisexual or gay can resembled heterosexual, monogamous relationships, then greater acceptance within society is possible; it’s like telling all bisexuals that if you can act like everyone else – be in a committed relationship – then no one’s gonna have a problem with your duality. Sounds crazy and it’s just a thought in my head… but why else would a lot of bisexuals be worried about being in a committed relationship? Could it be that they believe that their sexuality would be better accepted if they were in a relationship?
Or is this simply an outgrowth of that which we’re all taught about love, sex, and relationships but without the mandate to be heterosexual in this? It very well could be but it doesn’t change the fact that there are a lot of bisexuals who are very bisexual and not in a committed relationship with a MOTSS… and simply because they know they don’t have to be and, yeah, some don’t want to be.
Ideally, the best situation for a bisexual is to be in the position to be able to relate, in whatever way they do, with both genders freely but not necessarily at the same time (but if they could, so much the better, right?); the tenets of monogamy puts the brakes on this free and open behavior – keep only unto yourselves, you horny bitches and bastards! If you lift the restrictions of monogamy, now you’re talking about open relationships, swinging, and even polyamory and these are relationship states in which a bisexual could thrive; they could do this and still be in a committed relationship because the terms of the committment have been modified and expanded.
Monogamy creates big problems for bisexuals because if a guy is in a committed relationship with either a man or a woman, he is expected and required to remain faithful to the person he’s having the relationship with and here comes the problem: If he’s in a relationship with another guy and he has that need to get some pussy, how’s he gonna be able to satisfy this craving for coochie if he’s expected to be totally faithful to his man? This sets the stage for some cheating to happen, doesn’t it, and some fecal matter is bound to hit the quickly rotating blades.
I know a lot of male bisexuals are quite happy and content being in a committed relationship with a woman and if they can have a sexual relationship with a guy to slake his hunger for cock, so much the better and even if it’s only a series of hookups; he might not feel the need to be in a committed relationship with a dude but, as I mentioned early on in this (or I did somewhere in all this stuff I’ve been writing about this), if a guy in a committed relationship with a woman can find a guy he can have sex with on a regular basis, this is a better situation than having to spend time weeding out the suckers and pretenders.
I certainly have never believed that my bisexuality had to be validated by having a relationship with a man, even though I did have such a relationship but all that proved was whether I could have one or not and more so since I had been having sex with men way before I had this relationship; the moment I truly realized that I liked women and men and in the way that I do, that was all the validation I needed.
At the end of the day, it’s really about what works for a bisexual more than any external perceptions about what bisexuality supposedly entails. I just find it rather interesting to read the blogs of others and see their emphasis on relationships as a validation point and while it would probably be, ah, morally satisfying – you’re a girl having a relationship with another girl and, thus satisfying that one-at-a-time mandate – it’s never been a locked-in-stone requirement; if you can have a relationship, fine; if you can’t, that’s okay, too. In this, it’s still very much about what you do more than it is how you go about doing it… and if you even do it at all because for some bisexuals, even if they don’t ever have the sex, their feelings toward the same sex serves the purpose of validation for them or I feel, therefore I am and no one is going to tell them anything different.