I just got finished reading and commenting on AssentivelyYours’ latest blog (http://assentive.wordpress.com/2014/08/13/is-today-straight-me-or-gay-me/) and the things he was talking about took me back to the moments in my life when the gay side of me had me feeling like a little bitch.
A lot of people use this term in a derogatory way and it’s a great insult to men because it implies that instead of acting like a strong, macho man, they’re behaving like a girl – and I don’t mean any offense to any women reading this – I’m just telling it like it is. But the term is rather apt if/when a bi guy gets to the point in his “gay side” behavior and he knows what it feels like to be a woman because he’s fully accepted that he’s a bottom and owns the female-submissive role in sex or as I did when I was being fucked rather nicely by a guy back in the crazy days.
I’m not sure I really know how to explain this feeling but I’ll give it a try. I’ve said that there was a time in my life where I just seriously enjoyed being fucked and I guess that before the experience I’ll be telling you about shortly, I never thought about that whole masculine-dominant/female-submissive thing because I didn’t know it existed; all I knew, all that I paid attention to was that it felt good to be fucked and that, yeah, sometimes it was just a matter of quid pro quo; the other guy would give up his ass and giving mine up, while not really expected, was the right and fair thing to do. And it was really all good right up until the day when I was talking with this guy and we learned that we both liked dick and now the only thing to do was to go somewhere and have sex with each other.
We went half on a motel room, got inside and showered together, letting the heat of the water – and the heat of the sexual tension that was building between us – get us nice and relaxed (as well as squeaky clean). We dried each other off and without further ado, hit the bed and got right into a 69 that resulted in us creaming each other’s tonsils. Now, at that point, I was a happy camper and not really hoping that he’d want to fuck me or that he’d want to be fucked but I also knew that I wouldn’t say no if he mentioned it and he did mention it. We actually flipped a coin to see who would be fucked first and, humorously, I called tails and it came up tails. I prepared my dick and his hole and slid into him kinda easily and despite what some people might think today, I can recall this moment and can say that even though I was doing something gay, I felt rather manly as I fucked this guy’s ass and filled his butt with spunk.
A small break to do some cleaning up and some delicious minutes sucking his cock into hardness, and it was my turn to be on the receiving end and from the moment he started to push his lubricated cock into my lubricated hole, I knew that it was gonna feel good… and it felt really good and somewhere during the time he was inside me, I knew – I finally realized how women must feel when they’re being fucked. This is the hard to explain part: He’s fucking me and I felt… so girly. Not because he had me moaning and groaning but there was just something that clicked in my head that just took my masculinity and set it aside and replaced it with what I can only say was a pure, feminine feeling; I mean, shit, I knew I was a guy but as this dude fucked me, I sure as hell didn’t feel like one.
I can’t say that at the moment this hit me, it was a particularly bad thing and, admittedly, I didn’t bother to examine this… thing that happened until after we parted company. He fucked me and creamed me pretty good and my satisfaction level was right where I kinda expected it to be. More cleaning up and we spent the rest of the time sucking each other off before riding off into our separate sunsets, as it were. However, as I was driving home, it fucking hit me like a ton of bricks when my mind started examining that moment of feeling… womanly, for lack of any other word that makes sense. It wasn’t exactly a bad feeling… but it didn’t feel good either and I think, today, it was because I didn’t understand what it was I was feeling or why I felt that way. I chalked it up to “one of those things” and kinda forgot about it until the next time a guy was fucking me and, uh-oh, there’s that feeling again but this time, it definitely wasn’t a good thing to feel.
Some guys can get pretty rough when they fuck you and I suppose it’s because for some reason, we believe that if we don’t give it to them good and hard, that would be a bad thing. But this guy wasn’t as rough as some men I had experienced… but he really did have me feeling like a little bitch and, again, it didn’t feel good at all. It make me feel sick right down to the very core of me and so much that I couldn’t enjoy the sensations of being fucked. I felt… helpless and perhaps even “at his mercy” would be a better descriptor – I’m telling ya, this is really fucking hard to explain. I didn’t feel manly at all; I didn’t feel abused in any way; that would have triggered a very aggressive response from me. This wasn’t like the times when I’d been fucked and I’m lying there fervently wishing he’d hurry up and cum and get this over with; no, this was something I’d experienced just a couple of weeks ago and even then it was as different as it felt, I dunno, familiar? I recognized the feeling from the last time and I now know that one of the reasons why I didn’t enjoy being fucked was because my mind was totally focused on this “bitchy” feel that pervaded me and, uh-huh, the fact that I didn’t like it one goddamned bit.
He busted his nut, withdrew, said something to me that I wasn’t really listening to, and then he went down on me again and just like that, the bitchy feeling just vanished except for the echo of the feeling that I knew I would be examining in greater detail as soon as we got done with each other. I remember him sucking me off (again) and we were both getting cleaned up and even discussing whether or not I had enough left to fuck him. That yucky, “feeling like a little bitch” feeling was still there in the background and it was disturbing even as I drove my cock into him and spent some actually delicious moments watching my dick going in and out of his butt as I did him doggy-style; ah, um, well, we’re just some visual creatures when it comes to this so, no, that yucky feeling couldn’t overcome this particular sight.
I creamed him, we cleaned up, thanked each other for a good time – but my sentiments felt as if I were lying about that and because of the way I was feeling deep down inside – and I went home and he went wherever the fuck he was going. I had time to think about feeling this twice, thinking long into the night and even into the early morning hours trying to figure out what had made me feel this way and why the two occurrences were so damned different; one made me feel kinda good, the other made me feel like I wanted to throw up all over the place. And, my friends, as I write this today, I still don’t know what really happened and no matter how many times I went over both situations and examined every little detail of the experiences, I just wasn’t able to figure it out but when I kinda/sorta gave up trying to figure it out – yeah, it was really fucking with me and keeping me awake as well as giving me headaches – I remember saying to myself, “So this is how women can feel when we’re fucking them?”
It made me become more observant and especially when I was just sucking dick because I wanted to know if that feeling could appear when giving head or did it just show up when being fucked? And you know that because I was now investigating this, it never happened again. Oh, sure, I still had those moments of “regret” when I’d be sucking or being fucked by a guy and the sex was so “shitty” that I wanted it to be over with… but it made me realize that, yeah, this is how women can feel, too, and my mind, being the efficient thing it was back then, could pick out those moments when I’m humping away and she’s wanting me to get this over with, not really as much as I wasn’t making her feel good but, perhaps, because of just how she was feeling about it.
I spent quite a few years thinking about this off and on, observing not only my behavior that of the people I was having sex with… and I learned some shit, too, and it’s stuff that at least in my opinion, you cannot really get your head around until you’ve been fucked by a guy. I’m not saying the fella have to or should do this; I’m just saying that you really don’t get to understand why women behave the way they do about sex or how they can go from lava-hot to iceberg-cold in the blink of an eye.
Having had those two experiences, I know that it played into my dislike of being called “baby” and, yeah, even “bitch” during sex with men; that it never bothered me when women said these things is still a mystery to me; shit, they could call me everything except a child of God and I never got upset by any of it… but let a man call me baby or a bitch and, ooh, that would put me on the edge of immediate violence so fast it would scare me and, going forward, learn to just say to them, “Don’t call me that, okay?” Now, here’s the real question: Was this because twice in my life, I felt like a little bitch? I think that, at least subconsciously, yeah, that’s why I’d behave in such a negative way hearing these words. I even asked myself if that “feeling like a little bitch” had anything to do with me swearing off being fucked but, no, that was just a matter of me deciding at a really weird moment that being fucked wasn’t as much fun as it used to be.
I don’t know if this makes any sense because it’s so hard for me to put into words things that are more intangible impressions in my mind than what one would call actual thought. Today, I understand the whole top/bottom thing, that some bi men are 100% masculine when being straight but can be, to some degree, a little bitch – and I don’t mean this in a bad way. I’m not even saying that this is a bad way to feel if you’re a bi guy because it’s all about how you’d want to feel when getting with a guy; I just know I felt it twice: Once I kinda liked it, once I couldn’t stand it. I don’t know why; I don’t know what either of us did in either of the situations to make me feel the way I did. I knew it was different from the “I made a mistake by wanting to have sex with this guy” feeling but I believe that those two events were directly responsible for me getting more in touch with my feminine side, literally and figuratively in those moments.
They were the events that made me very much aware of what we, as men, put women through when we have sex with them and that it can make us understand their behavior a bit more and even why there are bottom guys who, by “choice” really like to embrace the woman’s role in sex, whether it’s sucking dick or being fucked. You always hear me writing, “Those of you who have never sucked dick or never been fucked might not understand this…” and, yeah, that’s one of the things I learned, that until you really do walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, you really don’t understand what’s going on with them when it comes to this.
What I understand is that there’s a certain… pleasure in being taken just as I understand there’s a certain “disgust” that can be felt when being taken and I don’t pretend to understand the mechanisms that must be in play if/when someone feels like a little bitch. While I’ve had guys make me wish I hadn’t agreed to suck their dick, I’ve never felt ‘feminine’ doing it and, nope, I don’t have an explanation for this even though I am very much aware that, again, there are many people who’d call me a little bitch (and maybe not to my face) because I love to do something that, historically, has supposedly been just a woman’s thing to do, just like it’s always been a woman’s thing to do where being fucked was concerned. It’s not that hard to figure out where the derogatory connotation came from… but what makes a guy feel that way when he’s with another man?
Damned if I know…