Occasionally Disconnected

20 Jun

I was thinking – while doing surveys and chasing mummies – that when I read what other bisexuals are saying about themselves or bisexuality in general, I feel occasionally disconnected.  Yep, I do know what they’re going through because I’ve been there… but because I’ve been like this for so long, I sometimes feel out of touch with the concerns of today’s bisexuals and that’s not exactly how I feel.

Here of late, there is so much external pressure for bisexuals to come out and be counted; I’ve read some blogs whose authors are right on the edge of wanting to come out and they either don’t know how to do it or that weird, instinctual “fear” raises its head and yanks them back, putting them into that bothersome situation where they feel compelled to come out… but they can’t do it.

I feel disconnected in this because as I grew into my sexuality, coming out just wasn’t always a smart thing to do.  Yeah, I know what it’s like to want to tell everyone you know about this thing you’ve discovered about yourself… and then you learn from the mistakes made by others – in my case, gay folks – and the living hell a lot of them got subjected to.  I think about the coming out mistakes I’ve made, the people who turned their backs on me and even those who had to get their asses kicked because they wanted to disagree with my sexuality with violence so, yeah, if common sense doesn’t make you stop and seriously – and deeply – think about the pros and cons of coming out, experience will sure as hell give you a much-needed lesson or two and, hopefully, you’ll survive it.

I feel disconnected because a lot of bloggers talk about The Community and/or how they need support systems in order to help them cope with being bisexual and to better handle the feelings raging inside of them… and there was no such animal for me to turn to; even when engaged with other men, they weren’t exactly helpful or supportive and I would often walk away from encounters with many unanswered questions and with many more queueing up in my mind.  There just wasn’t anyone to turn to outside of obviously gay men who, as you might expect, had a singular point of view where sex and sexuality were concerned – they had a bias that just didn’t work for me.  I’d often get pissed off at them because I was good enough to have sex with but still kinda shat upon because I went both ways… but time and experience would eventually teach me how to deal with these things.  I used to think that my curiosity was more of a pain in the ass than anything else but, today, I’m so grateful that it fueled my quest for knowledge about being bisexual and, as I’ve mentioned in the past, that I had a library card.

I feel disconnected because there’s so much talk about gender and how it might apply to bisexuality and, fuck, I’m a fairly intelligent person and this often doesn’t make sense to me because, of course, when I grew up, you were either male or female and, yeah, that included being gay even though the thought of a man who behaved like a woman was pretty damned confusing at first but, uh-huh, the library had all kinds of nice books to explain this in a way I could understand it.  There’s so much emphasis on gender and it makes me wonder about why this is so and why it’s seen to be as important when it comes to being bisexual; I feel disconnected because the simplicity of the whole bisexual thing has now become so complicated when I read that people are so into this gender thing.  Now, it’s not as if I don’t understand it – I just don’t understand it as well as I sometimes think I should and more so since the issue with gender identity is really all in a person’s head and it’s even questionable if genetics – which I know can reveal the truth of such things – combine to physically make you male or female.  See, I’m already getting a headache thinking about this!  Still, as a bisexual and at the root of it all, it’s about whether someone is male or female and this thing where what used to be a “given” but somehow isn’t any longer just muddies the waters, removes the simplicity of thought and action when it comes to being bisexual.

I feel disconnected because so many bloggers have opined that their bisexuality isn’t about a person being male or female – it’s about them, the person that they are, and it makes me say, “Duh…” because attraction, such as it is, does and always has included looking at the person, seeing what makes them tick and what, if anything, you might have in common with them.  Whether the attraction is all about what you see or what can’t be seen is, at least the way I learned it, irrelevant – it is what it is but when there’s so much talk about making this distinction, it makes me wonder about a whole lot of things and why there’s so much nitpicking about it today.

I feel disconnected when I read about bisexuals having some need to qualify and quantify their sexuality based on the ability to have a same sex relationship… and I’ve asked, “Where the fuck did that come from?”  It’s one of those things that makes me shake my head because, in my understanding, yes, you can be bisexual and have a same-sex relationship if you want or even need to… but it’s not a requirement, it’s not proof of concept in any way.  I dunno about these “new” bisexuals… because I know that I didn’t have to have a relationship with a guy as I would with a gal in order for me to know that I was bisexual and, of course, I had “proved” this to myself before I actually did have a same-sex relationship.  So, I’m like, it really can happen even if you don’t believe that such a thing is possible… but it’s not a hard requirement to prove to yourself that, yeah, you’re bisexual.  Either your feelings – and if you can trust them – will confirm this to you or if you’ve been bold enough to take the next step and have some of the sex that’s possible in this, hmm, if that doesn’t confirm to you that you’re bisexual, I don’t know what will do it.  It’s not all that hard to figure out but it seems to me that some folks are going out of their way to make this harder than it has to be and I feel disconnected because I’ve yet to figure out the why of this.  I see it, hear/read about it, understand where they’re coming from… but it doesn’t make sense.  Would/could it be damned educational to have a same-sex relationship?  Yep, it sure could!  Do you have to have one?  Oh, fuck no!

In this, it’s not really all that removed from one’s ‘normal’ decision-making process when trying to select a candidate to have a relationship with.  You don’t really have to have a relationship with someone you’re attracted to in some way but if you can, okay, go for it.  If it proves anything, it proves that you can have a relationship with someone and that, my friends, is a lot more important a thing than anything else because in a way, being bisexual is easy – being in any kind of a relationship is not.

I really feel disconnected when I check out the terminology being used today and I think things are pretty fucked up in the world (what else is new, right?) when bisexuals go out of their way and to great lengths to avoid using the word “bisexual” and as it applies to them (and in whatever way it does).  Now, I know that when you go look-up the meaning of the word, wow, it can really fuck with your head; it implies certain things that just makes people nervous.  This is the part when I start talking about ducks quacking and, I dunno, maybe it’s just me but if you act like a bisexual in any way and for any reason, um, you’re bisexual… aren’t you?  For some, this isn’t a truth or even something that makes sense to them and my disconnect comes in because I don’t quite understand why it doesn’t make sense to them even though I do understand self-perception and that weird thing that goes on in our heads that would allow a guy I’m having sex with to say that I’m bisexual… but he isn’t.  Over the last ten years or so, I’ve seen so many different ways for people to avoid using the word as it applies to them; I’ve gotten the thought that for the people who say that bisexuals are confused or otherwise in denial, well, they’re right and some of us just keep proving their point that we cannot make up our minds on what we are.

Sure, I’m comfortable with the word and if I ever used, say, heteroflexible to describe myself, well, something’s very wrong with me.  Okay, sure, whatever – it’s just another way to say someone’s bisexual and that would be okay – kinda; it gets kinda iffy and disconnected when you tell me that you do things that I, as a bisexual, would do… but you’re not bisexual, you’re heteroflexible.  I get it that this word (and a few others) make people feel better about themselves in this and that is important… but if you know that you quack like a duck, why not just say you’re a duck, even if you only say it to yourself?  Being heteroflexible seems to be some hip and trendy way to say that you’re bisexual and I guess I’m disconnected on this one because being hip and/or trendy isn’t on my list of things to do – it’s keeping up with the Joneses and I’ve never thought that this makes sense.

I know that things change – duh – and that it’s a good thing to keep in touch with those things that interest you, like bisexuality.  I could just throw my hands in the air and say fuck it… but my curiosity won’t allow me to do that because there are changes in the air where bisexuality is concerned and since I’m so very much bisexual, I want to keep up with them so that I can see the broader picture in this and not just be stuck with my own mindset; I want to know what others are thinking and how they’re feeling about this because what affects them can also affect me.  I know that some of the stuff I read and hear today appears to be utter nonsense compared to what I’ve learned over the 49 years I’ve been bisexual.  In my eyes, nothing’s really changed except how people are dealing with their duality… or how they’re not of a mind to deal with it at all, like it really doesn’t apply to them.  I can’t say that it’s truly denial in that sense but I am utterly fascinated with how people are looking and thinking about this.

That’s all for now; maybe I might have something else later…


Posted by on 20 June 2014 in Life, Living and Loving


Tags: , ,

4 responses to “Occasionally Disconnected

  1. ellendolfan

    20 June 2014 at 15:52

    I’m glad I accepted myself as bisexual before I started reading up on the subject. I would have been way too confused to come out of the closet if I over thought the subject. My reality is that I have always been attracted to females and to males. In reality, probably more towards females, but that’s another thing. I just finally had to face the fact that I am bi. No more hiding behind my 20 year marriage. I want to explore the female side of my bisexuality, but I am restricted by the fact that I am in a monogamous relationship. But at least I have accepted who I am. I’m not hiding, or in denial like I was for 46 years. It’s not a complicated thing.. I am attracted to women and to men. And no, not everyone turns me on. I don’t cheat. I am not greedy. I am not confused. And I am not selfish. And I do not need to pick a side. My reality is I can love a man or a woman. I don’t need anyone to tell me who or what I am.


    • kdaddy23

      20 June 2014 at 15:56

      With the stuff I’ve been seeing, I’m glad that I accepted my sexuality own my own, to; if I were just now accepting it, I would be so confused!


      • ellendolfan

        20 June 2014 at 16:10

        I honestly never even heard of biphobia until I got on WordPress, and started reading. I am not gay. I happen to enjoy my husband very much.So don’t tell me I’m confused, and need to pick a side. If I had the freedom to choose right now, I would probably enjoy a relationship with a female. But the fact that I can’t still doesn’t make me straight.


      • kdaddy23

        20 June 2014 at 16:30

        The shit being said against bisexuality is unnecessary; just because some folks can’t comprehend bisexuality does mean that it doesn’t exist and trying to make it go away is even sillier and it’s very hard to understand such a thing – it just doesn’t make sense!



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