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Just Don’t Want to be Lonely

01 May

Enigma wrote a blog – http://peaceinwords.wordpress.com/2014/05/01/oh-side-chicks/ that referenced this blog – http://lakeshawomack.com/2014/04/29/is-there-a-future-in-being-a-side-chick/ and, of course, I commented on it but felt that taking over Enigma’s blog with a seriously too long comment was just being rude – so I decided to monopolize my own blog on the subject and a subject that I think is good as much as it is controversial… and y’all know I kinda like controversy.

So the title of this blog was borrowed from a song by the same name, done by The Main Ingredient back in the day and if you’ve never heard the song, go find it and give it a listen; if you have heard it, then you have an idea why I think the song is relevant (or could be) on the topic of being a side chick.  To begin, I want any woman reading this to know and understand that I am very much aware of what a lot of you think, believe, and feel where relationships are concerned and that being monogamous is the only way to be… and I’m here to tell you that this isn’t actually the truth – it’s just the way someone a long time ago figured out would be the best way to keep the human race going; then someone came along and put a shitload of restrictions in place in order to control sexual behavior, not that it really worked, but y’all already know this.

The following quote, courtesy of http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com says, “By being the “side chick” I was putting myself front and center in the middle of someone else’s pain and setting myself up to play a starring role in my own.” and my first reaction to this – because when you see the blog, it’s the first thing that catches your eye – was, “Oh, really?” because I’m well aware that it has been pounded into us that being monogamous is the only way to be and to do anything is, well, wrong and bad.  Indeed, we have this in mind because we’re taught that cheating is bad and that there have been plenty of examples where being the side chick – or even the side dude – has gone terribly wrong so, yeah, we have it in our heads that this is a bad thing to do and should never, ever, be done for any reason.

Women have big time issues with this and even here on WordPress, I’ve read blogs by women who can’t get and/or keep a man, feel as if they’re being used as a piece of ass and that getting involved with a married man erodes their integrity and threatens their self-respect.  I’ve read about them swearing off of dating and even giving up any hope of finding someone they can call their own because their belief in monogamy will not allow them to be someone’s side chick.  There’s a saying:  It’s better to have part of something than all of nothing and, like it or not, there is some truth in this depending on what you’re applying the saying to… and it includes relationships as well if one can get their head around it and since a lot of women can’t, they’d rather believe that it’s better to have all of nothing even as they ponder the fact that they are all alone, unwanted, and unloved.

I get that women, in particular, have great angst about sharing and being shared; I even think I know why and the answer is rooted in our sexual history – sperm is plentiful, but eggs aren’t and women are put into the position of protecting their eggs and not allowing just any man to have access to them – part of that whole natural selection thing that is still in effect today and probably always will be if we want to keep having babies.  But when it comes to love and happiness, monogamy isn’t always the perfect answer and even when we know this to be true, we continue to put our faith in a system of behavior that really doesn’t work the way we’re told it does – not everyone lives happily ever after being monogamous.

One could look at being the side chick as reaping all of the benefits but without any of the other responsibilities and the questions that pops into my head is, “Well, what if girlfriend can’t handle the responsibilities?  What if she doesn’t want to deal with that mess at all?  If she’s someone’s side piece – or has one of her own – is that necessarily a bad thing and more so if she’s happy?”  The truth is that there are a lot of women who are quite happy in this – and you can find them here on WordPress, too, so you don’t just have to take my word on this.  It’s really polyamory, a relationship state that we’re all capable of but are conditioned not to engage in.  It’s cheating, it’s denigrating, it just goes against everything we’ve learned and have seen… yet a lot of women are not only looking at polyamory to find that piece of happiness in their lives, they’re very much into it because they believe that it is better to have part of something than to have all of nothing or “Why be alone and miserable when you don’t have to?

Sure, there are pitfalls even in this:  No relationship strategy is perfect, not even being single.  There are so many pitfalls that it’ll make you think that it just isn’t possible… but it is – go ask Seattle Poly Chick and Lifeofalovergirl.  Of course, I’m not even suggesting that all the lonely women out there run out and jump into this relationship aspect – you have really got to have your head in an entirely different space and there are other skills that must be learned in order to make being a side chick a good thing instead of the bad thing everyone says it is.

Is it immoral?  They say it is since it spits in the face of monogamy but is it really immoral and more so since humans used to live like this before the concept of monogamy came along?  Is it bad for a woman’s self-image, their self-worth, things like that?  It can be if they believe this to be so and can be compounded if she’s been the chick on the side and the other person just basically screwed them over – which is what usually happens because, again, not everyone knows how to do this and what it takes to do it; not everyone wants to go through the mental exercises and change that is necessary to be a part of something and be happy in that part.  At some point, the women who have done this and made it work for them asked themselves an important question:  “What is the price of my happiness?”  And a lot of women do put a very high price on it, placing their integrity far above their desire and need to be loved, happy, and needed – and it’s understandable… but even I have asked, “What are you willing to do for love?  Would you really do anything to achieve that desirable goal?”

Usually, the answer is no… and they still wonder why they don’t have anyone in their lives.  There’s nothing wrong with sitting on their cute asses and waiting for Mr. Right to come along… but where is it written that you can’t have some fun while you’re waiting?  Why would you want to be alone and miserable when you don’t have to do either… but you’re gonna let your belief in monogamy control things instead of applying some logic or even following one’s heart.  What’s wrong with getting your own side piece?  Not one damn thing but as with any relationship, one must weigh the pros and cons and have a plan – one of the skills that has to be learned and mastered is time management.

You need exceptional communication and conflict resolution skills and if all of this sounds too much like work, well, it is – do you think any relationship is self-sustaining.  If you wonder why relationships often fail, it’s because the people in them don’t have these skills and, importantly, they don’t know how to work with each other because, most of the time, there are separate agendas – she has one idea of how the relationship is supposed to be and the other person just ain’t on the same page with them.  Being the chick on the side – or the dude on the side (and I’ve been that guy a few times) takes work to make it work… but you have to want it to work.

What about someone else’s pain?  Unless you plan well and choose to deal with people who also believe that monogamy ain’t the only answer to happiness, yeah, you’re gonna cause someone some pain because their monogamous rules against cheating are firmly in place, right?  So it’s not about just accepting any offer that comes along – it’s about selecting the right offer or creating your own environment for this and, yep, there’s a shitload of homework that needs to be done and everyone involve must be appropriately educated.  If you do this, is it settling for less than what you want?  Some say it is but the truth few people want to acknowledge is that there’s what you want to do in this… and then there’s what you can do and they are not the same thing – nor should they be, when you really think about this.  And if you believe that you can’t do it, um, aren’t you settling for the worst possible situation – being alone and having no one?

What about your own pain?  Well, what about it?  What is it that would make this be so painful?  How does this fuck with your self-esteem or your self-image?  The only way it does is if you allow it to because being a successful side chick or side dude can be done and with little or no emotional impact to anyone… provided one wants to be successful in this; I’m just saying that it is possible – I’ve been there, done that – wanna see my T-shirt?

Enigma said that she’s been propositioned by individuals who want to be her side piece… and I say to her, “Why the hell not?  If you can be happy, go for it!”  Why do I say this?  Simple:  Because she can.  I’d even go as far to say that if she’s been so propositioned, she’s giving it some thought and along the lines of, “How can I make this work for me?”  I’d go even farther and say that at some level, she knows or understands that monogamy isn’t always the answer nor is it always the best way to take care of one’s needs and that, perhaps, she’s aware that she could do this and make it work – even if she doesn’t know that a plan is forming in her mind.  Should Enigma do the unthinkable?  Many people would say she shouldn’t… but aren’t we talking about Enigma’s happiness.. and who the fuck are we to decide for her  on the matter of what would make her happy?  Is she in charge of this… or is the high ideals of monogamy going to forever dictate to her how she can be happy, not to mention all of the people who, honestly, may not have what it takes to make such a thing work.

And the only way to know that it won’t work for you is to do it… but you still have to have your head in the right place because if you go into this think that it won’t work, that quote I mentioned becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, doesn’t it?  By not having your head in the right place – or just flat-out being unable to get it there – you’ve already set yourself up to fail because while careful planning and some re-education is necessary, if you don’t believe it’ll work, it just won’t.

For the record – and before I forget – side pieces don’t have to already be married – single folks can be their own side pieces as well.  Does it seem right or justifiable to reap all the benefits and slide past the responsibilities?  Well, yeah, if doing so suits your needs and the needs of anyone you’d relate with in this fashion.  Yet – and I gotta tell you this part – you don’t really escape the responsibilities – you still have to manage the relationship just as you would if both people were single.  And the benefits, such as they are, can go beyond just love and affection; in some situations, having side pieces can have some financial benefits because many hand make short work or, the more people working on a thing makes the work easier… but one must avoid “too many chiefs and not enough Indians,” a situation that will guarantee failure.

If you really and truly don’t want to be lonely, why not do something about it?  Because you can do something about it if you’re bold and daring enough and if you don’t put a price on your happiness.  The author of the blog Enigma shared, from a certain point of view, is right in what she says about being a side chick or even a side dude… she’s just not totally right, just one of many other people who believe that not being monogamous is a bad and dangerous thing.  Is there a future in being a side chick?  Yes… if you’re willing to make your future and not let ancient thinking decide that for you – it’s your choice.

I don’t expect anyone to agree with my assessment or take on this; I admit that I have a very different mindset about this; I know that happiness can be found, that one can have a future if they’re willing and able to change the way they see life and loving.  I was once so totally against this kind of thing – I believed just like everyone else does.  Monogamy can work – there are many examples of this but, still, monogamy isn’t the only answer and if that’s not been working for you, why not give some thought to the alternative.  If being a side piece can fulfill your needs, why not go for it?  If having a side piece is going to fill those empty places inside of you, why not do something that will bring you happiness, love, affection, etc.?  Is it easy?  Fuck, no, it ain’t.

But it is doable.  I did it.  Many fellow WordPress bloggers are doing it.  Rougedmount considers it all of the time – and she’s all about her duty to her family first and foremost and even as dedicated to the tenets of monogamy as she is, she’d be a side piece or take one herself if it suited her purpose.  These are all real people; it’s not just my take on the subject so if nothing else, you know that I’m not the only one who thinks this could be a good idea instead of the nightmare everyone says it can be.

What price do you put on your happiness?  Do you really just want to be lonely?  Does your pride rule over your intellect, logic, and common sense?  Are you that willing to sit and wait for something to come along that may never appear?  Do you continue to believe that monogamy is the answer when your situation is telling you otherwise?  Are you not getting all you want and need out of your monogamous relationship?  Or is suffering something you enjoy?

Now I can get back to my original thoughts of the day…

 
4 Comments

Posted by on 1 May 2014 in Life, Living and Loving

 

Tags: , , ,

4 responses to “Just Don’t Want to be Lonely

  1. ellendolfan

    2 May 2014 at 16:33

    When I was 24 and single, I was the side piece. I started it because I was horny and he was there. It continued for several months. But I was only in it for the sex. I never had any strong emotional attachement, so when I moved, I didn’t feel sad. My biggest regret was knowing that I caused him to cheat on his wife. I don’t think he had ever done that before me.
    Now, in my present situation, I am the side piece and he is my side piece. My both love each, but love someone else more. And it isn’t technically a physical realtionship either.
    I keep asking myself when I don’t just break off contact, and move on. The answer is because I do love him. I just want him in my life in whatever way he can be in it. My relationship with him has caused problems in my marriage, but I’m dealing with them.
    I don’t think I’ll ever be able to completely cut him out of my life. I do love him, and his friendship is important to me.
    Sexually I am monogamous, but emotionally, I am in love with two men. It’s complicated on so many levels.

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    • kdaddy23

      2 May 2014 at 17:51

      There’s a reason why we’re told never to love more than one person at a time; it’s not because it can’t be done – it’s because it is horribly complicated and, as I learned, it takes a rather unique mindset for someone not to get their knickers in a bunch because they feel the way they do about, say, a husband and a friend or lover. One part of you says that you need to let the other person you love go… while an even bigger part says, “Oh, fuck that! I love being in love with them!” It always feels fucked up because we’re taught that it’s wrong – it’s emotional cheating on a spouse… but morality and monogamy requires us to forget that we have a deeper capacity and ability to love more than one; it stunts and stifles us and more so when you realize that there’s no such thing as being loved too much or loving too much.

      I always point out that when we’re growing up, we are, in fact, taught to love more than one person: Parents, siblings, other family members, and even childhood friends… but when we get to the age where we start dating, the rules suddenly change and now you’re told, again, to never fall in love with more than one person… even when it does happen and, no, it might not even be sexual. You feel the love for the other person but your conditioning kicks in and tells you not to love them… and now a conflict occurs and usually ends badly – I’ve seen some of the emotional damage some folks have suffered because of this and it wasn’t pretty for them.

      But if you’re able to shake off that conditioning and use your intellect to figure out how you can love more than one person – and in whatever way you want to d that – I believe that it actually takes a lot of emotional pressure and stress off of one’s shoulders because you’re no longer fighting against the conditioning. Yes, people who try this do fuck it up – but that’s because no one teaches how to do this; they lack the open-mindedness, the communication skills, and the conflict resolution skills necessary. They fuck it up because their spouse/partner/whatever is still immersed in the rules of monogamy so they’re not likely to see this more liberated point of view; they won’t understand that they’re not losing anything or being deprived of your love and affections and that if you’re free to do this, well, that makes you happier and what makes you happier is a benefit to your partner and family (if you have kids).

      Personally, I give you major props for being brave and daring enough to go where most people are afraid to tread; like I said, I know how complicated it can be ’cause I’ve been there. I’ve been the side piece a few times and I’ve been in a loving relationship with three women at the same time and we all interacted with each other… for over 25 years. I’m monogamous now… but deep down inside, I can’t stand it because it’s so emotionally stifling but, well, we do what we gotta do. So I’m all for side pieces or poly partners or whatever you wanna call it… but I also tell people that if they don’t think they can handle it, don’t even try to do it.

      And you obvious can and despite the problems this has caused.

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      • ellendolfan

        2 May 2014 at 22:17

        I keep telling myself I’m going to end it, but I honestly can’t. Part of the reason is because I’m really his only friend, and he sort of depends on me. And mainly because I don’t want it to end. I enjoy talking to him. I’ve never met him in person, so my husband can coexist with him in my life. But it still does cause conflict.

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      • kdaddy23

        3 May 2014 at 00:44

        While I don’t know the specifics of your conflict, the one thing I realized when I got bitch-slapped out of monogamy is that conflict is always standing in the shadows, waiting to strike and if it can, turn your whole life upside down. I learned to be aware of conflict, developed the skills to not only resolve “external” conflicts but also to deal with the ones going on inside of me, mainly the thing that one part of me said that this was wrong and the other part was doing a major fist-pump to have been free of monogamy’s bonds… kinda… because through it all duty still had to be done.

        In this, Ellen, you always hope for the best – but expect the worst. Figure out a way to resolve whatever conflicts are taking place and if you can’t make them totally go away, find a way to minimize them – and don’t look for problems where they don’t exist. The “simple” version of all of this is to just relax and go with the flow of things. A woman I fell madly and permanently in love with once told that that it’s not that this happens – it’s what you do about it that matter the most… and the only thing you should do is accept that this is how you feel; the doing, if needed, will take care of itself.

        I think it took me a week to fully assimilate and integrate what she said to me. We fell in love before we even met and in the moment we first love, our fates were sealed. We tried to deny our feelings, often talking about duty to our respective families and spouses and that we should not and cannot let anything happen to ruin things… even though we also knew that, in the words of the Borg, “Resistance is futile.” Ellen, we really and seriously tried to not let things go where we knew that had to go… and we failed and, as she said after we made love for the very first time, we failed gloriously.

        And still, the words were: Just accept it. She was conflicted; she loved her husband and her family… but she loved me as well and she broke things off several times because this just scared the shit out of her. And I knew each time that we had to stop… and we couldn’t. Finally, one day, she called me after breaking it off for like the fourth time and telling me that we could never speak to each other again. It hurt like nothing I’d ever felt before – but I knew she was right… yet, she called me in tears, telling me that even though she knew she had to let me go, she couldn’t and she wasn’t going to.

        She taught me the true meaning of being in love, that even when you’re not supposed to love someone else, fighting against it isn’t a good thing. Things didn’t happen with intent to hurt our spouses; I admired her husband and more so since we worked together. Likewise, she adored my wife and while we agreed that we couldn’t let our love become destructive, we just had to go with it and to whatever conclusion came about. We eventually agreed to part ways because it was really getting dangerous for both of us. But the love? We still love each other and are still good friends. She eventually told her husband and, funny enough, he knew that she was in love with me – and never faulted her for it – I was floored when she told me that. I eventually told my wife and, uh-huh, she knew I was in love with her – and life went on.

        It was my relationship with her that proved to me that I could love more than one person and how to manage such an illicit love, setting the stage for a twenty-year poly relationship with my wife and our girlfriends. And conflict was still hanging around, jumping in there and not only testing our love for each other but really testing my ability to manage the relationship. I just learned to deal with it and understand that in any relationship, conflict is going to be in the picture and to deal with it the best way I could. It’s not easy, Ellen, but it can be done and done well… but you have to want it to go well and remain solidly positive even as conflict is poking you in the ribs and trying to get your attention.

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