I was going through my emails and saw someone from someone who’s not been blogging a lot here of late – Depressed & Confused – and since he’s not allowing comments on his blog any longer, Sean, this one’s for you.
When I read what you wrote, it reminded me so very much of my relationship with a guy and the moments when he’d practically melt down when I didn’t want to have sex with him. Sure, in the initial rush of our relationship, it was going hot and heavy as one might expect but just like in any relationship, at some point, the sex goes from warp speed to sublight because mostly life gets in the way and you really kinda learn that you and your partner really aren’t exactly and precisely on the same page with each other when it comes to sex and when it should take place.
It happens. Sadly, I guess, I’ve been the guy who has had to listen to his male partner ask why the sex has dropped off and the usual questions that comes along with this discussion, questions that I’ll admit used to make me a little angry because they presumed some things that weren’t true… but at least I was willing to set the record straight when asked. It was never because I was displeased with him or didn’t love him – I just had other things that required my attention and things that would shove having sex a little further down the list, nothing more, nothing less.
My gay roommate in the Air Force used to make me insane with this subject – and we weren’t even in a relationship even though we shared an apartment. We were lovers, sure, and when we first started having sex with each other, it was hot, heavy, and crazily beyond anything either of us had ever experienced (at that point in our lives). But at some point – and no one seems to know exactly why it happens – the newness of it all just wears off. I learned that the more either one of these guys said something to me about it, well, it kinda pissed me off because if you keep asking me about it – and they both did on a too-regular basis – and I kept explaining it as best I could, why keep asking me when the answer is going to be the same? And, yes, the more they asked, the less I wanted to answer or even listen to it.
Oddly enough – or, rather, naturally enough – this happens when you’re in a relationship with a woman so the “problem” is kinda universal. If there is a real problem, it’s when this happens and you can’t get an answer of any kind from your partner and it’s just my opinion that this is serious but it can put you into a bit of a bind: Is there really something wrong in the relationship or is the partner doing the asking reading too much into the situation? I’d say that one would have to take into consideration many factors, like, is the “neglecting” partner going through some shit at work that has them rather occupied? Got some other things going on with them that you might not know about that has pushed sex to the back of the bus?
The key to this is being patient but also trying to coax the partner into answering – and that’s not always easy. While you’re trying to get them to answer, you can take a moment and check yourself out to make sure that you’re not doing or saying anything that could be the cause of this although, yeah, if you keep asking about it, that could result in this situation. I’ve found that it results in a couple of things: The drought will continue and simply because you want me to do something that, for some reason, I don’t feel like doing or if the sex cranks back up, it’s because that’s the only way to stop the discussion… but the intimacy that was present in the beginning might be a lot less – I’m doing it not because I want to but, honestly, to shut you the hell up about it and, as you might guess, this is not a good thing when in a relationship.
When I read what you wrote, I thought that you can’t say that you’re not all about the sex – but then complain about the lack of sex; most people would think that this is a contradiction, that what you say about it and what you’re doing about it are, clearly, not the same thing because someone who wasn’t all about the sex wouldn’t be trying to find out where the sex got to and why it fell off the table – and then guess what they’re gonna think? Yep, that you’re “too sexual” or otherwise over-sexed, that your sex drive is higher and more persistent than what your words say in not being all about the sex. I get it, Sean, and more so when the sex with them is so damned good and fulfilling – you just want it from them all of the time and when it’s happening, it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread… but when it goes away, yeah, that’s pretty fucked up.
Just my two cents, Sean. Yeah, you have to investigate the situation but you also have to be able to do it in a way that’s not going to put additional stress into a situation that’s already stressful.