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The Heart of a Bisexual

09 Mar

The heart of a bisexual:

  • Must be unafraid to stay the course
  • Must be enduring and strong against derision and prejudice
  • Must be confident
  • Must be open to the possibilities
  • Should understand that this isn’t just about sex but should also revel in it when the opportunity presents itself
  • Must be one with their soul and mind to make the right decisions
  • Should always know there’s no limits on love
  • Should alway strive to be at peace
  • Must know tolerance
  • Must know, beyond any doubt, that what they feel is real
  • Should never be shy or timid
  • Must be assertive but never aggressive
  • Should embrace, seek, and rejoice in diversity
  • Should always understand that just because we can do a thing doesn’t mean we have to… or will

I got to thinking about these things because while there’s so much talk about what bisexuals aren’t and too much emphasis on the sex is harped upon, it’s what’s inside of each of us – what’s in our heart of hearts – that maintains and sustains us.  It is the voice of reason, that thing within us that tells us each and everyday that despite what others may say, bisexuality – whether emotional, physical, or both – is what makes us whole as a person, the things within us that say, beyond any doubt, that we’re not confused, not going through a phase, and that we are not gay.

The hardest part of being bisexual isn’t about getting laid or having to face negativity; it’s not even about when to come out or who to come out to.  No, the hardest part of being bisexual are all of the internal and even intangible things that drives the person we know we must be.  It’s being sure and confident that we have, indeed, made the right decision for ourselves in this and knowing that we can, in fact, stand in the face of derision and prejudice and stay true to ourselves, the one thing that is inviolate and not open for negotiation at any time or for any external reason for if we do not remain true to ourselves, we are truly lost as a person.

It’s not about what we may do in this – it’s about how we think, how we feel about those we are attracted to and in whatever form that takes because even when we choose to do nothing and, yes, we’re more than capable of doing this, it doesn’t and shouldn’t change the fact that we are bisexual.

It’s not that we’re promiscuous; it’s not that we cannot be faithful to our partner – these are things that others fear and behaviors that are not unique or restricted to bisexuals alone… but we know this even if no one else does because in our hearts, we know what we want to do and how we’re gonna do it, especially when we’re already in a loving relationship with someone – the rules of monogamy aren’t as lost on us as it is perceived.  But we also understand that we are guilty by association, being punished by the misdeeds of the few; the vision our sexuality allows us to see the fallacy of this perception and our hearts know that while this may be true for some, it’s not true for all.

And we must trust what our hearts know.  We can let our hearts guide us – but not control us, being tempered by our intelligence, logic, and common sense for it is only when these three things are in harmony can we find the balance that we need in life, balance that is necessary for us to feel whole and complete.

 
28 Comments

Posted by on 9 March 2014 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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28 responses to “The Heart of a Bisexual

  1. totsymae1011

    9 March 2014 at 16:49

    That list there can be applicable to anybody, no matter the sexuality. I suppose though, yours is the go-to blog for the 411 on how to be bisexual, as it’s the only blog I know. What I wanna know is what kinda possibilities you have to be open to if you’re already open to the possibility of being with men and women.

    You must be aware that many, if not most, heterosexual women feel that bisexual men are in denial of being gay ’cause they’re not all the time honest about what they are, which eliminates the woman’s option to choose to be in that type of relationship or not. This kind of dishonesty creates that derision and lack of understanding or empathy toward bisexuals and gays. On the other hand, I know there’s a backlash when there’s a confession of gay or bisexuality. It’s, to me, become less of a big deal when folk come out. I mean, as long as they’re forthright with who they’re with, it makes me no nevermind. Though, that’s my heterosexual viewpoint of it.

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    • kdaddy23

      9 March 2014 at 17:24

      You honor me just by commenting and I once again thank you for this! On being open to the possibilities, it’s simple – it’s just being aware of what one can do, what they shouldn’t do, stuff like that, depending on their needs, their situation and other important things. You’re right when you say this list can apply to anyone… but while I can’t honestly say that I know what straight or gay folks think about, I know what a lot of bisexuals have going on in their heads about this.

      I am very much aware that straight women believe that bi men are really gay, that they see his sexuality as a personal affront to them and that a lot of bi men would rather stay in the closet and keep quiet about this, thinking they’re doing the right thing when, in fact, they are making a huge mistake by not being upfront about this. I am also very much aware that a lot of guys are damned if they do and damned if they don’t – it’s a no-win situation and the default behavior is not to bring it up or otherwise give her a reason to think that he’s not entirely straight. It’s lying by omission which, by itself, is an interesting situation but I’m also very much aware of the curious situation that women always demand to know the truth… but they can’t handle it when they hear it. If, as a woman, you know that men don’t handle rejection well – any rejection – then, when you look at this particular thing from his point of view, not being forthcoming actually makes sense and the truth, while liberating and all that, has been known to do more harm than good.

      I know that, by default, a bi man would rather be in a serious relationship with a woman than to be in one with a man; if anything, they might seek a sexual relationship but when it comes to playing house, a woman is the preferred playmate – even to a lot of bi guys, being in a serious relationship with a man is just too gay for them to deal with and unwittingly proves the position that they’re really gay because people tend to believe what they see more than what they actually know.

      But the list isn’t as much about how to deal with one’s sexuality in a relationship: It’s about dealing with one’s self about their sexuality, the resolve they must have in order to fully come to grips about the way they feel because, truly, you can’t deal with anyone else about this until you can deal with yourself. Even when the time comes to deal with someone else about this, it’s still about being true to one’s self and more so when girlfriend adamantly forbids him to be bisexual. And it’s not a man-only list – it applies to bisexual women as well because there are men who aren’t so accepting that their woman also likes women.

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      • rougedmount

        9 March 2014 at 23:09

        grin…by all estimations it is safe to assume that 90% of the male population does not view lesbian interaction upsetting, even if they are involved with them, and most especially if they can watch..lol..there are no statistics to back this up of course…just goofy looking grins on mens faces when the topic comes up…

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      • kdaddy23

        9 March 2014 at 23:14

        Hell yeah; it is so amazingly intimate and some of us could learn a few things about making love to a woman by watching and taking notes!

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  2. Pyx

    9 March 2014 at 17:22

    The heart of any sexual being… well said Kdaddy.

    I was thinking today, what if we stopped writing in terms of bisexual, homosexual and heterosexual and just wrote in terms of sex – be it with whomever of whatever gender – even in support of certain sexual aspects I feel we are also playing a role in the limiting and boxed definition of… just something I thought of when shopping for a strap on. How will I write the entry of what I did without giving away the gender of the person I did it to….

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    • totsymae1011

      9 March 2014 at 17:40

      Lordy mercy…a strap on. Does that defeat the purpose of being a lesbian? That’s who uses a strap on, right?

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      • kdaddy23

        9 March 2014 at 18:21

        Pyx might answer but I can tell you that this isn’t really a correct answer – not all women who’d use one is bisexual or gay.

        Totsy, there are men who get great joy from being taken by a woman… and they might not even be bisexual in any sense of the word. They would readily submit to a woman wearing a strap-on… but they don’t have any desire to have the real thing inside of them.

        Can you add to this, Pyx?

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      • sunnydelyte21

        10 March 2014 at 17:36

        As a bi sexual women I have never used a strap on and if I felt the need I’d find real dick. LOL

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      • kdaddy23

        10 March 2014 at 18:45

        Hi, Sunny – glad you could comment! If you ever entertained the thought of giving a willing man a taste of his own medicine, that’s what you’d need the strap-on for although I also know they’re a favorite toy for girl/girl fun. I’m glad you enjoyed this writing because I also want people who don’t know what it means to be bisexual to understand this, to understand that it’s not just the sexual aspects and that, yeah, other than this little difference, we’re not all that different than anyone else.

        I reason that if these things can be shown, that a lot of our thought processes are, indeed, similar to everyone else’s, then understand can begin and even achieved; if I can enlighten just one person, it’s a start.

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    • kdaddy23

      9 March 2014 at 17:57

      Hi, Pyx! You know, when it comes to sex, my thoughts are without boundaries; it’s only when I write that I put them in place so that any differences can be ‘easily’ seen, giving the reader a point of reference, as it were. See, regardless of what others have to say about it, gender does play into this; I don’t know about other bisexuals but while sex is sex, it is subliminally different between a man and a woman and does affect the overall thrill of the sex – it’s never been easy for me to explain this; having said that, I’m not sure how you could write what you did without giving away the gender of your victim – the devil really is in the details!

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  3. SillyG

    9 March 2014 at 20:31

    That should be the heart of all 🙂

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    • kdaddy23

      9 March 2014 at 20:40

      Yes, SillyG, it should be but some bisexuals either don’t know this or need to be reminded of this. For those who struggle with their sexuality, it always pays to go back to the source within us – our hearts – and know that we’re not bisexual because we have nothing better to do, that bisexuality does run deeper than just having sex or making some sort of social statement.

      Those of us who have crossed all the hurdles and fought our share of battles know that were it not for the strength and conviction within our hearts, we would be undone and defeated, made to toe the line like everyone else.

      It’s what makes me say that bisexuality isn’t just a thing to do – it’s a way to be.

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      • SillyG

        11 March 2014 at 13:23

        The biggest problem is that ‘a way to be’ is so hard when the broader population has so little understanding or tolerance of something outside defined boxes of straight or gay. Impacts so deeply… thinking of a transgender colleague right now.

        Very happy that you write this blog about the experience. Change in the world does not happen fast but you are helping to nudge it along with your writing 🙂

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      • kdaddy23

        11 March 2014 at 14:21

        Actually, SillyG, it’s not hard because however you see yourself – gay, bi, trans, whatever – isn’t based on how others see you: It’s how you see yourself, the heart of you. It is true that you will be judged or otherwise hated on by others because you are the way you are but now it’s about being true to yourself in the face of this lack of acceptance more than trying to live up to society expectations.

        That’s hard for some to deal with but being true to yourself should be an inviolate part of a person’s core beliefs and if you’ve accepted that, in this case, you’re bisexual, nothing anyone’s going to say to you is going to change this unless you allow it to.

        It’s a way to be that includes any sex… but not necessarily one’s main focus. A lot of bisexuality isn’t sexual – it’s about feelings and the way a person thinks and how their thoughts and feelings are used to guide themselves through their life which isn’t all that different than how other folks move along life’s highway, is it? It’s just that as bisexuals, we have to be extra-strong in this because of the external pressures being applied against us.

        And this is why I wrote this particular blog and doing my best to literally speak to the heart of the matter. Right now, there’s this push, movement, or something to invalidate bisexuals, to get us to choose to be in one box or another, and trying to insist – and without any evidence – that we’re really gay. This bullshit affects people rather adversely – it makes them question themselves about their choice/decision to embrace bisexuality and that should never, ever be allowed to happen and the first step in protecting ourselves against this is to be strong in our convictions, to have total belief in ourselves and our sexuality and let our strength in this become proof against this nonsensical attack.

        I can only definitively speak for myself but once I became strong and sure about myself in this, the only thing the opposition does is piss me off with their ignorance and, yeah, I should get pissed because if you get in my face with this shit, I’m not going to turn the other cheek and if you wanna fight about it, okay, bring it, sucka – but before you do, you have to know that nothing you’re going to say is going to change my mind, heart, and soul about being bisexual.

        Nothing. Because if I’m anything, I’m true to myself. Fuck the broader population; they don’t run my life, I do and I will keep my own counsel on this, thank you very much. The broader population has a lot to say about something they don’t really understand and I can be tolerant because I know they don’t know, uh-uh, not like I do. But I am unafraid and determined to stay this course because if I don’t, I’m not being true to myself and that, in my opinion, is the greater crime.

        I am passionately bisexual… or rabidly so, depending on how much I’m ranting and raving or who’s reading it. And there’s a reason for it – I totally embrace all of those things I wrote about the heart of a bisexual and I believe it, beyond any doubt and in the face of my detractors. It’s not what I do in this, it’s how I am in this that makes all the difference – that way to be.

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  4. disconcerted72

    10 March 2014 at 16:07

    Those are great qualities espousing self-esteem. I often think that a lof of these qualities are needed for people facing any sort of oppression, but then again, the types of oppression we face is unique to our particular demographic.

    Empowering post!

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  5. sunnydelyte21

    10 March 2014 at 17:38

    I loved this piece. It makes me want those who don’t know what it means to be bisexual to understand that we are like them just a little different. No confused and it isn’t all about sex.

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  6. Cinnamon

    11 March 2014 at 15:00

    Rob, I felt something very different in this writing today. A more introspective look as you wrote. Very nice. One thing that you replied to someone said it all for me. You said, “Actually, SillyG, it’s not hard because however you see yourself – gay, bi, trans, whatever – isn’t based on how others see you: It’s how you see yourself, the heart of you.”

    And to me….that is at the heart of everything that I do. Not just as a bisexual woman, but just a person. As long as you don’t see yourself as a “victim” you can handle whatever the world dishes out. I am also tired of the labels as someone else said in response to this blog. But in a way, labels allow us to process what we feel. I have a whole set of “notions” that I reserve for people that I know are straight. I have a much more fun box of “notions and potions, and fun toys” for my friends that aren’t….LOL Again, it comes back to courtesy for me. Would I want someone to be “in my face” all the time with their sexuality? Nope. No more than I want someone to slap me up side the head with their political views, or religious views. But knowing a little bit about the person in advance may help to keep my #10 out of my mouth. I’m not a huge fan of LOUD & PROUD…..about anything. There are some things that we are all very passionate about, I get that. I just prefer to be more subtle. The world needs trailblazers, but I don’t think that in the past the Gay Community or the Bisexual Community have chosen very wisely when it came to our standard bearers. It’s much easier to not be judged right away if a person can get to know you a little first, before you spring things like your sexuality on them. Give them the options of asking. Don’t force the issue. That’s just me. But I’ve had good luck so far with just being honest and conscience of others feelings.

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    • kdaddy23

      11 March 2014 at 15:41

      Cinn, my darling, welcome back and thank you. Labels are for processing, for identification and not a stick to beat people with – but that’s what we do, don’t we, and if your heart’s in the right place, you see and understand labels – and they don’t bother you one bit; a rose by any other name still smells as sweet – and it’s still a rose, isn’t it?

      Yes, this is a very introspective look; as I’ve said, a lot of bisexuality is introspective and it’s only when one can look inside themselves that they will see the truth and then be able to embrace that truth and regardless to whether they actually need to do something about it. Our ‘problem’ isn’t that we’re bisexual – it’s that other people can’t or won’t accept that we are, either individually or as a whole and now it’s a matter of what you’re gonna pay the most attention to: Being true to yourself or letting the opinions of others convince you that you’re not what you know yourself to be or otherwise give you grief.

      Care to guess which thing I pay the most attention to?

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  7. sexuallycurious

    12 March 2014 at 11:11

    I completely agree. As a therapist and life coach I believe we’re too caught up in labels and the sexual behavior. Bisexuality is obviously a sexual orientation, a label describing behavior, but our emotional needs and relationał styles are what existentially guide us–not the thirst for sex.

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  8. hallsofthemind

    20 March 2014 at 01:02

    This was a very enjoyable post. The complexity of any one individual is not solely understood in a given label. Each component of the individual has to be considered in relation to the other aspects of that individual. Unfortunate as it is, this is often not the case for bisexual men. Bisexual men are reduced to the most basic level of the label being applied to them and therefore are seen one dimensionally. The list is wonderful too but for some, the list might seem like ideals and not factual states of being.
    Bright blessings,
    J

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    • kdaddy23

      20 March 2014 at 01:34

      I’m glad you enjoyed it, J, and welcome to my blog – your comments are much appreciated. Whether the list is more idealistic than factual depends on whether or not it’s possible to fully quantify and qualify bisexuality – and no one has been able to do this that I’m aware of. Lacking quantification and qualification, idealism is pretty much all we have to work with – think of them as goals, if that helps and ones that establish the fact that, yeah, I’m bisexual… but not so one-dimensional as society’s trying to make us out to be.

      One of the problems this particular blog tries to address is the fight against social negativity and, if nothing else, making peace with ourselves and our sexuality. I believe in the list and a lot of other things that could go on that list because for a lot of bisexuals, you just have to be okay with yourself about it more than worrying about what society has to say; we already know what they think so we must be able to rise above the negativity and to tell society’s naysayers that with the exception of how we may love and have sex in this, we’re really no different from straights and gays. If you read the comments others left about this, they say that this list is rather applicable to everyone and not just bisexuals.

      Factual states of being… this has me frowning a little because I’m not totally sure what you mean by this. Taken at face value, I can do the whole “I think, therefore, I am” thing and that’s pretty factual and kinda hard to disprove. I can state – and as I have a whole lot – that I’ve been bisexual long enough to have completed examined myself and my behaviors, things that are, in fact, only a part of my state of being – I’m bisexual and I exist in more ways than one. To that end, couldn’t one say that the ideals behind hetero- and homosexuality are just that and aren’t factual states of being as well? But, again, it depends on exactly what a factual state of being is or means.

      I could be wrong about that. I do, however, get that we’re not socially acceptable, not like bisexual women and gay men are but at the end of the day, J, it’s not really about what society thinks – it’s what I think that matters the most.

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      • hallsofthemind

        20 March 2014 at 02:52

        Kdaddy23,
        You give me much to ponder. I like the proscriptive you advocate for here and its among the healthiest that I can think of. Yet, for some men, who have as yet not reached the state of being that the list is suggestive of, it could seem more like a dream. Goals are fantastic and are things we all strive for. For some bi-men, they may not be as well adjusted and healthy as exemplars such as yourself are.I think that you and other men like you are going to be the role models that others are look at. I agree that what “we” (the individual) think is what matters most, but because I don’t see this as being the area that a large number of bi-men inhabit, I do push more of a social justice perspective. This of course could be a function of my own history and biases. I look forward to seeing more here at your blog. I wish you well.
        J

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      • kdaddy23

        20 March 2014 at 03:42

        J, they could get there if they wanted to get there; it can be difficult but not impossible. Part of getting there includes becoming as well-adjusted as possible because how in the hell are you gonna expect everyone else to accept this about you if you can’t accept and adapt/adjust to it? What a lot of men I’ve talked to find is you don’t have to be emotionally well-adjusted to have sex with a guy – you just get naked and do it because, as I’m fond of saying, if they don’t have that emotional affinity for men, it’s just sex and that is so easily self-justifiable.

        Ha, me… a role model. I suppose I could be because I’ve been there, done a whole lot of that, and would never run out of T-shirts. But, along the way – and thanks to my curiosity – I’ve learned so much about being bisexual and how men can struggle with it; I know what I did to get pass those things and when I write about it in this blog, I try to share what I learned – can’t do too much more than that.

        Do you, by chance, have an objectivity issue going on here? As an observer – and I believe you know this – if you cannot set aside your personal biases or whatever else you have going on, what’s that going to do with your observed data? You can have your opinions, beliefs, whatever you wanna call them but they should never be allowed to taint your observable data. We don’t need social justice, J, because we’re really not gay men; what we need is for people to understand us better than they do, that’s all; the rest will eventually take care of itself.

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      • hallsofthemind

        20 March 2014 at 04:25

        Kdaddy23,
        I do have my own personal ideals and beliefs, however there is no objectivity issues here. I have reported only what the data is showing me. Even so as a human I too am inclined to make mistakes the data has been peer-reviewed.
        I agree they can achieve health and identity that is stable and complete. That however can take both time and sometimes help.
        I disagree with the idea that social justice is not needed. Social justice is not limited to gay men or any other group. Not all people start in the same place and not all have the same opportunity. The struggles are necessary but since no human being is an island unto themselves, a helping hand can go a long way.
        Still I think that it is positive to see strong bisexual men out there setting an example.
        J

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      • kdaddy23

        20 March 2014 at 04:50

        Thank you!

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  9. Milfwomb

    28 March 2014 at 19:49

    I found this post inspiring and thought provoking. I am considered a ‘new gay’ among my friends, as I came out as being bisexual September 2013, although I have considered myself bicurious for years. I love reading about people’s thoughts and opinions on the subject. I am actually creating a project about homosexuality in college, in order to help understand myself better, in terms of my sexuality. Thank you for a great read!

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      28 March 2014 at 21:55

      You’re welcome – I’m glad you enjoyed it and if it helped you to understand, you honor me!

      Like

       

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