One day, right in the middle of me sucking a guy’s cock, a thought stabbed into my brain: “What would God think of what I’m doing right now?”
It was sobering and to the point where I actually stopped sucking that rather nice dick for a moment to ponder why this popped into my head and what the answer to the question was. I got him off and then laid back so he could work some magic on me… but I was distracted; despite the good feelings he was giving me, my mind was still trying to answer the question and I had a feeling that when I died, I was going straight to hell for this sin.
It wasn’t until I was a lot older that I realized that my answer, “If I’m not supposed to do this and God doesn’t like it, why did He make it possible for me to be this way?” is an answer that a lot of bisexuals I know gives when religion and their sexuality comes up. Those of us who grew up going to Sunday school and church services learned that the wages of sin is death and, oops, having sex with men is definitely on that list of things you’d better not do.
I started seeing the hypocrisy that goes on about this, how the Bible says a lot of things about sex not being between a man and a woman, and how preachers stand up there in their pulpits and rant and rave against homosexuality… and I know a lot of homosexuals who go to church, just like I knew a couple of preachers who didn’t have much to say about having their knob slobbed by another man other than, you know, calling on God and Jesus for help when the sex is getting pretty damned good.
It created a crisis of faith within me; was my soul now at risk and I’m going to be damned for all eternity? I resolved – and probably like other bisexuals – that, okay, I might go to hell after I stand in judgement but it’s not because I don’t believe in God – I just have a big problem with what’s being preached and the hypocrisy that goes on because how the hell are you gonna tell me that I’m going to hell for having sexual congress with a man… and I know you’re not only doing that but doing shit that, at the time, I wouldn’t have done?
A few years later, I ran into a priest who admitted to me that, yeah, he likes dick even though he knows the Word of God better than most people. He told me that every time he laid down with a man, he knew he was violating a lot of oaths and promises… but even he said that even though we’re all born into sin and God gave us the free will that allows us to sin, we’re all forgiven as long as we believe and, of course, accept Christ as our personal Savior. I was like, wow, ain’t that about a bitch? I thought that if a man of God, a Shepherd of the Flock can say something like this and has that special love for his fellow men, hmm, maybe this whole thing isn’t really as bad as they say it is. This priest told me, and in some very explicit detail, how and why he loved sex with men and how, early on, he had this conflict between his priestly duties and his undeniable need for cock but was learning how to not let it mess with him; he said that he could still follow his calling and spread the word to the masses… but he’d skip over any topic that had to do with homosexuality because, as even he said, if God didn’t want us to be this way, we wouldn’t be this way.
We had five people in our church who wasn’t exactly straight two men, three women (not counting myself or my bisexual wife at the time) and, damn, to hear what the membership would say behind their backs was, honestly, about as un-Christian as anything could be. It was bigotry on a level that I’d not experienced before and, yeah, the hypocrisy was flowing like a river because I knew for a fact that some of the people who were condemning these five people straight to hell knew from personal experience why they should go to hell. It made me think, “What… you’re saying that they should go to hell for their sexual sins… but you’re not going because you had some of that yourself? What the fuck?”
There was a period of time where a lot of the dicks I was sucking or otherwise dealing with were attached to avid churchgoers. I’d ask them how they dealt with this stuff that, clearly, goes against what we believe in… and they had no concrete answers other than to say that they’ve made their peace with God about it and they’ve left it all in His hands – and the sex would either jump off or keep going or this discussion would happen after a lot of seed has been spilt. Indeed, it created a curious thing in my mind to know that the guy sucking my dick (or fucking my ass) was more into going to church than I ever was; a lot of weird shit would go through my mind when I was blowing them or watching my boner sliding into their butt because, okay, this is morally wrong… yet his faith – and my own – was very much intact. So we’re good… and not really? And, sure, as you can imagine, when you’re in the middle of getting your rocks off, you’re not going to spend a whole lot of time pondering this until well after the fact – and if you even bother to ponder it at all.
So what’s the deal here? Is God truly okay with this and it’s just his ministers of faith that are taking issue here? Most ministers I knew were really Old Testament about things and I’d often mess with them by pointing out that a lot of the admonishments were more Jewish/Hebrew than anything else – ah, man, you should have been there to see the looks I’d get! I’d ask them which is more important: Adhering by what the Bible has to say or having faith in God, which may or may not be the same things (depending on what and how you believe)? I learned that some ministers, um, didn’t want to discuss such things and probably because they really didn’t have the answer and if I called them out for having a pastoral rant about sexual sins, all they could do was point to whatever chapters/verses in the Old Testament and say that it’s a sin and the wages of sin is death – the usual dire warnings about not living your life the way God says you have to live it.
Ellen posted a link to a blog about sexuality and being a Christian written by someone else – https://bellaelena.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/youre-so-far-into-the-closet-youve-met-mr-tumnus-christianity-and-not-being-straight – and I liked what the author had to say for the most part. Religion is rife with homophobic bigotry and I’ve always thought that a lot of this has to do with the clear fact that being homosexual in any way doesn’t lend itself to the perpetuation of our species; if you weren’t doing the nasty in the prescribed way to make babies, well, at least in the Old Testament, that’ll get you put to death. And, yes, it stands to reason that having your life or your immortal soul threatened in such a way can be enough to make you fuck the way you’re supposed to… as opposed to the other ways you can get your rocks crushed. I felt that these admonishments were designed to stop people from following their sexual urges… and urges that didn’t necessarily have to do with dick meeting pussy.
You’re not supposed to do it like that… and there are people whose job it is to constantly remind us of this… but some of them are doing exactly what we’re taught not to do. I asked myself one day, “Is it just me or is there something inherently wrong with this?” And then I decided that I wasn’t going to be concerned about it anymore because I have no questions about my faith or my belief in God… and it served no purpose for me to immerse myself in the ongoing hypocrisy taking place in church because “do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t exactly cut the mustard when it comes to this particular thing. And life is what it is; we know that despite any religious leanings, we have to live our lives in the best way we can for as long as we can; as a bisexual, that includes getting all the pussy and dick I can get because these things are part of what makes my life worth living – and with the thought that if there is some kind of reckoning when I die and some kind of life after death, well, I’ll just have to deal with it when it happens.
Yeah, that might sound fucked up… but unless you’re an atheist, sure, you’re gonna wonder if, say, giving a blowjob and loving it is going to get you into serious trouble in the afterlife and I think we all have to find some way to “justify” our behavior in this when we’re taught that, let’s say, “Connie” being happy having sex with men and women is a very bad thing to do. I think that if we continue to believe and, at the least, keep our faith intact we’re good and more so if we don’t buy into the hypocrisy that runs rampant in religious circles. They really and seriously want us to believe and behave the way they want us to but the truth is that, nah, some of us ain’t buying into this method of controlling our lives and our sexual desires. Will we burn in hell? Maybe… but a lot of us also know and understand that if we do burn, it’ll be for good reason.
Time to do something else…