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Isn’t It Odd…?

09 Feb

Do you know Rougedmount?  Have you read her blog about her plight?  I have and my heart goes out to her and those like her… but she said something in one of her latest blogs that just struck me as being a bit odd (http://rougedmount.wordpress.com/2014/02/09/traditional-affair/) that I wanted to do a little writing on and I quote:  “…a traditional monogamous type affair…”

Isn’t that odd that a person would take what I’d call a ‘typical’ move toward non-monogamy… and yet would want to be monogamous in this?  Rouged, don’t get me wrong – you know how I feel about your situation so I’m not busting your ass about your decision to pursue such a thing – I just found your choice of phrases rather interesting.

Now, it makes sense that someone who has decided to have an affair would want to engage in this with one person that suits their needs; trying to manage multiple ‘partners’ in this tend to be beyond most people’s abilities since we’ve been conditioned to only be involved with one person at a time and, aside from this, trying to have an affair with multiple people involved is just a bit too complicated and, usually, dangerous in the sense that you increase your chances to get busted – and that’s provided whether or not you give a shit if you get caught or not; some folks are aware of the consequences of their actions but if they were to get caught and some shit hit the fan that would dissolve the original relationship, hah, that would be a good thing for the person having the affair – getting busted would do them a huge favor.

But while one may decide to have an affair with someone, would it be a given that the person they’re having the affair with would engage in this… but be monogamous in this?  Would this arrangement go south if the person they were having the affair with was having an affair with someone else?  Would they be required to stop having this other affair in favor of engaging in a singular, monogamous, non-monogamous event?  Is this… requirement a little bit of an oxymoron given that once a person enters into an affair, whatever beliefs they had about being monogamous have already gone out the door – all bets on this are off – and now requiring the person you’re being non-monogamous with to be monogamous just kinda/sorta sounds weird?

What do you think?  Is having an affair still a one-on-one proposition just like being in a monogamous relationship is?  Is it realistic to say, “I’m gonna do this with him/her and I pray that they’re only gonna do this with me…”  Does it even matter as long as they’re willing and able to take care of your needs?

And, Rouged, I do hope that you find someone who does suit your needs and that they’re exclusively yours – again, I just found your phrasing odd and interesting.

 
13 Comments

Posted by on 9 February 2014 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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13 responses to “Isn’t It Odd…?

  1. rougedmount

    9 February 2014 at 17:33

    I am more than aware of the contradiction I present. To be honest, I struggle with what I want and I feel like I change it based upon how pissed off or horny I get. Neither of those times is a good time to make a decision without expecting to regret some part of it at a later date. So I actually have thought about what I need during the times I am not upset by what I don’t have.
    Getting laid is not an issue for me. I could have had that 1000 times without any effort. I am obviously missing the physical component of a relationship. I am also missing intimacy and a mental connection. I do not want to be a convenience to someone, thought about in terms of a sexual release as opposed to a part of someone’s life. Why is it important to me? Because I know how lonely it is to be in a marriage where you do not feel needed, wanted or important.

    If I were to have an open relationship, exploring sexuality, then I think I could do it inside the confines of a secure relationship or marriage. I would not want to have multiple partners as part of a casual dating scene. I am not prepared for those inherent risks, certainly not while I am married and not while I am unprepared to handled the emotional context of sharing your body with a large variety of people.

    The most perfect lover in the world is not enough, if he is not honest with me and continues to sleep with other woman while physically having a sexual relationship with me. I was with a man who was perfect for me and his deceit made me cut him loose forever. For me it is not just about sex but the sense of security I have in being able to be vulnerable to someone. I just can not allow myself the luxury of giving myself up to the care of someone and allow myself to be sexually theirs, unless they can prove they can take care of my emotional needs while having a sexual relationship with them.

    I need an assertive and sexually powerful man. I am a very dominant type of woman and if I do not have a man who can match me then I will control every aspect of our sexual life and it will diminish how I feel about him as both a lover and as a man in my eyes. He will bore me and I will completely lose interest in him. its what prevents me from engaging in new relationships with men. They pretend to be something they truly aren’t and as soon as I sense it, I am completely over them.

    I am aware that people lie and mis represent what they want and who they are. I know I can be lied to and used. The best thing I can do is trust the fact that in general I make good decisions after securing as much information as I can. If a man I have a sexual affair with lies to me, then I will cut him out of my life with no chance at redemption.
    I don’t want casual sex, iot doesn’t interest me in the slightest. I am by definition a serial monogamist, going from relationship to relationship. Sex for me gets better the longer I am with someone. I do not thrill by newness or chasing someone for conquest. Getting male attention is not an issue for me, so it’s not a factor for me in deciding to have an affair. What I love is a man who thinks about me and knows how to please me and someone who needs me because of their own situation.

    A traditional type affair simply works best for how I mentally and physically work.

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    • kdaddy23

      9 February 2014 at 17:57

      Dearest Rouged, thank you for commenting on this and I hope you know I wasn’t being critical of you. Again, it’s just the way you said it that got me thinking about how odd a request that is… but I understand it… just wasn’t used to actually seeing it in writing because, yeah, if you’re gonna have an affair you want to go out and get whatever it is you’re not getting at home, be it just sex or more than just that. And, yes, if you don’t have to share this with anyone else, so much the better.

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      • rougedmount

        9 February 2014 at 18:06

        don’t think that part of me doesn’t wish i could just go get my physical needs satisfied..if i was mentally wired like that, then i doubt i would be struggling so much with the needs i have.

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      • kdaddy23

        9 February 2014 at 18:10

        Well, I know that you need more than just sex; you also need to be wanted and appreciated – you need that emotional component and probably more than you need to just merely get laid.

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      • rougedmount

        9 February 2014 at 18:12

        in order for me to be sexually open with someone, i need to feel secure in letting myself be protected by them, safe with them, under their care. if i am the dominant one, then i can not sexually respond to them in the way i need to to be satisfying for me…

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      • kdaddy23

        9 February 2014 at 19:36

        So for you it’s not just about that one-on-one ‘commitment’ – the guy has to be able to convince you that he is, in fact, man enough to protect and care for you? I get it but, at least in my opinion, this takes things from being ‘a traditional monogamous type affair’ to more like a relationship-type setting which is something I wouldn’t exactly call traditional. I think that anyone who has had an affair – and myself included – also understand that there’s really nothing traditional about this, no real standard for going about getting that which you want and need; you pick and choose and then hope that the decision to do this with the person you’ve chosen can, in fact and in deed, do all of that stuff they said they can do.

        Again, I thank you for being so open and forthcoming with your comments to this but it makes me ask a question as if this somehow turned into an interview: What would it take to make you feel secure? How does a man convince you that you won’t have to take the lead in this and, thus, as you said, be bored? Does that sense of security have to be there right away or is it something that has to be gained and maybe even earned over a period of time?

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      • rougedmount

        10 February 2014 at 12:21

        grin….
        What makes me secure is his communication and openness with me. Both are divulged with time and I do not invest emotionally until I feel both have been presented. A man does not need to convince me at all as I do not reveal my specific needs to him. I let him show me who he is and how he intends on spending his valuable time. I do not want him to hear what I say and tell me what I want to hear as it would be fictitious. Most men who pursue for sex will say anything to obtain the end goal and a man who wants more may say things you may not want to hear.

        I come off as a “stand offish” and hard to open up. I guard myself very well. Men who want an easy lay, back off immediately. Men who are not confidant, back off immediately. SOME men are able to see the value of who I am and stay with me, under my terms and become friends and they end up staying there. They value an educated attractive woman as a friend that they are completely open and honest with. Those men who stay with me, find me slightly amusing in my methods of controlling the relationship and then show me they want more than friendship by being sexually demanding of me instead of reticent to make a move, THOSE are the men who inspire my sexual attraction.

        It’s why I have many male friends and have not taken multiple lovers. Yes, I have willing contingents who have offered their services but I am a woman who needs to feel taken as opposed to choosing. When that happens, my libido is out of control and I go from low simmer to a messy boiling mess of arousal and need. Occasionally a part of that simmers from time to time with other men and they can see what my potential is and it makes them want me. But I am used to men (and women) wanting me, so the mere presence of it, does not arouse or inspire me. If they need me as a sexual partner it’s because they know I can match their own libidos and respond to them in a way that makes them crave me the more they have me.

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      • kdaddy23

        10 February 2014 at 13:30

        You are so gracious and, once more, you have my thanks and appreciation for your openness! So… instead of you telling someone what your needs are (or dropping some cleverly crafted hints) and then determining, from their responses, whether or not they’re qualified (for lack of a better word – I’m not done with my coffee yet), you’d rather kinda sit back and let them guess at your needs and desires? This is a rhetorical question since, in your next paragraph, you admit that it’s hard for you to open up so this begs two questions: One, the guy who wins you is the one who can get you to lower your shields and open up? Then the other question is that if he can do this, does this serve as proof of his ability to take charge of you physically and emotionally? Oops – one more! Is it just sexual attraction or do you, as I suspect, also need that deeper emotional connection as well that the person you select has to be able to provide for you?

        I understand the need to feel taken… but why not choose? Now it gets a little weirder! It is your choice to give yourself to another… but you don’t want to choose the person who may be able to take you as needed? Surely you’re not just leaving such an important decision in the hands of someone who, initially, may not fully understand your need to be taken! Does it benefit you to be so mysterious and shielded? You control the relationship… but you also said that when you do control things, you lose interest – what’s up with that? You want him (or maybe even her) to be dominant, to take you and use you in a very delicious and even loving way… but you’re calling the shots? Is this a contradiction?

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      • rougedmount

        10 February 2014 at 18:02

        My goodness..lol..I should clarify something first. I do NOT expect a man to be a mind reader. I clearly state who I am, what I like, what I need. I provide a road map, GPS and gift vouchers for the trip of discovering who I am, as well. HOWEVER, lol…they have an expiration date. If I have given you everything you need and you STILL can not figure out how to provide it, in a reasonable time, then we just are not a match. Mentally we would not be compatible, even if physically we were.
        It is NOT hard for me to open up at all…I make a conscious choice to withhold who I am until you deserve me. I so not invest until I can see a return on my investment. I believe in actions, not words so the only way a man can prove himself to me, is to do what he says and mean what he says. I forgive and accommodate all the time but if a pattern develops or lack of respect for my time occurs as a habit, then that portends an end to y interest, no matter my emotional or physical involvement.
        I will not repeat the mistakes I made with my spouse in any other relationship…ever. That means family, friendships or intimate ones. A man who is more dominant in nature does not have to try. He simply is. It is not an aspect of his personality, it IS his persona. I am attracted to men like that, more so than any other. Moth>Candle type attraction. I can no sooner ignore an assertive man that I can ignore sinking into a warm bathtub. They are MY ideal match and I mentally and physically respond to them in BOTH a deferential and challenging manner.
        I make many ‘choices’ all the time. I am the Queen of choices and options and decisions. I have discovered that when I do not have to do this with a man, that when I am allowed to JUST be the feminine to his masculine? My sexual responsiveness goes through the roof. It’s almost as if I can feel my stomach drops, I can feel my pupils dilate and it brings almost instant ovulation…lol.
        I have to smile at many of the blogs I read about Dominant and Submission. In my humble opinion, so many men have a false image of WHAT it means to be a dominant male and it’s become morphed into a fetish. I use the term assertive man, not aggressive. I use the word masculine man, not dominant. There is a MAJOR difference in how a sexually confidant man who demands that you accept his giving sexual nature acts over a man who wants to be serviced because of an implied position of authority by virtue of his sex.
        I have more balls than 95% of the men I have ever met. I am authoritative, assertive, bold, confidant, challenging, very straight forward and not easily intimidated. I have a questioning personality and I over analyze everything. Many men are intimidated by me and many others find me fascinating. “Most” find me sexually appealing in some measure. So men “try” all the time and their half hearted efforts are followed by smiles and the words “the worst you would have said is no and I would have regretted not saying something about how I felt or what I wanted”.
        I believe I am upfront and honest in accepting their offers with levity and graceful declinations, or at least I have been told I am. The few times that has ever been different, has been with men who have connected with me instantly. I have to believe in lust, instant attraction, chemistry as it’s the only way things really work with me. My body responds instantly to some men and I really have no control over it. Perhaps it’s a heightened sense of certain pheromones because the men I have found attractive have VASTLY been different from each other.
        Their only commonality has been a strong, gentle, masculine and confidant personality combined with this instant sexual awareness I have of them. I instantly feel out of control and that spins me into a delightful circles that they find amusing especially once they get to know me and the force of my personality. I find their control as annoying to me as other men find mine is towards them, I am sure.
        Lastly, yes…everything about me is a delightful contradiction that makes me unique to myself. No one is ever ‘bored’ of me. I love life, it shows. I make people feel wanted and inclusive and it brings me many acquaintances. People open up to me because I am a good listener. I offer advice if solicited but not before. I am educated and experienced enough to have that advice be of value and it inspires people to trust me. I am as passionate as I am controlled and people who have witnesses the shift between the two have all remarked that it was something they will not forget. Passion or violence…I have played with both and both have cost me dearly. I have learned that my severe extremes are worth the middle ground where I have to stay most of the time. I would rather reach the peaks fewer times than be disappointed by a false summit after climbing so high. I want the view from Gods’s front step, I’ll work hard to get there but I won’t hesitate to demand I have a place there either.

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      • kdaddy23

        10 February 2014 at 19:25

        Thank you – thank you so very much. A lot of readers may know of your plight… but you’ve honored me by giving me some insight into how a woman goes about thinking about going about having an affair – I had no idea my little blog about your comment would produce such a delightful response from you!

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      • rougedmount

        10 February 2014 at 22:47

        perhaps i revealed too much?

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      • kdaddy23

        11 February 2014 at 12:57

        Nah, not really. The things you shared, if made into a blog of its own, would give great insight into what goes into a woman’s decision to have an affair – a lot of people think that one just wakes up one morning and says, “Hey, I think I’ll cheat on my partner with the first person I see!”

        You’ve revealed that it’s not that easy a process; you’ve revealed what I see as a difference in the way a woman would go about this opposite the way a man would make such a decision.

        And I continue to thank you for your openness and frankness about this!

        Like

         

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