Back when I lived in the projects’ apartment complex and got “in” with the clique of bi guys who were on the DL, it was a great classroom setting and I put it like that because everything is a learning experience and in this classroom, I got to learn about how fragile the male ego can be as well as a deeper understanding about what guys say in public and what they say privately. I really got to observe penis envy at work and how insecure some of the guys were about their junk or how they kinda coveted another guy’s junk, you know, saying things like, “I wish I had a dick like that!”
I got to observe guys who would gladly and readily give you a blow job… but then kinda get bent out of shape because they didn’t think they did a good job of sucking that dick. I got to observe guys who weren’t into being fucked (except that one guy) but there were times when they’d either wonder what it was like, admit that they fantasized about it, and even asking me (and the other guy) what it was like and whether or not it was a fun thing to do. I got to observe a… selection of guys who’d get with another dude but there was always a bit of underlying fear going on with them; for a while, I thought it might have been the fear of getting busted – and it could have been this – but I always felt that while getting caught was on their minds, they all had something else they were afraid of… but I never found out what that might have been but it always showed in their tentative and even cautious behavior when throwing down with one of them.
I got a much better understand of how men can be in a relationship with a woman and how sex – and even the lack of – could make a guy cross over to the bi side; sometimes it was about what they weren’t getting from a woman (being sucked and/or sucked off was number one on the list) or, sadly, girlfriend just wasn’t going to give it up to him. I got to understand that while the “normal” tendency in this situation would be to go find some other chick who would be (a) willing to give it up without a fuss and (b) willing to do the things he couldn’t do with his woman at home, that wasn’t always the smartest route to take and, besides, chances were good that the woman would always suspect him of cheating with another woman… but if you turned to a guy, well, who would suspect some funny shit from that direction?
It had been my experience up to that point that bi guys who were into the sex would usually be enthusiastic when an opportunity for dick came up and all because of the “rarity” of such a thing; there just wasn’t (and still isn’t) a way to know whether or not a guy who wasn’t ‘obviously’ gay was down for some dick. Those seven guys kinda taught me a new meaning of the word “enthusiastic” and, at first, I thought it was because I was the “new dick on the block” and that made sense since they were relegated to just getting with each other when they could. But as I got to know them better, I found that any opportunity they had to get some dick was treated as if they’d won the lottery, just as I learned that their hunger for dick was so great that they’d go for it anywhere in the complex, which had quite a few spots where such a thing could happen out of sight. Their most favorite spots were the basements of both buildings; they’d long since figured out how to defeat the locks that were on the doors and, as one guy told me, a couple of guys could literally spend hours going at each other while life went on above them and, yeah, they had it all decked out, too – it very much reminded me of the “clubhouses” I spent a lot of time in when I was a kid except their setups had lights and running water along with beds and sheets, too.
For me, it was quite an education because I was now dealing with a “different” kind of guy and I’m not really sure if I can accurately explain the differences between the men of the clique and other dudes I’d gone to bed with other than to say that they were all concerned about their image and took great pains to makes sure everyone knew they were manly men… but in private, well, I’m not gonna say that they stopped being men or even being manly but, yeah, they were very different once their dicks got hard. They all had a greater sense of desperation, for lack of a better word; I can’t honestly say that they had a great love of dick but it was made clear that being able to bust a nut or two – and by any means necessary – was their highest priority.
I got to hear their stories about what got them into this. Some of the guys had experimented in their youth and, out of ‘necessity’, found themselves coming back to it; some wound up getting into it because of the alcohol and since it didn’t do anything bad to them, decided it was a good thing to do when pussy wasn’t at hand. The one guy who preferred to be fucked told me that he just felt drawn to men like that but being gay just didn’t feel right to him; out of the seven of them, I felt that he was the only “true” bisexual in the bunch (other than me) and he even gave me insight into what I learned was that whole top/bottom thing. I don’t think he was really happy with me and my refusal to fuck him but he shared my love of sucking dick and even my sense of “fairness” in that if he was sucking my dick, he could do no less than to let me suck his.
This isn’t to say that any of the guys in the clique weren’t fair in this sense… but you could tell – or, at least I could tell – that they would return the favor because it had to be returned as opposed to having that love for it; I mean, you can really and seriously tell the difference. They were never reluctant to go down on me, nor where they shy about swallowing but it was a “study” in doing it because you like/love doing it as opposed to doing it out of a sense of ‘obligation’ if you know what I mean. They were more… direct when they wanted to throw down like, I might be coming in or going out and someone might say, “Hey, can I get that dick later?” They also had a few ‘code words’ for when there were other people around who weren’t in the know, like, saying to the guy they wanted to get with, “Yo, I need you to check something out for me…” and other things along those lines that if you heard them, they’d sound quite innocent.
Even though there were secluded spots to throw down in – the basements – they always seemed to be in a hurry to get the action started, like it was about busting as many nuts in as short a period of time as possible. Now, I understood that when it came to giving head – and understanding that occasionally time was a factor – sure, you wanted to get it done as fast as possible so no suspicions would be aroused or if ya had to be somewhere else. But even ensconced in the basement where we couldn’t be seen or heard by anyone in the building, there was always a rush to get the sucking started even though it would have been easier (for lack of a better word) to take your time to savor the moment. I’m not sure how to describe it; it wasn’t quite eagerness but it was kinda like the way things went down in my youth as well – it was kinda like “Let’s do this before we get caught!” – but not really. This made things kinda interesting because there was no guarantee that someone would be able to bust a nut quickly or that if there was gonna be a round two, someone would recover from their refraction period in some sort of record time. At one point, I’d gotten around to sucking off all seven of them and sometimes I got them to cum in less than five minutes… but a few times it took up to a half-hour to get them off. If they wanted to go again, sometimes I could get them back up a few minutes after I made them go down but, yeah, sometimes it took a lot longer to get them hard.
I personally didn’t mind it because sucking a dick – even when it’s soft – can be a lot of fun… but their overall sense of ‘urgency’ used to perplex me. I mentioned penis envy way back in the beginning of this and I often found it amusing. Between them, their lengths ranged from six to eight inches and, of course, with varying girth, all cut, and with differently shaped knobs which, of course, was to be expected. The guys with the rather “thin” cocks would covet the guys who had thicker meat than they did… but the guys who were thicker seemed willing to “trade” with the guys who were thinner and, yeah, I have to mention that hearing them talking about my dick used to crack me up. It was flattering to know that I was of “great size and thickness” in their opinion but I’d find it funny – and very hard not to laugh at them – to hear them telling me that they wish they had my dick or to hear them lamenting over the size of their dicks (or their presumed lack thereof).
By this time in my life, I had learned that size really didn’t matter; it’s what you were born with so it’s really about learning how to work with what you have. I think I impressed them with my ability to take them all deep and without gagging and even though I told them how to do it, eh, they never seemed able to do it without making that sound – but they’d try just the same. Such ‘technical’ things seemed to bother them or, when dealing with me, they thought that I thought that technique really made a difference to me; sometimes, they’d tell me they felt as if they weren’t good enough or stop sucking me to ask if they were doing it right and, in my mind, sure, they were doing it right because, after all, they were willing to suck my dick and wasn’t causing me any discomfort except that one time when one of the guys was sucking on my nuts way too hard.
What kinda baffled me was that except for the guy who preferred to be fucked, none of the others were too thrilled about being fucked. Sure, they were willing to bone the guy who wanted to be boned but he did tell me once that they didn’t seem to eager to put it in him; but these same guys would say – and loudly at times – that they would love to be able to fuck their woman in the ass and, well, I never really figured out why that was so different from poking a dude in the ass other than what was obvious. Still, the guys in the clique helped to expand my understanding about being bisexual and even being on the downlow and because they were so different from the other men I’d dealt with.