For reasons I don’t quite understand at the moment, late last night, the old noodle started going over my sexual past, back to the three years that had me having more sex than (a) all of my peers combined and (b) most adults that I knew about. As the memories began to flood my conscious thinking, I was shaking my head and was even a little miffed with myself because I lacked self-discipline and while I had begun my martial arts training at that time, the lessons were going well but were incomplete; I was impulsive and while it didn’t exactly get me into a whole lot of trouble, it did pave the way for me to spend a lot of time having sex.
All one had to do to get a piece of me was to whip out their cock and ask, “You want some of this?” and I’d be out of my clothes so fast that, today, it kinda makes me ashamed of myself; it was as if I couldn’t help myself when it came to accepting dick – if I could suck it or take it in my ass, I wanted it just as much as I wanted to have my way with girls and more so since during this three-year sexual insanity, I learned of the heady delights of eating pussy which made me pretty damned popular.
I’ve long since understood that understanding my sexuality calls for looking back to the beginning and retracing my steps forward to the present; the better I understand how I got to be where I am today, the better I seem to understand other male bisexuals when I’m exposed to their journey in this.
My mind sped through the memories of my juvenile debauchery, the times I was either on my knees or lying next to a guy and sucking on his cock, some not so big, some adult-sized, working my mouth upon it until I found myself swallowing varying amounts of cum, some so small I could barely taste it, some so large it was everything I could do to swallow it without choking or barfing it all back up. The moments where I was either on my back, my stomach, or my knees and with dicks of varying sized moving in and out of my ass, some of a size that I wasn’t really aware that it was in me, some of a size that gave me cause to be worried about being damaged and, in this, how stupid I was not to think about this before it got shoved into my ass – it wasn’t like I couldn’t see that the cock was probably bigger than my young ass could accommodate but it was clear that this never crossed my mind until it was in me.
Some would deposit miniscule amounts of spunk while others would fill me to overflowing, their offering already flowing out of me even with their cock buried in my butt and still pumping strongly. As these thoughts raced through my mind, I wasn’t quite sure how I was feeling about it and it seemed as if I couldn’t concentrate enough to form any thoughts about it other than the certainty that since I was looking backward, it was what it was. I thought about the mistakes I made, those situations where had I been thinking with the right head, I wouldn’t have had the experiences I did, the ones that didn’t make me feel good in some way and, for a fleeting moment, I wondered – and definitely not for the first time – what I could and should have done differently to keep those mistakes from happening, only to realize – and kinda painfully so – that at the time they happened, there was nothing I could have done because, duh, if there was, I would have done it… I think.
My mind started skipping over things, taking stuff out of the order they happened in and started grouping things together, like the times when I had my mouth glued to a woman’s cunt and there was a guy either sucking my dick for all he was worth or fucking my ass with equal, if not greater, gusto; my brain even tossed in those moments when I was dick-deep in a girl and some guy was having his way with my cock and ass. I thought about the times where, supposedly, some straight group sex was the only thing on the menu, only to have the rules changed when the other guy decided that having some dick was a good thing for him to partake of; I laughed to myself because I knew that something like this should never really surprise me since I’d had it happen too many times… but it always did.
My mind focused for a moment on this particular situation and being in that “all bets are off” situation; hell, if he’s gonna suck my dick, I’m going to have a taste of him as well… and then doing it without giving any thought about it, just an automatic reaction to an unexpected event. My brain even pulled up that one time where the guy not only surprised me by giving me a pretty good blow job but he then pleaded with me to fuck his virgin ass… and the fact that I did it even though I kinda/sorta didn’t want to… but it seemed to me that if there was a moment to give a guy his first time at this, it wasn’t something to be passed up and more so since it wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t decided to bogart my dick.
Hey, if you start it, I’m gonna finish it…
Please keep in mind that I had been sitting here thinking about all of this for five whole minutes, once again just totally amazing myself at how I could relive all those years of sexual experiences in a short amount of time; ah, the human brain is so damned amazing!
Most of the time, I actually don’t consciously think about my sexuality unless I happen to be writing about it… but there are still times when I could be, say, in the middle of playing Saints Row IV and aspects of my sexuality will just pop into my head, almost as if my thoughts are just trying to remind me of the fact that I’m bisexual and, just for the fun of it, have me reliving moments. There have been times when I’ve shared with you what I was thinking about, just like now, but I notice that I tend to look at the same situations – which will be forever static – in different ways. It’s not justifying all that I did – it’s really about understanding it… but not in a “coming to terms” way.
I realize that bisexuality is a two-sided coin but, as I pointed out to Pyx some time ago, it’s too easy to talk about screwing women… but it’s ‘harder’ and perhaps a bit more complicated to talk about the other side of me, the side that is kinda mysterious to a lot of folks. By writing about my… adventures, other bisexual guys and those folks interested in the subject get a chance to peek inside the mind of a bi guy who took to this sexuality like a duck to water and then didn’t let too many chances to express both sides of his sexuality go by the wayside.
Do I feel any shame when I look back at where I came from? Nah, not really, not in the sense that I feel bad or guilty about any of it although there are times when the adult me looks at the kid I was and asks, “What the hell were you thinking about, dude?” or “I can’t believe I did all that shit!” or “If I knew then what I knew now, I wouldn’t have done that…” If I had a regret, it’s that there weren’t any resources available – there was no Internet, no mentoring, no LGBTQ community – just the school of trial and error which often isn’t the best teacher in the world.
It took me years to really come to grips with my sexuality, to understand how it clashes with our morality even though it is a part of the nature of what we are as humans and sexual creatures. It’s helped me to understand myself, to understand other men and it’s actually given me an insight into what women have to deal with when a guy’s trying to get into her panties. It’s taught me a great deal about sex and that despite differences in anatomy, making love to a woman isn’t all that different from making love to a man. Everyone can be kissed, fondled, cuddled, licked, sucked, and fucked; everyone has their private ‘quirks’ when it comes to this and even those have similarities between men and women.
My memories ‘confirm’ that while a lot of bisexuality is about the sex, there’s much more to it than just that and this helps me to better understand why bisexuality isn’t all that well understood and simply because it combines straight sexual behaviors with gay sexual behaviors and in a world that still believes that you’re either straight or gay… but being both doesn’t make sense.
But it does make sense if you’re bisexual or this is something that weighs on your mind or lurks in your soul. It doesn’t matter why you throw down like this; it doesn’t matter how you do it. What does matter is that if you go both ways, this is how you roll whether you’ve dived in up to your eyeballs like I did or have just had your first experience. I know a lot of people tend to not pay much attention to their past; they’d rather just sit it on the shelf and even act as if what they’ve done never happened or it’s not relevant to who they are today.
Obviously, I’m not one of those people because, ultimately, it’s about understanding myself and the people around me and having that common point of reference with so many men and women who identify as bisexual (or whatever word works for them)… and there’s no such thing as too much knowledge just like there’s no such thing as understanding yourself too much and that, my friends, is the essence of bisexuality and the joy it can bring – and without having to get naked but, yeah, that’s a lot of fun, too.