Late last night, I read yet another blog where the author mentioned that folks who don’t like bisexuals claim that (a) we’re not being honest about our gayness and (b) we’re unfaithful and those of you who have been following and reading here lately already know that this is pure, unadulterated bullshit. Now, the old noodle was thinking about (b) and I let it spread out, not as much to look at bisexuality and the issues around this when in a relationship but some broader stuff, like the ages-old bugaboo about cheating, something else I’ve been reading a lot about here lately.
Here’s what I believe is a given: People don’t cheat without a reason, whether they make one up or they’re given one. True, some people just don’t have a faithful bone in their bodies but I’m not talking about them; this is more about those folks who wind up cheating and perhaps why they do. It’s almost generally accepted that people cheat because they have a need that’s not being met by their partner or in their relationship… and if it isn’t, then maybe it should be accepted as a truth; otherwise, no one would ever have a reason to be unfaithful in any way. This shit is about to get deep so put on your hip boots and nose plugs…
Where bisexuals are concerned, someone will cheat because, clearly, there’s something they want and need that their partner is totally and completely unable to provide them. If you think that a bisexual’s desire for some same-sex contact – physical or emotional – is just something that can be switched off, you’re about as wrong as you can be because while they can set their desires aside, they are still very much alive and well as well as nibbling at the corners of their consciousness, just enough to let them know that, yeah, you need something more than what your partner can provide.
The problem isn’t that they feel this way – it’s when they decide, fuck it, I gotta get me some dick/pussy or I just need to connect with someone who’s like me that can give me the warm, fuzzy feeling of acceptance that they may not get at home. They’re gonna get themselves in trouble, for sure, because as we all know, monogamy doesn’t allow for such things, even when you’re not officially bound to each other by marriage. It’s you and your partner only and your mission, if you can even begin to accept it, is to provide for all of their needs and what I don’t believe is fully understood – or perhaps even completely ignored – is that if you fail to provide for your partner’s needs, you can expect them to take matters into their own hands and more so since the prevailing mentality is, “If you need something and you can’t have it, you’ll just have to do without it or else…” You are expected and required to keep your needs in a really tiny box and one that’s all about your partner and no one else… like everyone is capable of doing this. Yes, some are… but I’m not talking about them, either.
While I understand the reasoning behind this, damn, it puts a person in a bad place – and regardless to their sexual orientation; this is something our detractors don’t seem to understand. Any time you, as a partner, fail to provide your partner with something they need, shit will occur; if they don’t step to the side to get what they want, they’re gonna make your life a living hell trying to deal with their mental state – if you think it’s easy to deal with someone who’s severely depressed, please rethink your position on this. People are funny; because of how past relationships have gone and even how firmly they believe in the tenets of monogamy, there’s a shitload of things that they are not going to do in order to make their partner happy; it’s telling them, “Look, this is all you’re getting and all that you need so just deal with it.” I also like to call this “I love you, but…” and I don’t know about y’all but I think this is a very shitty and controlling way to deal with someone.
In this, you’re not thinking about what might be good for them or the fact that the relationship, as a physical entity, might be made to suffer because you’ve got one really unhappy camper sleeping next to you every night. And, oh, yeah, if this is mentioned to you, you just brush it aside as if it wasn’t important – and all because it’s not important to you and, again, not realizing that what affects your partner will ultimately affect you. And if you truly love someone, why in the name of all that’s holy would you not do whatever had to be done and simply in the name of love? Now, before you get sidetracked on this one, I’m not talking about the dumb shit, okay? I’m talking about doing certain things with and for your partner that your relationship with them will continue to thrive and grow.
Now, some of this isn’t just about one person denying the other; some of this is about one person in the partnership having needs that there is no way in hell the other person can do anything about; my classic example is that if a guy needs some dick, the woman he’s with (and loves dearly) doesn’t have one. Some people suck at romance, have a mindset that won’t allow them to talk about sex, fantasies, things like that and some people need their partner to engage them in this manner… and what do you think can happen when they don’t?
Someone comes along with just the right thing or things that they need – and, no, I’m not necessarily talking about sex – and now, at the very least, they’re being emotionally unfaithful to their partner, right? The real question is: Should this have been allowed to happen in the first place? How did this failure occur? Was it a lack of effective communication? Someone has their head stuck in a mode of thinking that will not allow them to either effect change or accept it? Got that Old Testament, “me Tarzan, you Jane” mentality going on? And, worse, believing that once a relationship gets started, if it ain’t broke, don’t fuck with it?
You might not think or believe that your partner – and once more for the haters of bisexuals, sexuality notwithstanding – would ever have a reason to be physically or emotionally unfaithful, just like it can go right over your head that you are the reason why this happened: It was either something you did or, classically, something you didn’t or wouldn’t do. This being unfaithful thing being foisted onto bisexuals is just a cop-out; our sexuality, even in its duality, isn’t always a free pass to cheat when it’s called for. Fuck no; if I’m bisexual and cheating on you, it’s because you have failed to address a serious need I have and, really, just how long do you think I’m going to just keep taking the fact that you’re dissing me about this, denying that I have this need or insisting that I shouldn’t have this need before I decide to deal with this myself? Huh? How long? And then, when I do break the rules, um, why are you (a) surprised and (b) all totally and completely pissed off that I did? I’ll let you marinate on this one for a moment and especially if any of this sounds familiar to you…
Any time you tell someone that something they need isn’t of any import (or shouldn’t be), well, some folks ain’t gonna just take that shit, are they? Generally, people cheat on their partners not because they weren’t raised right but because – and you’re gonna get tired of hearing this – they have a need that the partner or the relationship isn’t meeting. I mean, there’s a reason why it’s said, “If you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will;” likewise, there’s some truth behind the statement and just as much of a hint as it is a dire warning. Check this out…
I’m gonna use my baby Linda in this example… because I know she’s gonna read this and get “that look” on her face I like so much. Let’s say that Linda comes to me one day and says, “I think I want to have a girlfriend…” and the way she says this tells me she’s not talking about having a friend that’s a girl. My near-immediate response would be, “Okay – you got someone in mind?” Yep, you’re not damned likely to hear this response to such a question because the rules say that this question should never come up for any reason. Now, I know that, often, when it does, well, let’s just say that having quick reflexes and wearing a flame-proof suit over your feelings might very well be needed. Back to Linda’s hypothetical statement, my job is to see to her happiness and to do whatever within my power – and, yeah, reasonable – to make sure she’s a happy camper because I’d be a damned fool to ignore “If you don’t take care…” and, as such, try to get in her ass about it, something that will only make both of us unhappy in ways I don’t want to talk about.
We all have some relationship fears and one of mine is what could happen if, in this example, I tell her that I don’t think she needs to have a girlfriend for anything and that, stupidly, I should be all that she needs. Seriously? Is that even possible and more so since her needs can develop or change from one moment to the next? See, for me, it’s easy: It would be better to know she has her girlfriend than it would be for her to go behind my back and do it anyway… because no one tells Linda what she can’t do and if you do, you can bet your ass she’s gonna go ahead and do it. Not only would this be good for her but it would be good for the relationship and because her needs are being met, even a need that I, as a man, could never, ever fulfill.
If you firmly believe in monogamy, nah, you’re not gonna be able to do this… but you still have a potential problem on your hands whether you’re aware of it or not. To me, it’s almost common sense: If your relationship is failing, dying, whatever, and it’s within your power and ability to prevent this from happening, why aren’t you doing some serious CPR? Why let a partner’s needs go totally unfulfilled… then get bent out of shape if/when they go somewhere else to get what you can’t or won’t provide for them? I think too many people pay too much attention to what being in a relationship – marriage or otherwise – mandates instead of paying attention to the fact that your relationship is about the two of you, not some high-level idea of what relationships are supposed to be like. This is true because – get this – people are different; people are dynamic and not static. The tenets of monogamy have not and probably will not ever change, which is a problem because, um, people do even when they believe they’re not suppose to change once they get into a relationship.
To me, this is just stupid and more so when I think of how failures to change and adapt in a relationship winds up destroying the relationship and everyone’s self-esteem. Worried about your man or woman flirting online with “strangers?” Well, why are you flirting with them? He/she online talking about some deep-level stuff that has great substance? Why aren’t you doing that with them? Talking sex, sexuality, fantasies and other such things with someone other than you? Why haven’t you asked yourself why this is happening and, uh-uh, it ain’t because your partner ain’t got no home training. So, duh, if you do not do these things with and for them, you can bet your oblivious ass that someone else won’t hesitate to do it.
I’m not saying that the, ah, objecting partner’s sensibilities aren’t important – they are – but a lot of this isn’t a “me” sort of thing – it’s an “us” thing, what is best for the relationship, what can we do – or be willing to do – to make our relationship the best it can be? I know – and because I’ve been there too many times in my life – that when you have a partner who is more worried about themselves in certain things than being concerned about the health of the relationship and, by association, their partner, shit can happen. That whole being set in your ways shit? Yeah, that can potentially fuck things up and the question is one of why, oh, why, would you let such an attitude ruin what’s been a damned good thing up to this point?
A partner of any sexuality isn’t going to cheat on you because they don’t have anything better to do – they have a reason for it and even if it’s one that only makes sense to them and even with all this fucking writing I’ve done, I’ve barely scratched the surface of all the shit we do to each other that will pretty much guarantee some infidelity in some form or another. Being bisexual and having the potential to cheat isn’t any different from gays or straights finding reasons to cheat on a partner and the people who are trying to pin this rap on us really need to understand that being unable to fulfill a partner’s needs is a universal problem for anyone in a relationship.