Yesterday, a guy made a comment to my “Better or Not?” blog and used the term “closeted faggism” to describe married bisexual men who cheat on their wives with men only but not do any cheating with other women and I thought, “What the fuck does that mean?” I sat and thought about that while I commented on the somewhat negative comments made toward bi men and it brought to mind that while bisexual men have bisexuality in common – we’re the same – we don’t act on our bisexuality in the same ways – the “but not really” part.
Thinking about what Flake said, nah, I don’t find it to be, um, “truly gay” if a married bi guy chooses not to cheat on his wife with other women and limits his dalliances with men only; yeah, it sounds weird that such a man would be “faithful” to his wife by not getting with some other woman but is willing to break the faith to get some dick and I thought really hard about how many guys I personally knew who behaved in this fashion and recalled that, yeah, there are a few that comes to mind. I recalled that one guy told me (before we got busy with each other) that while he loves his wife very much and that having sex with her was the bomb, his need for dick can only be taken care of by another dude and he wouldn’t even think of stepping out on his lady with another woman.
Makes sense to me. Flake’s comment had me wondering if there are a lot of gay folks who have reason to believe that if a bisexual doesn’t do any opposite sex cheating, that must mean that said bisexual is really a closeted gay… and then it had me wondering why they’d even think this was true to begin with? Okay, as a married bisexual, I’ve done my dirt with both men and women (and I had permission, by the way)… but just because a married guy steps to the side to get his share of cock doesn’t mean he’s gay. Uh-huh, I’ve heard of guys who married a woman, had been doing the deed with her and then discovered that they were really gay… but I just wouldn’t say that a guy who is boffing the shit out of his wife but getting cock on the side is really a gay man buried deep in some closet.
Rumor has it that gay men, across the board, would rather eat shit and die before having sex with a woman and many of the gay men I’ve talked to have expressed this to me enough times for me to say, okay, there’s some truth to this and I know that some men have gone from straight to bisexual to gay, you know, because they’ve found their true sexuality identity (I personally know two guys who made this transition) and I guess that because there are many more men who have made this transition, it lends to the position the biphobic crowd has that bisexual men are just at some waypoint on the road to being 100% gay… but this really highlights the limited thinking those folks have in assuming that people are either straight or gay and there’s really nothing between the two sexuality extremes.
I accept that when I have sex with a man, it’s homosexual and there’s no point in trying to say that it isn’t and, likewise (and obviously so) when I’m getting jiggy with a women, it’s all heterosexual. But bisexuality is quite fluid because some guys are more bisexual than others and (I think) based on whatever their needs are in this, i.e., some bi guys gravitate more toward women than men – this lends itself to the perception that bisexuality is an either/or kind of thing instead of an inclusive one – men and women and not necessarily at the same time but, yeah, if one can do it like that, this works, too. Bisexuality is diverse because we all just don’t do things the same way; some bi guys are tops, some are bottoms, some don’t care either way; some are into anal sex, some aren’t; some are into oral sex, some aren’t; some take their kinkiness to the next levels, some ain’t even trying to go there. Hell, we’re not all bisexual for the same reason; some of us are “just born to be this way,” some are made to be this way, and some guys are bisexual because checking out some dick is the next thing on their list of things to do in this life.
I just don’t think Flake was totally right about what he said. I’m not really poking the guy or trying to antagonize him in any way but the only way I can see some “closeted faggism” going on with a married guy is if he’s married to a woman just to keep the appearance of being straight and they have an arrangement in place for him to do his gay thing and she can do her straight thing and the twain never meets for them in the bedroom other than maybe sleeping in the same bed – and maybe they don’t… who knows? As a swinger, I know there are married guys who are only allowed to get their share of dick in this setting; getting some cock outside of the swinging environment is forbidden; some guys are allowed to only get their dick outside of the environment – but getting some extra pussy will get their head handed to them. And, of course, some guys are with women who don’t know he’s bi and the only way he’s gonna get his craving for man meat taken care of is to go on the DL and, hopefully, she never finds out and, yeah, he might even be getting some coochie on the DL as well for all anyone knows.
There are so many variants in play in how a guy – married or otherwise – handles his bisexual business and I just don’t think that you can generalize bisexual behavior so that you can say if “Tom” cheats on his wife to get dick – but he doesn’t go out on a trim hunt – then he must be a closeted gay. I don’t think you can generalize things if a guy gravitates more toward men than women and assume from this that he’s on his way to being 100% gay; hell and damnation, you can’t really generalize things if a guy gravitates more toward women than men and say that he’s not really bisexual. He might allow that he likes pussy more than dick… but you didn’t hear him say that he didn’t like dick, huh? He might like dick more than pussy… but wouldn’t kick the pussy out of bed for what I’d think is an obvious reason.
I’ve said that for myself, I wouldn’t want to be gay because (a) I find it sexually limiting and (b) gee, I just love pussy too much to ever want to give it up; likewise, I love dick too much to just be straight and, no, none of what I just said is in any way a condemnation about being straight or gay – it’s just not the way I wanna roll in this. Bi guys do what they do and in the way they do it based on their ability to do it and other situational things. Like, I know guys who spend “more time” fucking dudes than they do women and simply because when it comes to the ladies, they ain’t got enough game to get in her panties. Doesn’t make them a closeted gay – it just makes them damned unlucky with the babes and now it’s a matter of any port in a storm for them.
This writing doesn’t even get into those bisexual guys who are in a relationship with a guy (other than a sexual one). This situation begs the question that if “Tom” is in a relationship with “Bill,” is he really bisexual? Well, yeah, if “Tom” still likes pussy and just because he’s being monogamous with “Bill” doesn’t invalidate his bisexuality… but some say it does because of what it looks like… but things aren’t always as they appear to be, are they?
We are the same… but not really. It’s not as much about what we do as it is why we do whatever it is we’re doing in this and if one really wants to know, ask a bisexual why he does what he does instead of assuming that he’s something he really isn’t; just saying that he’s gay (or needs to be or whatever) based solely on what he does and why he does it is, in my opinion, inaccurate. Flake, if you’re reading this, yeah, I know what it looks like… but we all need to see with better eyes when it comes to this and be willing to get into the details before shoving someone into a box they might not belong in.