The thought crossed my mind, while sitting on the throne, that I’m probably like a lot of bisexual men: Romantic with women, erotic with men. It used to bother me that, with one exception, I never felt romantic toward a guy, almost as if something in my head said to save the romantic stuff for women… but let your erotic/lusty side come out for men and skip the romance.
I actually thought for a while that something was “wrong” with me because I had no romantic interests in men. Plenty of lust, for sure, and I could very much appreciate the eroticism in throwing down with the fellas. Indeed, whenever I’d get with a gay man (in particular), they used to slap me on the wrist for not meeting their romantic expectations and then lecture me on the finer points of man-on-man interactions. It’s not that I didn’t know what they expected… I just wasn’t feeling it. I’d like a guy… and I might really like him because he had things going on with him that I resonated with, things that made having sex with him all the better… but romance?
Of course, I later learned that I could be romantic with a guy, that such a thing isn’t just solely reserved for women and that for this to kick in, a lot of things have to fall in place and when dealing with guys, well, those certain things never really fell into place. It wasn’t that I was avoiding the possibility or even denying that another romantic experience with a man wasn’t possible – it just didn’t add up that way; that romantic bent within me just never got triggered.
Now, talking with some people about bisexuality, man, they used to try to slam me for my lack of romanticism when dealing with men, inferring that I was supposed to be just as romantic with men as I would be with a woman and, yeah, I thought that this was just silly and that this was them trying to push their ideas of what a bisexual is supposed to be onto me… and you know I wasn’t trying to hear it. They’d say that I wasn’t really as bisexual as I said I was, as if they never considered the fact that I’m going to be bisexual in the way that best suits me more than conforming to someone else’s idea – and more so if they’re not even bisexual to begin with.
With men, I can be erotic and sensual; in my earlier incarnation, I was downright slutty… but romance? Now, admittedly, a lot of my encounters didn’t allow for romance, which takes time and even requires intent; no, it was all about us getting our dicks hard so we could make them soft again and sometimes, you just didn’t have the time do this is, let alone create a setting where romance could enter into the picture. A lot of those encounters were one-shot things but even my encounters that were with “repeat customers,” yeah, I could develop a deeper sense of appreciation for them… but romance? I was understanding that, on the whole, romance is a one-on-one type of thing, something that should be engaged in with one person at a time… which makes sense when you take into consideration that we don’t know how to be romantic with more than one person at a time and, of course, such things were (and still are) frowned upon. But even discovering the fact that I could have deep feelings – and even love – for more than one person, it remained that when dealing with men, nah, still wasn’t feeling it. Even when I ran into a gay man who had a romantic interest in me, it wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate his feelings or even felt flattered by it… but at that time, when you’re already juggling being romantic with multiple people in an open relationship/poly setting, well, there’s only so much my plate was going to hold and, um, being romantic with women is just a fun thing to do and it just feels more “right.”
I thought, at one point, that this was some bias on my part and, to an extent, it is; in any of this, it is about what you prefer to do, those things that you feel comfortable with and are able to do without putting a lot of effort into it. I felt that maybe I was wrong to have this bias… until I fell in love with a guy and because that happened, I understood that it wasn’t really a bias or something like that; it was just that “normally,” being romantic with a man just wasn’t called for or, again, never really had things line up the right way for romance to take hold. I had to deal with a truth about myself, that I don’t “like” men in the same way that I “like” women… but there’s nothing wrong with this because it’s my responsibility to define not only my sexuality but how I’m going to behave in this, staying true to myself while not caving in to behaving as others think I should in this.
One straight person I was talking to was giving me some shit about not liking to kiss men and because this wasn’t something I liked doing, then I wasn’t really bisexual. I allowed – then and now – that it’s not as if I’ve never kissed a guy during sex or otherwise and because I had done it, eh, it wasn’t something I’d do as a matter of course. Yep, kissing is erotic and sensual… if you find that you like kissing the person in the first place and, um, some people just don’t know how to kiss – but that’s to be expected and more so since figuring out if you like kissing is trial and error, even with women. It wasn’t that I found kissing men weird or uncomfortable; my mind was on kissing other parts of his body other than his lips, to be honest. Add in that a lot of times, that kind of foreplay got kicked to the curb because time was once again a factor and one of the reasons why some men love getting with other men is that they don’t have to go through a lot of foreplay as they would with women. So this was more a matter of expediency than anything else. Did I like kissing the men I did kiss? Sure I did – I like kissing! But I came to understand that just because I didn’t do this as a matter of course didn’t mean I wasn’t bisexual… and it didn’t have anything to do with being romantic which, at least in my mind, is something rather different from being erotic and sensual.
I don’t discount ever being romantic with a man because if it happened before, it could happen again… but I still prefer being romantic with women… because they’re so much fun to be romantic with and for my lusty sensibilities, I can be very erotic and sensual with men without romance being involved.