Here are some other things I’ve learned about my sexuality, things I thought of after I wrote, “Things I’ve Learned.” I’ve learned to look at sex from a “big picture” point of view; there’s relationship sex which requires no explanation (and if it does, make an appointment with me) and then there’s casual sex and while a lot of people get all edgy about casual sex, as a bisexual, I’ve learned to look at it as just being sex and a part of being human and despite all the shit about casual sex, the safety issues, and that my idea of casual sex includes men as much as it does women. I won’t get into the deeper details about this but being bisexual has taught me a lot about sex and has taught me things that, were I straight or gay, I probably wouldn’t have had reason to pay attention to.
I learned that, um, I don’t have much in the way of inhibitions and I would suppose that if you’re going to have sex with women and men, ya might not want to be all that inhibited… but I’ve learned that some bisexuals are quite inhibited until something happens to loosen or remove said inhibitions. I’ve learned the variances in being out as opposed to remaining in the closet and, with some importance, how being in a relationship can severely impact being in said relationship. In this, I’ve learned that a lot of bisexual men (in particular) are stifled, by choice or by force, i.e., their woman has told them in no uncertain terms that they’d better not even look like hooking up with some other dude – and that’s provided that they even know their man likes dick, too. The dynamic here is complicated beyond belief and, yeah, like other bi guys, I’ve had to learn to keep the other side of my sexuality in check just to be able to “keep the peace” as it were and it is an uncomfortable situation to be in because when you’re in a relationship, you are expected and required to hold true to whatever conditions have been put in place.
I’ve learned that a lot of people aren’t as open-minded as they believe themselves to be; I’ve learned that while a lot of bisexual struggle to figure this all out, there are many more people who don’t understand it – and they don’t want to understand it because being bisexual totally destroys their worldly viewpoint, that being – and in the here and now – that people are either straight or they’re gay… but no one can be both. For me, this is a hard lesson to swallow because on the one hand, it’s not that hard to figure out why people feel this way but, on the other, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. The morality of sex, along with sexual acts, has been “widening;” there are a lot of things that are acceptable behavior these days that weren’t when I began my sexuality journey… except maybe the fact that I like pussy and dick and what I have learned is that, in the past, no one questioned bisexuals – and probably because society was focused on putting the whip to gay folks… but, today, there’s a lot of negative focus on bisexuality; there’s a lot of abject denial that it even exists, something I find curiously hilarious and more so since I’ve been bisexual way before a lot of the people pitching a bitch about it was even born – it’s one of those “you had to be there” kind of things to appreciate why I find so much humor in this.
I’ve learned that being bisexual has gone from being an affront to one’s manliness to, um, not being so much of one. Indeed, there are a lot of men out there who emphatically say that if you’re not down with some brotherly love, your manhood could be called into question. I’ve lived in the transition, experiencing moments when I’ve been called a faggot or a queer – today, “queer” has a very different meaning than in the past; I’ve been called a sissy, have had the way my parents raised me called into question, like, for instance, I spent more time wearing my sisters’ clothes than “manly” clothes and other such shit of that nature. In the here and now, I’ve had men question my manliness, not to suggest or imply that I’m feminine in any way, but because I wouldn’t be fond of them slamming their dicks in and out of my ass; I’ve seen them state that you’re not very manly if you refuse to throw down with them in any way, that they don’t particularly care for effeminate men… but I’ve learned that this school of thought does require other men to willingly assume the feminine role in any sex – that whole top versus bottom thing but writ largely.
Before this change in the dynamic, I had long since come to the conclusion that you could engage in sex with another man and it not have any impact on how masculine you believed yourself to be. I learned that, yes, in the ages-old way that sex has always been done, someone has to take the male role, someone the feminine role and that for some bisexual men, well, now, that doesn’t sit well with them because despite their love of dick, that doesn’t make them feminine and to even suggest this would be a bad thing to do. I’ve learned that despite this now being seen as a very masculine thing to do, there are men who are bottoms, those guys who actually enjoy being fully in the feminine role when engaging with a man – but are very, very manly when throwing down with a woman and then there are tops, men who would never dream of taking the feminine role in sex, not even to suck dick and I’ve learned that these men have some interesting shit going on inside their heads about their role – and some of it ain’t pretty. I’ve learned that there are men who are both top and bottom, men who can easily and willingly go in either direction and it makes little difference to them. Hell, I even learned that at one time, I, too, was what they’d call versatile… not out of any kind of “preference” to be this way but simply because it was the most fair and decent – even respectable – thing to do; if a man gave up his ass to you, giving up your ass to him was just the “right” thing to do.
But I learned that you can change your mind about things, that you don’t have to do all that can be done if you, for whatever reason, don’t want to do it. In this, I’ve learned that being bisexual really isn’t about what you do – it’s why you do it and in whatever way floats your boat. I’ve learned that being bisexual doesn’t necessarily make me a “better” or “worse” person… it just makes me different than what’s considered to be normal. I’ve learned that while I do have so much in common with other bisexual men, my execution of my sexuality is uniquely mine and this is important when you consider all the stereotypes and misconceptions floating around about the behavior of bisexual men… and none of it is nice. I’ve learned that there is some truth to some of these things, just as I learned that our society (in particular) just loves to assume and pronounce that all bisexual men are guilty by association, that those of us who have not fed into the stereotypes – and we know where and when we haven’t – are still all the same: Lying, cheating, selfish, greedy, disease-ridden, fudge-packing, and confused miscreants and we’re even seen as more vile than gay men were once seen to be… and that’s despite the fact that I’ve learned that not all bi men have the sex and don’t feel the need to have it – they’re happy to know and understand that they like men in the same way they like women.
I’ve learned that while society says we should be ashamed of ourselves for stepping out of the moral boundaries, there is no shame in this. I long since learned that I love sex, not simply because it feels good but because I chose to step out of bounds and experience the forbidden side of sex. I’ve learned that being bisexual is pretty damned liberating; it’s opened my mind to many possibilities and has lent itself to my ability to look at this whole thing as objectively as I can manage, not an easy thing to do given that one develops biases about these things based on their experiences or even lack thereof and in this, nah, I’m not all that different… but I feel that were I not bisexual, I wouldn’t be aware of my own biases, would be less aware of myself and, importantly, wouldn’t be able to see the bigger picture in all of this, let alone know that there’s a bigger picture to begin with.
I wouldn’t have learned how fucking sexy and sensual it is to suck another man’s cock and just how damned good doing it can make me feel. I wouldn’t have learned that doing this just isn’t a woman’s thing to do and, as I mentioned yesterday, it gives me something in common with all women who love to suck dick, something that answers the question of why I suck dick in the first place: I like it for the same reasons women like it. My “bias” kinda kicks in and makes me state that if you don’t suck dick, you’re not gonna understand this in the same way I’ve learned to do. I wouldn’t have learned that being fucked does, in fact, feel good. Over and over, I wouldn’t have learned that there’s more than one side to the whole “let’s get laid” story and that the pleasures and displeasures are really a lot more related than we’d care to admit.
While I learned that having a same-sex relationship was possible, I’m learning that a lot of people put a great deal of emphasis on this – even bisexuals. It’s still not what you do in this but why you do it; you don’t have to be in a same-sex relationship to validate being bisexual… and even if you were, the relationship itself still isn’t validation – all that proves is that you can have a relationship with someone who is the same sex as you are. Some of the things I’ve learned here lately tend to clash greatly against that which I’ve experienced and things I’ve learned from other bisexuals, keeping me in a frame of mind where I understand it… but not really. I don’t think a lot of people really understand “attraction” as much as they can and while I’ve learned that this is whatever, say, I say it is – what it means to me – I’m learning there’s a perception that as a bisexual, I should be equally attracted to men and women… and I just don’t see how that’s possible since I’m not attracted in any way to everyone I might lay eyes on and thanks to my own standards in this; this alone tells me that the stereotype that a bisexual will fuck anything above room temperature isn’t entirely true.
My bias kicks in again when I learn this “new” mindset about being bisexual because, at minimum, if you wanna have sex with a guy, you only have to like him enough to have sex with him – provided he says yes, of course. I understand, in part, that the “requirement”to be into him is borne out of heterosexual behaviors and the admonishment to not have sex with anyone you’re not emotionally invested in. I’ve learned that I don’t have to be into a guy; I don’t have to be in a relationship with him; all I really need is for him to say yes or he asks me if we can get busy. It’s about trust more than anything else; it’s about understanding that just because someone looks appetizing on the outside, he could be very much less than appealing on the inside and especially when his dick gets hard; I’ve learned the lesson that men will, indeed, say and do anything in order to have sex with someone and some of us can be pretty damned predatory going about it.
So while it’s true that bisexual attraction should be about the person and not because, let’s say, he’s got a humongous dick, this isn’t a given or some matter of course. If you rely on the information your eyes give you, hah, you can be sorely deceived and, yes, you should look deeper into a person in order to decide whether or not to take the chance of having sex with him. But deep affection? Some need to be in a loving relationship with him? No, while those things can be nice, I’ve learned that they’re not a dyed-in-the-wool requirement and that the lack of these things do not in any way invalidate my bisexuality… but I’m learning that a lot of people don’t exactly see it like that – and I’ve learned that some of the people who don’t see it aren’t bisexual.
Isn’t that curious?
I’ve learned that there are straight and gay people who have their own ideas on what bisexuality should be about as well as fostering a disbelief that bisexuality exists in the first place. Having been bisexual for as long as I have, I find this a peculiar school of thought and it says to me that even though homosexuality is being more accepted in our society, some people still have a very black and white view of sexuality or, as I’m fond of saying, they think like a Sith Lord by thinking only in absolutes. Maybe my bias kicks in again at this point but it just seems to me that if these Siths are aware of the Kinsey scale, they know that heterosexuality is at one end, homosexuality at the other… but, for some reason I’ve yet to truly fathom, they can’t see that there is a middle ground – or they don’t want to see it and even refuse to see it; I mean, the scale even says there is when depicted visually – that and there are numbers assigned to the various “levels” – one through six if I remember correctly.
I’ve learned that when it comes to bisexuality, some of us reject the truth that’s been staring everyone in the face, something that, again, I understand… but not really; I’ve learned, thanks to being bisexual, that views on sex and sexuality are still very narrow and I find it somewhat disturbing that there are those who seek to erase the “lines in the sand” that have been in place since people started having sex with each other – how can one not see them and, more, what is the point in trying to erase them? Or is it that we are so willing to accept the strictures against such behavior and, as such, totally disregard the factual evidence that bisexuality and bisexuals do exist and are very real; I mean, come on, there’s just no fucking way that I could be the only bisexual on the planet or the only one who’s ever lived, right?
Again, I’ve learned so much over the last fifty years… and there is still much to learn…