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Do You Ever Wonder Why?

03 Aug

So… Dragonfly918 commented on “Give Us a Fucking Break, Will Ya?” and said that she often wishes she were bi and I asked her what was stopping her from coming over to the bi side.  She said – and in part:

“I’ve tried it. It’s not a turn on for me–it’s a chore. I figure if I was bi, eating pussy or sucking on tits would turn me on as much as sucking cock does. It’s as sexually exciting to me as cleaning a toilet.”

Have you ever wondered why this is?  I’ve always been amazed at people and how we, on the whole, have that remarkable ability to not like something that we’ve never experienced and, yes, I know there are some things that should be disliked without having to experience them so let’s not go there, okay?  The key word in Dragonfly’s answer to my question – and I do thank her for answering it, by the way – is “chore” and it’s no secret that anything that’s too much like work isn’t usually someone’s idea of fun.  So I kinda asked myself what Dragonfly would have to do in order to be turned on by it and, as such, have fun and find pleasure with a woman’s body.  Oh, yeah, bi isn’t just a thing to do – it’s a way to be/think so that’s kinda helpful.

I had said to her that if this isn’t something that just comes naturally to you, you have to learn how to be turned on by it… and it’s not an easy thing to do because once we get it into our heads that we don’t like something, it’s kinda difficult to convince yourself to change your mind; once you see it as a chore, you’ve already shot yourself in the foot.  Lord knows how many guys I’ve talked to about this stuff and how many guys I’ve heard say that they couldn’t blow another dude, let alone touch his dick – but it’s something that they’ve never actually tried to do and, as I kinda deduced, their reluctance is based on other things, like, being told that dudes ain’t supposed to be doing stuff like that and, of course, hearing all kinds of horror stories from one’s peers, providing the guy with enough information – real or fictional doesn’t matter – for him to say, nah, I couldn’t do some shit like that.

And I’ve had some of those same guys sucking my dick and liking it because they learned that doing it wasn’t as bad as they were led to believe.  Funny how that works, huh?  Truth versus perception and, as is our habit, perception usually wins out… but not always.

So back to Dragonfly.  I’d say that she first would have to get the idea of it being a chore out of her head and somehow redirect her mindset to think about the sex and not so much about the fact that there’s a woman lying there waiting for her to nibble on her nipples or to give her pussy a good and thorough licking.  I know this is a hard thing for some people to do just like I know that it can be done… if the person wants to, which is the other key to this.  Yeah, I know – once we decide that something is as sexually exciting as cleaning a toilet, we’re just not ever gonna find reason to change our minds about it but if this is something someone must learn to be sexually exciting, they first have to want it to be exciting and be willing to let themselves go long enough to discover just how sexually exciting it can be.

The way one thinks about sexual pleasure plays heavily into this – man, the psychology involved in this is staggering – and while we all have our preferences for this and that, we do behave as if it’s not possible for us to learn how to find sexual pleasure doing something else or, in Dragonfly’s case, find the pleasure in something she’s done before.  I’m not totally sure that one’s straight orientation plays into to this a whole lot – it does but since I know straight people who have found the joy of crossing over to the bi side, this is why I said what I said and, yes, I could be wrong.

Now, I gotta mention that Dragonfly came back to me and said that repetition wasn’t going to make her like eating pussy and, oh, yeah, she said it was gross, too.  Yep, it is gross when you really stop to think about it… but repetition is never going to improve the situation if one’s mindset about what they’re doing doesn’t change… including getting past the grossness involved in eating pussy.  I mean, seriously, there is a reason why you just wanna yak the first time you eat pussy but depending on whether or not you can get your head into it, you tend to kinda overlook the fact that it might start out clean but by the time you get finished eating it, well, yeah – only the very brave are gonna want to kiss you after the fact.  There’s a similar grossness in sucking dick, too, but those of us who love to suck dick tend not to pay much attention to this unless there’s a reason to, don’t we?

Now, of course, I’m not suggesting that Dragonfly or anyone else do their best to get sexually into this – you handle your bizness in the way you do it – but I have often wondered why this happens?  It’s that bit of craziness that we see a lot of, you know, where some dude is insisting that his woman suck his dick… but he’s not willing to eat that pussy because, oh, yeah, that’s right – it’s gross.  Or the reverse where a woman will tell you in no uncertain terms that you’d better eat that pussy… but you’d better not even look like asking her to suck your dick, let alone suck you off.  This is a double standard that not only drives people nuts but has been directly responsible for trashing quite a few relationships because there’s just something inherently wrong to insist that someone do something that you aren’t willing to do.

I know that in some instances of this, a person can have a bad experience with it… and in their minds, it will forever be bad and something to be disliked and never done again.  I’ve often wondered if people in this situation have ever thought that perhaps it wasn’t the act that was bad – it was the person you were doing it with; I’ve wondered if it’s ever crossed their mind that just because it was bad that time doesn’t mean it will always be bad – but this is how we think, isn’t it?  I know guys who have tried sucking dick and have said that it just wasn’t for them and I’ve asked them, “Well, what exactly were you expecting?”  Again, unless it just comes naturally to you, you have to learn how to like it… provided you really want to learn how to like it… and, sure enough, some people just don’t wanna be bothered with shifting their mindset around ’cause it’s just not worth the internal aggravation.

Their answer to my question?  They usually shrug or say that they don’t know what they were expecting – they just know they didn’t like it.  I don’t hate on people who of this mindset… I just wonder what is it that’s going on in their head to cause such a reaction.  I’ve learned from the reactions of others that, yeah, you just gotta get past the “yuck factor” and all of the stuff we’re told about not doing such things; I’ve learned that if you go about trying to do this and, subconsciously – or even consciously – you’ve decided that you’re not gonna like doing it, well, then you’re not ever going to like doing it and if you do happen to keep doing it – and, yes, this does happen – you’re always going to see it as a chore instead of yet another form of sexual stimulation.  Even going way back to the first time I ate pussy, I’m pretty sure that my curiosity about it overrode the yuck factor long enough for me to find out just why in the hell I was told to never do what I was about to do, since it appeared to be such a bad thing to do… and, wow, this ain’t bad at all!

At one point, yeah, eating pussy and sucking dick started to feel like a chore to me – it’s not all that difficult to see how it can happen – and I think the way I got myself out of that mindset was to remember what it was I loved about doing either thing and, well, since I was well on my way to eventually receiving my Dirty Old Man certification and I loved sexually stimulating things so much, I was able to get myself out of the doldrums.  I had to remember that doing these things just wasn’t about the person I was doing it to as much as it was doing something that I found or even learned to be sexually pleasing to me.  This is how I know that it’s not easy to redirect your thinking once it gets into that “I don’t like this” space; my own redirection actually took me a couple of years to complete because I was doing it while still doing my “chores” – stopping them until I got my head screwed back on correctly was out of the question.

Ah, man, I just love thinking about this stuff!  My thanks go out to Dragonfly918 for being a good sport and letting me pick on her a little and to use her words as inspiration for this writing.  Again and forever, no one has to cross over to the bi side if they don’t want to but, yeah, if someone can’t or doesn’t want to, I’m the guy who’ll ask the question of why this is because, believe it or not, this plays into understanding bisexuality as a whole and at individual levels.  It’s kinda not enough to know and understand why someone won’t give it a shot; it’s all about what it is that will make someone change their mind about it or even how (or why) they can change their thinking from such thing being a chore to it being a damned sexy thing to do, not only for the person you’re doing it to but for yourself as well.

 

 
12 Comments

Posted by on 3 August 2014 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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12 responses to “Do You Ever Wonder Why?

  1. Pyx

    3 August 2014 at 16:30

    HA! I love her response, regardless of orientation any sex can feel like a chore. I truly believed that it was about the person I was with, it has some part to play for sure, but once you have tried something with someone and do it again with someone else and it just doesn’t do it for you – why force it? There are so many things in life we do, that we dont like, because we have too and sex seems to be that one area in which we are in full control off.

    I don’t know, I guess telling someone to keep at it would be like telling a bisexual person to just keep off the same sex part and they will become straight ‘if you stop sucking cock you won’t be bisexual anymore’ but I am certainly going to take a look at her entry because I am curious to find out under what pretext her same sex experience happened. Does it make a difference if we were trying something because our partner wanted us too, did we try it on our own with an individual, and what sort of sexual pressure we put ourselves under.

    As a woman that enjoys being with some women there is a misconception that I will fuck or like all women – not so. Like cock, pussy is attached to a whole being and some girls are more than happy to take it for what it is but when it is as exciting as cleaning a toilet you kind of have to respect a person for saying it is just not my thing.

    I bet she has some sparkly clean ceramic pots in her place! lol

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • kdaddy23

      3 August 2014 at 16:36

      Again, my condolences for your loss, Pyx and, yeah, I loved her response, too. No, no one should ever force themselves to change, of course, but if one wants to change, working at it is indicated, wouldn’t you agree?

      Yeah, it does make a difference if you’re doing it to please a partner or doing it for your own gratification – it is a HUGE fucking difference and, personally, I’m not a fan of that: If you’re gonna do it, do it because you want and like to do it and not just because it’ll make me happy and then even more so if I have some reluctance about doing things simply because they would make you happy.

      I respect everyone who says it ain’t their thing – I just wanna know why it isn’t because the way people approach things sexual just fascinates the daylights out of me and I can always learn a few things because I don’t believe in TMI.

      We should now get Dragonfly to tell us about her ceramic pots and what condition they’re in…

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      • dragonfly918

        3 August 2014 at 22:09

        LOL my pots are clean enough, but not obsessively so.

        I also don’t believe in TMI, especially in this sort of forum. Well, I don’t talk like this to everyone… not everyone can take it.

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      • kdaddy23

        3 August 2014 at 22:30

        Yep, not everyone can which is why I so very much appreciate your candor.

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    • dragonfly918

      3 August 2014 at 21:44

      To assuage your curiosity, dear, my first encounter with lady parts happened early on in my marriage when we had friends over to stay the night, and we got drunk (of course!) and things got out of hand lol. I was young and my husband was still randy, and I wanted to try everything at the time, and was very curious to see what it was like. At first it was parallel sex, and then it got more experimental. The men of course wanted to see us women get it on and I was willing, and so was she. But it went downhill from there. The smell was “wrong”, the soft, pliant wet skin felt “wrong.” I couldn’t finish. The only way I can describe it, was like looking forward to chocolate pudding and being served mud.

      Yes, I’ve been told, maybe it was the woman, the circumstances, etc., but I liked the woman, she didn’t smell bad or anything, and I was fully curious and willing, not being forced at all.

      I can’t help it! I love cock!

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  2. Olly

    3 August 2014 at 19:04

    It’s also possible she may be biromantic?

    But I do agree, perhaps she hasn’t really considered that sex isn’t one of those things that just comes naturally. I think we can forget the terror of becoming intimately acquainted with a body that isn’t your own.

    It’s funny, I found sleeping with girls easier because I figured I’d start with what I liked and hoped they liked it to. Guys bodies were a whole new terrifying terrain and going down on a guy took quite a bit of mental prep on my part. Sex can be a sticky business, no matter how you identify.

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    • dragonfly918

      3 August 2014 at 22:06

      Sex doesn’t come naturally?? I don’t know about that. It’s one of the basic functions of the human body, next to eating and shitting. If it feels unnatural, then maybe there’s other issues at play. For myself, the first time I was given free access to a man’s body, I was like a duck to water. And there was nothing I’d felt, other than the aforementioned bodily functions, that didn’t feel as completely natural and satisfying than having a cock inside me, or in my mouth. It was pure delight. So from that experience, when being with a woman felt “wrong”, I went with my gut instinct.

      Maybe I’m an aberration in that sense, I don’t know. I’ve been told I’m a strange kinda chick, even by other women. I tend to think more like a man, at least about sex, than most women. Now there’s a topic for discussion!

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      • kdaddy23

        3 August 2014 at 22:28

        I know what she meant and, yeah, some things you actually do have to learn; you have to learn how to do it but you also have to learn how to like whatever it is you’re doing. Sure, the drive for sex is there – we’re all born to do it – but if something feels “unnatural” – why do you think it feels that way? That’s why I write stuff like this and ask questions because I really wanna know. Sure, I could go back to college and find out… like I really want to do that again. We learn from each other and while books are nice and all that, there’s more valuable data in asking someone why they feel the way they do about something.

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  3. dragonfly918

    3 August 2014 at 21:53

    Love this stuff! You’ve given me a lot to think about, and I will give it consideration. I cannot of course, guarantee that I will now go out and eat pussy to prove either of us right lol. I know it’s not about being right or wrong, especially regarding sexuality, since there are infinite variations of sexual attraction in the human animal, but about the discussion, and the endless journey of self-awareness and discovery we must travel, or else be locked in a mental prison.

    Thank YOU kdaddy, for letting my words inspire you to more of that.

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      3 August 2014 at 22:21

      Nah, thank you, Dragonfly, for your gracious participation! All too often, we take stuff like this for granted: This is the way it’s always been, so this is the way it should always be and, yeah, sometimes, this is the ONLY way things should be.

      And it isn’t – it never was. A lot of this has a lot to do with your views on sex, what it means to you, and how great of a sense of adventure you have, you know, that willingness – and even eagerness – to expand your boundaries and test the very deep waters sex has to offer and more so if someone’s the type of person who might ask themselves, “What else can I do?”

      Aw, I’m not asking for any guarantees – I certainly don’t have the right to. But, I’m not beyond making people think about these things because it’s only when we can engage in dialog about it that we can understand stuff – even if we really find out that we don’t like it. Hell, I’m bisexual – and I’m always asking myself what more do I feel like getting into!

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      • dragonfly918

        3 August 2014 at 23:45

        it is one of the great ironies in my life that being brought up in a repressive Catholic household, sex was never mentioned in my house, either as a good thing or a bad thing. It didn’t exist. So I didn’t grow up with any twisted ideas about sex being bad or perverted. I didn’t even know what homosexuality existed, let alone what it was, until I was an adult. By then I had had my own sexual experiences that were pretty good, considering I didn’t know what I was doing at first. Yes, it’s all learned behavior, but the desire was very strong, and I had the benefit of newbie enthusiasm.

        Maybe I am deluding myself regarding my sexual orientation, I will bring it up to my psychologist next session, but I think I have a very open-minded view of sex in general (My god, after all I’ve done and seen the past year, I should think so.) so I really think it’s about basic physical attraction. For example, lots of women swoon over Brad Pitt. I can appreciate his good looks, but I look at him and I hear crickets chirping. He’s that boring to me. You might ask “Oh but would you kick him out of your bed if he showed up there??” Well, I’d be freaked out, first of all lol, and I just may. Depending if I was horny enough. I have to admit though, that I have had sex with men I wasn’t that attracted to in general, but they were a convenient cock and I was, well, horny. LOL. Yes, I use men for my pleasure without taking them into consideration as people. But it’s mutually beneficial and consent is given all around.

        So if, let’s say, Bridget Regan (she was in a short-lived fantasy TV show that I loved), who is one of the only actresses I’ve ever thought was HOT (she had her very own fan site for her character called “Gay For Kahlan”), showed up in my bed, naked and willing, would I? After having a having a transcendental geek freak-out, I would probably just open a bottle of booze and pick her brains all night about the show, and ask did she ever fuck her co-star Craig Horner, who is mind-meltingly hot.

        So who knows? If I was desperately horny enough, and drunk enough, would I have sex with a woman if I found her really attractive? I don’t know. Only time will tell, and you’ll be the first to find out, kdaddy!

        Like

         
  4. ellendolfan

    4 August 2014 at 21:05

    I used to say that looking at women turned me on, but it made me want a man, not to have sex with a woman. But then J came along. He told me that oral sex from him would change my life. I never had sex from him, but that comment literally changed my life. I finally had to admit to myself that women turned me on, and I want to be with one. I probably will never be with a woman, but at least now I can be honest, and admit that I’m bi.

    Like

     

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