A funny thought hit me while I was in the shower this morning and doing a bit of, um, manscaping: There was a time in my life where I couldn’t wait to get pubic hair! And shaving? Okay, so watching my father and grandfather shave taught me a few words that they would have preferred I not learned, but, man, I thought it was so fucking cool to shave and to have hair under my arms and surrounding my crotch!
And now here I was in the shower and doing everything I could to get rid of the hair I had once so desperately wanted. Back in the day and when I started to find hair in the places I wanted it in, oh, wow, I was so hyped! And, damned right, I was showing off those few measly strands to all of my pals – well, the ones I tended to get naked with a lot, anyway. I remember showing my mother my three hairs under each arm; she laughed… and I got introduced to Right Guard the very next day.
In the shower, I was both frowning and trying not to laugh aloud when I recalled the time I shaved off all of my pubic hair… and then applied an overly generous amount of aftershave – Old Spice, if you’re wondering. Ah, man, talk about something being uncomfortable? I’m not even sure ‘uncomfortable’ adequately describes the intense burning sensation that felt as if I were deep-frying my nuts! Okay, okay, I know y’all are laughing your asses off but I take a bit of solace to know that I’m not the only guy who has ever made this mistake – but I do wonder if it’s some unwritten, unspoken rite of male passage.
I thought that, okay, I shave my head, shave my face, trim all the bushes down… but I’m not shaving my chest and I don’t care if they now have a razor designed for men to use for this purpose… but I did think about it for a moment – ain’t gonna lie about it. When I did think about it, the whole deal got complicated; if I manscape my chest, then I’d have to do my arms as well and, shit, if I do my chest, I gotta do the hair on my stomach as well and, oh, yeah, make sure the removal extends even further down… but what about the hair on my legs? Do I keep going south during this hair-removing odyssey?
I had nixed the idea because I learned that once you start making all that hair disappear, you gotta keep making it disappear and it did make me wonder why women put themselves through all of that work.
As I continued my, uh, hair removal procedure, I thought about a discussion that took place on a swinging site’s forum about the pros and cons of body hair and, of course, specifically, pubic hair. I found it rather interesting that the men and women in the conversation were all for taking scissors and razors – not to mention Brazilian waxing – to their sensitive parts as a matter of course; some were pretty damned adamant about playing with people who weren’t newborn nude down there, although I remember thinking that for some women, that thatch of hair can, um, cover up what might be an ‘ugly’ coochie or that by being shaved, they resemble a plucked chicken; I think about that now and I just wanna start laughing at that image in my head. I recall saying, on the naked pussy part, that I really didn’t care if she had hair or not; shit, if a guy doesn’t know how to navigate through the jungle to get at the prize, he needs re-schooling and badly. Sure, having to spit out loose hairs or take precious moments removing it from your teeth isn’t always fun… but it’s an occupational hazard.
Of course, the problem with removing that hair is that it’s gonna grow back… and if you’ve never had an ingrown hair or infected hair follicle down there, trust me, you don’t ever want to find out about it; I wound up with one that got so bad it had to be surgically removed and while for the sake of hygiene and the sensibilities of others getting rid of that hair is a good thing, whew, just thinking about the possibilities of ingrown hairs makes me not want to do it. To this very day, any time I get a pair of scissors or a razor in the neighborhood of the junk, it makes my hand want to start shaking; even when I use clippers to knock down the bush, there’s always that chance of nicking myself; those of you who have done this know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s so easy to do and very much unlike, say, shaving my head or face because you just can’t really see what you’re doing all that well. I can’t stand it when I cut myself shaving my face or head… so you gotta know that I hate cutting up the junk even more and especially since I have enough Plavix in my system to make things more interesting than they need to be.
At least I have the good sense not to break out the aftershave, right? Once, I decided to give myself a nice hit of Axe body spray and I can’t say if doing so set my shit on fire… because my hand refused to go down that far with the spray… but I did smell really good!
Just another one of those weird moments that my brain likes to bring up from time to time…