There are a lot of people questioning bisexuality and bisexuals these days and debating the legitimacy of bisexuality and to the point where there are a lot of bisexuals asking themselves if they’re really bisexual or if their attraction to both males and females is simply a figment of their imagination. That there are people who insist that bisexuality and bisexuals aren’t legit really pisses me off, making me wonder what the fuck makes them qualified to make such a determination in the first place. Okay… so you can go to school and get a degree in human sexuality and I’m not saying that learning about this “by the book” is a bad thing but the books never tell the whole story; in my mind, it’s the difference between being book-smart and street-smart and understanding that these two things aren’t even close to being the same thing – but being book-smart and street-smart tends to work.
As a bisexual, am I real? You’re damned right I am and I didn’t need someone else to validate or legitimize my conclusions in this. If I had questions about my sexuality and were searching for answers, I’d go ask another bisexual first and, if I could, get as far into their head as they’d allow me to get and, yeah, I’d find out what others – read this as people who aren’t bisexual – might have to say because there is some good information out there… when you are able to sort through all the pseudoscience and political bullshit I’d be very likely to come across.
What I learned is that if there’s anyone who can legitimize, qualify, and quantify my sexuality, it’s me – it all starts with me even though there are a gazillion bisexuals in the world… but none of them are me. It’s a deep and rather painstakingly labor-intensive thing to do, beginning with a horribly close and open examination of what’s going on in my head, you know, “Why am I like this? Why am I feeling the things I’m feeling about men and women?” And that’s not even getting to the “What am I gonna do about it?” part of the program because I first had to validate that I did, in fact, have feelings toward men and women and that’s not really as simple as asking the question and then answering yes or no (although the “final verdict” will be a yes or no answer).
Now, you can go ask others about this confusing mix of feelings and, again and hopefully, you can find someone who feels the same as you do and get their take on it. Yes, Virginia, there is a difference between asking someone who just knows about bisexuality and someone who is bisexual and more so when it’s kinda hard to be objective about sexuality because it’s such a personal part of each of us. I could go ask, say, a straight or gay person about being bisexual and what I’d get is their opinion; maybe a few facts, maybe more stereotypical stuff, and some of it might be useful… and maybe not because a straight or gay person – at least in my opinion or until I find out differently – has no point of reference that would be helpful and more so if they’re deeply rooted in their own sexuality; I wouldn’t go talk to a gay dude about pussy versus dick when it’s likely he’s never had pussy since pussy had him.
I learned that you can assimilate all the information you can get access to, get a good feel of which way the social winds are blowing and even get input from those folks who are close to you (and you can get good information from them even if you don’t actually ask them) and this is all well and good… but you are the one making the final decision on whether or not you’re really what you think you are where your sexuality is concerned. I think it is inherently problematic to let someone else make that decision for you, just as I believe that putting more weight on the the socio-political bullshit going on these days and letting what’s being said serve as a method of validation.
You don’t have to fall in love with a member of the same sex or have sex with one to validate your sexuality – your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to think about it and if you need confirmation to validate your thoughts, then go do the nasty if you can or whatever you feel you can or must do so that you can tell yourself, “Yeah, wow, I really am bisexual!” See, we’ve learned (or should have learned) that sexuality isn’t as static as we’ve been taught to believe, i.e., not everyone is straight. We’ve been aware, throughout our history, that there are gay men and women and, nope, we’ve not looked at them favorably because they contradict the edicts on being heterosexual; likewise, we’re aware that bisexuals exist and, yeah, history says this is so and regardless to what the naysayers are saying – go do a Google search on “famous bisexuals” if you wish. What I was thinking about when this writing came to mind, is that we never – or rarely – question the validity of someone’s heterosexuality unless there’s a reason to question it; we do, however, question the validity of someone’s homosexuality, i.e., “How do you know you’re gay?” or some other related question. And, yeah, I can see someone asking this question about one’s bisexuality but here’s the thing: You can’t answer the question until you’ve validated it within yourself.
We know that some bisexuals have come out and have had their announcement met with a lot of negativity, like, they’re just confused, going through a phase, etc., and such a judgement against them can be devastating… but it doesn’t invalidate the conclusion they’ve come to, does it? I mean, really, if you know or believe yourself to be bisexual and someone tells you that you can’t be bisexual, um, who are you gonna believe: Them or yourself? People can question the your legitimacy in this – “How do you know you’re bisexual?” – and they can even try to convince you that you’re not bi, that you should be straight, or even insist that you’re really gay… but that’s all they can do is question it and denigrate it because, if you’ve done the required work, you’ve already validated your sexuality before you even mentioned it to them.
I don’t need anyone to tell me if I’m really as bisexual as I say I am and call me arrogant but I sure as hell don’t need someone who isn’t bisexual trying to tell me that I’m not because, duh, how the fuck do you know that I’m not really bisexual? Okay, I do respect the fact that people will defend their sexuality to the max and that there are straight and gay people who demand that you be either straight or gay… but this is just their opinion, isn’t it? They might not like the fact that you’re not straight but not gay and, yeah, they could make your life a little miserable because you’ve decided that you’re in the middle of the mix… but their dislike and/or displeasure has nothing to do with whether or not you know that you’re really bisexual. You validate and legitimize this and even in the face of a shit storm of negativity, you have a responsibility to yourself to be true to yourself.
I once heard that bisexual Black men didn’t really exist… and I laughed until my sides hurt at such a totally absurd assumption because, hey, over here! – I exist and I’m sure as hell bisexual and, nope, I’m not the only bisexual Black man, not only because I’ve met others but it’s statistically impossible that I’m the only one. Even though there are those who are doing their level best to say that, as a bisexual, I’m not real, none of what they’re saying takes away the legitimacy of my sexuality because I’ve proven to myself that I am bisexual and in every way my fertile mind could come up with. It now comes down to who I’m going to believe when it comes to this: Me or someone who isn’t and has never been and would never want to be bisexual?
It’s not only important to know what you are; it’s equally important to know what you’re not. You’re not confused, not going through a phase, trying to garner attention, or in denial about being something you know you aren’t. You legitimize this and in whatever way you see fit to; you validate yourself and by whatever means are at your disposal. The “court of public opinion” does not get to do any of this because while our social contract requires us to behave in the more established ways – be straight and only straight – you have to live with yourself – it’s your life and your only major requirement is the same as everyone else who’s alive: Live your life in the best way you can and in whatever way you can. If you’re bisexual, it is what it is and if you’re sure that you are, then you’re legit and valid even if no one else cares to agree with you on this.
And if you don’t believe this, get in touch with me and we’ll talk about it offline…