In eleven days, I celebrate 59 years of life but, one summer’s day, fifty years ago, man, I discovered that having sex with guys was just as exciting as having sex with girls and I’ve been sitting here thinking about five decades of sexual activity, stuff that’s defined me as a bisexual and how I went from “I’ll do it with anybody!” to “It’d better be the right person… and my idea of right.”
Holy shit… I’ve been sexually active for 51 years (if you don’t pay much attention to the eleven days that would be exactly 51 years) and when I think of the things I’ve seen and done, holy shit, that’s a lot of stuff I’ve learned over all these many… decades. I was gonna say “years” but “decades” puts a bit of a stamp on things, that when we think about our sexuality (and whatever shit we’ve done with it), we think from day-to-day, or from month to month, or from the last time to looking forward to the next time… and not really look at the span of time we’ve been going about the business of (1) being ourselves and (2) being bisexual.
They say when you get older, your desire for sex dwindles; indeed, they say that men reach their sexual peak somewhere in their early 20s and it’s all downhill from there, just a matter of time before age and/or ED or a necessary removal of our prostate does us in. And I have no doubts at all that there’s truth in this… but it ain’t happened yet and my desires are very much alive and well. I think about how careless – or carefree, if you will – I was in those early days and all the things I learned, both good and bad, things that eventually led to a sort of mellowing, you know, being more discernible about what guy I’d be with and what would or wouldn’t be jumping off when the clothes came off. I’ve been ‘amazed’ how something so relatively ‘simple’ as having sex has gone from being stupidly easy to horribly complicated and, probably like other male bisexuals my age, I do find myself wishing for those days when it wasn’t so damned complicated to arrange for a dick to suck.
When I sit and read blogs written by other bisexuals – or those folks who want to chime in on the subject – damn, sometimes I feel older than I really am! I find myself scratching my head over terminology that, if nothing else, just fucking confuses being bisexual or, to be more blunt, being one of those people who likes pussy and dick and not necessarily in any order and, yeah, maybe they’re one of those people who are capable of developing deeper feelings for men and women than just lust. I sit and read and, sometimes, shake my head sadly to see other bisexuals struggling with things that, over time, aren’t things that bother me any longer and that sadness comes from the clear fact that we still don’t have what it takes to explain sexuality in a clear, concise manner – and then do it when it needs to be done so that people who happen to stumble into the fact that, hey. that guy over there looks hot, won’t have to beat their heads against the wall trying to figure out why he thinks that guy looks hot and that any dreams (nocturnal or otherwise) they may have about having sex with that hot guy doesn’t seem to be so mysterious.
I sit and read the utter confusion when people have been trying to validate being bisexual, like that whole “you gotta be in a relationship” or the equally bothersome “you’re not bi until you have the sex” mindset that’s still around… and it makes me wonder at times if I’ve somehow managed to miss something over all this time because the way I learned about this, being in a relationship didn’t mean a damned thing nor did it prove anything and, yeah, you can be very bisexual without having to have the sex. I sit and read about the trepidation some feel about coming out and it’s something I do understand – you just kinda want to shout it to the mountaintops but propriety kinda mandates that, um, no, ya might not want to do that because it can be hazardous to your health, if not physically, then definitely emotionally so when I read that the cry/demand that all bisexuals come out, stand up and be counted, I admit to having a bit of a hard time trying to figure out the reasoning behind this because, at least in this country, there are still some things you don’t have to do if you don’t want to do them and coming out falls into this category.
I’ve asked myself, in my almost-golden years, if I still understand what it means to be bisexual, even at the high, general level. I’ve questioned myself about looking at being bi at too simplistic a level, you know, the answer to the question of whether you like pussy or dick is always, “Yes!” – and if I’ve failed to be all that concerned about gender, whether it has to do with the gender binary or that totally mystifying thing of gender identity… or maybe it’s never really been something to be concerned about because at the end of the day, having the sex or even having the desire for the sex is still about the person you wanna have it with and, yes, if they’re properly equipped for it in both mind and body. The so-called science of it, along with the baffling psychology that’s being related to bisexuality is, well, baffling and either I really don’t understand any of this… or society is doing a damned good job of totally and absolutely take a simple thing to do and turning it into something even the so-called experts don’t understand or agree upon.
Most of you know I’ve had this conversation with myself – and have shared it with you – quite a few times and my answer to the question if I like pussy or dick is still a resounding “Yes!” – and I can’t put it any simpler than that. Hell yeah, I know that being bisexual is horrifically complicated and even riskier than it ever was back in the day for me… but I think I still understand it and if for no other reason than when it comes to being bisexual, I understand myself in this – think of it as self-validation, if it pleases you. I didn’t need anyone with a bunch of alphabets after their name to provide me with verbiage that would validate my bisexuality; just the mere fact that I so very much love having the sex with men and women is and always has been proof enough – I mean, just what the fuck else would someone have to do in order to validate their feelings and desires to themselves, even those folks who’ve never done the nasty like this? If you’ve searched yourself as deeply and as completely as possible and the answer to the question – with or without the sex – is still a very resounding “YES!” then there’s your validation because if I’ve not learned anything over all this time, it’s that the individual still has to define what being bisexual means to them instead of having outside agencies trying to define it for them.
Sure, I’m getting older – duh, right? – but I still feel as bisexual as ever. I’ve seen how I’ve… evolved in this, how I’ve come to own the process that is my bisexuality. I’ve looked at where I came from in this, taking peeks at my journey along the way and while I’ve changed my mind about a few things along the way, yeah, I still like pussy and dick. It’s not ‘equally’ as some are led to believe and I don’t believe that I’ve ever been “50-50” about it because at the heart of bisexuality is what I might want to do with someone, what I’m feeling more than some weird sense of being equal about it and simply because my thoughts just don’t flow like that… and I’m not sure how they could find some sort of equilibrium when it comes to this. It’s not about that so-called “straight privilege” that’s being bandied about; I’m not acting like I’m straight just because, when it comes to being in a relationship and all that, yeah, women fit that role for me better than men do and, of course, I know this because I’ve tested the waters and have found the right “temperature” for myself. I’m not confused nor am I in denial about any of this – how could I be when I know good and damned well what I’ve done and why I’ve done it… and what I’d do if the opportunity presented itself.
I say that I’ve been there, done that and that, my friends, is a very vanilla way of putting it and I’ll admit to having mixed feelings about it from time to time, whether the sum of my experiences to date are a good thing to be “proud” of or something that I should find regrettable for some reason – but I also understand that this is just the ebb and flow of my thoughts and emotions when it comes to being bisexual and, yeah, there’s no fucking shame in my game at all because I’m quite okay with being the bisexual I’ve eventually come to be. I know that over the years I’ve needed to be more fearless than afraid because if I’m going to own this – and I damned well fucking own this – then I cannot be afraid of this; more careful than when I was younger, yes, but never afraid…
Because this is what I am. This is what I’ve always been since that fateful day. I understand this; I embrace it; I own it and, yeah, it just fucking makes me nuts to see other people struggling with this, trying to understand the complexities involved and trying to put out there for all to see that the easiest way is to just understand yourself and not let anyone else try to make you be something that you know you’re not – and you don’t want to be. Then it’s about being willing to change, to evolve along this road, to find out how your sexuality is going to merge with the other things life is going to drop in your lap – and then always working to make sure that the merging is as seamless as possible, so that your sexuality isn’t seen as something separate from the rest of what makes you the person you are… or want to be and, yeah, knowing that not everything is going to go right – but not everything is going to fail, either.
It’s a resounding “Yes!” and will be until that day comes when it’s all over… because I just don’t know any other way to answer the question and remain true to who and what I am. In eleven days, I’ll be another year older – and I’m still very much bisexual.