It is said that there’s a first time for everything and one of the biggest decisions a bi guy has to make is, as the title says, taking the plunge and having sex with another man for the first time. I was reading something on Tumblr last night where someone opined that unless you have the sex you can’t know that you’re bisexual or that they’d even like it before the fact and likened it to whether or not someone would like a million dollars if they’ve never had a million dollars.
I thought this was a so-so analogy and I replied, “Money is one thing – we all know the value of money. Sex, even when we think we know something about it, can be an unknown value. A guy might be dying to give another man head but if he’s never done it, he can’t know what the deal is until he does it – just having an idea doesn’t quite work.”
Still, you can know – and with a great degree of certainty – that you are bisexual without having the sex but for a lot of bi guys, the “proof of concept” is going to be taking the plunge for the very first time. It can be daunting and even scary; in your mind, you could very well have an idea of what you want to experience. You can, thanks to the Internet, read about it, see this kind of sex in action via gay porn (a poor teacher but the visuals are what they are), and can even ask someone they know has already taken the plunge because being able to make an informed decision is a damned good thing – it’s just kinda good to be able to find out what you’re about to get yourself into.
Since I’ve had the honor of giving a few guys their first experience, I’ve gotten to see first hand how easy making the decision can be as well as how difficult it can be. It’s pretty fucking scary and because they don’t know what it’s going to be like, whether they’re going to like it or not, whether they’re going to freeze up, chicken out, or take to it like a duck to water, whether some rejection is going to jump off and, yes, they might even question what effect taking the plunge is going to have on their masculinity. It might be an “easy” decision to make in one’s mind but when you’re in the middle of talking to another man about having sex, it might not be that easy.
I’ve had guys ask me, “Should I do it?” and I’ve answered with a question of my own: “Do you really want to do it?” I will, if necessary, probe deeper and depending on how the conversation is going, I just might try to talk him out of stepping into the deep end of the pool because what he’s saying is telling me that while he very much wants to have his first time in this, he’s not quite ready for it. I think one of the additional “hardships” in this is not talking to a guy who would be willing to make sure that this is what you want to do and because they know that while things might go swimmingly, um, they might not.
How does a guy decide? I dunno since everyone’s thought processes don’t flow the exact same way. Some guys have told me that they’ve told themselves, “I want to do this because (a) I’m fucking horny and can’t get a woman, (b) I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like, (c) I need to know if I really like men and women and, (d) I ain’t got nothing else to do…” And that’s fine but, again, what I’ve seen for myself is that thinking about what you want to do and why you want to do it is one thing… but it can be something very different when you’re maybe just mere moments away from doing it for the first time.
Not all guys are all that uncertain about whether they want to or not; I’ve asked them if this is what they really want to do and they’ve told me they wouldn’t be talking to me if they weren’t sure of it and, yeah, seeing the erection in their pants can be a pretty good hint. One guy told me, “It’s mind over matter – and if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter, right?” Well, that’s kinda true because it might matter after the fact – but some guys are determined to take the plunge and now it’s all about finding someone to do it with and then hoping they’ll agree to some sex.
I’ve had guys say to me, “Let’s do this before I change my mind…” and I’ve had guys ask me about having sex with them and have “made” me convince them that they do want to do it. One guy asked, “Why should I let you suck me off?” I replied, “Huh? You came to me with this!” before I realized that he wanted me to check whatever logic he had going on inside his head. I do know, based on my experiences, that it does take a modicum of courage and conviction when it comes to making this decision. You can see gay sex in action and decide on whether or not you think you’d like it but it also takes courage and conviction to, say, suck another man’s cock when it’s literally in your face because you just don’t know if you can really do it until you actually do it – then you can decide whether you really do like it or not.
I tell guys looking to take the plunge for the first time to find someone with actual experience and talk to them about it – if they’re willing to talk about it; even bi guys can be a little leery talking about it and all because we’re not supposed to talk about sex with anyone… and sometimes even the person who wants to have sex with you. In this, knowledge is power, forewarned is forearmed and all that and it doesn’t do well to just jump in without knowing – and understanding – what you’re jumping into. Sure, a lot of guys just throw caution to the wind, say, “Oh, fuck it!” and just get into it; it doesn’t really take very long to decide to go for it and, yep, some nice intoxicants can go a long way to loosen up inhibitions and making the decision to dive in an “easy” one. I will tell guys there are two things they should think about: Actually doing it and then how they might feel after they bust that nut. I’ve been with guys who found it easy to let me suck them and kinda easy to suck me… but I’ve made them cum and then they have that moment of total clarity and then come apart at the seams and saying, “What the fuck did I just do?” Sometimes, my friends, it’s not pretty; I’ve had them be angry, start crying, or be highly upset in other ways, which is why I learned to get them to think before they act and, if I can, get them to understand the consequences of their actions; it’s why I won’t give a guy his first time and then leave him hanging – I will almost immediately after they nut if they’re okay and then be ready to help them deal with what just happened.
Yeah, I know – most guys wouldn’t do that and I think that I do it because I didn’t have that kind of support after my first time and my sense of honor says that it’s totally uncool to leave a first-timer in a lurch should he have issues; even if they say they’re okay at that moment, I will tell them that if they need to talk about it later, get in touch with me – sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t but I just believe that it’s important for me to be there for them if they need it.
Again, a guy can know that he’s bisexual before having the sex; he might even believe that he’d, say, like sucking/being sucked or fucking/being fucked but the real truth – and as I understand it – is that you’re not going to truly answer any questions about what the sex could be like until you do it. Yes, you can learn all you can and it can be helpful in making that final decision to go have your first time… but you still have to be able to do it – it’s the only way to be sure.