I was just reading someone’s blog about the validation of bisexuality and I rolled my eyes (again) so hard I could have popped out my contacts. In my comments on that blog, I wondered something: What’s the purpose for needing to validate the existence of bisexuality? Makes for some great demographic data but other than that, why does someone – read this as some entity – feel the need for me to prove that I am what I say I am when it comes to this. I mean, seriously, if you’re not going to believe what I say, I know of another way I can prove it to you and, who knows, you might even like it… but if you don’t, I think it’ll settle that validation thing rather nicely.
I’ve read so many blogs where other bisexuals talk about validation and having to defend ourselves and our sexuality and, as I learned, at some point, it’s easier just to look at them and laugh at how naive they are about this than it is to get into shouting matches or even a fight over something that, honestly, isn’t anyone’s business and for most of us, not for public dissemination.
To me – and in the absence of a reason for this particular brand of dumb shit that makes sense or doesn’t insult my intelligence – we shouldn’t have to validate our sexuality; if you don’t believe the words that are coming out of our mouths, that’s not our problem. We shouldn’t have to defend ourselves in this but, given the nature of some of the people around us, yeah, we might have to in some way but it’s really a waste of time and energy because it’s not our fault as bisexuals that you’re either naive, shortsighted, or just downright clueless about bisexuality and to the point where you get it in your head that just because you don’t cotton to the idea, then it must not exist, that it can’t be real, and you’re just that thick-skulled to believe that people are either straight or gay.
And they say that we’re in denial? We shouldn’t have to put up our dukes and defend what we are against people who, apparently, don’t have the sense God gave them that would allow them to understand that, yes, Virginia, bisexuality exists; there are bisexuals among us right now. No, you’re not always going to know who is bisexual and who isn’t and it’s really not polite to ask because some of them are kinda touchy about it and there’s no need to start a ruckus over such a private matter. I was sitting here thinking about all the times I had to deal with someone’s ignorance about this – until I decided that I wasn’t going to deal with it any longer and that anyone who wanted to fuck with me about it is going to regret it – and it helps if you have a rep that suggests that you might not want to fuck with me. I know that not everyone has such a presence or persona – and, really, no one should have to develop these things but a saying that I had on a magnet says it rather nicely: “Friendly persuasion is nice but nastiness gets better results.”
And there’s no point in being nasty… unless you’re forced to be. If someone wants to question your sexuality, you can just ignore them – it’s none of their damned business unless, of course, they’re interested in a little bisexual action with you. If they want to argue that you’re not what you know yourself to be, let them waste oxygen doing it because, clearly, they don’t know jack shit about it and, thus, have no idea what they’re talking about. It’s pretty sad to see someone parroting the usual bullshit about bisexuality and instead of getting pissed with them, they should be pitied for their lack of vision.
I recall a “validation” discussion about my being bisexual that took place in the forums of the swinging site I used to really hang out on. Some straight guy demanded proof that I was bisexual – bad move on his part. I replied – and with an evil grin on my face he wouldn’t have wanted to see – that all he had to do was invite me into his bedroom with him and his wife and I’ll give him all the proof he’ll ever need… and you know he wasn’t trying to do that and he even said that he wouldn’t. I then said, “So why are you asking questions that you don’t really want to know the answers to? That’s pretty stupid, if ya ask me…”
And I still think that it is. See, there’s a different between not knowing anything about bisexuality and just being adamant that bisexuality doesn’t exist or holding to the mindset that a person is either straight or gay; it’s as silly as the stereotypes that have been around before I was born, that Black men don’t eat pussy but all white guys do, that Black women don’t suck dick and all white women do. It stands to reason that if you believe these things, um, you might have a reality problem; it also stands to reason that if you believe these things, then you just might believe that bisexuality isn’t a real sexual orientation… and you will still have a reality problem to deal with if you have what it takes to deal with the truth of things.
And if you can’t handle the truth, sorry, that’s not my problem. If you’re not willing to subject yourself to the one real way to prove and validate bisexuality, stop asking for proof and validation and more so if you’re not going to believe what I tell you about it. I don’t know about y’all but this really tries my patience and why people say that they don’t have time for the dumb shit; if I tell you that this is an apple and you want to keep insisting that it’s an orange, I ain’t got time for you and more so if I’m showing you the apple. And this bisexuality validation bullshit falls into this category as well. Socially, it’s kinda obvious that bisexuality and bisexuals exist because if it didn’t – if we didn’t – what’s all this drama about?
“I don’t believe you’re bisexual – ain’t no such thing…”
“Okay, you have the right not to believe it…”
“You can’t prove that you are, can you?”
“Oh, I most certainly can; the question is do you really want me to prove it?”
To those who feel that bisexuals must validate themselves and will not accept what we say, it’s time to shit or get off the pot – enough is enough already. We don’t have to validate our sexuality and just because you have some reason to have to validate you own sexuality; we do exist despite the narrowness of your thinking. We don’t even have to verbally or physically defend ourselves in this – all we have to do is just let you keep wallowing in your ignorance and that, to me, is worse than anything I could say or do to you.
It’s the art of fighting without fighting; it’s learning how to fight so you don’t have to fight. You want to collect demographic data on who’s bi and who’s straight or gay? Okay, fine – I’ll check the “Bisexual” box, no problem. But don’t ask me to prove or validate it if you’re not prepared to expose yourself to the truth and especially if you’re not going to take my word for it; you should just leave it alone and walk away. If you have the gall to presume that you know what’s going on inside my head about this and have the audacity to tell me that I’m confused, going through a phase or, gasp, that I’m really gay, wow, you’re pretty good; you’re either an incredible psychic or Vulcans really do exist; otherwise, how the fuck would you know? How could you know? How is it even possible for you to know? Why are you even asking questions that you don’t want to hear the answers to in the first place – does that make any sense?
And if I tell you the truth and you still refuse to believe it, hmm, I’m not the one with the problem: You are.
“How do you know that you’re bisexual?”
“Um, it’s probably because I’ve sucked more dick than most women I know and have had more than my share of pussy – and sometimes both at the same time.”
“That doesn’t prove shit – you could be lying and trying to cover up the fact that you’re really gay!”
“Yeah, I could be but if you really want me to prove it, let me see your dick for a moment – can you call your old lady and tell her to come over?”
“Uh, nah, that’s okay…”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought…”
Yes, indeedy, I have had conversations like the one you just read. I’ve learned that if you ask the doubters to put up or shut up, they tend to shut up. Of course, you can’t do that for every doubter you may come across – but you can find some pretty creative ways to suggest that if they really wanna know, they should find out for themselves and if they get pissed because you suggested this, it’s their fault for asking the question in the first place. There’s no reason to put up your dukes or get into pissing contests about it. You want validation? That can be arranged, you know…
This is my bisexual rant for the day!
18 July 2014 at 17:12
Seriously wtf?! I am aghast. This makes me want to laugh hysterically and punch something at the same time.
It comes down to “never underestimate the stupidity of the human race, and you will never be surprised.”
20 July 2014 at 06:40
File this under “excellent response to heteronormative bullshit”
Good job 🙂
20 July 2014 at 16:57
It surprises me how many walls I come up against too, that I’m a woman and “can’t be… Really? Uh… Are you sure?”
20 July 2014 at 17:08
Uh, no, they can’t be sure… unless they’ve been there themselves and they either haven’t or they’re unwilling to admit it.
Sure, you can read a bunch of stuff about being bisexual… but if you’ve never walked the walk, you really don’t get what it all means, the joys of it, or even the pitfalls one can stumble across.
21 July 2014 at 05:27
It still irks me that when I told one person that I was bi, his first response was, “No, you’re not.” How dare he presume to tell me what I am? Then it was, “Until you’ve had sex with a woman, you aren’t bi”. Just because I’m a virgin where that is concerned, doesn’t mean a thing. I still sort of think that his reaction was because he felt threatened by the idea.
22 July 2014 at 00:26
We have no need to defend ourselves 🙂 only explore who we are