…except maybe that if you’re bisexual, do what you gotta do – handle your business in the best possible way. Being bisexual isn’t “easy” – solving a 5×5 Rubik’s Cube is easier. It took me years to figure out what it meant to and for me – and I’m still working on it because the only thing that’s static about being bisexual is, well, that you’re bisexual… and even that’s not all that static because people do change their minds about such things. But your thoughts change, as do your feelings, and these things can drive whatever you may do – and even that can change and, no, I’m not talking about over a long period of time but from one moment to the next and depending on your mood.
There was a time I wished I wasn’t bisexual; it’s too confusing, can be a pain in the ass both literally and figuratively, and could easily get me into trouble I knew I didn’t want to deal with. I eventually came to the conclusion that it made even less sense for me to wish for something to not have occurred after it’s already occurred, you know, closing the barn door after the cows have already left. You cannot undo what’s already been done but you can take “preventative action” for future behavior, i.e., I could have chosen at any time to not behave as a bisexual, something that made sense since it didn’t appear to be doing me a lot of good… except, well, shit, behaving as a bisexual is just too much fun and that’s beyond the sex – being bisexual has proven to be so intellectually stimulating. I literally weighed the pros and cons and at the end of my inner debate, I said to myself, “Aw, fuck it – just deal with it the best way you can…”
Ideally, you get to decide a few things, beginning with whether you’re bisexual or not and what, if anything, you’re going to do (or not do). I’ve been telling people for years that all you really have to do is accept it – but you don’t have to – and while doing something about it can be fun and pleasurable, well, it’s sex and we all know that it doesn’t always go the way we’d like it to – and you don’t even have to do the nasty if you can’t or are otherwise unable to. I’ve been asked what is the hardest thing about being bisexual and the answer is, “Dealing with myself every day.” Not pursuing sex, not defending my choice to be bisexual or any of the other things – just dealing with all the things going on in my head about myself and my sexuality every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment.
Because it’s me, I am constantly thinking about what I’ve done, why I’ve done it, what I feel like doing (or not doing) and how all of the bisexuality-related things merge with all the other stuff I have going on. It’s about self-management… but it’s really no different from how anyone would go about managing themselves and their sexuality when you stop and think about it and, no, being straight or gay doesn’t really matter. I’ve found that it does “help” to learn how other bisexuals deal with it or even how they’re not quite dealing with it because it’s still about understanding this thing I have in common with every bisexual out there and how it all applies to yours truly. Now, I could not think about it and I tried to not think about it but, ah, it didn’t work; five minutes after I told myself that I’m not thinking about this, a thought popped into my head and I said, “Oh, well, that didn’t take long…”
I am far from the “model” bisexual. I’ve been there, done that, got too many T-shirts, and I’ve not always done things the “right”way, i.e., I’ve made some bone-head mistakes, let opportunities go by the wayside, things like that but that’s to be expected when you have to deal with your sexuality as if it’s on-the-job-training. I find that I envy bisexuals of today because they have so much information at hand; there’s mentoring and other assistance designed to help a bisexual deal with their feelings so, yeah, I had to learn shit the hard way and while I have no reason to regret any of it, yeah, if I knew then what I know now, things might have been different… but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
I do believe, however, that I’ve done alright by and for myself. I’ve learned to be comfortable with being bisexual and how I go about being bisexual but it wasn’t an easy road to travel – that Rubik’s Cube I mentioned was way easier to deal with. I’ve spent the last few days emptying my head out about things bisexual because I still believe that it’s important for anyone who thinks they’re bisexual or are sure that they are to know that they’re not alone in this, that they’re not weird, some kind of freak and that despite what others are saying, bisexuality is real and bisexuals do exist and, importantly, there’s no such thing as too much information when it comes to this; in this, knowledge is truly power. As I was reminded yesterday, bisexuals do need to empower themselves by quantifying, qualifying, and validating their bisexuality but they also need to not let outside influences try to invalidate them in any way. There are a lot of people who aren’t exactly fond of bisexuals – and I’ve heard a lot of the reasons why they aren’t and, okay, that’s what they think and feel. They don’t like it, would prefer that I wasn’t bisexual, but since I am, all they can really do is not like it. It’s not that I don’t listen – I do want to know what they have to say because, who knows, it could be important to me but at the end of the day, the decision to be bisexual – and to remain bisexual and true to myself – still rests with me.
This is how it should be, not just for myself, but for anyone who is bisexual and to whatever degree that might be. Do what you gotta do and handle your business – do what is best for yourself because if you don’t, who’s supposed to do it for you? Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a cup of coffee calling me…