They’re At It Again

21 Mar

I would like for those of you who are interested in this to go read this blogger’s blog to get the full gist of what I’m about to start riffing about – I’ll wait.

I read what they included in their blog and I had a lot of thoughts about it which came out in my comments on the blog but I wanted to put here, like, how does one go about scientifically proving any of this and then the thing that got my attention was the article mentioning that bisexuality is an invented orientation created by those who don’t want to admit that they’re really gay.

What the fuck…?  Okay, I can get my head around the fact that bisexuality is drawing a great deal of attention these days as compared to when I started on this path of sexuality, lo, all those many years ago but to see the NYT writing something that suggests that bisexuality is a figment of a bisexual’s imagination just makes my jaw be all unhinged because from where I’m sitting – and based on where I came from in this – how can you possibly make up something that existed way before even I was born?  I guess someone’s eventually going to say that heterosexuality is an invented orientation because there’s a gay person inside everyone?  And if you think that sounds patently ridiculous, well so does bisexuality as an invented orientation.  And I noted that in the NYT article, um, they failed to mention who they thought invented this and when they may have done it.

I don’t get it; human history is rife with examples of bisexuality, going back to the creation of the Greek and Roman civilizations – and a time, I might add, that bisexuality was seen as okay until Christianity changed the rules.  As far as I can tell, the word ‘bisexual’ was coined in the 1800s (somewhere around 1892) but wasn’t generally used until the 1950s and, of course, wasn’t removed as an official mental disorder until 1974 (about the same time masturbation was also removed from the official list of mental disorders).  I know that as a young bisexual who, by the way, was beginning to run on all cylinders with this in in the early 1960s, the one ‘danger’ I had to possibly face was being mistaken for being homosexual and had wondered at one point that if I wasn’t heterosexual or homosexual, what was I?  A trip to the library answered that one and I learned a word that was created 63 years before I was born and 72 years before I had my first experience (give or take a couple of years).

Invented orientation, huh?

Back to the science for a moment.  I know that I’m bisexual and to what extent I am… but how do I prove it?  I mean, if you’re not going to take my word for it, what would I have to do, get put in a room with a woman and a man and let my actions speak for me?  Probably not very scientific or ethical but, ha, it would probably produce some very credible results.

Which now leads in nicely to this guy’s blog I ran across last night – – he and I had a rather interesting conversation on the subject and one of the things I asked him – and I’m probably paraphrasing myself – is how does one quantify and qualify something that’s more internalized with someone than anything else?  I mean, what a bisexual might do is really only a small part of it – think icebergs, if that helps.

J, as I came to know him last night, was telling me about all the available research papers out there that he used to write the contents of the above-referenced blog and I got to thinking right before I started writing this – the idea for this was rapidly forming – is that a lot of the research stuff I’ve seen is great at doing a lot of things, like putting all the stereotypes, myths, and assumptions out there to be examined and some try to convince the reader that maybe, just maybe, bisexuals are really homosexuals in denial.  J did mention that he believes that the data are rather scarce and that’s because bisexuals aren’t all out in the open and, as such, it’s hard to compile any really reliable, definitive data.  I get that for those research papers out there, talking to bisexuals probably happened albeit in small numbers but if you read J’s blog as I did, well, I wondered what bisexuals they talked to because they sure as hell didn’t talk to me… not that I have the definitive answer.

Still, I thought J had some interesting things to say in his writing – go check it out.

I just know what I am and how it specifically applies to me because, duh, bisexuality really isn’t a one-size-fits-all situation. Seriously, how does one prove that they’re heterosexual?  How is homosexuality proved?  Simplest answer is people are asked, they give their answer, and you take their word for it and then hope they’re telling the truth.  I just don’t pretend to understand how bisexuality can be quantified and qualified to the point where someone will once again say, “Bisexuals do exist – and here’s the definitive proof!” because, again, a lot of what makes me bisexual are things I don’t even have words for.

It makes me wonder if there’s a real and serious need to prove that we exist – what’s the real point in this?  The one recurring thing I keep seeing about this is the insistence that we – bisexuals – either need to pick a side and stay on that side or that we’re really gay and in need of some serious couch time because we’re in such great denial.  Hmm… is that all you got?  Is this the best that can be offered?  And it is to note that neither of these positions are offered to prove that bisexuality is real – they’re there to prove that it isn’t… and I don’t believe it’s working because my sexuality is very real to me… unless the Matrix really has me and I took the blue pill.  I gotta ask, though:  If bisexuality doesn’t exist, why go to such lengths to prove that it doesn’t?

And then what difference would any definitive proof make when it’s kinda obvious that the general populace has proven that they’re more willing to believe the perceptions rather than the truth?  I suppose that in one sense, science – and the various fields of psychology in particular – would have that ‘documented proof’ that, yep, there really is a sexuality middle ground.

That we’re all supposed to live in a straight world is a given; everything we’re taught kinda proves this out… but it’s also pretty damned obvious that even though we take a “majority rules” approach to sexuality, we do not and never have lived in a straight world.  Today, we’ve settled into a rather narrow-minded, Sith-inspired point of view:  You’re either straight or you’re gay… and that’s despite the famous Kinsey Report revealing that heterosexuality is at one of their scale and homosexuality is at the other… so just what in the hell do they think is in the middle of these two extremes?  Um, what numbers are between zero and six?

To hear them talk about it, there’s nothing there and that’s so fucking egocentric that I’m not even sure I used the right word to describe the absolute lunacy of it all.  And then scientists like J wonder why bisexuals might need some time on the couch to help them cope with their sexuality?  The sheer fact that there are therapists and other professionals trained to deal with sexuality issues should prove that it exists because how can you treat someone for something that doesn’t exist?  Unless, of course, the purpose of such treatment is to convince the bisexual that if they’re not gonna admit that they’re straight, they should admit that they’re gay – that would be a pretty neat Jedi mind trick because, in this blogger’s opinion, that’s what it’s gonna take to make a bisexual believe that he/she is something they know they aren’t; that or some pretty potent and interesting drugs.

You can collect all the data possible, crunch all the numbers there are to crunch, and present the results… but it’s gonna tell you what people think, what they’re afraid of in this, and expose the reader to all known stereotypes… and it proves nothing… but it doesn’t disprove it either; how can you sift through the data and determine that, say, more white men are bisexual than Black men… when it’s said that bisexual men, specifically, don’t exist?  Huh?  How is this possible?  Oh, yeah, and you might note in either of the blogs I referenced here that bisexual women get a bit of a kick in the side but no one’s saying that bisexual women don’t exist, not that I’ve seen.  I’ve seen it said that there are a lot of straight girls faking it in order to attract male attention but while there is a faction that isn’t fond of this behavior, bisexual women are well-accepted in our society and I think we all know why that is, don’t we?

Okay, actions speak louder than words, theoretically speaking.  One blogger I started following said in her blog that her husband stated that not only was she going through a phase, she wasn’t really bisexual until she actually had sex with another woman, something that she’s not interested in because she loves her husband and believes in their relationship… but she knows that she is.  I can accept that because I know one can be quite bisexual and never have or want to have the sex; this lack of action, to me, doesn’t invalidate anyone’s bisexuality.  Here’s where the theory falls apart:  Straight people who have gay sex and still insist that they’re straight and usually by employing the relationship excuse, as in they wouldn’t want to have a same-sex relationship and as if that’s a hard requirement for bisexuality, which it isn’t if I may be allowed to remind everyone.

In this, their words are supposed to speak louder than their actions, right?  So which is it:  Is it what we say or is it what we do?  Which of these two things can be used to prove or disprove the existence of bisexuality?  Ah, but like bisexuality, I don’t believe the answer is either/or… but if you put both things under the intellectual microscope and carefully examine them, methinks you’re gonna be able to prove bisexuality more than you can disprove it; at the very least, bisexuals understand that it’s just as much about how we think and feel as it is what we might do.

Jeez, why can’t they just take our word that we’re bisexual or open their damned eyes and look at the evidence that already exists about our existence?  Lord knows it’s been around for a long time.  How can anyone look at the data and other information that has already been collected about this and say that bisexuality doesn’t exist and needs to be definitively proven?

Beats me… I just know what I am and to what extent I am and if you can’t, won’t, or don’t believe me, well, I don’t know what to tell you about this.


Posted by on 21 March 2014 in Life, Living and Loving


Tags: , ,

14 responses to “They’re At It Again

  1. ellendolfan

    21 March 2014 at 08:15

    I never realized how much bi phobia there was until I started reading blogs. People don’t want to admit that it exists. Others think it’s just for attention. And I think male partners of bisexual females seem to feel threatened by it. At least I’ve noticed that response in the two males in my life. (Btw, my husband said it was a phase, the other guy said it wasn’t valid until I’d had sex with a woman. But he has since changed his mind after doing some research.) As a woman, I would have reservations about dating a bisexual male, but my only concern is that I wouldn’t be able to give blood again if I had sex with one. I’m not sure what point I’m trying to make, but it seems like neither gays or straights want to include us in their rants. The gays think we can’t have a sincere relationship, and the straights think we want to hit anything our there.


    • kdaddy23

      21 March 2014 at 12:42

      Hi Ellen and thank you for correcting my error! Yeah, I knew how much biphobia there was, going back to when I was in junior high school and it’s only gotten worse since I heard the term, “switch-hitter” and it didn’t refer to baseball. We see the near-paranoid fear that bi men are a disease vector and that if you sleep with one, you can never give blood again. I’m not saying that this hasn’t happened but no one takes the time to speak the truth: Not all bi men are infected with anything. I know I’ve never caught anything from anyone, just like I know I’m HIV negative and, seriously, if a woman had a doubt about a guy’s health, there are places that’ll do free testing, ya know? That’s why condoms exist, right? Like, where I live, if you’re HIV-positive and you don’t tell a potential sexual partner that you are, that’s an attempted murder charge! Ain’t no dick or pussy worth getting charged with that, right! But people would rather cower in fear than to take whatever time’s necessary to find the truth. Bisexual and straight women have been so busy worrying about screwing a bi guy and catching something that they forget that it’s quite possible for men to catch nasty things from them, too.

      I don’t pay the biphobia a lot of attention; I know it’s been out there, it can be pretty bad, too. All I do is just shake my head slowly and sadly because we still don’t know how to play nice with each other.


      • ellendolfan

        21 March 2014 at 17:39

        I know it sounds homophobic of me to say I wouldn’t date a bi man for that reason, but it’s kind of a point of pride to me to donate blood. My life was saved by two donors, and I like to be able to do it. Unfortunately you’re barred from donating if you’ve had sex with a man who had sex with a man. Lol, moot point any way since I’m married.


      • kdaddy23

        22 March 2014 at 02:33

        Yeah, I’ve heard that a lot of women feel that way; I can’t give blood, not because of my sexuality but because I’ve got a few tattoos or, as the BB worker said, “You have 13 too many!”

        I remember laughing at her comment and telling her that I only go to reputable artists and I will make them re-sterilize equipment if I don’t see that they have their station clean and orderly.

        Sentiments like yours, which again echoes other women, kinda makes me wonder about the value of testing when people are just going to automatically assume you’re a risk and no matter what the lab work says. It is the stick that’s used to beat male bisexuals with, even those guys who have never had any kind of guy/guy sex. I’m not saying that it isn’t what it is for some guys – I just point out that it ain’t like that for all male bisexuals and society either chooses to forget this little nugget or they figure, condemn all of them and the people who associate with them and don’t bother to sort it out later… which solves nothing and just makes shit harder for those men who are careful about what they do and who they do it with.

        It’s pretty fucked up, Ellen.


      • ellendolfan

        22 March 2014 at 09:24

        Look, it isn’t my personal belief that they’re carrying anything. It’s the rules the blood bank goes by. It is just my opinion that I would like to keep myself in a position to be able to donate.


      • kdaddy23

        22 March 2014 at 12:11

        I understood that, Ellen, and I give you props for that. Its the people who assume we are all sick with bad stuff instead of addressing those who are.


  2. Olly

    21 March 2014 at 15:54

    Hello! That was a really interesting and thought-provoking response to the NYT article. I did manage to (eventually) negotiate my way through the whole thing on my commute home.

    You already know I hate the whole “prove it”mentality behind sexual identity. As you frequently mention throughout your post “I just am”. Really, that should be enough.

    I don’t see anyone demanding a curriculum fucktae from straight people, asking them to prove their heterosexuality (and I tell you what, their sexual history better be 100% straight or else I reserve the right to reclassify them under the overwhelming evidence).

    I have two main issues with the requirement for proof – especially from pro-bi groups, which in my humblest opinion are merely indulging and encouraging the non-bi aggressors by giving them this sort of ridiculous attention instead of the two fingers “fucking deal with it I exist” response that they deserve (if you’ll excuse my anglo-saxon).

    My first issue is the fact that “proof” is required. How do the celibate ‘prove’ their feelings? It also erases asexuals from the picture, biromantic or otherwise. Teenagers who are exploring their sexual identity but won’t actually have their first sexual exprience for many years. A lot of queer people (myself included) recognised their queerness before they understood what sex and sexuality was.

    My second issue is, that if a body of proof is required by the non-bi population who are not satisfied with our cry of “ego sum” that someone things definitive proof can be found through the viewing of pornography.

    I’m not even going to start on the problems within the industry regarding straight or lesbian porn (in specific relation to the treatment of women/arguments about objectification/ issues relating to the true audience of lesbian porn) .

    Porn just doesn’t do it for everyone. Again we return to ace-erasure. But also, some people just… don’t. For any number of reasons; social, political, personal. I don’t think its an accurate measuring tool. Too many variables to quantify a reliable result. The article touched on it briefly, when it questioned the “quality” of the porn.

    There’s also the theme of entrapment, that bisexuals set out to somehow fool our monosexual counterparts into having sex with us before we skip off into the sunset, giggling fiendishly at our success. You see the same accusation levied at trans people; that poor straight people (usually male) are tempted by the siren call of trans people only to discover nothing is as it appears.

    So much bullshit, it’s exhausting.
    Sorry, this turned into a bit of a rant…


    • kdaddy23

      21 March 2014 at 16:33

      Ranting is fine, Olly, as long as you’re not ranting at me! Your issues with proof are warranted – I just don’t know how it can be proved scientifically; you can do studies until the cows come home and you’re still not going to get a complete enough picture to say, definitively, that yes, bisexuals really do exist and that’s because it’s almost impossible to study everyone about their sexuality. How do you prove feelings? How do you prove those things in a bisexual’s head that have no words? I can walk into a room of scientists and say, “I am bisexual; I love women and love having sex with men!” How much more proof is required? I can provide details and even the more, ah, juicier ones but all that does is confirm what I said in my opening, doesn’t it?

      If I’ve never had the sex, does it invalidate what I’m feeling and thinking? How do you prove that it doesn’t? And, yes, Queer folks would have a much harder time having to prove that they are they way they are. Trans peoples confuse me; they’re born male or female but feel that they aren’t the gender they were born into. Okay, I’ve always admitted that this baffles me… but if that’s what they said, what further proof would I require and what form would that proof have to be in? I don’t even have to understand this (but I try) to accept that, okay, you’re a guy but you know that you’re really female; oh, you’re gonna have some surgery to make your body reflect the inner you? Okay, wow, that sounds painful… but you do what you gotta do for yourself and your sanity.

      But, then again, how do you prove that someone is straight or homosexual? Why don’t their existence have to be proven?

      Porn validates nothing except our desires to watch other people fucking and in ways we either can’t or won’t do – it’s still art trying to imitate life and its only purpose is to stimulate more than anything else. Having said that, if you’re a guy and have never sucked cock before, sure, you can watch some gay porn and pretty much see everything two men can do to and with each other… but a real life experience is going to be very different because, duh, watching two dudes sucking each other ain’t the same as doing it yourself.

      All the riffing that’s being done, in and of itself, says that bisexuality exists; otherwise, why are they raising so much hell about something they say doesn’t exist? If they’re so quick to point out all the negatives of bisexuality, um, doesn’t that tell them something because they don’t want to see any of the positives? Are they really that fucking stupid?

      It’s one thing that bisexuals (in particular) have to prove to themselves that they’re what they think they are – and for some that can be difficult all by itself and more so if they’re not ready to take the plunge. But to have to prove themselves at the social level? Really? Seriously? They need to get a grip…


      • Olly

        21 March 2014 at 16:54

        Definitely not ranting at you (and I’m sorry if it came across as such).

        I sometimes think it has more to do with the general human obsession with what everyone else is doing that we find ourselves in this predicament. It isn’t enough that we have our own realities to cope with, some people feel the need to exercise absolute control over everyone’s else’s life experience which is where you get anti-choice legislation and the invasive and destructive “studies” into non-cishet lifestyles. “wait, they’re not like me? this must not be allowed!”

        I agree with all your points. It’s just such a nightmare to navigate. It can be hard enough to accept yourself without having to come up with a reasoned argument (with footnotes and references) to justify your very existence.

        At the end of the day, some people just need to wind their necks in and mind their own damned business.


      • kdaddy23

        21 March 2014 at 17:09

        Personally, I think it has to do with our natural tendency to not like things that are not like us; we see this behavior each and every day and this crap about bisexuality isn’t any different; straight folks want us to pick a side and stay on the side we pick, gay folks want us to admit that we’re really gay.

        Humans are crazy. If they ain’t minding their own business, well, that can be a good thing in a way ’cause we learn things by not minding our own business if you kinda think about it. However, when you’re in our business and throwing shit all over the place just because, sexually, we’re different from everyone else, then yeah – you need to go find something better to do with your time.


  3. Lesbian Brooklynite

    25 March 2014 at 14:07

    This is ridiculous. Bisexuality is very real. They sound ignorant, I get it, I get they do not understand. But, they shouldn’t be writing an article in the NYT.


    • kdaddy23

      25 March 2014 at 14:52

      LB, you know how it is – someone has always have to keep the dumb shit alive because they don’t have anything better to do. If the NYT or any other form of media isn’t going to be part of the solution, they should stop being part of the problem; all they’re doing is stirring up the shit at the bottom and, importantly, making bisexuals feel uncomfortable or unsure of themselves in this. I’d guess and say that by questioning the existence and validity of bisexuality in the media and showing all of the negative stuff, it’s their way of say, “Y’all give this shit up and be either straight or gay!”


  4. Pyx

    25 March 2014 at 16:22

    The NYTimes article in full:

    “I read what they included in their blog […]the thing that got my attention was the article mentioning that bisexuality is an invented orientation created by those who don’t want to admit that they’re really gay”

    The article did not say that bisexuality was invented it did however mention that “ in the eyes of many Americans, bisexuality — despite occasional and exaggerated media reports of its chicness — remains a bewildering and potentially invented orientation favored by men in denial about their homosexuality” please for the love of all that is holy instead of become outraged why not read the article?!

    I found this article, skipped the blog, to be very bisexually positive – it has taken a page from the book of ‘Gay’ and is finding its own way (without the help of the gay and lesbian community) to provide non-believers that they exist and why it is important to them to do so.

    This article manages to say a lot about the lack of support from the gay community and how bisexual men are treated by gay men “Gay guys don’t usually want to have a relationship with a bi guy, but they sure want to have sex with him” and what I found most informative, something that is often overlooked or rarely talked about, is that for a lot of people ‘bisexuality’ was in fact a transitional phase before their reached X. I do not think it wrong for anyone to say that ‘I experimented with women and men and you know what, I love dudes!’ but I would think as a bisexual person this article was in fact positive – helpful and something you could hand over to a friend that maybe doesn’t get it?

    As for the comment about giving blood and bisexuality: it is true, when last I was able to give blood they asked if I have been with bisexual men, they do not ask me if I have been with bisexual women but they do ask if I have been with men that have been with prostitutes. There are just some higher risk behaviours (not sexuality) that they screen for – however they do not ask if I have had sex with any exotic animals or someone from another country. Go figure.

    There are just some facts that we cannot ignore – the highest numbers of people presenting with STI’s in America are bisexual men – I am not saying they are dirty or bad but what I am saying that perhaps the people who are working so hard to voice that bisexualism is real ( and I believe that it is) should also be talking about sexual risks: for us ‘non bisexuals’ the numbers are giving us a bad impression.

    Perhaps these men are unaware that penis comes with its own infectious issues, pussy is not always to blame, that oral sex with a dude can be brought back to your gf or wife because for reason a lot of these bisexual guys aren’t getting it.

    By the numbers bisexuality equals higher risk because sexual behaviour of the people taking those risks, it’s a real shame but I am with Ellen – when someone tells me they are bisexual I do get extra cautious – a bad knee jerk reaction on my part yes. I want all sexual people to not have to sneak or hide who they are, to me, that is what creates high risk sexual behaviour: regardless of orientation.

    For a moment lets us put ourselves in someone else’s shoes be them gay or straight but they are simply looking at the numbers trying to understand bisexuality : What are these numbers saying? And why? What do they represent? What are these numbers telling people who are not bisexual?

    It was a good article and I would recommend it to anyone – in fact I even went to the bisexual web link provided. I liked that even amongst themselves they debate, share ideas, disagree but they have a common goal and is really important in any fight!


    • kdaddy23

      25 March 2014 at 18:10

      Without a doubt, being a bi guy doesn’t come without its issues and while I’m sure someone in the right frame of mind could take away some positives, such things are almost always filled with every negative that can be thought of. That we’re treated like gay men almost makes sense… except we’re not gay men – we’re just gay men some of the time and while gay men are loathe to be in a relationship with a bi guy, well, the feeling’s mutual for most of us – let’s do the sex but let’s not play house, okay? I like you… but not that much.

      I thought about the blood thing and on the one hand, it’s such a huge issue and since there’s really no way to tell who’s bi and who isn’t, okay, shutting anyone down that has had homosexual sex is the best way to go… but it also sends what I think is a bad message; since all sorts of shit can be transmitted in this, everyone is guilty by association. Sure, a necessary evil but one doesn’t have to like it. This is one of the many facts that cannot and should not be ignored but, Pyx, it’s old news; it’s the thing that whenever male bisexuality is talked about is always on the table and discussed to the nth degree. And I maintain that if bisexuality supposedly doesn’t exist, why do these facts exist in the first place?

      Fucking duh…

      LGBTQ advocates say there isn’t enough support for bisexuals from the gay community and that’s a fact… but, then again, why would they support bisexuality when, by our very nature we violate what it means, for some, to be gay? Lord knows I’ve heard more than my fair share of fussing from gay men because while they may find me adorable or whatever, the one thing they don’t like about me is that I will get me some pussy in a flat skinny second. It used to piss me off, too, but at the end of the day, it is what it is – I love pussy, too, and gay men would rather not be bothered with it. I can accept that so, no, the lack of support – at the least – doesn’t surprise me all that much. But, again, if those folks in the gay community aren’t all that eager to support us, um, wouldn’t be be against supporting something that does, in fact, exist?

      See, to the question of existence, it’s a really big duh – of course it does! Now, to sit back and point out all of the bad shit about being bisexual, while informational and all that, serves no purpose other than to keep putting more shit in the game and one that already has more shit than it knows what to do with. Existence isn’t really the issue – this writing spoke more to the problems within such an existence. And it’s not not all the “usual crap” that makes me riff about this: It the fact that they feel a need to question the existence of something that, at the very least, history can prove if they bothered to look backward for a moment instead of focusing on the issues and issues that because of such focus, none of us – even bisexuals – can ignore. Yes, overall acceptance in this would be great and I think even necessary in the whole human sexuality thing.

      Still, if we can agree that heterosexuals and homosexuals exist, shouldn’t it be a no-brainer to accept the fact that there is a middle ground? I think it should be and even for better or worse – but that’s not such an obvious fact for a lot of people, not like it is with me or other bisexuals. Above all, bisexuals have to speak out, whether it’s about the good or the bad because if we remain silent, we can’t be heard and, yeah, bi men in particular will continue to be viewed as gay men and I feel we must speak out to let everyone know that this ain’t entirely the truth with us, no more than a bisexual woman is really a lesbian. We should be outraged and, as such, we should let our outrage be known; if we are incredulous over this, yes, this, too, should be spoken or written to and, by know, you should know me about such things.

      I won’t be silent about it, outraged or otherwise.



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The Self-Actualized Life

Have a fulfilling life sexually and every other way!

Larry Archer's World (

------ Erotica from the dirty mind of Larry Archer


is there a path to a successful open marriage?


The silent inside of an anonymous Indian rebelling against society

The (Bi)te

The uninteresting world of a young bisexual girl


What Perspective Matters Most Depends on Your Perception


Just my random thoughts and meanderings... I'll try to keep you entertained


when and why size matters


I write when the choice is to die if I don't

My SEXuality

Why am I afraid to tell you who I'am?

Confessions of a Cheating Housewife

...because love just isn't enough ;)

Apparently I Don't Exist

The Many Adventures of a Bisexual Genderqueer

Writing Myself into a Hole

The flailing scraps of a struggling writer. Original fiction and creative whining, whenever my petulance will allow it.

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