Most of you who have been following me already know that I’m bisexual… but what does my honesty and openness mean to you? When you think about all that you’ve read about me, do you think about the bisexual – and all the shit associated with bisexual men – or do you think about the person that I am. Which is the more important aspect?
I ask you this – and an answer isn’t really required but would be interesting – because I’m still a little peeved at that certain facet of society that believes that all bisexuals have to come out of their respective closets and be accounted for, like in the manner homosexuals have been doing over the years. I mentioned the one blog I read where the author asks why we can’t be honest about our sexuality and I went on a rant about it… and I’m still ranting a little and because Rougedmount made some good points and observations in her comment to “In Plain Sight.”
So that you don’t have to read all of it – but it would be nice if you did – I said to Rouged that as bisexual men, we’re not really all that worried about what society thinks about this; we are, however, very worried about how women and any men we consider to be close to us would think and, honestly, the reactions aren’t what I would call inspiring most of the time. We know that when we’re dealing with women, they want us to be 100% honest and truthful with them; this, all by itself, isn’t all that unusual nor is it unexpected… but if we’ve had dealing with other women, we know that asking for the truth in all things and accepting that truth might not be the same thing.
If there’s a reason why we – bi guys – would rather stay under the radar than to step into the light, it’s because we know either through personal experience or from the experience of other bi men that this is a truth that cannot be handled so we have a hard choice to make: Tell her (or one of the fellas) that you’re bisexual and watch (a) your chance to have a relationship with her or (b) your current relationship with her go right down the drain or (c) lose your best male friend… or exercise your right to remain silent. It’s not that hard of a decision; we value our relationships with women and our male friends more than we’d want to risk losing all of it… but if we don’t say something about it, the same thing can happen – we’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t, right?
Sounds like a fucked up quandary, doesn’t it? But I’ll ask again which is the most important thing, the fact that I’m bisexual and my, um, extensive sexual history… or the person that I am – the whole person and not just this one aspect of me? Do you only think about the risks you’ve been hearing about concerning bisexual men? Does this alone make you feel and/or believe that I cannot be trusted? Would you choose to believe the perceptions… or would you believe and accept the truth as it applies to me?
Depending on how you’d answer these questions in your mind, can you also see why a bisexual man might not want to be forthcoming about this even though he’s aware of certain ramifications that could come up if he did confess? This thing ain’t about lying and, honestly, we all lie to some extent or the other; we live with lies of omission because there are things about us that we will not tell anyone – this particular thing make me nuts because I find it hard to understand how my not telling you something is a lie on my part but that’s probably a rant for another day. If anything, it’s a judgement call on the bi guy’s part: Tell the whole truth about this and take your chances or leave that part out and take the risk of it resurfacing later and causing one hell of a mess.
Next hypothetical question: If I honestly told you that I’m bisexual and that I’ve been active in that regard, would you start thinking about how that’s gonna affect you… or do you see a man with a broader sexual knowledge than most guys? If, in your minds, you start thinking, “Oh, shit – that motherfucker has been fucking dudes in the ass and sucking dicks!” and are concerned about HIV/AIDS – and, keep in mind, I’d show you the medical proof that I’m not infected with anything – would that make you start to worry about yourself but not think about what I’ve told you about my sexual past with men and more so when I make it a point to let you know that I did the majority of my butt fucking way before HIV/AIDS ever came on the scene?
Would you see the obvious as it’s presented… or would your mind go off on a tangent and cause you to disregard whatever I’ve been telling you, um, like the truth and straight from the source? Do you see the stereotypical bisexual man and just assume that I’m guilty of being that guy? The real life question at this point is do you see why there are bisexual men who aren’t gonna stand up and be counted as society – or those certain factions – want us to? Can you see that some bi guys know, as a matter of course, that being honest and open is, in their minds, the worst thing they could do?
The real and most telling question is does my bisexuality really makes a difference when looking at the big picture? Would it disqualify me from being your friend or, if it were possible, bedding you? What would honesty get me other than maybe shown the door and being told not to let the doorknob hit me in the ass on the way out? And, even bigger and better, just why would this particular thing happen if the truth was asked for and received… but obviously not accepted? See, I know that y’all know I’m bi; some of you accept it, perhaps some of you don’t – and that’s fine in either case and, for me, there’s no “downside” to being honest about my sexuality or open about what I’ve done and even how I think about it because you’re either gonna accept it or you’re not; you’re either going to see the whole person that I am or you’re just gonna see a stereotypical bisexual man who’s also a disease vector by association as well as a lying, cheating, flighty, and hormone-driven son-of-a-bitch.
And then the people asking us to come out want to know why we don’t? It can be said that by being honest and open about it – and no matter how badly this goes for us – we can continue forward with a clear conscious… but does this make a guy feel better when others he’s confided in see him as a failure, someone whose character is flawed and his morals skewed in an abnormal direction? I know it’s never made me feel good and if I know this, many other bi men know it as well; is there any wonder why they’re saying bisexuals are more prone to depression?
It begs the question to all of those who believe that we should come out, “Why would we want to do this when we know it’s not going to do us any good to do so? Where’s the benefit in this and what, exactly, is that benefit?”
Okay, that was two questions but you see the problem here, don’t you? I tell you about my sexuality and unless you’re more “enlightened” than most people, that’s the only thing you’re gonna see about me or any other bi guy and, as I’ve learned the hard way, one is more likely to believe the perceptions more than the truth so, to that end – and in a weirdly logical way – the truth doesn’t matter if you’re not willing or able to hear it, is it? It’s one of the reasons why male bisexuals in particular always wind up having to defend themselves in this and, yeah, in most situations, it’s a complete waste of time because even I’ve learned that once someone makes up their mind that you’re that bi guy everyone tells you to be afraid of, getting them to change their mind isn’t impossible but it can be improbable.
Oh, my friends, this is such a good rant – aww…, what a rush! Now, I’m not saying or even implying that it’s wrong to tell the truth in this when it has to be told; I’m just saying that what usually happens when the truth outs is one of the reasons why a lot of bisexual men aren’t very damned likely to raise their hand when asked, “Where are all the male bisexuals?” If, when you answered those questions I asked way back in the beginning of this, you were paying more attention to the fact that I’m bisexual than anything else you might have learned about me, does anyone still wonder why we’d rather stay hidden in the darkness than to stand in the harsh light of public opinion?
Water… I need water…