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Inside a Bi Guy

22 Feb

No, it’s not what you think…

There’s a lot of talk/writing about bi guys in relationships and how their sexuality could impact said relationship and the one thing I wanted to get across to people is that, for the most part, my sexuality doesn’t control my life; it doesn’t make me do things that could damage my relationship.  I’m a fiance, father, grandfather, chief computer guru here in the house, in charge of the vacuum cleaner – what can I say?  I like to vacuum! – and I cook, wash dishes, clean the bathroom – you know, domestic stuff.

And while I’m always aware of this… special part of my makeup, it in no way makes decisions for me; while I may have that craving for a nice, hard dick, I know that there are more important things that require my attention like, oh, doing my part in keeping my relationship with Linda working as smoothly as possible.  So when I read that bisexuals can’t commit, can’t be monogamous, and can’t really be trusted to do the right things in a relationship, well, it pisses me off because if I’ve learned nothing over all of these years about being bisexual, I’ve learned that just because you can do a thing doesn’t mean that you have to do it.

It’s one of the things that has taught me that thinking and doing are not the same thing; I might be thinking about dick and say something to Linda about it and she’s not gonna give me any grief about what I’m thinking because she knows, as I do, that thinking is just thinking.  The important thing here is that she’s aware of what I’m thinking about this – if we’re not talking about it, she does read my blog and there’s great comfort in knowing that she doesn’t object to my sexuality; hell, I’ve often remarked that she’s more hyped about me being bisexual than I am.

I read a lot, watch TV, play games on my various devices and keep Zane, our pain in the ass cat, occupied and purring.  I write what’s on my mind in my blog, read the blogs of others and comment on them; I am a huge fan of the music I grew up with and I often spend time scrounging around on the Internet to find the music that I may not have in my collections, collections that are either on my computer or stored on all the CDs that I own.  Speaking of music, when I think I can deal with the pain of doing so, I’ll fire up my Korg Triton workstation, slip my headphones over my ears, and work on trying to regain the dexterity and motor control I lost when I had my stroke by either playing something from memory or working out the details on pieces of music that only exist in my mind.

For all intents and purposes, I’m just a regular, normal kind of guy; my sexuality doesn’t necessarily make me “special” or different in that sense.  There are many things that impacts my relationship with Linda on a daily basis… but my sexuality isn’t one of them because I’ve learned not to let my sexuality get in the way of doing my part in this relationship.  Then again, Linda and I have good communication skills; we’ve both been around the block more times than we care to think about so we’re really good at managing our relationship.  Sure, I get on her nerves just as much as she gets on mine… but we deal with it intelligently and calmly – we don’t argue very often – but my sexuality, such as it is, doesn’t play into any of this.

I am just like any other guy trying to have a good relationship with someone.  I’ve never thought of myself as being promiscuous although I will admit that, yeah, I can be one horny motherfucker and more so since I’m obviously not dead yet, ya know?  Okay, sure, way back in the early days, I was such a cock whore until I learned to be more… discerning about who got into my underwear.  And it’s not like the things I did with guys while married were unsanctioned – I had permission to act on my urges so when I could, I did.  Hell, if I could find the right guy, Linda would have no problem with me doing a number on his dick because she’d want to watch me do it!

But what does it all mean at the end of the day?  Not a hell of a lot when you stop and think about it; just because I’m bisexual doesn’t mean that I always have to do something about it.  It doesn’t mean that I can’t be emotionally and physically committed to my relationship with Linda or that I can’t do the things she expects of me in the relationship because, really, while my sexuality is forever a part of me, it doesn’t drive the car here.  Just as I say that I define my sexuality – I’ve tailored it to suit my needs – my sexuality doesn’t make me want to do things I know I shouldn’t be doing so it doesn’t control me – I’m in control here.

Bi guys have such a bad rep and, honestly, it’s not all that hard to see why we do because when we’re at our best, we’re neither straight or gay in our approach to doing things, things that others see as being outside of the norm.  Yep, relationships have been fucked up because of a guy’s sexuality and not always because he’s out there doing his dirt; there are too many women who just don’t understand this thing about us and, of course, they’d easily buy into the bad reputation we have than they’d be willing to listen to the truth as we understand it.  In my opinion, if a guy’s sexuality is impacting his relationship, it’s her lack of understanding and acceptance that really causes problems; to this end, she doesn’t necessarily have to give him permission to scratch his itch… but if she can accept this thing about him, it’ll make him less likely to step out of bounds and all for the more important goal of maintaining the integrity of the relationship and holding on to her love and affection.

There’s all this chatter about bisexual invisibility and erasure, some of which really doesn’t make sense to me even though I do understand that as bisexuals, we don’t really draw a lot of attention to ourselves, not like our gay counterparts do.  Sure, we don’t have to worry about rights, those rights that are somehow being seen as a privilege because, duh, when we’re in a relationship with a woman we are, in fact, behaving very straight – how else can we behave?  Another blogger suggested, in their blog, that if there’s a bisexual in the relationship, it’s not a straight relationship and while I think I’m a rather smart person, nah, I’m not feeling that because any interaction with a female partner is straight and, yeah, even if she’s bisexual as well.  I cannot keep from feeling that these things are really huge bunches of sour grapes being tasted by those people who aren’t straight by choice or purpose; by being gay – and this isn’t really a knock against them – they’ve set themselves up to become pariahs and, therefore, are being denied the same rights that I, as a bisexual man, have always enjoyed.  And I do feel for the gay people and I’m sympathetic to their cause… but only in the sense that in a country that believes that all men are created equal, equality should be given to all of its citizens and in all things and not simply the purview of the elite-minded few.

Having said that, I do ‘object’ to being handed problems that I’ve never had to deal with before; it’s bad enough living with the stereotypes and having to keep paying dues because of them.  Invisibility isn’t an issue and they may try to erase my sexual identity with a lot of psychobabble… and I wish them luck with that because I was bi way before any of this stuff came into existence.  This whole thing with rights and privileges?  Also a non-issue because when you grow up in the shadow of a time where a Black’s right to be seen as a human being was questioned and challenged, eh, this shit being related to my sexuality ain’t no big deal.

Other than being rather opinionated, I’m still just a regular guy doing regular things to get by day-to-day, like inwardly groaning about doing the dinner dishes and getting over this fucking head cold…

 
13 Comments

Posted by on 22 February 2014 in Life, Living and Loving

 

Tags: , ,

13 responses to “Inside a Bi Guy

  1. rougedmount

    22 February 2014 at 23:02

    i love that you know who you are and make no apologies for it..once again communication makes a relationship work.

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    • kdaddy23

      22 February 2014 at 23:19

      Thanks, Rouged. You know, there have been times when I’ve lamented that I didn’t have any kind of mentoring available to me – I had to learn how to not only grow into my sexuality but how to merge it into the rest of my life so that it’s seamless as well as not making it a speed bump along the road I chose to travel.

      You really get to know who you are and, hell, no, I’m never gonna apologize for being me; I’m now too old to be doing that and, besides, I have nothing I have to apologize for when it comes to this; I can catch more hell for leaving the toilet seat up than I can over my sexuality!

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  2. totsymae1011

    23 February 2014 at 12:28

    Interesting. I know I’m not one of the Lindas of the world though. What’s important is knowing who we are and what we’re willing to deal with in any relationship. As long as that understanding is there, who can say anything really?

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    • kdaddy23

      23 February 2014 at 12:37

      Exactly – but there are those who want to make a federal case out of this… and I’ll be damned if I really understand why. I do know that misery loves company and there are a lot of miserable gay folks out there who have nothing better to do than to drag bi guys into their messes.

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      • totsymae1011

        23 February 2014 at 12:40

        That really happens? Is it they want you to be fully gay and don’t understand bisexuality? Explain.

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      • kdaddy23

        23 February 2014 at 13:00

        Yep, it really happens. In their minds – and straight folks can be like this as well – you can only be one or the other and, in the case of some gays, all a bisexual guy is doing is perpetrating a fraud because we should be gay – and that’s all we should be. It doesn’t seem possible that anyone can be in the middle – neither fully straight or fully gay… but this is the working of a narrow mind.

        Gays still have acceptance issues despite all they’ve managed to accomplish over the years, like having the same rights that straight couples have by default; they know that they’ve been punished for not being straight and it just irks them that there are bi guys who do not and have not faced similar social punishments.

        I’ve had gay men do their level best to convince me that I’m really gay… and it’s laughable because regardless of what they think, I know exactly what I am – and it ain’t gay. Bisexuality just isn’t all that difficult to understand but, you see, it’s not that they don’t understand it – they refuse to accept it because, again, in their minds, any guy who does stuff that a gay man would has to be gay; we’re in denial about our supposed gayness and even more so since we will lie down with a woman in a heartbeat.

        It’s a stupid way to think and behave on their part and all because they cannot accept the evidence that’s right in their faces. It’s a jealousy – we have what they have always wanted and are fighting for but since they don’t have it like that, why not bash the guys who do?

        What is equally interesting about this is that I haven’t read one thing where bisexual women are facing such bashing – now ain’t that interesting?

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      • totsymae1011

        23 February 2014 at 13:17

        No, I don’t think bisexual women are.. Not to my knowledge. My sister used to work with a gay male and his thought process was that every man was gay ’til proven otherwise. I couldn’t believe this was his way of thinking on account of constantly thinking about his sexuality, which, to me, lends itself to insecurity. We are what we are and nobody should have to prove anything.

        I have to admit that I’m growing in this area. And while I may not understand it all, it may not be for me to do so. I’m more interested in people showing those basic traits of kindness, respect, etc than judging on the basis who they sleep with.

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      • kdaddy23

        23 February 2014 at 14:10

        At the very least, Totsy, you try to understand it, which is more than a lot of people try to do – and that gives you bigger props with me.

        I understand that guy’s thinking: He’s gay so every man he sees should be like him because he believes that being gay is the only way to be. It’s a naive point of view, to be sure. I like being bi… but I will tell another guy in a flat skinny second that unless he’s ready to deal with certain realities, he might want to stay on the porch.

        Totsy, I do so very much appreciate your comments on this!

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      • totsymae1011

        23 February 2014 at 14:27

        Well, thank you for your candidness and willing to give your readers a broader insight.

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      • kdaddy23

        23 February 2014 at 14:32

        I do try – I really do. Being bisexual doesn’t make me a bad person; the issues I have in life aren’t because I’m bisexual and, yeah, people need to see that we’re just regular people with regular problems.

        Someone has to do it… and I guess I volunteered!

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  3. 'Tis

    23 February 2014 at 12:34

    very well said. sexuality does not the person make.

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  4. disconcerted72

    23 February 2014 at 12:39

    I’ve always had the opinion that every relationship is unique, because the people within the relationship are unique individuals. So, what may or may not be good for one relationship is going to be a different animal altogether in another relationship. Society, at large, wants to dictate the nature of most things…relationships and sexualities are, yet another, aspect that is always going to be unique to the people and situation.

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    • kdaddy23

      23 February 2014 at 12:47

      So true. The main thing in this piece is my saying that other than how I like to have sex on occasion, I’m really no different than any straight guy out there in a relationship. It’s not an entitlement nor is it a privilege, although if there is one, it’s being with my baby because when I told her I was bisexual, she could have told me to take a hike.

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