So… Dragonfly918 commented on “Give Us a Fucking Break, Will Ya?” and said that she often wishes she were bi and I asked her what was stopping her from coming over to the bi side. She said – and in part:
“I’ve tried it. It’s not a turn on for me–it’s a chore. I figure if I was bi, eating pussy or sucking on tits would turn me on as much as sucking cock does. It’s as sexually exciting to me as cleaning a toilet.”
Have you ever wondered why this is? I’ve always been amazed at people and how we, on the whole, have that remarkable ability to not like something that we’ve never experienced and, yes, I know there are some things that should be disliked without having to experience them so let’s not go there, okay? The key word in Dragonfly’s answer to my question – and I do thank her for answering it, by the way – is “chore” and it’s no secret that anything that’s too much like work isn’t usually someone’s idea of fun. So I kinda asked myself what Dragonfly would have to do in order to be turned on by it and, as such, have fun and find pleasure with a woman’s body. Oh, yeah, bi isn’t just a thing to do – it’s a way to be/think so that’s kinda helpful.
I had said to her that if this isn’t something that just comes naturally to you, you have to learn how to be turned on by it… and it’s not an easy thing to do because once we get it into our heads that we don’t like something, it’s kinda difficult to convince yourself to change your mind; once you see it as a chore, you’ve already shot yourself in the foot. Lord knows how many guys I’ve talked to about this stuff and how many guys I’ve heard say that they couldn’t blow another dude, let alone touch his dick – but it’s something that they’ve never actually tried to do and, as I kinda deduced, their reluctance is based on other things, like, being told that dudes ain’t supposed to be doing stuff like that and, of course, hearing all kinds of horror stories from one’s peers, providing the guy with enough information – real or fictional doesn’t matter – for him to say, nah, I couldn’t do some shit like that.
And I’ve had some of those same guys sucking my dick and liking it because they learned that doing it wasn’t as bad as they were led to believe. Funny how that works, huh? Truth versus perception and, as is our habit, perception usually wins out… but not always.
So back to Dragonfly. I’d say that she first would have to get the idea of it being a chore out of her head and somehow redirect her mindset to think about the sex and not so much about the fact that there’s a woman lying there waiting for her to nibble on her nipples or to give her pussy a good and thorough licking. I know this is a hard thing for some people to do just like I know that it can be done… if the person wants to, which is the other key to this. Yeah, I know – once we decide that something is as sexually exciting as cleaning a toilet, we’re just not ever gonna find reason to change our minds about it but if this is something someone must learn to be sexually exciting, they first have to want it to be exciting and be willing to let themselves go long enough to discover just how sexually exciting it can be.
The way one thinks about sexual pleasure plays heavily into this – man, the psychology involved in this is staggering – and while we all have our preferences for this and that, we do behave as if it’s not possible for us to learn how to find sexual pleasure doing something else or, in Dragonfly’s case, find the pleasure in something she’s done before. I’m not totally sure that one’s straight orientation plays into to this a whole lot – it does but since I know straight people who have found the joy of crossing over to the bi side, this is why I said what I said and, yes, I could be wrong.
Now, I gotta mention that Dragonfly came back to me and said that repetition wasn’t going to make her like eating pussy and, oh, yeah, she said it was gross, too. Yep, it is gross when you really stop to think about it… but repetition is never going to improve the situation if one’s mindset about what they’re doing doesn’t change… including getting past the grossness involved in eating pussy. I mean, seriously, there is a reason why you just wanna yak the first time you eat pussy but depending on whether or not you can get your head into it, you tend to kinda overlook the fact that it might start out clean but by the time you get finished eating it, well, yeah – only the very brave are gonna want to kiss you after the fact. There’s a similar grossness in sucking dick, too, but those of us who love to suck dick tend not to pay much attention to this unless there’s a reason to, don’t we?
Now, of course, I’m not suggesting that Dragonfly or anyone else do their best to get sexually into this – you handle your bizness in the way you do it – but I have often wondered why this happens? It’s that bit of craziness that we see a lot of, you know, where some dude is insisting that his woman suck his dick… but he’s not willing to eat that pussy because, oh, yeah, that’s right – it’s gross. Or the reverse where a woman will tell you in no uncertain terms that you’d better eat that pussy… but you’d better not even look like asking her to suck your dick, let alone suck you off. This is a double standard that not only drives people nuts but has been directly responsible for trashing quite a few relationships because there’s just something inherently wrong to insist that someone do something that you aren’t willing to do.
I know that in some instances of this, a person can have a bad experience with it… and in their minds, it will forever be bad and something to be disliked and never done again. I’ve often wondered if people in this situation have ever thought that perhaps it wasn’t the act that was bad – it was the person you were doing it with; I’ve wondered if it’s ever crossed their mind that just because it was bad that time doesn’t mean it will always be bad – but this is how we think, isn’t it? I know guys who have tried sucking dick and have said that it just wasn’t for them and I’ve asked them, “Well, what exactly were you expecting?” Again, unless it just comes naturally to you, you have to learn how to like it… provided you really want to learn how to like it… and, sure enough, some people just don’t wanna be bothered with shifting their mindset around ’cause it’s just not worth the internal aggravation.
Their answer to my question? They usually shrug or say that they don’t know what they were expecting – they just know they didn’t like it. I don’t hate on people who of this mindset… I just wonder what is it that’s going on in their head to cause such a reaction. I’ve learned from the reactions of others that, yeah, you just gotta get past the “yuck factor” and all of the stuff we’re told about not doing such things; I’ve learned that if you go about trying to do this and, subconsciously – or even consciously – you’ve decided that you’re not gonna like doing it, well, then you’re not ever going to like doing it and if you do happen to keep doing it – and, yes, this does happen – you’re always going to see it as a chore instead of yet another form of sexual stimulation. Even going way back to the first time I ate pussy, I’m pretty sure that my curiosity about it overrode the yuck factor long enough for me to find out just why in the hell I was told to never do what I was about to do, since it appeared to be such a bad thing to do… and, wow, this ain’t bad at all!
At one point, yeah, eating pussy and sucking dick started to feel like a chore to me – it’s not all that difficult to see how it can happen – and I think the way I got myself out of that mindset was to remember what it was I loved about doing either thing and, well, since I was well on my way to eventually receiving my Dirty Old Man certification and I loved sexually stimulating things so much, I was able to get myself out of the doldrums. I had to remember that doing these things just wasn’t about the person I was doing it to as much as it was doing something that I found or even learned to be sexually pleasing to me. This is how I know that it’s not easy to redirect your thinking once it gets into that “I don’t like this” space; my own redirection actually took me a couple of years to complete because I was doing it while still doing my “chores” – stopping them until I got my head screwed back on correctly was out of the question.
Ah, man, I just love thinking about this stuff! My thanks go out to Dragonfly918 for being a good sport and letting me pick on her a little and to use her words as inspiration for this writing. Again and forever, no one has to cross over to the bi side if they don’t want to but, yeah, if someone can’t or doesn’t want to, I’m the guy who’ll ask the question of why this is because, believe it or not, this plays into understanding bisexuality as a whole and at individual levels. It’s kinda not enough to know and understand why someone won’t give it a shot; it’s all about what it is that will make someone change their mind about it or even how (or why) they can change their thinking from such thing being a chore to it being a damned sexy thing to do, not only for the person you’re doing it to but for yourself as well.