Today’s Bisexual Thought: How We Relate

26 Nov

There’s a misconception – well, a few of them, actually – that bisexuals have to be in a same-sex relationship in order to be “truly” bisexual.  It is assumed that because us bi guys like other guys, we have some preference to be in a relationship with a man as opposed to being in one with a woman.  They say that we can’t commit to being in a relationship with just one person – and in the case of bi guys, that means a woman; likewise, they say that we will, inevitably, will cheat in order to fulfill our desires to be in a relationship with a man.

What I’ve come to understand is this:  There are bi men who’d rather be in a committed relationship with another man but for most of us, the relationship we’d want with a man is more sexual than anything else.  What some of us would love is to have that one guy we can have NSA (No Strings Attached) sex with and, preferably, he’s someone we can also get along with when we’re not naked with each other.  Otherwise, if we’re in a relationship with a man, a lot of us eschew a romantic relationship with a man… and usually because trying to manage two such relationships is a pain in the ass.

Some folks question why we’d want to be in a relationship with a woman if we like dick.  Some of us do this because it’s expected of us – it’s what guys are supposed to do when love is in the air, they want to be a daddy and, publicly, it just looks good.  Some of us find that being in a relationship with a woman is preferable even though women are often very difficult to be in a relationship… but if we didn’t like and/or love women, um, we wouldn’t be bisexual, would we?  I know for me, it just “makes sense” to be in a relationship with a woman… because I love  women even if they are deliciously insane.

While it’s not a requirement for a bi man to be in a relationship with another man, it is a choice… but that depends on how one wants to define “relationship” because, again, there are romantic relationships and then there are sexual ones and, in this, those “one night stands” a lot of us get into don’t really count in this but could count as a “on-off” relationship.  But that’s a bit nitpicky, wouldn’t you agree?  I think it is but when the topic of discussion is about how we, as bi men, handle relationships, a little nitpicking might be called for even if it’s for informational purposes only.

As most of you know, I had a relationship with a man; it didn’t happen because I had some need to validate my sexuality or anything like that; nope, first I liked him, then I loved him and the rest, as they say, was history.  If it proved anything, it was that I (a) had the capacity to love another man like I’d love a woman and (b) I could actually have a relationship with him and it wasn’t one of those fuck buddy situations.  For me, it was quite a revelation and I learned so much about myself in the process.  And, keep in mind, I was very married and in love with my wife at the same time, which also taught me about managing two relationships at the same time.

Not all bi men care to relate in this fashion and when we do, women are much preferred and if there’s anyone who doesn’t understand this, there’s no help for you.  If how we act on our bisexuality is a choice – and despite what people think, we do have a choice – a lot of us choose to be in a relationship, committed and loving, with a woman.  Now, what women are asked to understand (if they can) is that just because we’re bisexual and we like dick, that doesn’t have one damned thing to do with them, how we feel about them, and especially our desire to have sex with them.  The only exception here is when our going to the bi side is because of them – we can be pushed to the bi side by the woman we love and want to be with so if you think that doesn’t happen, I just beg to differ with you.  Maybe it shouldn’t happen but, yeah, it does.  Otherwise, it would help us a lot if our lady can get her head around the fact that, yes, I like dick and probably just as much as you do, baby – but I love you and have chosen to be in a relationship with you and so much that I will give up my desire for dick just to be with you.

Some of us wouldn’t consider being in a relationship with a man because, um, then people would get the impression that we’re gay.  Now, I don’t know about y’all, but I’ve never met a gay man who liked pussy; maybe such a gay man exists but (a) I haven’t met him and (b) wouldn’t that make him more bisexual than gay?  People put a lot of importance on sexuality and relationships and that, frankly, is heterosexual, monogamous thinking; just because we want to have sex with a man doesn’t mean we have to be in a relationship to make it happen; all we have to do is like the guy enough to have sex with him and if he turns out to be a repeat customer (for lack of a better phrase), so much the better because some of us do understand the difference between a romantic relationship and a sexual one.  Yep, the two things work well with each other but they are really two different things and you actually learn this if, when single, you were out getting all the sex you could from other folks before settling into a romantic relationship with someone.  You know that in order to just have sex with someone, it is possible to do it and not be in a relationship with them – it just isn’t a requirement for casual sex.

And bisexuals don’t really behave any different in this because whether you’re bi, straight, or gay, you deal with relationships in the manner that makes you the most comfortable and you just know that casual sex doesn’t require a relationship… but if you’re in love, yep, that’ll work and then you’re going to get into a relationship with the person who makes you the happiest… but if you’re bi, that person might be another man… but it doesn’t have to be.  It’s really about what floats one’s boat, isn’t it, and why it does.  It can be as simple as it feeling right to be in a loving relationship with a woman or as complex as being “socially correct” in this because another thing you learn is that perception carries more weight than the truth so if we’re seen as being straight because we’re with a woman, well, that works for some guys and especially those guys who don’t want other people knowing he’s bisexual – and that could include the woman he’s with as well.

The ability to be in a relationship doesn’t validate sexuality; all it really proves, again, is that one can be in the relationship in the first place and, yeah, they want to be.  I’ve heard that I couldn’t possibly be bisexual because I’m in a relationship with a woman and, honestly, I couldn’t figure out what the one thing had to do with the other but once I did, I thought it was pretty funny because it’s just the way “the majority” of people think; they sincerely believe that if you like men, you should be in a relationship with one, just like they believe that if you like women, you should be in a relationship with one.  It might be an “ideal”situation… but it’s not the truth by a long shot.

We relate with men and women in whatever way works best for us – I can’t put it any simpler.  If it’s romance with women and just sex with men and that works, fine; if it’s the other way around, yep, that works, too, but at the end of the day, it’s about what the bisexual man wants and needs where his happiness and well being is concerned, up to and including not wanting to have a committed/loving relationship with neither man nor woman.

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Posted by on 26 November 2014 in Life, Living and Loving


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