There are some moments when I wish I weren’t bisexual. I actually get “tired” of managing my thoughts and desires, thinking that maybe my life would be “easier” if my cravings for dick never existed. When my mood gets like this, I used to get angry thinking back to the beginning, wishing that things hadn’t happened the way they did. While I never really got myself into trouble, I can easily see many moments that I wish never happened.
But then I start to wonder about the person I would have been had things not happened when they did and the way they did. Would I be straight and without any leanings toward the middle of the sexuality spectrum? Would I have embraced homophobia? Would bisexuality catch up with me at some later point in my life and development… and how would I have dealt with it? Fuck, would I have been able to deal with it?
No, you cannot change what has already taken place and any wishful thinking in that direction is, in fact, fruitless and serves no real purpose… except to get me in an introspective examining mode and “forcing” me to accept the reality of it all. My sexuality is either directly or indirectly responsible for making me the person I am right this very moment and I do happen to like who I am. I don’t really regret being bisexual – again, it makes no sense to have regrets about something you’ve already done and the best way to avoid this kind of regret is to not do anything that’ll qualify as regretful. I’ve had moments in this where I’ve told myself, eh, maybe doing it with this guy and/or in that moment wasn’t the smartest thing I could have done and then kick myself around for a few for using bad or poor judgement… but those moments were, by and far, fleeting; I’d kick my own ass about it and then find myself doing it again with someone else mere hours or days later and with the justification that despite what I’d been taught and other things I’d learned, sex is still a lot of fun and when you have dual sources for sex, well, what’s wrong with that?
The social stigma doesn’t really fuck with me a whole lot. Hell, yeah, I know it’s bad in the here and now but I’ve been around long enough to have lived through when any form of homophobia was dealt with in the harshest ways and any practitioners were greatly reviled. The social angst was really directed at anyone who was gay and, of course, more against men than women and bisexuals, for the most part, were overlooked and the general consensus was that anyone who was a switch-hitter wasn’t a bad person – just really kinda freaky in a good or bad way and depending on who you were talking to. All that revulsion didn’t instill any real fear in me but only a fool would act as if homophobic prejudice wasn’t a real and possible danger even if you weren’t really (or technically) homosexual.
I’ve had moments when I’ve said to myself, “I’m just not gonna do that anymore!” and as if I could really remove or otherwise disassociate the part of me that knows I like dick, too. Such foolishness on my part only served to remind me that bisexuality isn’t just about doing – it’s also about what’s going on in my head so while I could invoke some same-sex celibacy, I couldn’t stop my mind from thinking about it, couldn’t put a damper on the desires for dick, couldn’t convince myself that pussy was the only thing I’d ever need for my sexual satisfaction. And, yeah, it’s aggravating as all get out to attempt to do what’s really the impossible and it’d just start another round of me wishing that I weren’t bisexual… but knowing good and damned well that I loved being bisexual.
And not just because of the sex; it’s that sense of sexual liberation that can be such a rush, knowing that despite all the rules that govern our sexual behavior, I’m not a slave to them and I have the cojones to boldly step out of the box that was meant to contain and focus my desires on one thing. Oh, don’t get me wrong: I love women and pussy and I don’t think there’s anyone or anything that will ever change my mind about this side of my sexuality so when I think about both sides of the equation that is me, wow, whew, what a fucking rush it is to know that I can go either way in this, kinda thumbing my nose at the rules that say I shouldn’t have fun having sex with a woman and being able to have sex with a guy. Even in these more modern times when there’s a call for bisexuals to stop being in denial and accept that they’re really gay, that sense of liberation and freedom is much more important than what the naysayers are talking about. I never mean any offense to gay folks but, sorry, just being gay to me is just as restrictive and limiting as being straight – and no offense to the straight folks either.
I wish I weren’t bi… but the reality always comes home to roost and it’s always a cold slap in the face and one hard enough to banish those ‘negative’ thoughts back to wherever they came from. My reality says, yes, I love women and I love pussy… but I like men and love dick and even though there are those times when all of this can be a figurative pain in the ass, I’m not going to change what I am… and I’m not sure I could even if I wanted to… and I really don’t want to. I see the biphobia that’s running wild and it makes me shake my head sadly to see people railing against something they don’t seem to understand and what they do know is incomplete and rife with faulty data and logic processes and that all of this is really an emotional response more than anything else. I see the fear biphobia is instilling and this, too, is a sad state of affairs and doesn’t speak well of a society that’s supposedly civilized and enlightened. It has everything and nothing to do with me but, eh, all this crap isn’t anything new as far as I’m concerned because, again, I know society did the exact same shit to homosexuals when they jumped out into the open. Knowing this shit has come around again albeit in a different form doesn’t make me wish I weren’t bisexual and while I think it’s important to be aware of it, nah, none of that shit really bothers me nor does it make me question or try to reject something that’s just as much a part of me as breathing is.
I am what I am and what I’ve always been… and what I’ll continue to be until it’s all over with. I understand this thing about me and 99.999% of the time I’m quite comfortable with it – and I damned well should be given how long I’ve been bisexual. There are those wishful moments and I know that they’ll creep into my consciousness from time to time and it’s really unavoidable. Maybe I don’t have to pay attention to it… but I’ve learned from past moments that this is really just me keeping in touch with my bisexuality; not justifying it in that sense but just always being aware of the fact that I do like pussy and dick and in a way that’s unique to me… but not all that dissimilar to other male bisexuals. I know what I’ve done and, yup, what I’d like to do… but the moments remind me that being bisexual isn’t just about doing and at an even higher level of thought, it’s just the way I manage myself in this and invokes the mantra that just because I can do it doesn’t mean I have to…
But it’s damned nice when I can. It’s pleasurable and satisfying… and it’s so liberating to not be bound to the rules or trapped in a box that morality says there’s no way of getting out of because you’re not supposed to try to get out of it. I’ve asked myself that if I could go back in time and change some shit, would I change things so that I wouldn’t be bisexual?
And the answer is always, “Hell, no…” Yeah, sure… there are some things I’d want a do-over for but reality makes me realize that had I not gotten into those things I’d do differently, I wouldn’t have learned anything and everything I’ve learned has lent itself to my understanding of my sexuality and a great many other things. So sometimes it’s good that some wishes never come true…