I feel spent, my brain a little burnt out from trying to bring relevant thoughts to the front about being bisexual. Still, today’s thoughts were about the differences and whatever similarities that came to mind about bisexual men and their female counterparts. That we have bisexuality in common is an obvious given; that we have different origins in this, different reasons for being bi are also an obvious given. The thing that popped into my head first was that I don’t write a lot about bisexual women because they have something very much in common with bisexual men: They rarely talk about it.
I know a few bisexual women who downplay the fact that they’re bisexual; either they feel it’s no big deal or the reason why they remain silent is that they don’t want anyone thinking that (a) they’re fake or (b) they’re lesbian – the latter is something us guys have in common with women in this because we are loath to mention or confirm our sexuality because we don’t want anyone to think we’re gay. I’ve found that for a lot of bisexuals, being bi is very deeply personal and, as such, a lot of us hold true to the socially polite “rule” that says you’re not supposed to discuss sex or things sexual with anyone – and that can include the person you’re having a relationship with.
There’s always that fear of rejection that keeps us silent and off the bigger social radar; friendships have gone by the wayside, relationships ruined, familial bonds stretched to the breaking point and even broken and all because that in our bisexuality, we “fail” to go along with the long-held mandate that we should be heterosexual and that being any different from that is seen as a problem and then because those who’d reject us always focuses on the homosexual aspects and not pay too much attention to our heterosexual behaviors and behaviors that are, for a lot of us, our default behavior. So to avoid being rejected, we remain silent; we downplay the suspicions of others and/or categorically deny that we’re anything but straight even though we know, deep down with in us, um, we’re not straight.
On the big socio-political stage, bisexual women are getting kicked in the ass about being bi. Strangely – and unless I missed something – the naysayers aren’t saying that bisexual women don’t exist (like they say about bi men) – they’re saying that bisexual women are faking being bisexual, laying a trap to catch a man who thinks getting hooked up with a bisexual woman is the greatest thing since sliced bread. I don’t doubt that there are some women out there faking the funk and solely to focus attention on themselves – why would this come up if there wasn’t some truth to the allegation, right? Still, bisexual women are better accepted than the guys are; we don’t have much in the way of “bad” thoughts to see two women hugging or kissing each other, or if they’re holding hands (for some reason) and we seriously don’t mind if we see two women dancing with each other and as if they were the only two people in the room. And, yes, the thought of two women getting naked and going for what they know with each other has been a fantasy for a lot of people (mostly men, of course) and porn does a lot to highlight and portray girl-on-girl sex.
Just as with the “conflict” some bi men have with some gay men, bi women are under siege by lesbians who aren’t exactly fond of bi women, saying that they’re fake, flighty, can’t commit, are in denial about being lesbians, are seen as being traitors – wait, this is starting to sound familiar! And it should because gay men pretty much say the same thing about bi men except, uh, we don’t really exist. Despite all this riffing – and in my experiences and observations – if a woman is found to be bisexual, a lot of people have said, “So what? Ain’t nothing new about that…” and that’s because for some reason, we just believe that women just take to bisexuality easily and as a matter of course, unlike bi men – we’re just some really nasty critters.
I thought – again – that all this riffing about bisexuality not being a true sexual orientation and, thus, non-existent and all the other shit being said against bisexuals and it still makes me shake my head because of what I think is a simple premise: If bisexuality (and bisexuals) doesn’t exist, what the fuck are the naysayers raising all this hell about? It still doesn’t make much sense to me for those affected with biphobia to pitch a bitch about something that, according to them, doesn’t exist – they’re putting out all this grief over… nothing at all. It still seems to me that our existence is, in fact, greatly validated by all the anti-bisexual rhetoric being put out there. I burn out my brain a little on this to sort through the dumb shit and come to my own conclusion that all this riffing isn’t really about the nonexistence of bisexuals – they just don’t like having their worldview skewed because they are aware that, uh, people really aren’t just straight or gay. To them, we can’t commit to one side of the fence or the other (remember what our default behavior is, okay?) and feel that we should commit to being either straight or gay… and that’s just so narrow-minded, ain’t it? It seems patently ridiculous that our society has gotten much better about people being gay… but can’t accept that there are many more people who prefer to be between straight and gay and simply because it suits their purpose in life to be in the middle.
There’s the double standard that is the bane of bisexuals everywhere: Bi women are good but bi men are very bad. Bi women probably don’t want to reveal their bi-ness because the guys they might get involved with just “automatically” assume that a FMF threesome is gonna jump off. Of course, not all men think like that – or, if they do, they’re smart enough to never let the words come out of their mouth – but if you come across a woman who has a taste for women, well, it’s something in common and I personally think this is the best way to look at it and a way that won’t piss her off. On the other side, however, if a bi guy tells his woman that he likes pussy and dick (occasionally) the first thing that comes up is that he must be gay; the obvious fact that both people have this extra thing in common just gets overlooked and then taken totally out of context. Even I’ve seen bi women bust a bi guy’s ass for liking dick… but he’d better not even think about saying anything about her liking pussy; somehow, the two things aren’t seen as being related and, I think, plays into the thought that a woman who likes dick and pussy is fine and dandy… but a guy who likes the same things is the worst possible motherfucker he could be.
Thinking about all of this and then writing something about it is proving to be exhausting at times. But it’s like I said yesterday: This blog is about what’s in my head and bisexuality is in my head big time along with other stuff that tends to pop out whenever it feels like it. So for me not to be inspired to write about something that’s near and dear to my heart doesn’t make sense – it defeats the purpose. Someone mentioned to me that bisexuals need their own community and one designed to deal with the inadequacies of the current LGBTQ community and a community whose focus is more on LG issues than BTQ issues. I really don’t know if such a thing is possible, what the remit would be and, gulp, how best to reach the many bisexuals and more so when bisexuals aren’t exactly the easiest people to be found. I guess at some point someone – or a bunch of someones – will be able to get together and create such an entity but until that happens, all I can do is keep emptying my head on the matter so that there’s some real-life information being put out for folks to consider – and it doesn’t matter if those folks who find this interesting are bisexual or not. All this fuss is jumping off because of a lack of information and a lack of understanding about the bisexual mindset and while I’m just one bisexual person, well, someone has to step up and try to clarify things if at all possible and then do it without having to write a doctoral thesis. My final exhausting thought on this was that, sure, there are people out there writing scientific-like things about bisexuality and they might be worth reading… but I maintain that if you wanna know about a bisexual, ask one… if you happen to know one or can find one.