What Should You Do?

08 Apr

If you believe yourself to be bisexual and you’re standing on the edge of deciding what, if anything, you can do now that you’ve decided that you feel the way you do about men and women (or whatever gender’s doing it for ya), my first words to you are along the lines of what you don’t have to do:

  • You don’t have to have the sex
  • You don’t have to seek out a same-sex relationship
  • You don’t have to buy into all of the shit being tossed around about being bisexual
  • You don’t have to tell the whole damned world that you’re bisexual

Simply, the only thing you really have to do is accept that this is how you feel and then don’t let anyone dissuade you or otherwise try to convince you that you’re just going through a phase, are confused, weird or, one of my favorites, in league with the devil and the worst sinner who ever lived.  Yesterday, I wrote about having to struggle with being bisexual and I have to admit that I stopped writing because, honestly, I was getting pretty pissed off about it, not because I’m doing any struggling but because others are being made to struggle an it’s my belief that this trip isn’t even necessary even though I do understand why it happens.

For years, I’ve watched gay folks literally and figuratively get hammered because they chose not to be a lemming and be straight; like everyone else, we’re taught that being straight is the only way to be which, of course, severely conflicts with how someone might feel.  Because the plight of homosexuals was out there for all to see, eh, it’s no wonder why the many bisexuals out there were not only leery about being discovered but had reason to question their decision to be bisexual and, yeah, even I did that back in the day if only for my own personal safety.  But, here lately, Jesus, I’ve been seeing all the stuff being said about bisexuals and have read reactions from other bisexuals here on WordPress and my mind asks what is for me a rhetorical question:  What does someone have to do in order to end their struggles with this?  One of the answers that comes to mind – and it has a bullet up near the top – is to not buy into the negativity being dished out by others; one can be aware that it exists but if they pay attention to it, it’s just gonna make their struggles worse.

One blog I read right before I decided to write this had the author saying that she didn’t believe that she could be bisexual if she couldn’t be in a same-sex relationship – but she admitted that she likes girls right along with lining guys.  For the record, this notion makes me see red because I have no idea where such a notion came from except maybe what we’re taught about sex, love, and relationships, i.e., that the three things can only take place in a boy/girl mode of behavior… and it’s obviously not true – it’s just the way our morality wants us to behave.  But because there are many bisexuals and even curious people who feel that being in a same-sex relationship is the only way to validate their sexuality, they do, in fact, maintain their struggle and based on a “requirement” that actually doesn’t exist.  Sure, if you feel you can deal with a same-sex relationship, go for it… but if you can’t, that you can’t doesn’t invalidate how you feel.

You just accept that this is how you feel.  You don’t have to go buck wild and have all the sex that’s possible although, yeah, I’d be a bald-faced liar if I said that it wouldn’t be fun to get your cookies crumbled like this.  Sex, period, can be emotionally and physically risky – it’s always been a crap shoot so if you are of a mind that being bisexual all of a sudden makes you a disease vector or will turn you into a hormone-crazed sex fiend, then all you’re doing is making your struggle with your sexuality that much harder.  If you choose to indulge in the sex, do what you want to do and don’t pay too much attention to the stereotypes that want to tag along with you to the bedroom, like all bi guys have anal sex or other such nonsense.  Whether you do/try it all is entirely up to you and your sense of sexual adventure.  So I’ve already talked about the relationship thing – what a crock of shit! – and then we get to the shout it to the mountaintop portion of the program:  Coming out.

Yep, it’s daunting and can set you up for rejection like you’ve never experienced before and causing deep emotional trauma that’ll put you on a therapist’s couch for years, not to mention all the antidepressants that’ll find their way into your medicine cabinet.  I’ve learned, through my own experiences with this and the experiences of others that, first, you come out to yourself ’cause if you can’t do that, you won’t be able to tell anyone else.  If you’re in a relationship, should you tell the other person?  For the purposes of honesty and full disclosure, sure, you can tell them… if you’re prepared to deal with their reaction and you understand that it might not be good; I’ve known people to come out to their partner and that was the end of their relationship.  You not only have to steel yourself for a possible bad reaction, you’d also better be totally ready to answer every question put to you no matter how stupid it may sound.  If you expect your partner to just easily accept that you’re bisexual, hmm, you might be making a mistake that will bring you nothing but disappointment and deepen your struggle:  Hope for the best but expect the worse.

See, this is the part where it’s said that bisexuals can’t have and stay in a relationship and that we’re dishonest because a lot of bisexuals will consider these things before telling their partner and choose not to tell them because, after all, the relationship is important – they find it’s better to err on the side of caution.  Yeah, some can argue that it’s a lie of omission and, as such, shady and underhanded but if you don’t have any plans on doing something about your sexuality while in your relationship – that ain’t likely to happen as a matter of course – then you run the risk of increasing your struggles by getting your head handed to you over something you have no plans on acting on – you’ll be found guilty under the “thinking is doing ” rule.

What should you do about this?  Only tell the people you firmly believe need to know and, for everyone else, a bit of “don’t ask, don’t tell” – if they don’t ask, you don’t tell.  Sounds sneaky, I know, but it’s almost common sense – why invite trouble when you don’t have to?  It’s also a bit of common sense in that you don’t tell anyone you know to be homophobic or otherwise has some bad shit to say about anyone who isn’t straight.  In this, it’s about being selective and doing what you think is the best thing for you to do and not, as some suggest, just put your sexuality out there for everyone to see.

What else should you do?  Well, what do you want to do?  When you get right down to it, you are the best person to answer this question and, again, keep in mind that you can still be very bisexual even if you choose to do nothing.  I’ve found that if you keep your own counsel and not let the opinion of others sway you, your struggles can be minimized and perhaps even eliminated depending on your situation.

This ain’t a “how-to” kind of writing.  It is, however, some of what goes on in my head when I think about the question that is the title of this blog – and that’s just scratching the surface of my thinking.  I know some folks may think that putting an end to their struggles with bisexuality is a lot easier said than done… but it can be done and there’s really no excuse that’s valid enough to prevent a bisexual from easing their heart, soul, and mind about being bi.  You’re gonna either do something about the way you feel or you’re not; you’re gonna be accepted in this by others or you won’t; it’s not that there are so many haters out there that’s at issue – they only become a problem for you if you’re giving them your undivided attention and you believe they’re right in what they’re saying.

I need to take a moment to breathe because this shit can get me pretty riled up and more so when outside pressures are giving bisexuals unneeded problems.  I figure the purpose of my life – or one of them – is to live my life the way I want to live it and not in the way someone else wants me to.  My mother once told me that no matter it was I decided to do in life, be the best I can be and that’s something I took to heart then and now.  So I’m bisexual – so what?  And I will defend my right for this to be a part of my life because if I don’t, no one else will; if I struggle with it, it’ll be of my own doing and not because of some shit someone else is trying to lay on me or buying into their belief that being bisexual is wrong.

I won’t be my own worst enemy in this… and neither should anyone else.


Posted by on 8 April 2014 in Life, Living and Loving


Tags: , ,

3 responses to “What Should You Do?

  1. disconcerted72

    8 April 2014 at 16:33

    Once again, these words ring so familiar and so true it’s hard to do anything but smile at them. 🙂

    I have predominantely been with women, my entire life with an occasional excursion into the same-sex area. And although, I have accepted my sexuality long after I realized that there was no reason to be anything anyone says I need to be. I have found comfort in the arms of women, but there are some men that have made me weak in the knees. And although I have pondered what it would be like to be in a relationship with a man, I would never have accepted someone telling me that I “must” do something. To me there are only two things I really have to do: die and pay taxes…


  2. ellendolfan

    8 April 2014 at 18:27

    I had to have another conversation with my husband about what it means being bisexual. That it isn’t a choice, it’s hardwired in a person, it can’t be changed, and I’ve had these feelings since I was very young. He is still having a hard time with the idea that attraction to the same sex also includes desire for the same sex. I choose not to pursue it because I’m married, but the desire is still there. I feel bad that he has to even deal with this. It wasn’t an issue when were dating because I refused to accept it then. But it is an issue now. I wish I could ignore it, and it would go away. But it’s been around for 46 years, and it’s not going anywhere.


    • kdaddy23

      8 April 2014 at 18:35

      Of course, I understand how difficult it can be for a spouse or partner to get their head around; I’ve found myself having “the talk” with a straight partner many times and without them admitting that they understood. I then realized that they didn’t understand because they didn’t want to understand and even then because their own beliefs wouldn’t allow them to understand.

      But if you love each other, helping them to understand is important so you keep trying until they make you stop explaining it to them.



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