There aren’t many things about having sex with men that make me uncomfortable but I’m about to go on yet another rant about gay porn. While checking my email accounts, I saw that the gay porn pay site sent me an email about their latest releases and I took a peek at it, you know, to get a look at some nice cocks. While this email didn’t flash me with any dick, what it did flash me with was something that, at the core of myself, makes me uncomfortable – scenes of men bound up by other men and taken sexually. I know it happens, just like I know there are guys who are very much into gay BDSM stuff and while I know that I don’t have the temperament to play those games, it’s the hidden message that makes me shiver at times and something that can make a straight man’s bowels get all loose and watery:
The thought of being dominated. Perhaps my discomfort is illogical because if you know anything about sex, someone’s the taker and someone is the “takee;” even if you agree to have a certain facet of sex with a guy, you’re still setting yourself up to be taken by the other man or even used by him for his own gratification. It’s that sense of losing one’s manhood that a lot of men find so disturbing, to be made to be someone’s bitch, and gay porn doesn’t really help dispel these feelings when they show big, strapping men being bound in leather and chains and totally helpless and at the mercy of the guy with the really big dick who’s getting ready to put it to good use. I can look at this with some clinical detachment because it creates a stereotype that I find unattractive and my curiosity works hard to make sense of such a thing, like, why does gay porn portray gay sex as something brutal? Getting all bound up and confined to a sex swing while getting my mouth and ass fucked isn’t my idea of having fun and watching scenes like this really gives me that “you’re my bitch, bitch!” feeling and more so when I know my mind doesn’t accept that being a bitch thing.
Yet, when I agree to have sex with a man and he’s having his way with me, isn’t that what’s happening? You do submit to whatever’s going on, accepting the classic feminine role in the sex when you’re on the receiving end, right? Right – there’s no escaping this fact, is there? So it’s easy to accept this in a real-life situation but gay porn, well, can take this to an extreme that can be bothersome.
Along with the guys all hooked up and restrained, the email had one flick about older men and younger guys… and the picture provided just screamed “predator” to me for a moment. Yep, I know there are young men out there looking for that “daddy” to punish them for being “bad” just as I know there are older guys who don’t enjoy sex with a man their own age, preferring someone who’s younger and, perhaps, more gullible and pliable. It’s another illogical response and more so since I’ve been both the younger guy and the older guy in my exploits; logic suggests that if this combo seems shady, then one should avoid being in that situation… but there’s nothing logical about this. On the real, age has never mattered and men, being opportunistic, will just indulge in their desires for this discrepancy in age – and because it’s such a taboo thing even when the younger guy is of legal age. So, logic again suggests that if I’ve been in this situation – and on either side of the age barrier – then seeing gay porn that highlights this shouldn’t bother me… but this particular pic did and having seen flicks in the old guy/young stud genre, well, I dunno, I guess that the fact that gay porn likes to showcase the predator/prey thing just has a way of fucking with me at times… and maybe because I know that real life is a lot more insidious when it comes to this.
Then I got to the part featuring twinks, you know, those guys who look like they’ve not yet reached puberty and could stand more than a few home-cooked meals. Again, I had that predator sense as my eyes took in the provided picture but due to their body type, there was another impression floating in the back of my mind that, for a moment, didn’t “allow” me to see men – it’s hard to put the feeling into words but I knew it made me frown. It had me searching my memories to see if I’d ever thrown down with a twinky kind of guy and, yeah, there were two memories: My Air Force roommate and the guy I fell in love with years later. I realized that the thing that bothered me about these two guys is that their body type went right along with their feminine personality and, well, shit, I know I didn’t get into it with them because they looked like starving waifs. Gay porn always put guys like this in a girly-kind of light and more so when they’re paired up with some muscle-bound, brutish type of guy.
I finished reading the email and eyeballing the flesh, shook myself out of that weird place, and deleted the email… but the thoughts it invoked stayed with me and I was “inspired” to write about how it made me feel because when I think about sex with other men, I just don’t think about gay sex in the way gay porn portrays it. On the one hand, I guess it speaks well of me that I don’t buy into the stereotypical shit, like gay sex has to be all rough and tumble or overly “feminine” or even see myself as an older guy with a taste for younger dick. For me, it’s about the person and where their head is more than having a particular taste, you know, like the BDSM thing I could never get into because someone would get seriously hurt – and I wouldn’t be the first one.
Ah, I can see Pyx reading this part and laughing her ass off…
If I had an objection to porn, it’s that it greatly exaggerates things; it creates disturbing stereotypes and, as such, can give men who are interested in this kind of sex the wrong impressions about what’s fun and desirable and what isn’t, like creating the belief that if you lie down with a man, you are expected and required to (1) do his bidding and (2) do all of the shit that can be done. It can put the “wrong” idea in a man’s mind, like the only way he can gain sexual satisfaction is to slake his lust on someone who appears to be harmless… or putting another man in a situation where he cannot resist or escape the power a man’s lust can bring to the table.
So why pay any attention to this? Because despite the hype gay porn presents, it’s a hard truth. While gay porn tries to cover “general” sexual themes, yeah, there are times when I’ve been aggressive and made another guy “my bitch” just like there have been times when I’ve been on the receiving end and have felt like a bitch; there have been times when I was young, tasty prey and where I was the old guy “taking advantage” of a younger guy trying to find his way along the path of man sex. It serves to give me a slap in the face when I see something that makes me frown or makes me feel uncomfortable because with the exception of the BDSM stuff, I’ve been there, done that, and have more T-shirts than I care to admit to – but it’s not as if I’ve never thought of what it would be like to make someone comply or being made to comply. It drives home the reality that, yeah, I’ve been ‘that guy’ and despite my mind’s attempts to protect me from that reality and defend my masculinity, such as it is. It’s like a bad car accident – you don’t want to see it but you can’t stop looking. It reminds me that I should not and cannot be hypocritical about this: I must be honest with myself about the things I’ve done and what I might do in some future moment.
You have to be able to see the sex for what it really is. It’s nice when we can romanticize it or otherwise convince ourselves that it isn’t what it really is; we’re not really being the other guy’s bitch; no one is forcing themselves onto us or otherwise treating us like a victim or as prey. And, yeah, when I strip away the veneer and take off the rose-colored glasses, yeah, it can make me a little uncomfortable… but without shame or regret. It reinforces something that, as bi men, we should be able to relate to, namely, what we put our women through when we have sex with them – this is a unique perspective that straight men cannot relate to because they’ve never had their face fucked good and hard nor have they experienced what it feels like to be fucked or otherwise taken for another man’s pleasure.
Gay porn, like straight porn, is art imitating life… but it’s still a reality that cannot be ignored even if makes us uncomfortable…