Talk about something being a bitch times ten to the tenth degree! There are those who believe that one couldn’t be bisexual and married because being married infers and demands that, by your promises before God and your local laws, you are prohibited from acting upon your thoughts and feelings. Even when you’re in a relationship and not married, you are expected and required to abide by the same rules married people are bound by (and if you think you aren’t, guess again). How does one justify and even reconcile being bisexual and married? You just do because, really, there’s no law on the books anywhere that says you can’t be bisexual and married and the laws that say you can’t be homosexual and married are being eliminated slowly but surely… but we’re not talking about homosexuals right now.
In some situations, a person realizes way before they ever get married (or otherwise in a relationship) that they’re bisexual; some folks don’t discover this until after the fact but when you’ve taken the step to be in a relationship with the opposite sex, sure, you can (and probably should) stop acting on your other sexual urges or if you’ve never acted on them, well, don’t. Yup, it can be… unsettling to not be able to act on your feelings and desires in this but unless you’ve got some special permissions, the right thing to do is to honor your commitment to the relationship and the person in it with you. Doesn’t mean that you actually stop being bisexual – you just give up any actions in this and then do your best to come to grips about it.
I know a lot of bisexuals in a relationship feel as if having their bisexuality stifled isn’t fair; it inhibits them and quite a few ways and, as such, doesn’t allow them to be the person they feel they need to be… but you did promise to keep only unto yourself and even if you didn’t say words to this effect, that promise is implied just the same; you are expected and required to abide by this promise even if you actually never said it to someone or verbally agreed to it. When you’re bisexual and in a relationship, you really and truly learn that thinking and doing are not the same things and while there are those who believe that if, say, you’re a guy and in a relationship but you’re thinking about fucking that sexy dude you saw the other day, you’re about as wrong as it gets – you’re guilty of emotional infidelity and you should plead no contest at your sentencing. There are those who maintain that even though they’re in a relationship, they have the right to think whatever they want to think about… but they also know that if they do something about what they’re thinking, well, that’s the greater of the two evils and that acting on their urges will surely cause them a lot of pain, pain that could have been avoided.
I’ve had people ask me how I can be bisexual and married and I’ve asked them what does the one thing have to do with the other? It always gave me the impression that people believe that you can’t be married and bisexual – oh, and just like they think you can’t be gay and married – and I’ve wondered why they think like this because the two things aren’t even related to each other. Uh-huh, being straight and married is the preferred behavior – we all get that unless someone’s been living under a rock – but being bisexual isn’t something you can just take off and on like a T-shirt and because you’ve chosen and/or vowed to keep only unto yourself and not get into any of that sundering stuff, um, aren’t you still bisexual even though you’re not doing anything about it – and you’re not planning on doing anything about it?
And if you think that you do just stop being bisexual because you’ve gotten into a relationship, allow me to beg to differ with you and say again that if something changes, it’s whatever you might do or want to do about being bisexual. It doesn’t make being bisexual and in a relationship easy – and some people find it extremely simple, by the way, because they have the discipline and focus to not do anything about being bisexual. Alternatively, there are some folks who find it extremely difficult to abide by the rules of being in a relationship and I’d say that it’s because they are compelled to act or believe that regardless of the promises made, they have the right to act on their feelings in this – and that’s a problem and the reason why it’s said that bisexuals are cheaters, can’t commit to being in a relationship, so on and so forth, but like I’ve been saying here lately, how is that any different from how straight and gay people might behave in this situation?
It is assumed that everyone can and should commit fully to the terms of being in a relationship and the truth is not everyone can and it’s situational at best – and shit does happen even when it’s generally believed that it should never happen in this situation. If you can, in fact, commit fully as required, it doesn’t mean that you’re not bisexual; you can change your behaviors in this – provided you had behaviors that needed changing in the first place and it’s not true that all bisexuals do something that need changing. You learn that just because you can do a thing doesn’t mean you have to… or that you always want to and more so when your commitment to a relationship takes priority and, really, if your ability to commit and stay committed is shaky, your sexuality is only a small part of those things that could affect committing and staying committed but, yeah, it’s easier to say that all bisexuals can’t commit because they want pussy and dick… and it’s quite near-sighted to make such a blanket condemnation to begin with.
Yes, there are some who have broken their commitment because of their sexuality; hell, some have kinda/sorta broken it via negotiated infidelity! Then again, I’d say it depends on whose idea of commitment you wanna buy into; there’s the generally accepted version (keep only to yourself and true to the relationship) and then there’s a broader version that says if the person you’re in a relationship ain’t happy with themselves, the relationship isn’t going to work as well as it could or it’s not the institution of the relationship you commit yourself to more than it is the person you’re having the relationship with – this gets pretty deep and is as controversial as anything could be.
Can you be bisexual and married (or otherwise committed to a relationship)? Sure you can if you can accept that bisexuality isn’t just about what you may or may not do – and you understand that there are situations where doing might not work well for ya. I’m not saying that someone wouldn’t have some, ah, moments where they’d love some same-sex action and the thoughts about it wouldn’t drive them apeshit because they know they shouldn’t do anything about it but, again, this is a difficulty shared by everyone who is in a committed, monogamous relationship and sexuality doesn’t play into this. Some people say that they never think about breaking their commitment to their partner but if you’re thinking about not breaking it, um, you are thinking about it even if it’s to the extent of knowing that if you didn’t keep your commitment, you could be in a world of shit – doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this one out so it’s easy to stay the course.
Yep, I done did it again – another writing that’s oozed into the next day… so where was I? Oh, yeah…
What I know is that there’s no tried-and-true method of dealing with this situation other than doing your level best to not let your sexuality screw up your relationship and it does bring up some disturbing issues concerning relationships. I know – and I’ve had other bi guys (in particular) tell me that they’ve questioned whether monogamy really makes sense and more so where things like personal growth are concerned. If you’re bisexual and married (or in a relationship), you’re between a rock and a very hard place (no pun) because there’s what you might want to do being bisexual… and then there’s what being in the relationship says you should never do. I know I asked myself how this “helped” me be all I could be when there were things I couldn’t and shouldn’t do when in a relationship and I found that being bisexual and monogamous did have some good things about it… and not really… and I learned from other guys that while they loved their woman and were, in fact, committed to her, man, that need for dick can be very overwhelming and seeing as how those guys didn’t have permission to indulge themselves, well, I suppose you can guess what a few of them did.
Yeah, the morality of cheating is a very big fucking issue and since there’s some truth to the stereotype that bisexuals are habitual cheaters, well, it doesn’t make being bisexual and in a relationship any better because you know that you have two options: Do absolutely nothing or take a chance and do something. There is a third option that I’ll get to shortly but these two are almost immediately obvious… and potentially quite troubling. Some guys do manage to do nothing – whether it’s “easy” for them I couldn’t say; I know doing nothing isn’t easy for me (but I do it when I have to) and I know other bi guys who found doing nothing damn near impossible and had me looking like a Zen master when it came to self-discipline. It’s wrong and there are few women who would understand why their man would be so willing to jump into bed with another dude. Sometimes it’s because girlfriend isn’t bisexual herself and, as such, can’t imagine how strong a pull it can be; sometimes she is bisexual… but in her mind, doing nothing is surely and truly mandated because the tenets of monogamy must be upheld at all cost. Either way, you can imaging or probably know that this usually doesn’t go well (gross understatement).
And, yes, I know guys who insist that stepping to the side to get some dick isn’t cheating because he didn’t do it with a woman, a dodge that usually isn’t bought into and the only reason I can think of that this even came into existence is that “most people,” when they cheat, do it with someone of the opposite sex – extremely bad juju, of course, so a weird kind of “logic” suggests that if you get busy with another guy, well, you didn’t exactly cheat with another woman, right? Of course, cheating is cheating and no matter who you do it with… but you see the problem here, right? I could, at this point, go into how a woman’s attitude about sex – and read this as she ain’t feeling it like her man is – can “make” a guy step to the side – but I don’t think I will at this point except to say that if you don’t think this happens or that it should happen, guess again.
Remember that third option I said I’d get to? Yep, you probably guess it: Ask for permission to indulge the other side of your sexuality… and let me know how that worked for you. It is an option but one that usually gets vetoed in the most strenuous way; I’ve heard it said that no self-respecting woman would ever allow her man to go out and get some dick and, yes, I have heard women tell their bi guys that their pussy is all they should ever want and need… and while this is true, if you’re a bi guy and needing the sex with another man and with some degree of urgency, um, no, that’s not really the truth. Even I have said that when I want and need dick, no amount of pussy is going to change or eliminate that need… not that I’d complain about getting more pussy but it’s simply – and I use the word loosely – about not being able to get all of what I need that will make me happy with myself.
But when you’re in a relationship, um, it’s not about what you need as much as it is about what you’re supposed to do – or not supposed to do and, honestly, there are some bi guys who have a problem with this. You’d think that they wouldn’t have a problem with it since, uh, they did get into this relationship knowing what would be required of him, right? And, yeah, this assumes that homey knew he was bisexual before committing himself to the relationship as well as the tenets of monogamy. What about those guys who find out after the fact that they’re bisexual?
One could ask, “How the fuck could that happen?” and it’s a valid question and all I can say about it is that there’s something called latent bisexuality; it was always there in the background and unnoticed until it decided to come to the front of the line and from what I understand about this, it sometimes doesn’t take a whole lot to trigger this latency and, yeah, some guys are able to deal with this… and some guys can’t. Yes, sometimes shit just happens to flip this particular switch within a guy – I can easily point to many situations where something “simple” as a woman not sucking cock can nudge a guy over to the bi side of things and more so if seeking another woman would be too obvious an infraction. This isn’t latency, per se, but more of a thing where a guy in this situation feels or otherwise “knows” that he has to do something to fill this particular void – and it has to be filled. Yeah, it sounds totally fucked up… but it happens… and it’s still very much a problem for some men to deal with.
It still comes down to thinking versus doing; it can be troubling to a guy to realize, “all late and wrong,” that he’s got these feelings where dudes are concerned and now the question might be, “What can I do about this?” Well, if you’re in a relationship and you’re just now finding this out, you already know that you’d better not even think about doing anything, let alone slip up and actually do something. You get to understand the subtle differences between wanting and needing and how both things have different levels of “intensity,” for lack of a better word at the moment; either thing can eat a guy alive to have this powerful desire hammering at them… and they know they can’t do a damn thing about it unless, of course, they have an overwhelming desire to not be in a relationship.
It’s one big fucking mess and one that a lot of guys have problems dealing with. Not doing takes resolve and focus, being able to keep one’s eye on the goal and requirement to forever remain monogamous and, essentially, forgoing and even sacrificing what might be an important part of a guy because one’s sexuality is important. For some, being bisexual and married (or whatever) but not being able to do anything about it can cause guys a lot of mental stress and even levels of depression. It’s not that they don’t love the woman they’re with (and if they don’t, well, that’s another problem); it’s not that they are unwilling to remain committed to her and the relationship, either because there are a lot of bi guys who can do all of this and not really blink about it. There are, however, many more men who do blink because there’s something they need that their relationship cannot provide. The sacrifice of self is called for and I can tell you from my own experiences that this does not feel good; it’s a bitter pill to swallow and it can be so fucking frustrating that saying it isn’t funny doesn’t begin to cover it. Even when you resolve to stay the course and do the right thing as expected, yeah, you can do it… but you also know that there’s something missing, something else that you need, and things that will stay just out of your reach… because it has to stay that way.
Staying the course and remaining true to your woman and your relationship is the thing that has to be done and many bisexual men will sacrifice themselves in this and for the sake of the relationship and just out of love alone. Whether they do well with this depends on a lot of variables and, yes, they can do well and so much that they’re able to submerge their desires for men and go on about their life… but some men can’t and it’s not their fault that they can’t, although there are those who say that it is, that he lacks discipline, lacks moral integrity, has little or no willpower – things like that. Those same people would highly suggest that the bisexual man in a relationship has to forget all about his sexuality – and many men do… but many men cannot forget because they’re essentially trying to forget or otherwise ignore something that is very much a part of who they are.
I will, however, point out to those detractors of bisexuals and bisexuality that if we appear to have that so-called “straight privilege” y’all been yapping about, it’s because when we’re in a relationship, we are expected, required, demanded and, if married, have promised before God that we will not only be monogamous but behave as if we were always and forever straight. We might not want to behave as if we are… but some of us find that for the sake of love and our relationship, we really have no choice in the matter, not if we want our relationship to flourish.
Bisexual and married… what a fucking mess this can be…