A guy I ran into and I had just finished sucking each other into near unconsciousness and were sitting and talking about how we got into liking dick as well as pussy when he asked me, “Man, how have you been able to run into so much cock? To me, it seems like that more I look, the harder it is to find it!” At first, I thought his question was rhetorical until he told me he really wanted to know… and I had to tell him, “I honestly don’t know – just lucky, I guess!”
In those pre-Internet days, if you weren’t fortunate to (a) run into a guy into man-sex and (b) able to hook him up to be a regular partner (or even a boyfriend), finding guys to throw down with was a pretty damned hard thing to do and I’d even say that the “scarcity index” depended upon where you lived. I remember telling him that when it came to going on the prowl for dick, I just wasn’t good at it and learned that it was easier to let them find me.
“So did you do it with any guy that came along?” he asked.
“At first, yeah, and especially when I was younger,” I admitted, feeling my face warming. “But as I got older, I became more… discriminating and choosy so even when some dude hit on me, if I didn’t think or feel that he was okay, I’d turn him down and go on about my business.”
He nodded his understanding and added, “I know what you mean – trying to pick up a guy is almost impossible! There’s got to be a way to do it, right?”
“I don’t know if there is a tried and true way to do it,” I said. “I mean, you can go to one of the two gay bars in town and not be able to convince someone to go to bed with you! And if you saw a guy you were interested in, hmm, you’re taking a big risk hitting on him because if he ain’t down with it, he might want to kick your ass for asking for some dick!”
“Yeah, I found that one out the hard way,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m just glad I ran into you when I did, ya know?”
Pure dumb luck was very much in play in those days before the Internet and by the time it came along – does anyone remember BBS? – it began to get “easier” to hook up with guys… but there was a big downside and one that exists today: You had no idea what kind of guy you were dealing with because anyone can sit behind a keyboard and say any old thing; you didn’t have the advantage of looking homeboy in the eye or reading his body language or anything else. Even in the BBS era of the Internet, um, you were still pretty much relegated to trial and error finding cock unless you happened to live in an area that had adult book stores, truck stops, X-rated theaters, saunas/bath houses, etc., and where I lived, we had like one adult theater, two book stores, and no trucks stops or bath houses. Shit, the first time I saw a glory hole, I wasn’t even in my home state! You could go to the YMCA and maybe get lucky and if you happened to be a member (or found yourself living there) because, at least here, there were always rumors about abundant cock at the Y… but that meant you had to be able to hang out there and the staff made sure that if you had no reason to be there, you couldn’t just hang around and look all suspicious.
I always thought that I had that proverbial sign on me somewhere that told guys, “Come fuck me!” My luck was such that when I didn’t want to be bothered with any dick, every motherfucker in the city that liked dick and ass would flock to me but when I did want to be bothered, it was ghost town time. When I told my partner du jour that, he laughed in that understanding way because, yeah, since we both lived in the same city, our environment was the same.
He said, “The fucked up thing is that I’d get hit on by guys whose hand I wouldn’t want to shake, let alone do anything more than that!”
I knew what he meant because there were plenty of very creepy guys in the shadowy underside of the city. They’d look and/or feel shady and their health was very much in question, too; HIV/AIDS hadn’t made an appearance yet but dealing with those guys could get you a crab lice infestation, a dose of the clap, Hep B or C, or a worse dose of syphilis… or all of the above. The one advantage in living in the small city (as compared to Philly) is that you knew who these guys were and where they hung out and unless you were really desperate, gullible, or just plain stupid, you avoided these guys like the plague.
The guy I was with said, “Your choices are really limited! You’re damned lucky to find someone you know who might want to do it or if you’re really lucky, you might find a cousin who’s interested. I met this one guy about a month ago who had a brother that was down with it and, well, that was just too creepy to think about, ya know?”
“Creepy, but not unheard of,” I said. “When you don’t have much in the way of options, you pretty much take what you can get…”
“Yeah, but since dick is so hard to find around here, it makes you appreciate it more when you can find it,” he said, reaching over to stroke my dick and as he did so, I thought about what he had just said and found that he was right on the money about that.
Many years later, I found myself in a similar conversation – on the Internet – with a guy who was totally frustrated with his inability to find someone to have sex with and he, too, asked if there was a better way to hook it up. While I allowed that Internet chat rooms (there were no gay dating sites yet) existed just for bi and gay men, shit, you still have to have enough game to proposition a guy and get him to accept or be more willing to take a chance with someone you can’t see – and with the understanding that even if he sent you a picture, um, it might not be him. Most of the time, the guys who were more than willing to sleep with you weren’t exactly on the other side of town; if you wanted to get with them, some traveling was involved and it seemed to me that the guys I thought would be perfect – like the guy I was chatting with – were always hundreds of miles away.
People think that the DL is some “new” thing but the truth is that it’s been around for a very long time and it’s just that the Internet made it possible for the DL to become quite visible. If I had a dollar for every guy I ran into who liked dick but was sneaking around to get it, I’d be pretty well-off by now. Yeah, those guys were cheating on their partners – and, yes, there were gay men on the DL as well – but that just highlights the major disadvantage to being bisexual or gay and in a relationship with someone who (a) wasn’t equipped to give you what you needed or (b) wasn’t giving you enough of what you needed or in the way you wanted it.
The Internet made it possible for guys to be very discriminating when it came to the kind of guy you wanted to have sex with. Before the Internet, there were a lot of times when I managed to arrange to hook up with a guy… only to find that, ah, he wasn’t exactly fond of Black dick and, sometimes, didn’t like the Black guy attached to it and because he was Black; maybe the hook-up would proceed – and depending on how much the other guy wanted some dick because the color of his skin never mattered to me – and maybe we’d find we were too different to allow something to happen. Today, there are all kinds of willing and swinging cocks to be had… provided you can meet someone’s very exacting preferences and, yeah, if you’re willing to travel to get it and then be able to host or, if you were in a relationship with someone, be able to get away long enough to do your dirt and get back before arousing suspicion.
A man asked me, “What’s the perfect situation for guys like us?” and “us” meaning married bisexual guys. I told him that the perfect situation would be having a wife who knew that we were bi and one who’d allow us to get what we need – and provided we did it safely – and even a relationship situation that would allow us to cultivate a more long-term sexual relationship with a guy, aka, the fuck buddy, and even then as long as those activities didn’t interfere with your relationship with her.
He said, “Yeah… good luck with that one, huh? My wife would leave me in a heartbeat if I ever tried to run that past her!”
That’s pretty much a given for a lot of bi and gay guys who are already in a LTR with someone, making the DL the only choice… and even when it’s not the most attractive choice available. The guy said I was damned lucky to be in a relationship where I could get some cock and not get my head handed to me and, indeed, it’s more the exception than the rule… but even that doesn’t make it easier to find someone you’d want to play with because, duh, you still have to get lucky enough to find someone who’s not only willing but available, too; a lot of hookups are done as quickly as possible and, I found, sometimes to avoid attracting some unwanted scrutiny or attention by those who have no idea that you’ve got a taste for cock to go along with your taste for cunny.
You’d think that if bi guys are hard to find, then willing gay men should be easier… but that’s not as true as it seems because, yep, there are a lot of gay men who wouldn’t get caught dead sleeping with a bi guy. I’ve had gay men tell me in passing conversations that they’d never sleep with a guy whose cock has been anywhere near pussy; I’ve heard them say that they’d never get involved with a bi guy of any kind because they’d be unwilling to enter into a LTR and would wind up cheating on them. I know I’ve slept with a lot of [safe] gay men who made it clear that they didn’t care if I was bi, married, or even Black as long as I was willing to get with them but, yeah, that’s once again more the exception than the rule in my experiences.
The people who think that bi guys are just out there fucking anything that’s alive don’t give much thought to how difficult it is to find someone to have sex with – period. I think they see the potential we have to get pussy and dick and since we can do it, well, we must always be doing it and, as such, that makes us quite unsavory. Honestly, I don’t see where my behavior as a bi guy, on the whole, is all that different from other guys who are looking for sex, either from a LTR partner or, if they’re single, anyone who will say yes to the sex because almost everyone out there – men and women – are trying their best to get all the sex they can and, yep, even if some of them have to resort to going on the DL to get that which turns them the fuck out… and including anyone who’s alive and well… and the more often, the better. They say our bisexuality makes us more promiscuous… and I know straight and gay people who make me look like a prude when it comes to promiscuity so, again, how is being bisexual any different from anyone else who’s trying to get laid as often as they can… and by any means necessary?
Yep, we get hammered with the bad rep of being habitual cheaters because it is true that if we’re in at LTR with a woman and we absolutely, positively have to have some cock, well, there’s only one way to get it… but, once more, how is that any different from people who are straight or gay and in a relationship and find out that they need more than what they’re getting at home (and if they’re getting any at all, right?) and they wind up stepping out for fulfillment? Of course, relationship purists insist that one should never, ever have to step outside the relationship for sex… and I think they’re a lot more clueless than they’re willing to admit and I will state that, yes, there are people who feel no need to step outside… but it doesn’t change the fact that people – and regardless of sexuality – do, can, have, and will find a reason to do just that so, fuck no, it’s not just bisexuals who are guilty of this crime against relationships.
It always comes down to luck and good fortune and, today, finding dick is still as risky and problematic as it was when I started feeding my need for dick. It’s an even bigger crap shoot than being able to find a woman willing to have sex with you and I’ve learned that if you think women can be really funny about who they’d want to let in their panties, guys are so funny that they can make most women look easy to have sex with. I’ve gotten more dick by accident than I have on purpose – well, in my adult life, anyway because, yeah, in my younger, cock whore days, dick was too easy to find as compared to (a) today and (b) being an adult.
Sometimes you get lucky… but most of the time, you’re just shit out of luck and if it wasn’t for bad luck, you wouldn’t have any luck at all…