Those of you who have been following/reading me know that I’m almost “rabidly” bisexual; I bask in it, revel in it, and own it like there’s no tomorrow because there’s no shame in my bisexual game. But today I thought I’d share some of my thoughts – and thoughts that just popped into my head (as usual) – about how I’m bisexual. Bear with me – this’ll make more sense in a moment.
When I read about others being bisexual, a lot of folks speak of that attraction they feel for boys and girls, that pull that is so confusing because if you’re a guy, you’re taught and told that you should only feel things for the ladies and while that makes sense, it doesn’t explain how one can be a guy and look at another guy and feel things that are similar – or even identical – to what one might feel for a girl. I read these things and absorb them and then get a kind of wry look on my face because I kinda skipped that part and because I got introduced to the sex first and, as such, it seriously changed the way I looked at men and women and, yep, my view was kinda skewed because I was very much aware that I looked at men and women very differently: Women were for things like love and sex and men were just for sex even though I later learned that, yeah, a man can love a man like that as well.
There was a time when I thought I was weird to see guys and gals in this way and more so when I started being exposed to gay guys and then learning how they looked at guys (yay!) and gals (boo!) and, yeah, I tended to find out these things while I was having sex with them; sometimes I’d ask, sometimes they’d just come out and tell me why they felt boys were better than girls. It really had me wondering if I should’ve been feeling those extra things and then wondering why I wasn’t if, in fact, I was “supposed” to. It plagued me for a while because while I could look at a girl and feel all sorts of interesting stuff, when it came to looking at guys, eh, the only thing I’d feel was lust… and it wasn’t even immediate, you know, I didn’t look at a guy and immediately wanted to jump into bed with him but if he wanted to do something, okay, that’ll work.
Along the way, I learned that I was bisexual in a particular way and that there were other guys who were like me… but guys who weren’t so much like me and that’s because they had that ability to look at a guy and feel romantic things flooding their senses and just as they would if they looked at a woman. I tried to learn about this from them, to see things as they saw them and to understand why they were seeing things that I wasn’t when it came to this. I did learn, too, but when I took what I learned and compared it to what was going on with me, um, okay, uh, hmm, I don’t know about falling in love with a guy. I like them as a person, don’t have a problem having sex with most of them… but love? Nah, ain’t gonna ever happen! Which, of course, were those famous last words for me and an object lesson in “never say never.” But I’m getting a little ahead of myself…
Being bisexual made me kinda introspective, not that I was people-shy but it caused me to pay a lot of attention to what I might be thinking and/or feeling about being bisexual. I learned that some people really don’t think about it and why they don’t but I found that I couldn’t not think about it and more so when I was always aware of my desires; my curiosity pretty much demanded I figure out what was going on with me and this thing I had for men and women and I was pretty much compelled to find the answers and then have them make sense. Interactions with women just made sense – it just always felt “right” and I never really questioned too many things about it… but sex with men felt right, too, and in the face of the fact that I knew that it shouldn’t ever feel right… which didn’t change the fact that it did and, well, there’s a circular argument here and, yep, I got caught up in it because I had to know; otherwise, I was going to make myself nuts if I didn’t find the answers.
Once I answered the “Am I really gay?” question (not one of my finer moments) it was about really nailing down this whole bisexual thing and more so since I understood the definition (as written) and had absorbed the Kinsey report on male sexuality. I realized that I could feel ‘romantic’ things for men if certain things lined up – and they did (as you know) – but I also realized that those things ‘normally’ never lined up, not because of anything going on with me but because of the men I’d dealt with. Other bi guys weren’t interested in romantic things – that’s what women are for – and interactions with gay men were kinda all over the place; some just wanted the sex, some wanted much more than sex and, yeah, I had already learned that they wanted things I wasn’t all that willing to give them, not because they were gay men, mind you, but their personalities just seriously clashed with mine.
I found my niche in this and once I understood and embraced it, I was able to be comfortable with my sexuality; I understood how I was bisexual and how it fit my needs and desires. It taught me that there’s no real “equality” in this because I didn’t have the capacity to have an equal interest in men and women; it’s quite lopsided and while there are some folks who find this weird – and because it doesn’t really fit the definition as imagined by others – it’s what works for me. I learned that I could fall in love with a guy – and to never say never – but it also taught me to look at the person a lot more; I’ve been with guys who have a lot of good qualities, things that make them decent people but when you put them under the microscope – and in the same way you’d put a woman – the potential for something more than sex just wasn’t there because I had learned to look “down the road” instead of just looking at the moment. I’d ask myself a question: Could I see myself waking up to this guy every morning and the answer was almost always, “Nope – I can’t see it because (add reasons here)…” Didn’t make them bad guys anymore than it made me a bad guy but if the potential wasn’t there – and I’m talking beyond chemistry (which is another topic I might get into some day) – then it just wasn’t there and to behave as if it was just didn’t make sense.
I wasn’t content to be in my comfort zone because my damned curiosity always wanted to know how other guys are bisexual because if you know why something works the way it does, you can better understand it. I learned that some guys didn’t want to be bothered with why they were bisexual and that some guys were actually ashamed of why they were, either how they got introduced or because they were experiencing feelings for men that they were told they should never feel. It taught me how inhibiting being bisexual can be and how bothersome it can be and more so when you’re in a relationship with a woman and that “necessity” to set your desires for men aside in order to make her a happy camper because, let’s face it, no one likes competition in this and dislikes it even more when that competition for affection and sexual attention might be another guy. I learned it’s not just about finding one’s niche – it’s also about finding and maintaining a balance in things. Just because girlfriend ain’t feeling her man being bisexual doesn’t mean that his desires in this are just gonna go away and, yeah, a lot of guys get into trouble in this because those desires can be damned hard to ignore and that even trying to ignore them and “do the right thing” can cause internal issues that can have a negative impact on being with a woman, which is never a good thing in the short or long term.
When I compare my version of bisexuality to that of other men, I have a kinship with them… but it’s imperfect and simply because I learned that while we do have this in common, it’s how we go about being bisexual that highlights the differences and makes us all unique. Back in the beginning of this writing, I said that I’m “rabidly” bisexual but I know guys who make me look tame by comparison and because they have that dual affinity: They really do like and love men in the same way they do women. I’ve actually been with a guy and have watched the way he looked at other men; I’d hear them say, “Yo, check that guy out! He’s fucking hot, ain’t he?” and I’d look at the guy in question… and I’d just see a guy. Sure, he might be good-looking and all that; I might even peek at his crotch and even if I didn’t, I’d find myself asking, “I wonder what his dick looks like?” So while the other guy is drooling over the unsuspecting guy’s good looks, my mind would be all in the gutter, bypassing attraction and all that stuff and getting right to getting quite intimate with his dick.
And, yeah, the other guy would find it weird that I didn’t find the guy hot or that I’d have zero romantic interest in the dude or that, sometimes, I wouldn’t even have a single filthy thought about the guy in question. But I knew I wasn’t really in any way weird – I was just being myself in this. One guy asked me, “How can you be into getting busy with a dude but not find him attractive and all that?” and I’d just shrug in response. It wasn’t like I didn’t know the answer; it’s just that it’s hard to put it into words that make sense. I used to wonder why and the simple version of the answer is, “I just don’t…” Yeah, it could be that I never ‘had’ that attraction before the fact and even after falling in love with a guy, it just didn’t stick with me – I really can’t put all of this into words because I’ve learned a lot of my “inability” in this is couched in things that are quite intangible and indescribable with mere words. Such observations by other men would have me thinking about how I got introduced and wondering if that had anything to do with the way I’m bisexual… and maybe it did… and maybe it didn’t – I really don’t know. What I do know is that thinking about this has made me ask, “Would things have been different if I hadn’t been introduced when I was or by the way I was?” and I’ve admittedly spent a lot of time trying to decide if things would have been different… and have utterly and totally failed and, ultimately, I’ve given up trying to figure out something that’s impossible to figure out; it’s easier to accept that things happened when they did and for the reason they did and now it’s about me dealing with the results.
I define my sexuality and it makes no sense for me to allow someone else to define it for me, you know, I should be one way or the other or even someone else’s idea of what it means to be bisexual, let alone what they think I should or shouldn’t do in this. It’s still my choice, my decisions to make; I can do… or not – just because I can do it doesn’t mean I have to even if I want to – there is some “common sense” that goes along with being bisexual but this is something anyone who is bisexual (or even thinks they are) has to find out for themselves; it’s not about what others might say is “normal behavior” in this but what works best for someone in this. I always say that I like pussy and dick… but I know that don’t like them ‘equally’ or even in similar ways; I fit the general description of a bisexual but not exactly or precisely and I’m okay with that and I have to be okay with it; otherwise, I really would make myself nuts trying to be a “different” bisexual than the one I am.
Ah, it felt good to write this – I do so very much love emptying my brain for the moment!