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Honestly…

27 May

Most of you who have been following me already know that I’m bisexual… but what does my honesty and openness mean to you?  When you think about all that you’ve read about me, do you think about the bisexual – and all the shit associated with bisexual men – or do you think about the person that I am.  Which is the more important aspect?

I ask you this – and an answer isn’t really required but would be interesting – because I’m still a little peeved at that certain facet of society that believes that all bisexuals have to come out of their respective closets and be accounted for, like in the manner homosexuals have been doing over the years.  I mentioned the one blog I read where the author asks why we can’t be honest about our sexuality and I went on a rant about it… and I’m still ranting a little and because Rougedmount made some good points and observations in her comment to “In Plain Sight.”

So that you don’t have to read all of it – but it would be nice if you did – I said to Rouged that as bisexual men, we’re not really all that worried about what society thinks about this; we are, however, very worried about how women and any men we consider to be close to us would think and, honestly, the reactions aren’t what I would call inspiring most of the time.  We know that when we’re dealing with women, they want us to be 100% honest and truthful with them; this, all by itself, isn’t all that unusual nor is it unexpected… but if we’ve had dealing with other women, we know that asking for the truth in all things and accepting that truth might not be the same thing.

If there’s a reason why we – bi guys – would rather stay under the radar than to step into the light, it’s because we know either through personal experience or from the experience of other bi men that this is a truth that cannot be handled so we have a hard choice to make:  Tell her (or one of the fellas) that you’re bisexual and watch (a) your chance to have a relationship with her or (b) your current relationship with her go right down the drain or (c) lose your best male friend… or exercise your right to remain silent.  It’s not that hard of a decision; we value our relationships with women and our male friends more than we’d want to risk losing all of it… but if we don’t say something about it, the same thing can happen – we’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t, right?

Sounds like a fucked up quandary, doesn’t it?  But I’ll ask again which is the most important thing, the fact that I’m bisexual and my, um, extensive sexual history… or the person that I am – the whole person and not just this one aspect of me?  Do you only think about the risks you’ve been hearing about concerning bisexual men?  Does this alone make you feel and/or believe that I cannot be trusted?  Would you choose to believe the perceptions… or would you believe and accept the truth as it applies to me?

Depending on how you’d answer these questions in your mind, can you also see why a bisexual man might not want to be forthcoming about this even though he’s aware of certain ramifications that could come up if he did confess?  This thing ain’t about lying and, honestly, we all lie to some extent or the other; we live with lies of omission because there are things about us that we will not tell anyone – this particular thing make me nuts because I find it hard to understand how my not telling you something is a lie on my part but that’s probably a rant for another day.  If anything, it’s a judgement call on the bi guy’s part:  Tell the whole truth about this and take your chances or leave that part out and take the risk of it resurfacing later and causing one hell of a mess.

Next hypothetical question:  If I honestly told you that I’m bisexual and that I’ve been active in that regard, would you start thinking about how that’s gonna affect you… or do you see a man with a broader sexual knowledge than most guys?  If, in your minds, you start thinking, “Oh, shit – that motherfucker has been fucking dudes in the ass and sucking dicks!” and are concerned about HIV/AIDS – and, keep in mind, I’d show you the medical proof that I’m not infected with anything – would that make you start to worry about yourself but not think about what I’ve told you about my sexual past with men and more so when I make it a point to let you know that I did the majority of my butt fucking way before HIV/AIDS ever came on the scene?

Would you see the obvious as it’s presented… or would your mind go off on a tangent and cause you to disregard whatever I’ve been telling you, um, like the truth and straight from the source?  Do you see the stereotypical bisexual man and just assume that I’m guilty of being that guy?  The real life question at this point is do you see why there are bisexual men who aren’t gonna stand up and be counted as society – or those certain factions – want us to?  Can you see that some bi guys know, as a matter of course, that being honest and open is, in their minds, the worst thing they could do?

The real and most telling question is does my bisexuality really makes a difference when looking at the big picture?  Would it disqualify me from being your friend or, if it were possible, bedding you?  What would honesty get me other than maybe shown the door and being told not to let the doorknob hit me in the ass on the way out?  And, even bigger and better, just why would this particular thing happen if the truth was asked for and received… but obviously not accepted?  See, I know that y’all know I’m bi; some of you accept it, perhaps some of you don’t – and that’s fine in either case and, for me, there’s no “downside” to being honest about my sexuality or open about what I’ve done and even how I think about it because you’re either gonna accept it or you’re not; you’re either going to see the whole person that I am or you’re just gonna see a stereotypical bisexual man who’s also a disease vector by association as well as a lying, cheating, flighty, and hormone-driven son-of-a-bitch.

And then the people asking us to come out want to know why we don’t?  It can be said that by being honest and open about it – and no matter how badly this goes for us – we can continue forward with a clear conscious… but does this make a guy feel better when others he’s confided in see him as a failure, someone whose character is flawed and his morals skewed in an abnormal direction?  I know it’s never made me feel good and if I know this, many other bi men know it as well; is there any wonder why they’re saying bisexuals are more prone to depression?

It begs the question to all of those who believe that we should come out, “Why would we want to do this when we know it’s not going to do us any good to do so?  Where’s the benefit in this and what, exactly, is that benefit?”

Okay, that was two questions but you see the problem here, don’t you?  I tell you about my sexuality and unless you’re more “enlightened” than most people, that’s the only thing you’re gonna see about me or any other bi guy and, as I’ve learned the hard way, one is more likely to believe the perceptions more than the truth so, to that end – and in a weirdly logical way – the truth doesn’t matter if you’re not willing or able to hear it, is it?  It’s one of the reasons why male bisexuals in particular always wind up having to defend themselves in this and, yeah, in most situations, it’s a complete waste of time because even I’ve learned that once someone makes up their mind that you’re that bi guy everyone tells you to be afraid of, getting them to change their mind isn’t impossible but it can be improbable.

Oh, my friends, this is such a good rant – aww…, what a rush!  Now, I’m not saying or even implying that it’s wrong to tell the truth in this when it has to be told; I’m just saying that what usually happens when the truth outs is one of the reasons why a lot of bisexual men aren’t very damned likely to raise their hand when asked, “Where are all the male bisexuals?”  If, when you answered those questions I asked way back in the beginning of this, you were paying more attention to the fact that I’m bisexual than anything else you might have learned about me, does anyone still wonder why we’d rather stay hidden in the darkness than to stand in the harsh light of public opinion?

Water… I need water…

 
10 Comments

Posted by on 27 May 2014 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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10 responses to “Honestly…

  1. Olly

    27 May 2014 at 17:35

    I guess my reaction is a bit of a cheat given that I’m in a similar boat to you…

    I know that in my head, theoretically anyone who finds my bisexuality to be a problem isn’t worthy of my time. Having said that, coming out to my best friends and my brother was one of the most terrifying things I have ever done because while I had always hoped that I didn’t keep company with arseholes, you never actually know until you take the plunge. As it is, my best friend hasn’t spoken to me properly in six months (and that’s 19 years of friendship – I don’t know if it’s my sexuality or that it took me nearly 2 decades to tell her that has upset her the most… I may never know).

    To answer your questions: if you chose to tell me – on the basis that I didn’t already know – about you being bi I would thank you for trusting me enough to tell me because that is what I would say to anyone who takes the leap and comes out, but it’s only one part of you. Of course it’s the person, the bigger picture, that is more important and anyone who can’t see that, who gets stuck on your sexuality, really isn’t worth it.

    It’s something the whole bisexual community gets tangled up in; we’re promiscuous and slutty and only saying it for attention. We’re only half way out of the closet and all that is required is the right man or woman to show us the error of our ways and have us safely back in the monosexual fold.

    Yes it has probably cost me a relationship or two being upfront about my sexuality but on reflection I don’t want to fuck someone with such bigoted views.

    Having said that, no one should be made to come out, not if they don’t want to and especially not if they don’t feel safe. I can definitely understand why so many bisexuals try to hide amongst their monosexual cousins. It’s a rubbish state of affairs 😦

    There’s a lot of ideas here, so I hope this sort of makes sense.

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      27 May 2014 at 19:14

      It does makes sense; being bi is a “problem” I’ve been working on damn near all of my life and I’ve seen and heard a lot of shit, both good and bad. One of the purposes of this writing is to make readers think about what their first reaction to finding a bisexual in their midst would be: Would you see only the bi guy – and the “threat” – or would you see a guy who is trusting you enough to tell you that he’s bi? The shocking thing is that even I know a lot of people would see the threat and not the man, even if they are polite enough not to say it – you can see it in their eyes and in their body language and, thus, you can tell when they’re lying when they tell you, “Hey, that’s cool, man!” or “That’s okay, baby, I still love you!” when they’re unconsciously putting some distance between you.

      Not all people react badly and that gives us bi guys some hope… but a lot of people do react badly, right? And it’s because they do react badly – they see the threat and not the person – wow, do you think that gives us incentive to all stand up and shout, “Here we are! Bi guys over here!”? Hell and fuck no it doesn’t! And you hit the nail on the head: We don’t have to come out if we don’t want to and no amount of ball-busting can make us do it and, besides, if we don’t come out, whatcha gonna do about it, hmm?

      The monosexual fold – I like that! Can I get your permission to steal it for some future blog? My thinking, while a little rude, goes like this: Y’all want to bust my ass for being bisexual and quick to point out all the shit that can go wrong or otherwise get fucked up… but you’re the ones who can’t accept that I’m neither straight nor gay? Which one of us has the real problem here? I can accept it because, duh, I AM it… but you, you with your monosexual thinking, can’t accept it, can you? Do you mean to tell me that you’re so unenlightened – and about a great many things, I might add – that the only thing you can say to bisexuals is to pick one side or the other and tell us that we’re the ones that are confused?

      Whew! I’d be telling the truth… but they’re the ones believing the lies… how does that work?

      Like

       
      • Olly

        30 May 2014 at 07:19

        You absolutely can pilfer “monosexual fold” – help yourself.

        Bi erasure and the shit that comes with it really doesn’t encourage us to come out. We’re the embarrassing cousin of the LGBT+ family and it sucks.

        Personally I don’t understand why people would only be attracted to one particular gender but I recognise that the monosexuals exist because they assure me they do and who am I to argue? It would be nice if they extended the same courtesy.

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        30 May 2014 at 09:43

        “Embarrassing?” Maybe they are with the way they’ve been behaving here lately but never us! Or do we embarrass them because we can do things that they can’t?

        Like

         
      • Olly

        30 May 2014 at 11:10

        Oh we definitely embarrass them with our multisexuality and demands to be taken seriously even though we don’t conform to their world view. And yeah, they definitely embarrass us with their piss-poor attitude. *sigh*

        Like

         
  2. astraltravler

    28 May 2014 at 06:37

    Dear KDaddy,
    I Love your rants, and All your postings! I get an honest expression/opinion from a males p.o.v. and that is priceless information. I Appreciate You as an Individual!
    Tag! You’re It! Pass it on or simply enjoy, as if it were a box of Godiva Chocolates.
    http://astraltravler.wordpress.com/2014/05/28/a-very-special-thank-you-to-jayne-of-diary-incarnate-liebster-award-%F0%9F%8F/
    Your Bi-Gal Friend,
    Anastasia 😊

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      28 May 2014 at 12:23

      Thank you, Anastasia, for your comments and for the award; I think I have like 15 of them but they all mean something! Sometimes, I feel kinda silly when I rant and maybe because I don’t do it very often… but when it comes to bi men and the problems being heaped on us, I gotta say something about it. People say they don’t know a lot about bi men because we won’t come out… but I can give my perspective based on what I’ve learned about being bi from day one to present. I can be objective enough to realize that people today are actually talking about things that, back in the day, no one wanted to say anything about but, still, it’s old, played out, and inaccurate information and based on fears that are both real and imagined. The smart bi guy recognizes the risks, weighs any benefits and then, thinking with the big head, makes the right choices for himself, a partner, or a given situation while being totally aware of the consequences of his actions and how they could affect other people.

      Which is totally the opposite of what people think about bisexual men… and someone has to set them straight and I guess I’m really It.

      Like

       
      • astraltravler

        1 June 2014 at 12:10

        Dear KDaddy,
        Always A Pleasure! You provide a no bullshit, straight up this is how it is, and that’s what I dig about You and your writings.
        ~A

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        1 June 2014 at 12:54

        It’s the only way I know how to tell it…

        Like

         
      • astraltravler

        1 June 2014 at 15:04

        👍😊

        Like

         

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