I was just ‘reminded’ of something that, as a bi guy, I either haven’t done or don’t remember ever doing: I’ve never dated a guy. The reason I bring this up is that I just read a blog written by someone (http://aetherbloom.wordpress.com/2014/05/08/going-both-ways/) who talked about how a person can’t be validated as being bisexual if they’ve never dated someone of their own gender – and for the purpose of this discussion, I’m talking about the gender binary; those folks who consider themselves outside of the binary, while respected, just confuse the issue at hand.
I’ve slept with men, even had a loving relationship with one… but I’ve never asked a guy out on a date, not in the sense I believe most people think of dating; I don’t think asking a guy if he’d want to go grab lunch or a cup of Joe so we can discuss, say, server configurations and without being bothered counts as a date. The question that comes to my mind is why is dating being used as a validation method for bisexuals? Is it assumed that if we like the same sex, we have to date the same sex? What, if anything, does dating have to do with anything? If I’m out and about and bump into a guy who then turns around and asks me if I’d like to go somewhere and have sex with him, is that a date?
What, you can’t take my word that I’m bisexual and that I am now required to do something to prove it? I do remember, years ago, some guy tried to tell me that I couldn’t possibly be bisexual and I said to him that if he required proof, all he had to do was whip out his dick and I’d be happy to clear the matter up… which he wasn’t all that eager to do, of course. What gets me, in moments like this, that even if I can provide proof of my bisexuality – like tell the doubter about all the pussy and dick I’ve had to date, stuff like that – why does the fact that I’ve had more pussy than dick seem to translate into, “Well, you could really be gay…?” And if I had to date a guy in order to validate my sexuality to anyone – including myself – well, I’d be shit out of luck because I cannot honestly say that I’ve ever run across a man I would just love to date nor do I feel compelled in any way to date a guy, even if he were gay – and I say this without any insult meant to gay men.
I would suppose that dating has a purpose other than simply two people getting together and doing something (even if it isn’t sexual); it could be that my idea of dating and the generally accepted idea aren’t the same thing… or even close to it. To me, dating these days has an intent; it’s like an interview for someone and with the possibility of further courtship that could lead to a relationship; it’s made me ask, “Don’t people just date because it’s something to do on a Friday night?” What I’ve been reading over the last couple of years says that the answer to my question is, “No, they don’t…” like ‘dating’ and just ‘going out’ are, in fact, two very different things. Even if it is, do I have to date “Carl” in order to validate my bisexuality? Does it matter to anyone other than me that while I might be very interested in getting into “Carl’s” boxers, um, the thought of doing anything other than that isn’t on my list of things to do? So, okay, I hit on “Carl” and he’s interested and we go somewhere, drain each other’s nuts dry, then go about our business; was that a date or merely a booty call? If we decide to hook up again for more of the same, what makes this a dat? – does stopping at McDonald’s for a quick bite before we suck each other off make it a date? Hell, if we skip the burger and fries and just handle the business, does that still count as a date?
Even better, um, wouldn’t the fact that Carl and I went after each other’s dick like starving men serve as enough proof of our sexuality when we could have been at home or otherwise with a woman? You’d think it would but, no, there are those who are insisting that if I’m not “dating” Carl, then I can’t be bisexual. This assumes that all bisexuals have that emotional affinity, that thing that wants to make us date people and with the purpose of romance and possibly a relationship; if you date, it’s for a mate. Personally, I think using dating as an indicator/validation point is flawed and imprecise because, duh, a lot of bisexuals would rather have latrine duty than to actually go out and date/court someone who’s the same sex as they are – but I’m not saying that there aren’t bisexuals who do, in fact, date like this – I’m just not one of them and, no, I’m not alone in this mindset.
But maybe there are those who believe or have been made to believe that a lack of dating invalidates things? I’ve read too many times where people have spoken about their feelings about bisexuality and have said while they don’t have any real issues with it, they don’t think they could be bi because they (a) couldn’t have a same-sex relationship or (b) couldn’t have a same-sex date… like either thing really has anything to do with being bisexual? Again, it seems to be that there are those who want to look at bisexuality in the same way that heterosexuality and homosexuality are looked at and, in this, trying to make something stick to us that, at the least, some of us aren’t all that willing to have hanging off of us. I actually don’t feel bad because I’ve never dated a guy, just like I don’t feel bad about not really liking guys the way I like women; I’ve had people tell me that I’m not bisexual because of my lack of that kind of liking… but it is what it is with me… and it doesn’t change the fact that, well, I’ve probably sucked more dick and fucked more male ass (and have been sucked and fucked) than the person doubting my credentials in this.
And all that I’ve done over these years can be invalidated because I don’t date men? Eh, I don’t think so but I probably will keep wondering why others think this is the way it’s supposed to be for everyone…