It’s the bane of any relationship, an occupational hazard of being in a relationship, when things get to a point where wants, needs, and desires are not being met and the rules of monogamy say, for the most part, that you have no recourse, cannot and should not take matters into your own hands, and that you are bound by your vows or the honor of your word to let your partner take care of those wants, needs, and desires – or dissolve the relationship and start over again.
The rules of monogamy are rather rigid, supposedly not open to interpretation, and are supposed to be inviolate but for some, there comes that moment when the person you love and have bound yourself to cannot – or will not – do their part and see to your needs. Maybe their negligence is willful, that their mind is so much on themselves and what they have to do that the partner is left as almost an afterthought? Maybe it’s accidental; there’s so much going on that they’ve gotten tunnel vision and can’t see (or hear) what’s going wrong around them? Maybe they’re guilty with a reason, some medical or psychological reason why they cannot provide the succor they were bound to provide?
If/when people cheat on their partners, it’s never without a reason and, yeah, even if the reason only makes sense to them. We know that some people just can’t be monogamous – they just do not have what it takes to handle such a complex dynamic. We know that some people are content to be monogamous and willing to sacrifice themselves to the principles of “for better or worse” and wind up settling for less than what they’ve expected from their partner and to accept this deprivation because, well, that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
There are also those of us who don’t want to lose the person we’re with but, God Almighty, we have to do something lest we suffer damages beyond our ability to cope with. We love them, have great lust for them but, damn it, they can’t keep up, won’t keep up, have ‘better’ things to do than to have sex with us and, thus, despite how wrong it is and what we’re taught about being faithful, some of us do, in fact, take matters into our own hands and say, by word or by deed to our partner that if you aren’t going to do something about this, I will – and I guarantee you that you won’t like it… and I probably won’t either.
To me, this should be a wake-up call to everyone who is in a relationship, that the ages old mantra, “If you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will” should always be on your mind and sufficient motivation to do your level best to handle your business because even if no one else ain’t gonna take care of it, you are going to have one really miserable motherfucker on your hands.
There have been a lot of blogs about this, why it happens and, in a lot of cases, bad-mouthing the person who cheated – physically or emotionally doesn’t matter. Many people who pitch a bitch about “those cheating, low-life bastards” make me wonder if they ever stop being emotional long enough to engage their brains and try to figure out the why of it all instead of just blaming the cheater. I ain’t saying that they get no blame… but they have a reason for doing what they did and if you’re not going to be willing to find out – and that’s probably a conversation we’d all love to avoid – then you may never find out that their reason could very well be something you did… or something you didn’t do… and that the biggest mistake made here was to allow the paths of communication – and whatever powers of observation you may possess – to wither and die because if something’s broken – and if there’s some infidelity going on, something is truly broken – how will you know if you don’t ask or if your partner doesn’t tell you?
And if they do tell you, why ignore it? Do you really think that the situation is going to clear up on its own? Would you promise to do better, maybe even step things up for a while… then let things slide back into the murk and muck and because you’re so preoccupied with the other things that concern you? And if you are negligent, why in the name of all that’s holy would you get mad at your partner because you’ve failed to hold up your end of things as promised? Yeah, sure, it’s their fault they cheated in some way; they should have been stronger, been able to resist any temptation, and then wait on you to get your head out of your ass and no matter how long it took… but the real blame lies completely on your shoulders, for failing to communicate, failing to be observant, and then putting the blame solely on the shoulders of the one who, in their mind, had no other choice than to do what they did.
It is understandable when someone is incapable of doing what has to be done; there are the physical inabilities as well as the many mental/emotional things like depression that makes taking care of a partner’s needs difficult or damned near impossible. Monogamy invokes “in sickness and in health” at this point because even in this, your partner is expected, required, and demanded to forsake all others and keep only unto themselves and, in the minds of some, winds up condemning the partner to a life of abstinence and enforced celibacy and, ultimately, creating more emotional trauma for the partner who has no choice than to go without – or face the consequences.
Again, the question becomes one of why a person who is unable to do what must be done will get angry and want to dissolve the relationship – or worse – when their partner is now left with two choices: Keep going without or break the rules and get that which they need, whether it’s emotional succor or the physical release only sex can bring? You’d get highly pissed with them for breaking their vow/promise to you… but you can no longer provide for their needs and, in the minds of many, if they failed, then you did, too, because you promised/vowed to take care of them in all things, just like they did for you.
If you can’t or won’t do it, monogamy says that no one should do it… but, eh, there are a lot of ‘neglected’ partners who just ain’t gonna buy into this because this becomes a matter of self-preservation and monogamy, in their minds, cannot override rule number one: Take care of your own ass first. In marriage, we vow to “let no one put asunder” – and this also applies to those of us in a relationship but not bound by law or vow – but sometimes the person who may cause some sundering isn’t someone on the outside – it’s one of us, maybe both of us, and if we can’t figure out what we can do to keep our relationship alive, we are royally and truly fucked and in ways neither of us would prefer to be.
And, yet, some of us will do nothing because in their minds, there’s nothing that can be done – the rules are the rules and are never to be broken for any reason. It makes me wonder which is more important: Adherence to the rules or the life you hold in your hands and a life that may be destroyed or may be taken out of your hands and because of what some would say is misplaced rigidity, a lack of imagination and creativity or, worse, not letting your love for them inspire you to do whatever’s necessary in order to keep their love? You vowed/promised to do any- and everything for them… and now you’ve broken your vow/promise and way before your partner decided to do some breaking of their own.
I have no fucking idea why I’m ranting about this… but, damn, it feels good! Most people don’t want to cheat… but if you leave them to their own devices, guess what might happen? If they’re telling you that they need more and you think, feel, believe, what the fuck ever, that it’s not your problem – and it is, by the way – what do you think is going to happen? If you have that gigantic list of things you ain’t gonna do in your head – but your partner, that person you supposedly love, needs you do to those things and you refuse to do them, what the fuck do you think is going to happen?
And then why in the name of God would you blame them when you’re the one who has failed them by letting shit get this point? The partner also has to shoulder some of this blame because if they didn’t say anything to you about it, that’s there fault; silence is not golden, ignorance is not bliss, and what your partner doesn’t know will sure as hell hurt both of you.
Do whatever it is to keep infidelity out of your lives and if you or your partner are not willing or able to do all that can be done to preserve your relationship, well, maybe you do need to give up, admit failure in this, dissolve the relationship and try again… if you can… and with the sure and certain knowledge that if infidelity has visited you once, it can visit you again.
Holy shit… where the fuck did this come from?