“How Do I…?”

19 Aug

Of all the questions I’ve been asked about bisexuality – and from people who are curious, haven’t taken the plunge yet, or almost right after they’ve jumped into the deep end – is, “How do I…?”

It’s a hard question to answer without knowing a few things about the person, like, what they’d want to do and, importantly, if they’re able to do whatever because bisexuals – budding or otherwise – in a relationship are usually severely “cunt-blocked” from doing anything regarding their sexuality.  They say it’s bad form to answer a question with a question but I’ve almost always respond to the “How do I…?” question with, “What do you want to do?”

I’ve had guys ask me how to suck dick, how to find someone else who’s like them (but not particularly me); how do they tell someone about this?  Who should they tell?  Should they have anal sex?  Is it okay for men to kiss and cuddle?  How do I go about being bisexual?  Sometimes, I’m not really much help in the way of being an example since I pretty much dove head-first into the deep end and without giving it any thought, not that I knew what I should have been thinking of.  I know how I’ve addressed the many “How do I…?” questions I asked myself but, as I’ve learned, my answers and even the way I went about getting them will surely vary because despite what people are led to believe, not all bisexuals are the same in their approach to bisexuality or even the sex.

If this were true, shit, it would be a no-brainer to figure out how to do this, that, or the other, right?  I’ve said to them, “You have to decide what’s gonna be good for you in this…” and it just sounds so fucking lame to my own ears; it’s an answer, even a given, but it doesn’t explain a whole lot, does it?  I’ve recognized this… lack of information and have further said, “You have to ask yourself a lot of questions about anything you want to do and then do your best to get the answers.”  Again, this is on the real because being bisexual is as much a cerebral activity as it can be a sexual one; you have to think about what you want to do, why you want to do it, how something can be done – and should it be done; you even have to think about when you can do it and even where you can do it.

And it’s a royal bitch when you need the answers to things you haven’t even done yet.  Like sucking dick, for instance:  How do you go about doing this when you’ve never done it?  Again, one of those pieces of information that’s a truism but doesn’t convey a whole lot of information:  The easiest way to suck dick is to do it like you enjoy having it done.  Still doesn’t say much in the way of technique and while one can find information on how to suck a dick, to me, it’s such a personal thing for a guy to do and it’s about having your own “style,” letting your emotions guide you in the execution of the various techniques and, something I think is important, decided if you just like sucking dick or that you love it.  Oh, yeah, while you’re trying to figure all of this out, you also have to learn what’ll make the other guy happy because just like eating pussy, what works on one guy might not work on the next guy; some of us can be pretty damned picky about how we want our dick to be sucked.

Because a lot of newbies are under the impression that if you’re having sex with another man, you’re supposed to be willing and able to do everything that can be done, like anal sex.  You don’t have to fuck or be fucked but, yeah, if you’ve never done any of it, going about doing it or having it done to you can be mystifying.  One can find plenty of information on anal sex and being safe while doing it but you still have to figure out what’s gonna work for you.

I can explain the whole top, bottom, and versatile thing… but I can’t tell a guy which of the three things he should be or even could be; he’d still have to search deep within himself and answer a lot of questions because this, too, is a personal thing and something unique to each bi guy, just like whether kissing/cuddling would be.  I tell some guys that, yeah, sure, you can watch gay porn and see pretty much everything two guys can do with each other but they should keep in mind that they’re watching actors, people paid to do whatever they’re doing and what they’re doing may not reflect their sexuality so much – don’t assume that those guys on the screen are all gay or bi… and they could be straight.

I can’t tell someone how they should feel when it comes to this; I can’t tell them how to go about finding the right kind of guys who’d be willing to indulge and engage them in this.  There are websites… but you never really know what kind of man you’re really dealing with until you take a chance to meet them.  I’ve been asked, “Well, should I have my first time with someone I know?”  Well, damn, that would be nice – at least you wouldn’t have to take a crash course in personality analysis in fifteen minutes… but you would have to figure out who you knew who’d be down for this or if you could even ask them about such a thing and without ruining a good friendship/association.  Indeed, most ‘experts’ in this would advise that you not attempt to get with a friend, given the dangers I just mentioned but most of us tend to think that it’s better the devil we know than the one we don’t.

For me, it’s frustrating because I know the answers… but they’re not generic, not one-size-fits-all; I had to learn – and sometimes the hard way – how to get the answers that best fit my needs and desires.  You could very well wind up making more mistakes in seeking these answers… but if you don’t make them, you don’t learn anything but if you do make mistakes, you could fuck up your whole life and even the lives of others involved with you.  Getting the answers requires a great deal of responsibility and a lot of thinking:  Is what you want to do worth the inherent risks?

It really is about you going about this and in the best way you can.  I can share what I’ve learned over these decades (fuck me, has it really been that long for me?), the mistakes I’ve made, the decisions I’ve made but, again, it might not work for the person asking the questions.  Should a guy give in to his r


Posted by on 19 August 2014 in Life, Living and Loving


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4 responses to ““How Do I…?”

  1. disconcerted72

    19 August 2014 at 17:10

    I don’t really know that there is a right or wrong answer to this question. I think there is always a learning curve to anything – sex included.


    • kdaddy23

      19 August 2014 at 17:22

      There really isn’t one, singular, definitive answer; before you can deal with any answers, you have to know what questions to ask. The sex is what it is… but what does it mean? It means one thing to me, most likely something different to you; how does a guy ‘decide’ that he’s a top, bottom, or that going either way is the best thing for him to do? How do you describe for someone who’s never had the sex what it feels like to suck dick? How to acquire the taste of sperm or if that’s even what’s gonna float his boat? How do you describe what it’s like to fuck a man’s ass or to be fucked by him in turn? Is any of this a good or bad thing to do?

      What I know is that a bi guy has to learn for himself what the answers to all of this mean. You can take ‘guidance’ from someone who’s had experiences, kinda get an idea of what it’s like from the experienced position… but that’s not really going to decide how a newbie or not-so-newbie should proceed because despite the fact that we can, generally, do all that stuff and then some, it’s all still a very unique experience.


      • disconcerted72

        19 August 2014 at 17:25

        Yes, and figuring it all out is half the fun, right? 😛


      • kdaddy23

        19 August 2014 at 17:29

        In theory, yeah, if you can figure it out without giving yourself a lot of grief in the process…



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