Those of you who have been following my bisexuality blogs know that I got introduced to dick at a young age and almost immediately went absolutely apeshit, diving into sex like a kid opening Christmas presents. There are still times when I look back that my younger self and just shake my head, laugh, or even cringe at the way I dangled on the edge of being out of control when it came to these things. It was fun, with a few bad moments, and it was educational in a great many ways; not only was I learning to be street smart, I was also book smart with an almost insatiable curiosity and one that had me questioning everything and particularly this sex thing. I’d hazard a guess and say that by the time I was 14, I knew more about sex than my peers and enough about it to probably shock most adults and more than enough to have gotten me grounded until I was an adult.
But, as they as, all good things come to an end and that end came to me in the form of being raped and, strangely, I’m still of two minds about that incident. The main thing, which goes along with the title of this blog, was that I wasn’t angry at the guy who raped me: I was totally pissed with myself for my lack of situational awareness. Of course, in retrospect, I knew I shouldn’t have fallen into the trap but I did and because I was so guilty of thinking with the wrong head. Even in the drugged state I found myself in, the assault on me was, oddly, delicious; I was sucked and fucked, made to suck his cock and all while being trussed up like a Christmas goose. Looking back, I know that despite being drugged, he went out of his way to avoid damaging me, just as I know that if he hadn’t eventually run out of gas and he had given any thought about the drug wearing off sooner than he thought, he would have had me there a lot longer than I had been. But he decided to snooze, the drug wore off, and I was one really pissed-off motherfucker. I was able to get loose and take serious advantage of his stupor and the short version of the ending was that he wound up being tied to the bed, beaten and bleeding, and with me walking out the door and not caring if he lived or died.
That episode taught me to be more discerning about having sex with men and to the point where I found myself becoming paranoid about it, I guess subconsciously thinking or believing that the nice guy offering sex wouldn’t be as nice as he appeared to be. I had to step up my situational awareness so that I could see the signs of a not-so-righteous dude before I got into some possible troubled so I was able to avoid falling into someone’s trap again and wind up being someone’s plaything and being helpless to do anything about it. A few times, yeah, I kinda guess wrong about some guys but I actually have to give some props to having been raped to put me in the proper frame of mind, i.e., if the guy wanted to take things too far, he was going to learn a very painful lesson and, yeah, I did wind up having to beat a few asses in order to defend myself and – get this – my virtue.
As I said in the beginning of this, all of this was educational and sometimes in that way that also teaches you that experience can be a harsh teacher so by the time I was a legal adult, my days of just giving it up to any dude who asked were long gone and that the need to be on guard did, in a few ways, take the fun out of this aspect of getting laid; quite a few years would go by before I eventually learned to fully enjoy myself with a guy without ‘worrying’ about him doing something we both might regret. Even then, the learning never stopped because when you’re bisexual, there are a lot of relationship-type issues that you have to deal with and get sorted out so that your life doesn’t wind up being a terrible mess and putting your mind into neutral, as it were; you start to think, “If I get some dick, fine, but if I don’t, that’s okay, too…”
Of course, unlike the days of my youth, as an adult, life gets in the way of things so when you’re trying to do things like work, raise a family, stuff like that, finding the time to do anything can get rather difficult and some things start to fall through the cracks, oh, like finding a nice hard dick to suck, for example. The need and desire are always there but time is at a premium; I can’t start to think about the number of encounters with men I had to rush through because there just wasn’t any time to take the time to enjoy things at a leisurely pace. And just when I thought that aspect of my life was going to be put on the shelf to collect dust, that whole open marriage thing put a different crimp in a lot of things. It’s not enough to just be able to play around with select people but when all bets are pretty much off, it not only opens a few doors of opportunity, it can also make things a lot harder than they appear to be, oh, like falling in love with a guy… and a guy whose hints and intentions went right over my head unnoticed.
Again, a learning point: Never say never. Man, what a slap in the face this was for me! It’s one thing to get naked with a guy and do whatever… but it was always done without any attachments. Sure, you might wind up making a friend (if you weren’t friends with them already) but that was the extent of it and I know I did what other bi guys did: Tell myself that I could never fall in love with a man and that actually being in a relationship with him was virtually impossible. Um… not. More lessons were learned, hard lessons that taught me that being bisexual wasn’t going to always work the way I thought it should, you know, like thinking that this shit was always going to work on my terms and that nothing was going to happen that I didn’t want to happen And even though, emotionally, this unheard of love of my life was hard for me to deal with, it was a further wakeup call that said that while you have to be discerning about women you want to relate with, you have to be equally discerning about any man because sex might not be the only thing he wants from you.
I spent a lot of time turning down sex with men because one gay man I threw down with decided that I should leave my wife and family and only be with him – then had a major hissy fit because I told him that there was no way I was gonna do that and more so since I had learned that having a loving relationship with a guy wasn’t even close to being an easy thing for me to do – I respect effeminate men, can have sex with them, but my bias is out there to be seen: I’d rather deal with guys who act like guys. I know, it’s kinda fucked up to feel this way and more so since bisexuality is a bit of a mind-opening thing but even in this, there are preferences and lines that one shouldn’t cross again – if ever. I say this without offense to these men but one of the lessons learned in this to be able to admit to yourself that there are some aspects of this that you just can’t deal with in a civilized manner.
And while I learned to be more discerning, well, there are still guys who don’t know the meaning of the word, let alone respect the fact that while I’m still willing to suck that dick, there are some things that I’m just not going to do. It brings me to a conversation I had on that site and, yeah, it was my fault because I just keep forgetting that any time I open that app, shit happens. So… I had done some stuff to one of my devices that required me to check its apps to make sure they were all working properly; I opened that app, saw that it worked, and moved on to the next one – then the messages started popping up, including the one I had in mind when I started writing this, namely the guy who obviously read my profile… and still wanted to fuck me… and then had the audacity to get pissy when I told him politely that I didn’t do that anymore and then did his best to convince me that having his dick in my ass would be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I continued to be polite and told him, no, I don’t think I’m going to change my mind about that any time soon and I would have continued to be nice if he hadn’t chosen to question my manhood in this – I don’t take that shit off of anyone and more so off of someone who, as he eagerly revealed, hadn’t been into this for more than three years. Really? I was taking dick in the ass and loving it before he was even born (and maybe his daddy hadn’t been born for all I know) and he was now going to lecture me about being man enough to be fucked even if I didn’t want to be fucked? My lifetime of experiences versus his still wet behind the ears, three years of OJT shit?
I got tired of being polite and told him that if we were to get together – and that wasn’t going to happen – and he got it in his head to try to fuck me, I would put him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, such as that would be. His response? “Oh, okay, well, later then…”
I know that being discerning just wasn’t in my vocabulary back in my youth but I’ve since learned the value of being this way. Yep, it severely cuts down on the chances to get some dick because there seem to be more assholes out there than ever before, thanks to the Internet and, oh, yeah, apps like the one I have that I still won’t get rid of even though I have had more than enough reason to delete – it’s a reminder to keep being discerning and discriminating in this and that while asshats like the one I just mentioned are all over the place, there are still men out there who think more with the big head than the little one… that and if I deleted the app, I wouldn’t have stuff to write about from time to time. It also serves a lesson to any newbies out there or more experienced guys that haven’t had any ‘bad’ experiences that while we should always revel in our duality, we should never become a slave to this part of it. We can feel the hunger for dick gnawing at us as if we’re being eaten alive by our own desires but we shouldn’t let them make us do something regrettable before, during, or after the fact.