In any kind of sexual activity, there are times when a person can guess wrong about the person (or the situation) they’re having sex with; you’re thinking of the outcome you’d like to experience and then what really happens is something very different. With bi guys, we don’t often have the opportunity to really get to know the guy we want to have sex with; we actually get to learn something that women are very experienced with, that being having a guy telling you what you want to hear in order to get you in bed… and then bringing shit to the party that you find isn’t to your liking.
Yeah, I’ve had more than my share of situations where I’ve chosen poorly in this and it took me a very long time to teach myself not to get all bent out of shape just because homey didn’t bring what I might have expected or wanted to do something other than what we might have agreed to before the fact and other things that have taken what I thought would be a satisfying sexual experience and turned it into a moment for me to kick myself in ass during or after the fact. I have found that there is nothing worse than lying with a dude and fervently wishing that he’d hurry up and cum so that I can (a) get the fuck away from him and (b) give myself the third degree so I can find out just where I fucked up in my decision to get naked with him.
In my beginnings, yeah, there were many times when I’d be into the sex and I’m there with the now sure knowledge that, um, maybe I shouldn’t have agreed to do this with him. I think my early fuckups didn’t have anything to do with the guy not being able to handle the business; no, they were more along the lines of how he brought the goods and in a way that I didn’t expect… then again, in those early days, I didn’t know then what I know now… but even in the here and now, it is possible to wind up in bed with a guy and have an experience with him that is way less than satisfactory.
Those early fuckups or, really, errors in judgement, can teach you (the hard way) how to look for the things that will let you know that what homeboy is saying and what’s gonna happen might not be the same things and even armed with such skills, yeah, you still might get it wrong and I’ve learned it’s because in most of the situations a bi guy can find himself in, he just doesn’t have the time it takes to get a really good read on the other person and to find out what’s really going on in his head.
Aw, man… in those early days, there were times when I really felt like I’d been victimized and taken advantage of – women can tell you that this does not feel good at all. One starts to really understand that there are guys who will do anything, say anything, in order to have their way with you and then it’s all about them slaking their lust and at your expense. You go through enough of these and you start to look for ways to avoid such situations and short of deciding that you’re not going to have sex with another guy again and, yeah, it creates a problem because you really kinda/sorta don’t want to give up having this kind of sex… but you also don’t want to run into that guy who isn’t going to give a damn about that which you find satisfying and gratifying.
Now, there are some choices in this… and none of them good. You can demand that he stop – and I don’t mean that good version of the word in this situation – or you can make him stop… and the situation can turn ugly, vicious, and even violent; yep, I’ve gotten into a few fights when stopping a guy who’s doing me (or trying to do me) in a way I’m not feeling. It can put a fella in a bad situation: Do you make him stop whatever he’s doing and hope he doesn’t get pissed and want to fight… or do you not say anything and let things continue to their obvious conclusion in order to avoid such a confrontation? And, yes, you can really get to understand why and how women behave in this situation because unless the guy is trying to do some serious harm to you, sadly, it’s often “easier” to let him finish than it is to take the chance of getting seriously beat-down for denying an overly aggressive guy the sex he wanted.
Some say that you’d never know what a good sexual experience can be like until you have some bad experiences and I’d agree with that because unless you really know the guy, you’re not going to know that things are going to go south until they start going south. Again, it’s not as much about technique or a lack of skills as it is the attitude of some dudes when their lust has consumed them and has robbed them of any common sense, consideration, or compassion. I feel I need to point out a difference in this situation: This isn’t quite the same as the kind of situation where you’ve deemed the guy to be okay and the sex starts… then you find out that you really didn’t want to do it in the first place – you’ve essentially changed your mind for some reason that doesn’t have anything to do with him.
Because a lot of us will have, ah, opportunistic sex with another guy, time, as I mentioned earlier, isn’t something we have a lot of and it’s kinda difficult to develop the skills that will allow you to discern a guy’s intentions in a really short period of time and more so when a lot of hookups happen via the Internet and you don’t have the benefit of actually talking to or seeing him before the fact. We’re very much subject to that whole instant gratification thing: I want to have sex with you and I want to do it now and I don’t have the time or patience to have an in-depth discussion with you about it so either give it up to me now – no more talking – or take your punk ass someplace else, bitch! Even when you just happen to run across a guy who’s agreeable to having sex with you, you still might not have a whole lot of time to see past what he’s saying so you can have an idea of what he might do – it’s one hell of a crap-shoot and one that can turn into a regrettable clusterfuck.
I’ve tended to see this as “poor judgement” and sometimes believing the hype and even letting your own desire to have sex “blind” you to whatever bad signs homey might be giving up. Yes, there are some guys that just give off a very bad vibe and one that tells you that if you agree to have sex with him, it ain’t gonna go well and if you can pick up on that, it’s easy to tell him no, thanks – I’ll take the zero on this one, okay? But some guys don’t give off a vibe that your intuition can pick up on and it’s not until you get naked with him that you realize that you screwed the pooch on this one. You just really don’t know how a guy’s going to behave when he’s having sex until it’s happening and now you’re caught up in a situation that you are now wishing you hadn’t gotten into.
People say that bi guys having sex with other guys is risky business and the focus is on the health issues… but I think the bigger risk is winding up having sex with someone who has shown you that, yeah, maybe you should have told him no from the beginning. It can be emotionally damaging; your pride and ego can take a huge negative hit and, damn, I don’t know if there’s some sure-fire way to avoid these situations except to say that before agreeing to have any kind of sex with another dude, make the time to get inside his head and find out whether or not doing it with him is going to be a good thing for you to do. Even with this bit of advice, you can still guess wrong about the situation and all because in the heat of the moment, eh, not everyone is in total control of themselves. And, obviously, the best way to avoid choosing poorly is to not get into the situation in the first place, resolving to not have sex with a guy and no matter how badly you want to. Some guys can pull this off and with little or no internal issues… but some of us can’t because, well, we’re guys: When we want to have sex, we’re gonna eventually cave in and get it done and, hopefully, things will go the way we need them to.
I learned to minimize these situations by (a) not really believing he can do all the shit he says, (b) not having any expectations, like not expecting that he’s gonna make me cum or he’s gonna be able to cum, stuff like that and, (c) having the sure and firm knowledge that I know what I’m going to do and what I’m not going to allow and, yeah, having the muscle and quick (and dangerous) temper to keep him from doing anything I don’t want done to me. Okay, sure, the ball can get rolling and I’m finding out that, say, he’s not sucking my cock the way I like having it sucked and, uh-huh, that’s a bummer… but not really a regrettable moment or a reason to call a halt to the proceedings; I know that just because he can suck dick doesn’t mean he knows how to suck my dick, ya know? But if he’s being too rough or too aggressive with me and, God forbid, trying his best to fuck me when that’s not what I want to do, well, yeah, things can get nasty in a hurry and even if they don’t get nasty – and I always hope that they don’t – it can make me walk away from the experience with the thought in my head that I’ve chosen poorly for this instance.
It just sucks – and never in that good way – when this happens. We want and even expect our sexual encounters to go well, to be hassle-free, uncomplicated, and totally satisfying and while this isn’t really an unrealistic expectation, one should always be aware of the fact that what we expect ain’t gonna be the same thing the other guy might be expecting…
On to something else…