Viva La Difference!

19 May

I ran across this blog while looking for new stuff with the “Bisexuality” tag and after I read it I thought, “Wow, you don’t see or hear much about this from women!”  Then the curious part of my brain – the part that continually asks questions – chimed in with, “Are there any such differences from your point of view?  Hmm?”

Damned brain, making me think about shit that I normally don’t think about.  Not that I really don’t think about it, I just never – or rarely – think about the differences between being with a man and being with a woman and, yeah, they’re different but Mr. Curiosity then asked, “Yeah, but how are they different?  What makes it different?  Don’t tell me you don’t know because, duh, I know for a fact that you know… now fess up!”

Bastard… but he’s right – I do know and the answers lie in my behavior in either situation.  One the one hand, guys are supposed to take charge during sex with women; we call the shots, decide what’s to be done and all that and it’s all good as long as we complete the goal of satisfying her.  On the other with guys, um, well, that can be the case… and sometimes it wasn’t.

Being dominant or submissive in bed, to me, is just part of the deal; someone has to take the lead, someone has to be led if it helps to think about it like this.  Guys are “taught” to initiate sex… but I know I have zero qualms about someone else getting the ball rolling which kinda makes sense when I think about the countless number of times I’ve been required and expected to start things off – sometimes, you just wanna lay back and let the other person light the fires.  So I have to think about this, not in terms of roles so much, but in terms of being in a particular moment or with a particular person, whether I’m feeling anxious, eager, a bit dominant or even a bit submissive and, of course, I never know until that moment arrives whether or not I’m gonna be the one doing the taking… or if I’m going to get taken.

The author really had me thinking about the differences and even why those differences make themselves apparent; I honestly don’t give it a lot of thought even though I know that more men than women in my sexual history have been… aggressive about it and while I wouldn’t react negatively if my baby decided to just house my ass, if a guy did it, well, we might have words on the matter.  If nothing else, I learned that there’s a difference between making love to someone and making love with someone and I guess it’s preference… and maybe it really isn’t and more so since in my head I don’t really care who gets things started as long as they get started; you just do whatever the moment calls for.

I have noticed that with women I’ll get things started because, well, I’m supposed to; that’s part of the job description.  With men, I notice that I tend to get impatient and mostly because since we’re both guys and de facto sex-starters, I’m waiting to see if he’s gonna make the first move or I, once again, have to start the show, not that I mind it, but it’s a difference in my behavior.  The differences go deeper; with women, if I’m kissing on them and feeling them up before we’ve hit the sack, I’ve already started the ball rolling – think of it as foreplay before the foreplay starts (and if it even starts at all); with guys, well, there’s no… buffer between “let’s do this” and actually doing it – I’m not fond of kissing men and I’ve learned that a lot of guys don’t want to be bothered with anything that looks like foreplay; let’s just get naked and let the cock sucking begin, thank you very much.

After the ball begins its journey, it doesn’t matter to me how things progress because I’ve come to understand that through the process of having sex, the roles of being dominant and submissive can be interchangeable and depends on who’s doing what and when, just as I’ve learned that there are subliminal things going on, like I mentioned, if a woman is being aggressive with me, I’m good with that… but not so much when a man wants to get aggressive.  I recall the first time (as an adult) a guy pushed me onto the bed so he could get at my belt:  I almost kicked his ass and while he laughed at my reaction, I knew that he had no idea how close he came to winding up in a hospital bed.  It told me that I have to watch myself and pay more attention to the differences between playful aggression and that “You’re gonna be my bitch, bitch!” aggression that some men bring to the table.  But I digress…

Go read this lady’s blog and see if you find it as enjoyable as I did.  I know myself well enough to understand that while I’m aware of the differences I can experience with men and women, my mind just notes them and lumps everything together because despite any differences, ya mon, it’s sex!


Posted by on 19 May 2014 in Life, Living and Loving


Tags: , , ,

14 responses to “Viva La Difference!

  1. ellendolfan

    19 May 2014 at 17:02

    When it comes to sex, I have no problem being the aggressor and getting things started. But I like when he takes control during.


    • kdaddy23

      19 May 2014 at 18:25

      Certainly, it comes down to what’s liked and what isn’t… but when you dig down into the guts of sexual dominance and sexual submission, wow, it can get pretty interesting and more so when you’re bisexual. It can even come down to behavior that’s considered “appropriate” for the person you’re having sex with. Like, I have a hard time being dominant with men who want me to be dominant; it’s not that I can’t be that way but with them, I have to actually “flip a switch” in my head first… and I’m really not 100% sure why. It could be because that, ideally, sex is give and take, not quite equality in that sense, but, well, you know what I mean – I hope. Someone could be going down on you and you’re being dominant and submissive all at the same time; it’s different when fucking and even that depends on position more than just ‘attitude’… trying to sort it all out can make my brain lock up… and I know that’s because of the way I think about sex with either gender (sticking with the good old gender binary for this one, okay?) and how things are gonna go based on their preferences and stuff like that.

      You just know that someone has to get things started and, yep, that can be pretty funny at times and even with someone you’ve been doing for a long period of time. I dunno… I guess I just learned to go with the flow of things and not really think in terms of being dominant or submissive because, as I said, it’s all a part of having sex and can be interchangeable. I am aware that I don’t behave the same way with men than I do with women and even that has changed after I gave up anal sex – see, I know the differences but even as I try to write them, my brain is threatening to seize up on me!


  2. 'Tis

    19 May 2014 at 21:42

    This was so fascinating to me. For so many years I’ve been a closet submissive, never sharing that with my spouse or really even being able to put a word to what I was feeling and what I wanted. Our dynamic had been for nearly our entire marriage me taking the lead and that extended to the bedroom. I hated it and even now hate it. I’d go months without sex just because I didn’t want to be the person to initiate it for fear that I’d be shot down.

    It’s only been recently that we’ve opened the door on everything, including being with another couple. I’m still waiting for my girl on girl time without men around so it will be interesting to see if which one of us becomes the aggressor if either or if it will just be natural and we fall into it. Which is what it felt like when we were together with the men.

    Hmmmm, you have me thinking Kdaddy! 🙂


    • kdaddy23

      19 May 2014 at 23:47

      No one ever wants to fail at sex and all it takes is for someone to take the lead and then get shot down – or crash and burn – to make them leery about ever doing it again. I once thought that submissives are made and not born but yeah, that can happen, too, something to do with brain chemistry.

      We figure out pretty quick how we are from one lover to the next when it just straight or maybe even just gay sex… But when you’re dabbling in both ends of the pool? It does mix things up; I know men who are totally dominant with women but when with a guy, they’re so submissive that you’d never see or recognize the dominant guy. Likewise, I’ve seen guys timid with the ladies turn into ravening beasts when with another man. Go figure, right?

      So when looking at one’s own behavior, it can get interesting because it’s not something we have reason to think about until someone or something makes us think in that direction.


      • 'Tis

        20 May 2014 at 10:00

        Well at this point in my life I’m just glad my husband and I have opened ourselves up to being with others, learning more about ourselves sexually and not being afraid to try. I’m actually looking forward to learning how I react with others. I don’t think I can make a call yet on that with only having a single experience…


  3. astraltravler

    20 May 2014 at 10:59

    Dear KD,
    I have to admit that I’m Always the Aggressor/ Dominate, and that’s okay since it’s my nature and as “Hubby” would say I’m “Bossy”…
    Although as @ellen mentioned sometimes it’s nice to have your significant other whether it be male or female take the initiative.
    It seemed to me that if I did not make a move it wasn’t going to happen. I felt that If I have to say “F*&^ Me” tonight it’s just not the same. I just the other day told “Hubby” I’m not going to expect You to read my mind after 24 years..So right there speaks volumes.


    • kdaddy23

      20 May 2014 at 20:31

      I’m of the mind that if you’re not busy with something else, I’m just gonna get ya; beats the hell out of having to ask or even beg for it…


      • astraltravler

        20 May 2014 at 20:34

        Yeah… *Sigh* Well I happen to Like the Way You Think!
        ~A 😊


      • kdaddy23

        20 May 2014 at 20:39

        Better to do the getting than to get got… sometimes. I don’t have a problem with a woman grabbing me and tossing me on the bed, in the floor, wherever, and getting hers from me. It’s not about being dominant or submissive; it’s about getting laid – PERIOD.


      • astraltravler

        20 May 2014 at 20:50

        Yes, however sometimes Gals like to be “Made Love” to. Intimacy, Closeness, the “emotional” feeling of wanting to be Desired! I never out grew being a “tomboy” That has carried over in my sexual behaviour. I still have XY chromosomes…We can be “emotional” creatures at times.


      • kdaddy23

        20 May 2014 at 20:54

        Well, yeah, that also works…


      • astraltravler

        20 May 2014 at 20:55



      • kdaddy23

        20 May 2014 at 20:57

        Doesn’t matter if you take her hard or soft as long as can take her…


      • astraltravler

        20 May 2014 at 20:58




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