At some point, we all make choices involving sex that sound good before the fact… but turn out to be anything but good. The “good” thing about this is that it’s something that visits people and regardless to sexuality but it seems to me that bi guys have that extra bit of experience that makes choosing wisely important.
I’ve always thought that if there is such a thing as bad sex, it comes up when you decide to get jiggy with a guy and then come to realize that, um, maybe doing it with him now seems less of a good idea that you originally thought. Disconcerted72 – or DC72 for short – mentioned in his comment to “Taken” that he’s had sex with guys but he wasn’t really feeling it with him (or something to that effect); when I read that part, all I could do was nod my head knowingly.
One of the things I learned about this is that common sense doesn’t always override the desire to get laid like this and more so since it’s so damned hard to find a guy to have sex with in the first place. I’m not saying that it makes one desperate… it’s more like “any port in a storm” and while a lot of us will screen a guy for suitability, I think we sometimes minimize the “requirements” so that we can get done. We might have a sense that, eh, we’re not really feeling this guy for some reason but here we are, getting naked with him just the same. After having gone through this a few times myself, I asked if there was a way to not wind up in such a situation. The obvious answer was for me to make better choices, to be better at reading guys, stuff like that… but sometimes it works perfectly, sometimes it doesn’t and, with my luck, I never find out that it ain’t working until we’re into whatever we’re doing.
Gods, I can think of a lot of times when I was having sex with a guy and (a) wondered why I agreed to it and (b) found myself fervently wishing for it to be over with and then wondering where I went wrong before the fact. Now, in my own defense, whenever I got a “clear sign” of a guy’s unsuitability, it was easy to tell him I wasn’t interested… but I also learned (the hard way and the pun is intended) that you can’t always see the signs when you should see them, like, before going somewhere to get naked. It is a motherfucker to, say, be in the middle of sucking his dick and you know good and damned well you’d now rather be eating ground glass, and that your decision to engage with him was a poor one. There is nothing I can think of that feels worse than to have a guy pounding dick into you and you seriously no longer want to be getting pounded. Instead of calling a stop to things, you just find yourself lying there or whatever and wishing he’d hurry up and cum (or that you bust that nut in world-record time) so you can get dressed, get in the wind, and then spend some time kicking yourself in the ass and trying to figure out why that good idea turned out to be anything but.
I have found myself thinking, “I really don’t want to do this with him…” and my dick is good and hard and ready to go, making me wonder why this disconnect is taking place because if I’m now not as turned on as I was a few moments ago, why is my body responding the way it is – did it not the get message or something? One of the things a bi guy will learn in this is exactly why women sometimes behave the way they do, like, you’re wailing away on them and they’re lying there doing their dead body imitation and why they will allow the sex to continue instead of demanding an immediate withdrawal. You just get that, “Well, I’m already doing it so I might as well wait for him to finish…” because, even innately, you know that if you do call a halt to the “hostilities,” he might not be so agreeable or understanding about having his fun cut short.
Anyone who’s ever been in this situation knows exactly what I’m talking about, just like they know that, eh, sometimes, it’s not because we made a bad decision; sometimes we just wind up getting the lustometer turned down or totally shut off right in the middle of the action and it’s not the fault of the guy you’re with… but it’s not really your fault… or is it? It makes you question your ability to make decisions in this and more so when instinct/intuition doesn’t raise any yellow or red flags before the fact. You ask yourself, “Why the fuck did I get into this with someone I really wasn’t feeling?”
Why indeed? I have asked myself, all late and wrong, if my need to get some dick (or just being horny) was short-circuiting my ability to pay very close attention to the subliminal clues or maybe he said something “important” and being horny just didn’t allow me to hear it? Could it be that I had some… expectation I wasn’t aware of and it wasn’t being met and that was making the moment less than stellar? Even better… did I just think I was horny for some dick and I really wasn’t? Eventually, I realized that I was seriously overthinking the whole thing; my judgment, instinct, and/or intuition wasn’t always “faulty” and I realized that sometimes, you just guess wrong about the other guy – that usually means he did a really good job of convincing you to get down with him if you couldn’t think of a reason not to. Sometimes, shit happens; sometimes, you don’t find out that it’s not a good idea until you’re actually doing it; sometimes, you’re really having a good time – and then, out of the blue, you’re thinking that you made a mistake. Hell, for all I know, there’s some subconscious shit going on; we know that our subconscious can fuck with us and we’re not even aware that it is and when it does and ruins the party, it comes to our attention in the form of us making a mistake about our decision to do this.
Is there a tried and true formula for choosing wisely? If there is, I’ve never come across it. I like to believe that I’ve become somewhat adept at reading people, from the words coming out of their mouth to what their body language is telling me; I’ve learned to trust my instincts but always with the caveat that I could be wrong and, generally, it doesn’t usually fail to warn me of what might be a bad thing to do… but not always. I’ve had guys going for their first time ask me how they can tell whether giving it up to someone is going to be a good thing to do… and I’ve never really been able to answer the question with a high degree of certainty because you can go through whatever process you’ve developed to determine suitability, have everything check out, and then find yourself totally pissed off with yourself for doing something that perhaps you shouldn’t have agreed to.
All one can do is use the best judgement they’re capable of and then with the understanding that not only could you be “wrong” but that Murphy’s Law is always in effect. Sometimes, it’s really want you want and need to do but things can align themselves in such a way to put you in the right place at the wrong time and even with the wrong person… and even if there’s actually nothing “wrong’ with or about him.