So, Very Early This Morning…

04 May

I opened a new post just after midnight, my head full of stuff I wanted to write about relationships and sexuality – and thanks to nice blogs written by Enigma and Ellendolfan… and my mind overloaded and shut down before I could finish the first paragraph.  I stared at the screen as if I had no idea what I was doing and that’s probably because I didn’t have an idea of what I was doing – but that’s because the overload pretty much made my brain reboot because both relationships and sexuality are some really complex things when you put them together as I was attempting to do – then the breaker tripped.

As my brain went through its POST (Power On Self Test) and information started flowing the way it’s supposed to, it struck me that on one hand, these two things – and along with sex – isn’t all that hard to figure out – at least the theory of it all isn’t and there are several “templates” that can be used to make everything come together successfully and, yes, the pun is intended.  But just all theories, when it’s time to put them to the test, the results are all over the place and we wind up spending a good part of our lives trying to patch things together so that by the time we shuffle off this mortal coil, we can at least say that we had some kind of life and one that truly defined us.

Even now, as I try to get my thoughts and impressions together about this, I can feel my brain starting to load up… but there’s one overriding question that I’ve yet to get a good answer to:  Why do we make these things harder than they need to be?  Next question:  Why can’t we see the simplicity that can be applied until we’ve gotten much older?  That one’s kinda easy to answer… sort of.  We actually don’t learn about these things until they’re staring us in the face and then we have to rely on our experiences and, as we all know, experience can be a harsh teacher.  Even if we learn some basic concepts, like, don’t have sex until you’re an adult, sex is only supposed to be between a man and a woman, and it’s better to be monogamous than it is to find yourself in love with someone other than the person you’re already in love with, some of us find that these basic concepts are flawed or, at best, they apply to everyone else – but not to ourselves.

Enigma wrote about the importance of sex, both in and out of a relationship (, while Ellen wrote about the complexities of being both bisexual and physically/sexually monogamous but not so much emotionally (, two different dynamics that can often and invariably find themselves locked together in a horribly complex dance as we try to find those things which makes us the happiest and gives us physical and emotional succor.  And it seemed to me that these can be universal issues, that is, these things can and will affect us and regardless to sex, age, gender, race, so on and so forth – they’re “problems” we can all run into at some point in our lives and, just as important, even when the rules we try to live by say that such things should never happen.

Some of us actually figure this out and dare to ask the question, “Well, why can’t we do whatever’s gonna make us happy?” – and when we get the answer, “Because you’re not supposed to break the rules…,” we respond with, “Fuck the rules!”  and step out of the box in our pursuit of happiness even though it may initially feel “wrong” for us to do so.  I liken this to being grounded but you find a way to sneak out of the house and you’ve even concocted an excuse for breaking the rules if and when you get caught.

That’s about the time when we start to learn that breaking the rules and stepping out of rooms that were previously meant to keep us locked in isn’t as easy as we thought or hoped it would be and that, sometimes, it’s even harder than we can imagine, not because we’re not intelligent enough to figure things out but because the people around us may or may not want to be on the same page with us since everyone has their own agenda where the pursuit of any happiness is concerned.  Things can get to be so overwhelmingly complicated that it makes us not want to have sex or it puts us into a major quandary over whether or not we have any right to feel the way we do about someone else and more so when we’ve vowed to keep only unto ourselves until death do us part.

The pressures can be so great that we do pretty much what my brain did very early this morning:  Just shut down because of an overload and then we wind up stopping whatever it was we were doing that, at one point, was making us happy.  We wind up shaming ourselves in this because, say, we like or love sex but when we find that we’re having “too much sex” or “sex for the wrong reason,” we just shut it down… and then spend an inordinate amount of time trying to justify why we should go back to having sex… and why we should continue to go without something we know is integral to our existence as it benefits both our physical and emotional health.  We give up on loving and being loved – even if it’s purely emotional – because we know the rules say that we can only love one person at a time and when we’re married, we are forbidden to love anyone else for any reason so we succumb to the rules’ grip on us because this is so wrong… but it also feels so damned right.

Then we’re trying to figure out just what went wrong and trying to determine if we even want to be bothered with fixing it because the effort it would take to fix things and get back to being happy in the way you want to be happy is prodigious and even risky to mind and perhaps even body – it is seriously just too much work and, often, many of us decide to just stay put and go without love and sex and even forsake seeking another relationship.  It’s weird:  We don’t want to do the work or break the rules but, at the same time, we’re all too willing to settle for less than what we’re capable of having – and then bitch and moan about how unhappy we are in our present state… when it is, in fact, within our powers and abilities to do something about it.

It makes you wonder which thing is better, playing by the rules and hope that happiness finds you… or doing whatever’s necessary to create the environment that is going to make you happy, like deciding not to be straight, to have a side piece or be a side piece even if you’re married to someone who you truly love – and then because love, all by itself, knows no limits, has no boundaries except the ones we artificially create.  We should be able to – and without any shame or outside peer pressure – love who we want, fuck whenever, however, and whoever we want and simply because we can and it’s in our nature and we can legally consent to engage in these things; we should be able to please ourselves via masturbation and to relate with as many people as we need to make us feel loved, wanted and worthy; we should be able to be bisexual or gay or lesbian or whatever non-straight thing we want to be and without having to be ridiculed and made to feel inferior privately or in the kangaroo court of public opinion.

This is our life; we only get one so doesn’t it make sense to be able to get all you can out of it and while you’re able to get yours?  In any of this, I’m not even saying that living within the rules is a bad thing or that it doesn’t work for everyone because it does… but if it’s not working for you, why won’t you do something about it?  Are you really all that hyped to do what everyone else expects you to do, to be the way others expect you to be?  Are you that willing to deny yourself the pleasures you know you need to make you feel the way you want to feel and because you’re so afraid of how others will see you, what they’re going to say about you, like, you’re a slut or a cheater and other derogatory descriptors applied to those who chose not to play by the rules that confine them, that stifles them, that inhibits their growth as a person and only serves to enslave them and make them miserable because they are not truly free to live their life the way they want to?

Are we truly just cattle?  Are we lemmings?  Are we really that afraid of what we can be if we were free to do so?  These are the questions and situations that totally locked up my thoughts very early this morning because, yeah, it’s a lot to think about and a lot to try to make sense of.  Enigma should have not been made to be celibate for those eight months because of something someone else did to her emotions; she should have been ready, willing, and able to have sex when she went back to dating – yet, she wasn’t.  Ellen shouldn’t be conflicted about loving her husband and being faithful to him even though she’s emotionally in love with someone else and being bisexual; she should have to be made to give up the things that make her happy, the things that gives her purpose as a woman, the things that give her the confidence to break out of her shell and be the person she want to be.  Yet, she is.

Rougedmount should be able to be totally dedicated to her husband and family… but also be able to get her brains fucked out by the biggest dicks she can find because if her husband ain’t gonna do it, someone has to because her mental health is at stake, her emotional health is at stake and being unable to get the physical release she needs is putting so much stress on her that other health issues could crop up.  But she can’t.

And even if they or anyone has to bend or break the rules, you can have your cake and eat it, too; you can love who you want and as many as you can manage; you can fuck when you like and who you want to and for whatever reason will get you laid… but only if you’re willing to stand in there and adjust the rules as they need to be.

I’m out – the breaker’s about to trip again but I’m glad I got this out of my head and thanks to Enigma and Ellendolfan for the inspiration for this writing.


Posted by on 4 May 2014 in Life, Living and Loving


Tags: , , , ,

6 responses to “So, Very Early This Morning…

  1. ellendolfan

    4 May 2014 at 19:51

    My life is a confusing mess. I love my husband, I even love my online guy/side piece/boyfriend, and now I have been having conversations with a lesbian who is obviously flirting with me. Life used to be simple, but it is anything but now. I have emotions I never knew existed. Accepting that I can love more than one person has changed me. Accepting that I can also love a woman has changed me. I can’t really act on either of those things because I am committed to my husband, so there lies the conflicts. I just have to accept the joy I can have, and hope the yearnings don’t become strong enough to be destructive.


    • kdaddy23

      4 May 2014 at 20:05

      But you don’t have to act if you can’t and that’s probably a good thing; it gives you the chance to sort it all out and make it fit into your life. This writing of mine says you should be able to feel what you need to feel and not be punished by it, that’s all.


      • ellendolfan

        4 May 2014 at 20:35

        How do you make chaos make sense? I’m grateful my husband doesn’t forbid me to have contact with J. I hate to say it, but I’d have to do it anyway and I don’t want to be that dishonest.
        I don’t want any of this. I never wanted to fall in love with someone else. I’m treading into dangerous territory talking to the lesbian. It’s fun flirting with her. Thankfully she isn’t in the next state over, so I don’t have to worry about a physical temptation.
        I had a major blow up with J last night. He was jealous because I went to my male friend’s house at 1am to get high. He was also jealous when I told him that I was talking to the lesbian. I think the dynamics have changed. I think we have moved back into friendship only territory. I still want to meet him, just to get to know him. But I think the desire for sex is pretty much gone. Notice I say “think”. I have thought that before, and been sucked back into the vortex of desire.
        I wish emotions weren’t so complicated. I wish I had never discovered the ability to love so much. But at the same time, I’m grateful it happened. It has made me a better person. It taught me that you can love someone, but know that you can never be with that person. It taught me that every love story is not a fairy tale. Love doesn’t conquer all, but it sure as hell makes for an interesting ride.


      • kdaddy23

        4 May 2014 at 21:03

        Indeed it does make for an interesting ride! You make chaos make sense the same way you eat an elephant: One bite at a time. In this you take small, careful steps, Ellen.

        Sadly, emotions are complicated, even when you love just one person. You hate this, but it’s made you a better person so is say you are on the right path because any of this is about making you a better person and not relying on someone else to make you better – just my two cents worth.


  2. larryarcher

    4 May 2014 at 21:37

    Fuck that’s pretty deep. So you’re more than just a pretty face! Glad someone is thinking today!


    • kdaddy23

      4 May 2014 at 23:01

      Yeah, I’ve been known to think on occasion…



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