What I Haven’t Done

16 May

I was just ‘reminded’ of something that, as a bi guy, I either haven’t done or don’t remember ever doing:  I’ve never dated a guy.  The reason I bring this up is that I just read a blog written by someone ( who talked about how a person can’t be validated as being bisexual if they’ve never dated someone of their own gender – and for the purpose of this discussion, I’m talking about the gender binary; those folks who consider themselves outside of the binary, while respected, just confuse the issue at hand.

I’ve slept with men, even had a loving relationship with one… but I’ve never asked a guy out on a date, not in the sense I believe most people think of dating; I don’t think asking a guy if he’d want to go grab lunch or a cup of Joe so we can discuss, say, server configurations and without being bothered counts as a date.  The question that comes to my mind is why is dating being used as a validation method for bisexuals?  Is it assumed that if we like the same sex, we have to date the same sex?  What, if anything, does dating have to do with anything?  If I’m out and about and bump into a guy who then turns around and asks me if I’d like to go somewhere and have sex with him, is that a date?

What, you can’t take my word that I’m bisexual and that I am now required to do something to prove it?  I do remember, years ago, some guy tried to tell me that I couldn’t possibly be bisexual and I said to him that if he required proof, all he had to do was whip out his dick and I’d be happy to clear the matter up… which he wasn’t all that eager to do, of course.  What gets me, in moments like this, that even if I can provide proof of my bisexuality – like tell the doubter about all the pussy and dick I’ve had to date, stuff like that – why does the fact that I’ve had more pussy than dick seem to translate into, “Well, you could really be gay…?”  And if I had to date a guy in order to validate my sexuality to anyone – including myself – well, I’d be shit out of luck because I cannot honestly say that I’ve ever run across a man I would just love to date nor do I feel compelled in any way to date a guy, even if he were gay – and I say this without any insult meant to gay men.

I would suppose that dating has a purpose other than simply two people getting together and doing something (even if it isn’t sexual); it could be that my idea of dating and the generally accepted idea aren’t the same thing… or even close to it.  To me, dating these days has an intent; it’s like an interview for someone and with the possibility of further courtship that could lead to a relationship; it’s made me ask, “Don’t people just date because it’s something to do on a Friday night?”  What I’ve been reading over the last couple of years says that the answer to my question is, “No, they don’t…” like ‘dating’ and just ‘going out’ are, in fact, two very different things.  Even if it is, do I have to date “Carl” in order to validate my bisexuality?  Does it matter to anyone other than me that while I might be very interested in getting into “Carl’s” boxers, um, the thought of doing anything other than that isn’t on my list of things to do?  So, okay, I hit on “Carl” and he’s interested and we go somewhere, drain each other’s nuts dry, then go about our business; was that a date or merely a booty call?  If we decide to hook up again for more of the same, what makes this a dat? – does stopping at McDonald’s for a quick bite before we suck each other off make it a date?  Hell, if we skip the burger and fries and just handle the business, does that still count as a date?

Even better, um, wouldn’t the fact that Carl and I went after each other’s dick like starving men serve as enough proof of our sexuality when we could have been at home or otherwise with a woman?  You’d think it would but, no, there are those who are insisting that if I’m not “dating” Carl, then I can’t be bisexual.  This assumes that all bisexuals have that emotional affinity, that thing that wants to make us date people and with the purpose of romance and possibly a relationship; if you date, it’s for a mate.  Personally, I think using dating as an indicator/validation point is flawed and imprecise because, duh, a lot of bisexuals would rather have latrine duty than to actually go out and date/court someone who’s the same sex as they are – but I’m not saying that there aren’t bisexuals who do, in fact, date like this – I’m just not one of them and, no, I’m not alone in this mindset.

But maybe there are those who believe or have been made to believe that a lack of dating invalidates things?  I’ve read too many times where people have spoken about their feelings about bisexuality and have said while they don’t have any real issues with it, they don’t think they could be bi because they (a) couldn’t have a same-sex relationship or (b) couldn’t have a same-sex date… like either thing really has anything to do with being bisexual?  Again, it seems to be that there are those who want to look at bisexuality in the same way that heterosexuality and homosexuality are looked at and, in this, trying to make something stick to us that, at the least, some of us aren’t all that willing to have hanging off of us.  I actually don’t feel bad because I’ve never dated a guy, just like I don’t feel bad about not really liking guys the way I like women; I’ve had people tell me that I’m not bisexual because of my lack of that kind of liking… but it is what it is with me… and it doesn’t change the fact that, well, I’ve probably sucked more dick and fucked more male ass (and have been sucked and fucked) than the person doubting my credentials in this.

And all that I’ve done over these years can be invalidated because I don’t date men?  Eh, I don’t think so but I probably will keep wondering why others think this is the way it’s supposed to be for everyone…


Posted by on 16 May 2014 in Life, Living and Loving


Tags: , , ,

5 responses to “What I Haven’t Done

  1. Olly

    17 May 2014 at 04:30

    People sure do have some funny ideas when dictating other people’s identities…

    It occurred to me that, in this extremely rare instance, even the church is more advanced here. I remember very clearly being told that it was the act of homosexuality that was a problem – you could be as gay as a maypole as long as you didn’t actually practise “homosexual acts”. Now, all problems with that statement aside, it at least recognises that homosexuality (and in turn, other sexualities) is a state in which you exist, that it is inside you and how you feel. There’s recognition there that not all people who abstain from sexual acts are straight. Quite progressive! More progressive than the idiots who tell you “well, I see here on your Curriculum Fucktae that you’ve never actually dated “x” so you’re therefore straight”.


  2. Fred

    17 May 2014 at 10:52

    I’m of the impression many people use the term “dating” as a polite way of referring to a wide variety of relationships between men and women.

    I’m reminded of the niece of an old girlfriend of mine. I was speaking to her once a while back while in the presence of her next door neighbor. She told the neighbor as we were talking that I used to “date” her aunt. Except I don’t know that we ever really dated.

    She lived in the same apartments I did, we met and moved in together rather quickly. That relationship went on for a year or more and I don’t recall anything we did as being a “date”. I’m guessing that was just a polite way of avoiding saying we lived together and had a sexual relationship for over a year.

    I can understand that as it might have seemed rather tacky in many circles to say, “Fred used to live with my aunt”.


    • kdaddy23

      17 May 2014 at 11:13

      Welcome, Fred, and thanks for joining the conversation and commenting! Yeah, I suppose it depends on who you ask when it comes to what “dating” means. With me – and I’m not that old-fashioned – guys don’t date guys and girls don’t date girls; this is what I learned when I was young. But, it’s not true because this does happen but here of late, “dating” has been associated with pre-relationship stuff for women and let’s call it “extended booty calls” for guys. Not saying that men don’t date to find a mate but, c’mon, we know that we will date a woman, wine and dine her, and just to get into her panties as many times as we can then move on… or stay with her, whichever suits the situation.

      Still, I don’t see the logic or reason for anyone to say that I’m not bisexual because I’ve never dated a guy with romantic intent; it actually proves nothing but it does conform to the rules of monogamy more than anything else. If you want to include sexual intent and say that agreeing to meet someone someplace for sex is also dating, well, I guess I am guilty and perhaps nitpicking things because the word “date” never came up, even as a joke, you know, like saying, “Are you asking me out on a date?” I dunno, Fred – it’s semantically confusing and in the purview of the eye of the beholder – but it still doesn’t serve to validate one’s sexuality because, duh, everyone dates, don’t they? If “Joe” and “Roger” go to a baseball game together (a) are they on a date with each other and and (b) does it mean either man is bisexual or gay? I just don’t find this to be true at all…


      • Fred

        17 May 2014 at 13:20

        Point well made about two guys going to a baseball game, lol. I used to follow another bi blog where the guy not only referred to dating guys, but also referred to himself being gay. I never got why he referred to “dating”, and never understood why he insisted on referring to himself as gay.

        After making a post on how he expected sex if his ex wife and him were living together, I had to ask him if he shouldn’t refer to himself as bi. After all, strictly gay guys wouldn’t insist on having sex with their wives, ex or otherwise, would they? He never acknowledged my question.

        Some people just see things in black and white, I guess. But dating? I don’t think that applies much of the time anymore, especially with two guys.


      • kdaddy23

        17 May 2014 at 13:49

        Guys hang out with other guy; likewise, girls hang out with other girls, right? And, traditionally, guys date gals… But that’s no longer the truth of things; guys can date guys, girls can date girls and while it might say something about their sexuality, I know I wouldn’t question someone’s sexuality based on dating alone because on the surface, it doesn’t mean a damned thing… does it!



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