Okay, I just had to write something about this because it had me laughing. My sweetheart, Linda, got us a couple of body pillows to help us sleep better at night and I’m learning that it takes some doing trying to figure out how to cozy up with a 54″ pillow, beginning with my trying to figure out how I was going to get into the bed and under the covers with an object that’s close to being as long as I am tall.
I stood there just looking at it, all nice and secure in its royal blue pillowcase and I said into the darkness of the room, “How the fuck am I supposed to do this?” Wait, it gets better. I suppose that like most people, I have a “set” routine for going to bed. I plug in my tablet and iPad, arrange my Skullcandy ear buds next to my pillow to make it easier to get my hands on them later; I get my pillows arranged, get my comforter opened and laid out and into bed I go… except now I gotta figure out what the fuck to do with this body pillow. I managed to do my routine and get in the bed by just folding the pillow in half; I climb into bed… and almost burst out laughing (that would have been very bad since Linda was already asleep) because the pillow unfolded… and now it’s lying between my legs as if it’s getting ready to fuck me.
Now I’m trying to pull the covers up around me and this pillow and trying to get settled by spooning the pillow… kind of. I’ve got it between my legs – and it does align everything rather nicely, I must admit… but the laughter threatened to boil out of me because I couldn’t get the image of having sex with the pillow out of my head – I just couldn’t! So I’m lying on my left side, my legs are all entwined with the pillow and now I’m trying to get my arms situated around this pillow; I figured out the night before that if I put the pillow in a sleeper hold, yeah, that works; it somehow keeps my shoulders and head aligned… but now I can’t get the image out of my head that me and this pillow are now having a fight.
Linda is sleeping soundly with her pillow… and I can’t stand it because she’s figured this thing out and then it gets better. After I’ve gotten all intimate with my pillow and have choked it into submission, I gotta pee and now I gotta figure out how to disengage myself from the covers and the pillow and without disturbing Linda in the process. I figured that if I roll over onto my back and take the pillow with me, then I can slide from under it… but as I do this, damn, it’s like the pillow is making a nighttime booty call on me. I finally get up and hit the bathroom… and when I come back to bed, well, the pillow makes it look as if someone’s in the bed with Linda and I bite my bottom lip as all kinds of funny images race through my mind.
Another round of tussling with the pillow and, I swear, if you could have seen me getting all rearranged, you’d swear I was fucking the shit out of the pillow and, yeah, now I’m trying not to start laughing out loud because I thought, “Damn, I hope this thing doesn’t give me a hard-on…” It didn’t, though, and I settle in to read a couple of pages of the ebook I’m reading – I’ve never been one of those people who can get into bed and go right to sleep unless I’m sick or seriously tired and I can’t stand it that Linda can get in bed and be asleep two seconds later. I read the two pages, set the tablet aside, then plug in my ear buds so I can either listen to some music or an audiobook whose author’s voice will eventually put me to sleep.
But I don’t quite have my shoulders lined up right and my left shoulder is letting me know how unhappy it is – so I gotta turn over. This is already funny; my first night with this pillow was just fucking hilarious as I tried to move it when I moved… and not wind up hitting Linda with it; I really don’t know how I managed to sleep that first night – or last night, for that matter – because I have to be aware of my movements more than usual and then, when I move, make sure my pillow goes with me. Now I’m lying on my right shoulder and it’s okay and my left shoulder has stopped bitching at me. I’m spooning the shit out of this pillow and so much that I’m probably gonna have to take it to dinner or something because I’m all to aware that while I’m trying to get my legs situated around the pillow, yeah, it looks like I’m humping the shit out of it… and I bite my lip again with the hopes that I’m not going to bust out with some hysterical laughter because I’m also thinking that since I gotta get so intimate with this pillow, I might as well give it a name while I’m at it.
I think the only thing that would have made this ‘worse’ is if I had awakened and found the pillow under me. I know – or hope – that, eventually, I’ll get used to sleeping with the body pillow and it’ll happen without me winding up asking it, “Was it good for you?”