I got yet another email from the gay porn site about “high performance men” and while that notation kinda had me rolling my eyes, it was something said in the description that caught my attention, like how these guys are masculine and confident, aren’t arrogant (really?), and are comfortable with their sexuality. The, um, ‘models’ depicted didn’t invoke any interest in me other than a couple of them had nice boners… but the question popped into my head about why they just had to mention that the men they were talking about were masculine – and what message, if any, such an assertion says. In previous posts, I’ve talked about how I’ve noticed that a lot more men are getting into gay sex because it won’t affect their manliness, not as it was believed in the past. One could ask – and I did – whether or not the message is to men who happen to stumble upon this site and is telling them, “Hey, look, you can have sex with guys like this and not worry about losing your manhood!” One positive I took away from the ad was their use of the word, “confident,” because, sure enough, being confident in this aspect of sex (or sex period) is a good thing.
I guess the other message – if you wanna call it as such – was, “Hey, look! Here are some men that don’t look like flat-chested girls from the navel up! And they actually look like they eat real food, too – they’re not skinny!” That crossed my mind and I chuckled softly to myself and more so since under the ad for these high performance guys were a couple of skinny waifs… like the site somehow knows that these guys make me roll my eyes a lot so they keep sending ad with them in it. Yeah, I know – they’re really showing that they have something for every man’s tastes… but I even question this because in all the time I’ve been getting these emails, I’ve yet to see a ‘model’ I’d want to go to bed with; having a nice cock just isn’t a good enough reason.
Perhaps the ‘message’ was, “Fellas, okay, check this shit out – you don’t have to be effeminate to have this kind of sex!” I know that in the past, a lot of men used to harp on the fact that having sex with another man would somehow and instantly turn you into a limp-wristed, hip-swaying, parody of a woman. I ain’t gonna say that it doesn’t happen because some guys have found, upon their first experience, that they’re really gay – I’m just saying that you’re not gonna reach out and grab another man’s cock and immediately start doing your best Ru Paul impression.
Confidence. I asked myself, “Self? How does this really work? What exactly does this confidence consist of?” It was a pretty good question and part of the answer didn’t have anything to do with being confident of one’s ability to do things, like, being concerned about one’s cock sucking skills although I’ve heard men express a lack on confidence in their skill, i.e., “I’m not really good at this but I’ll do my best…” No, the deeper answer, methinks, is being confident and knowing that even though you’re getting ready to do something that’s morally unacceptable and full of more shit than a waste treatment plant, it’s not going to fuck with one’s core belief in themselves. This answer is actually a lot deeper than my humble words can say but it’s something I understand very well, just as I understand that one’s confidence in this can be rattled, shaken, and even destroyed under the right situation.
This confidence is somewhat different from, say, having doubts about whether or not having sex at this time or in this place or with this guy (or all of the above) is really a good thing to do. You have to be confident enough in your sexuality and desires to be able to say yes to the proposition even when you know that after the deal is made, there’s no telling how things are going to play out. I dug around in my memories and saw that in my cock-crazy days, if I had an inkling of confidence, I wasn’t aware of it – who has time to think about this when there’s a nice, hard dick to be sucked or a nice, soft ass to fuck? I know that at some point I had my confidence tested and severely so, so bad that not only did I think that getting with this guy was a bad idea, it was a bad idea to even think about doing things like this and I was shaken so badly that I couldn’t even finish taking my clothes off for him. I don’t remember what it was about the situation that spooked me… but I know I was a mere second away from chickening out – but he was a really decent guy, must have sensed that I was having a problem, and we talked for a while until I was confident enough to tell him that, yeah, we can do this now.
If nothing else, I got a taste of what I’d seen in other men who bailed out on the sex at the last moment; it’s that very weird thing where you know that you want to do this but at the moment of truth, your confidence decides to go wait in the car or otherwise vacate the premises. It’s a very sick feeling that reaches right into the core of you and to say that it doesn’t feel good is a gross understatement. Thus, confidence – at least in this context – is all about knowing that you can do this and without what I’d call crises of faith intervening and having to say to yourself, “I don’t think I can do this…” It had me wondering if Guilt, everyone’s worst enemy, is behind the scenes and fucking with one’s buttons; perhaps in the deep reaches of your consciousness, you know you don’t have any damned business letting this other guy fuck your ass or you’re fucking his, sucking cock or being sucked and Guilt, being the cunt-blocking bastard he can be – picks just the right moment to grab your confidence in your sexuality and give it a good hard shaking.
When I think about it like this, yeah, I’ve had my confidence shaken quite a few times and only a great effort of will has kept me from falling apart at the seams; I’ve had to ensure myself that if I couldn’t do this, I wouldn’t have wanted to do it in the first place and other such quick confidence boosters. And I suppose it happens to all of us who engage in sex like this although frequency of such events are unknown; I just figure that if it’s happened to me, it’s probably happened to a lot of other guys, too… but I could be wrong.
I have, at times, incorrectly stated that all that’s required to do this is the desire to do it and that I’m going to have to revise that statement and include the word “confident” because desire alone will not get one through any of this… and I realize that the reason I’ve said it like that is because the confidence required is implied, like, you can’t have one without the other being in place as well. I’ve slapped myself hard on the wrists for being so imprecise and offer up apologies where needed and required.
In any event, I found the wording of the ad rather pointed and not as much aimed at gay or bi men who are used to throwing down like this but maybe at the guys who are thinking about it but aren’t so confident about their ability to do this and remain as masculine as he believes himself to be. Perhaps the people who created the ad knows, through some means, that there are more men who want to straddle the line between straight and gay and this is their way, again, of telling them that, sure, it’s okay to suck that dick and then take it in ass – and still be 100% masculine. Then I think real-world and, specifically, the conversation Assentively Yours and I had about wanting to be in the feminine/submissive role when having sex with a man – being a bottom. Would this ad give guys who prefer and enjoy being the one doing all the pleasing an affirmation that they can assume this rather controversial role and still feel and be confidently masculine? Would it say to a bottom that, dude, you can have just as much fun being a top or versatile if you have the confidence in yourself?
Hmm, I don’t know about that one and one can only assume that is possible in theory; I don’t know any tops who have decided to be solely bottoms or bottoms who have decided that being a top is more their speed; it’s as if men get into one of these three roles and just stay put… and perhaps because they have the confidence to stay put. Where am I going with all of this? Fuck if I know – it was on my mind so I wrote about it…