Those of you interested in this topic should take a peek at what Forever wrote about this and, of course, the comments made (including my own). Man, this is such a hot-button topic, ain’t it? For those people who have that unshakable belief in monogamy, married or otherwise hooked up, the DL shouldn’t exist at all and that they should be all you will ever need, both emotionally and physically.
The truth, however, is somewhat different and I’ll say this right up front: Being totally monogamous does work for a lot of bisexual men and women! But the truth is that it doesn’t always work because a bisexual’s partner just cannot provide for all of their needs and mostly because their partner simply isn’t equipped to do that, never mind being of a mind to be able to do anything about it.
I ain’t saying it’s right… but I understand it. Forever provided some links that give tips and clues to figure out if someone’s on the DL and while I don’t doubt that such information would be helpful to some, I don’t think that it’s the thing they should be paying the most attention to: They should be paying attention to why their man or woman is on the DL and, nope, sexuality ain’t the only reason why they’re there.
Now, should a bisexual let their partner know that they’re bisexual? Yes, they should… and then be prepared to deal with whatever happens after they do. I was just told that some women don’t care that their man is bi and, yep, there are men who don’t care if their woman likes women as long as their sexual activities are confined to them alone. Having said that, there are still many men and women who would just lose their fucking minds to find out that the person they’re with is bisexual and this ain’t a good thing by any stretch of the imagination.
You can’t really “blame” them because monogamy and heterosexuality are what they are; it’s the way we’re supposed to live, love, and relate… which still never, ever, changes the fact that this ain’t always what happens. You’re not supposed to cheat or even think about it; likewise, there’s never supposed to be a reason for anyone to hit the DL and when it happens, there is absolutely and positively no excuse for going there. And if you believe that, I’m about to ruin your whole day because what you think is supposed to happen doesn’t always happen and that sexuality doesn’t always play into this. So while you can’t be blamed for believing this, you might be guilty of being a bit short-sighted if you can’t get your head around how such shit can happen and, you betcha, you could be the reason why it’s happening.
So… why do people cheat? Some people just cannot be monogamous – they really and truly just don’t have what it takes to be monogamous and whether you feel this is good or bad is something I’ll leave up to you. I’ve come to understand that people cheat when they feel that their needs are not being taken care of as they expect them to be and, hell, no, it is never what you think regarding their needs. It’s rather simple (and not so much): If you can’t give me what I need, here are my choices:
- Dump you and try to find someone who can provide for all of my needs, right now and in the foreseeable future.
- Sacrifice that which I need in favor of maintaining my relationship with you and not giving you a reason to be totally pissed with me.
- Do something about that which you either won’t or cannot do and, hopefully, without fucking everything up in the process.
- Try to convince you to let me have my cake and eat it, too.
Monogamy only allows the first two choices and the third, well, don’t even think about invoking option number three, right? I state, and probably to the dismay of my followers, that which I see is a hard-coded fact: If I want to suck a dick, my woman doesn’t have one and, fuck no, sucking on a fake dick ain’t cutting it, which returns me back to those choices I just mentioned and, honestly, none of those choices are really what I’d call good ones, except maybe the fourth one… and let me know how that one worked for you.
Cara, a commenter on the aforementioned blog, said that being up front about your sexuality is important and, yep, I’d readily agree with that… but don’t a lot of us know what usually happens when we tell people that we like pussy and dick? Honesty might be the best policy… but the truth will set you free and in ways you’d probably not want to experience; it might unburden your soul (which is what that saying really means) but it can also free you from your relationship, too, because let’s face it: Not everyone reacts or responds in a positive way about bisexuality. You can come clean with your man or woman and they can be very positive about it and, hopefully, this revelation will not automatically make them paranoid about anything that you’re doing when you’re not with them.
Hopefully, you’re not with someone who will take the fact that you’ve had sex with a man before and assume that you’re still doing it or planning to do it in the future. Hopefully, you’re not with someone who just isn’t going to lose their fucking mind to (a) find out that you’re not entirely straight or (b) think that your sexuality exists because of them, like, for some reason, you have a reason to not like having sex with them.
Now, um, sometimes, that’s exactly why a bi guy might step out on you and, mostly, because of what you’re not gonna do and, no, it doesn’t matter why you won’t do it and the usual “culprit” in this is the much sought after blowjob. If a woman refuses to suck her man’s dick and/or won’t suck him off, well, that can be a problem and conventional thinking says that if she can’t or won’t do it, too bad for you, fella – you’re just gonna have to go without that particular pleasure. I can (again) tell you that I have sucked the dick of many a married (or otherwise) guy simply for that reason alone; I’m not saying it’s right… I just understand it. I know, because I’ve been there just like most guys, that when you’re with a woman who has a long list of things she ain’t gonna do, that’s a problem and one that, conventionally, we have zero recourse with. You don’t really fault her in this because most women have a damned good reason for not wanting to do it, just as they have a reason why they might do it on special occasions, like a birthday or anniversary (or if you spent a shitload of money on them). None of this changes the fact that, yeah, this is a need he might have – and, you’re damned right if you think this is also true about eating pussy – and for some men – and women – it doesn’t take that much of a leap in logic that if you’re not going to do it, someone else will be more than willing and able to do that which you cannot or will not do.
Yep, it sucks… but it is a given that none of us want to accept. You can maintain and preach about monogamy being the best and only way until you turn blue in the face but, yeah, that your partner could wind up on the DL because you are unable or otherwise incapable of seeing to all of their needs is a stone cold fact of life. The blog I mentioned was about bisexual men and, sheesh, yep, we’re more known for being on the DL than women are… but if you think women aren’t out there on the DL, well, I’m going to once again ruin your day and tell you that they’re out there, too, and for the same reasons why a bi guy is out there: If she wants the touch of a woman, homeboy, you ain’t a woman – you are just unqualified to take care of her needs in this and just like men can be, they’re not willing to (a) dump their man or (b) sacrifice their needs or (c) know for a fact that he’s not gonna let her have her cake and eat it, too (or is it pie in this situation?).
I ain’t saying it’s right… I just understand it. I understand that a bi guy will wind up on the DL not because he doesn’t love his woman or because he doesn’t love having sex with her; it’s because he has a need that she cannot provide for. Just as there are women who crave the touch of another woman, there are men who have that same craving so it’s not so much about what’s being done than it is who’s doing it and while one can look at the act or acts and think that there’s no difference in play when a woman sucks cock and a man does, I can tell you that there is a difference and it’s not easily explained why it’s different. There is a difference between sucking dick and eating pussy that’s beyond that which might appear to be obvious and, fuck, I can barely explain it – and I can explain most things most of the time. I can tell you that the differences live deep within us, that they are both subtle and intangible but they exist just the same and it’s the thing that, at the least, makes me say that a woman can throw all the pussy at me that I can handle – or even more than I can handle – but it cannot replace my need to have another man’s dick in my mouth and vacuuming up all of his spunk.
Is there a way to keep your man or woman off the DL? Yep… but you’re probably not gonna like it because that solution takes monogamy and flushes it right down the toilet. Does becoming open enough to allow for one’s sexuality make sense? Yeah, it does… but the question is always one of how damned likely is that gonna happen? And because it’s almost too easy to assume that this “pipe dream” wouldn’t happen – and it usually doesn’t – you’re right back to those choices that aren’t exactly what even I’d call ideal. So, now, you know that your guy or gal is bisexual and they’re not allowed to do anything about their other needs… um, what do you think is gonna happen next?
For some, hitting the DL is “automatic” but for most people, it actually takes some time before the decision to do this is made. What you now have to deal with is someone with some serious needs that are not being met and even objected to (I should be all that you will ever need!) and now a seed of discontent has been planted and more so if the person objecting is what I’d call rabidly homophobic or has that fanatical belief in monogamy. For a period of time, it can be ignored but they know it’s there and the longer this doesn’t get taken care of, the bigger that seed will grow… and now you have a very unhappy person on your hands and there’s just no telling what they’re gonna do about it. They could do nothing except keep being frustrated and depressed about not having that need met (or having their sexuality trashed, vilified, or otherwise discounted) or they could say, “Fuck it and fuck you – I’m leaving!” but since that might not be the best thing for their overall situation, um, exactly what do you think they might choose to do?
If you believe, deep down in your heart of hearts, that you are all that anyone should ever need, consider this a wakeup call because, um, you just might find out the hard way that you aren’t and can’t be – nothing personal. As I’ve said so very often, if you have a very long list of things you’re not gonna do for your man or woman – and no matter how badly they need it – well, take a guess at what might happen other than them dumping you. If you think that being in a relationship with them is about your idea of being in a relationship more than what their idea is, you might have a potential problem on your hands. If you think that being in a relationship is about your needs more than theirs, ditto. And, like it or not, believe it or not, it is very fucking true that if you don’t or can’t take care of your man or woman, someone else can and will do it for you… and then send them back to you happier than you could have made them.
I don’t condone it; I’m not saying that it’s right for someone to go on the DL when they’re in a relationship: I just understand it. See, when you get your partner concerned more about “me” than “us” you’re gonna probably have a DL problem or you’re gonna find yourself all by yourself. I’m not saying that one shouldn’t believe in monogamy and hold true to all that it means, but I am telling you even when your partner wants to spend the rest of their life with you, monogamy is never going to take care of all of their needs and you won’t be able to do it even if you swore before God Himself to do just that and if you did take that oath, you pretty much just perjured yourself, huh? You might believe that they should give up those desires you’re incapable of taking care of – or unwilling to take care of – and I’m here to tell you the truth that you don’t want to accept, that being, there are some people who aren’t going to do that and sexuality be damned because, at least in my opinion (and I might be alone in this), Rule Number One – look after your own ass first – doesn’t ever get revoked.
It’s not that your man or woman is on the DL as much as it is why they are there. You might be the reason; their sexuality might be the reason; shit and damn, they could be there because they believe they have the right to be there when you’re not giving them enough of what you have to offer. The devil isn’t in the act, as much as we’d like to believe; nope, the devil is very much in the detail. For some, it is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission and more so when, in a monogamous situation, you aren’t very damned likely to get permission and the only “permission” you might receive is to be single again.
I ain’t saying it’s right or that it always happens or could happen when you’re hitched to a bisexual.
I just understand it.