First, I gotta give props to DC72 for writing this and providing some inspiration – https://recklesslydiscreet.wordpress.com/2015/03/18/serendipitous-avoidance/ – and you should go read what he wrote and give him some feedback, aight? So, let’s begin…
Attraction. Do you really understand what this is all about? We think we do and we’re even told what we should find attractive and what shouldn’t be, right? Over time, we develop our own sense of what is attractive, why it is, shit like that… and then we get married or otherwise hooked up and then, stupidly, start behaving as if we’re not ever attracted to anyone other than the person we’re hooked up with. We know – and we tend to find out the hard way most of the time – that attraction can be misconstrued as intent – if you think that girl over there is attractive, well, you must want to fuck her – and a partner can hand you your head for having a completely natural reaction to someone else, right?
So we go out of our way to suppress this natural reaction to people and, like I told DC72 in my comment, I pretty much made myself insane trying to act as if I wasn’t attracted to someone because conventional thinking when you’re in a relationship says you can’t be doing shit like that even if you aren’t sexually attractive to whoever you were looking at… or trying too hard not to look at. The obvious question here is simple: Does this really make sense?
Now, as a bisexual, damn, you get attraction in spades. As a guy, I see men and women who fits my idea of being attractive – and keep in mind that attraction to someone isn’t just about what your eyes see, okay? I had to be told by an elder that it’s okay to still feel attraction to someone even though you’re officially off the market and that if you don’t, well, you must be dead inside. He even said that if a beautiful woman passed me on the street and I didn’t at least look at her as we passed each other, I must be pussy-whipped and afraid to look and/or acknowledge that, fuck yeah, she’s attractive – and all because I’ve become afraid of how my wife was going to react to my being attracted to someone else.
Most of the time, a wife’s reaction when she discovers that hubby is attracted to someone else isn’t a good one. It somehow sends some bad messages to her, like, he doesn’t find her attractive, which turns into him not seeing her as being sexy, interesting, other shit like that, and it can put her on a downward spiral and a fit of rage that ain’t fun being subjective to… so we, as husbands, will go out of our way to not be attracted to anyone and, like DC72, avoid being in any situation where our attraction might kick in. I don’t know about y’all but I found that I couldn’t function doing this. I’m human, male, and bisexual; being attracted to people is part of the natural order of things and while I can be attracted – because I really can’t do one fucking thing about being attracted – yep, it makes sense that, in certain situations, you don’t do anything about being attracted or even let the other person know that you find them attractive.
Ah, yeah, um, it’s not always easy not to let your attraction to someone show; it’s like you just automatically react to them and even when you take great pains to guard your words, your body language is relaying your attraction to them big time and, if you’re aware of this, it can be a motherfucker trying to suppress your body language. Some of us can do it but it’s not as effortless as we’re told it has to be. Yep, it can be quite distasteful to be talking to someone, be attracted to them, and the print in my pants has becomes quite, ah, noticeable – but it happens and even when you flood your mind with distasteful things that are supposed to throw ice water on what you’re feeling.
All of this got me to saying, “I’m married… but I’m not dead yet.” It got me saying, at times, “Sure, I’m married – but I’m still a guy!” and, yes, that even goes into my being bisexual – it’s a little uncharacteristic for me but, yeah, I think Roman Reigns (of WWE fame) is damned attractive and hotter than a motherfucker and, yes, I’d suck his dick without giving it any thought at all if he allowed it. All of this says to me that I’m alive and well and even healthy in that I can be attracted and I can admit, without causing myself any angst, that I find someone attractive and, sure, I can even openly and freely admit to my wife that I find someone attractive – and I know that she’d want to check my ID if I didn’t find someone attractive because I’m not the guy she married and something must be very wrong with me.
My wife finds other people attractive… and this is just her being human and a bisexual woman but more than that, it tells me that she’s alive and well and that she’s functioning as she should be and, no, I don’t get offended because she might find someone else attractive and, conversely, she doesn’t get offended when the attraction bug bites me… and there is absolutely no reason to be offended. But because offense can and has been taken because of attraction to others, we work hard to suppress this, don’t we, and more often than not, it winds up having more detrimental effects on us than having our wife bitch us out about finding that chick over there attractive. It’s my belief that by suppressing our ability/tendency to be attracted, we are killing ourselves inside, participating in a form of denial that, at least to me, doesn’t make any damned sense – you’ve become your own worst enemy in yet another illogical way.
We get into “trouble” behind attraction to others because, let’s face it, not many people understand that thinking and doing are not the same things; just because you find something attractive about someone doesn’t always mean that you’re now plotting on how to get them into bed and fuck them and yourself silly. We fail, I think, to simplify attraction: You’re attracted to this person, um, because you are and because, uh, there’s something you find attractive about them. I’m not saying that we might not think about wanting to lay some pipe to and with them… but we also know that doing it will get us into deep doo-doo with the wife big time unless, of course, y’all got a different arrangement than most married people.
No, baby, just because I said that the woman over there was attractive doesn’t ever mean that I don’t find you attractive and this should be kinda obvious because if I didn’t find you attractive, I wouldn’t be married to you. Just because I said that, yeah, that woman is someone I find sexy (a) doesn’t mean I want to fuck her or (b) doesn’t mean I dislike fucking you for any reason. It doesn’t mean I’m gonna dump you for that woman and a woman who, by the way, didn’t even notice that I was looking at her nor did she have any idea that I found something attractive about her. So, please, if I said to you, “She’s pretty!” and you agree with me that she is, um, don’t start kicking me or yourself in the ass because we both found her aesthetically pleasing to look at, okay? That’s really a stupid way to behave! I’m not going to think anything bad about you if you thought that guy right there was attractive and, honestly, if you didn’t, my next question is going to be if you’re feeling okay or not or something else along those lines. I know that just because you might have found him attractive doesn’t mean anything other than him falling into your attractive zone and, being very honest, if you didn’t think – even for a nanosecond – about what he might be like in bed, I am really going to think something’s wrong with you and that, for some reason, something inside of you is dead and buried – and this is a problem.
If you notice that I’ve found someone attractive – and if you really know me, you’ll know that I am without me saying anything – and you ask me if I found them attractive, which is the worst thing: Me telling you that I found them attractive (and why) or me telling you what would be an obvious lie if I said I didn’t find that person attractive? And, oh, by the way, if we can’t talk to each other about such things, um, we have a problem, I think, and one that needs serious addressing. See, being attracted is built into us; it’s hard-coded into us and, yeah, it has a purpose, one of which brought us together. Now, if you agree with this – and I think you should – does the fact that I was so attracted to you that we got married mean I have to stop being attracted to other people and, really, just how am I supposed to do that other than it being implied that I shouldn’t be? Yes, yes, I know what the vows we took said and that we’re supposed to abide by them at all costs… but at the risk of losing a part of what makes us human? To actively try to defy and deny that built-in imperative to be attracted to other people?
Do you really and seriously believe that we can just turn this off like turning off a light? And if you do, we need to talk because, sorry, this is making me mentally irregular because I’m not the person that you found attractive and attractive enough to say, “I do…”
Ah, fuck me… that we try to make ourselves not be attracted to someone else when we’re with someone is supposed to be the “right and proper” thing to do. Yes, we must have self-control and self-discipline dealing with our attraction to others; otherwise, we look like a ravening idiot and that’s not a good thing. It’s about acceptance: We should accept that even though we’re married, we still have feelings and, yeah, we’re going to find someone else attractive… and all it means is that you are functioning normally because denying attraction just seems downright unnatural to this writer. If you don’t have the discipline necessary to deal yourself when you’re attracted, well, that can be worked on but if you’re in denial mode about being attracted to other people and believing that just because you’re married you’re not supposed to be, shit, I don’t really know what to tell you other than suggesting that there’s something wrong and, yeah, you probably know this already because you’re making yourself fucking insane trying to deny that you’re attracted to someone when you know good and damned well that you are.
Yep, those folks who are very firm believers in monogamy and take their marriage vows literally will say that, no, you are not supposed to ever be attracted to anyone other than the person you’re married to… and to those folks who say this, I ask a simple question: Do you know why you’re not supposed to? Huh? There’s a method to this madness, believe it or not and a part of it is to make you suppress the very natural and normal process of being attracted. How the fuck do you just turn this off? How many of us have looked at someone, found them attractive – and then admonished ourselves because we did and simply because we’re told – or even promised – that we can’t be attracted to anyone else. Does this sound nutty?
It should and because we just accept that we’re not supposed to be attracted to anyone else, we can do some serious damage to ourselves and, yes, being attached to a jealous person, it could cause some serious damage to be done to you. It doesn’t make any damned sense to behave like this because we can, in actually, no more not be attracted to someone else than we can just up and stop breathing – and if you don’t believe this, try to stop breathing and find out how shit is going to happen when you can’t hold your breath any longer. As a married man, it is the height of conceit for me to think that Linda couldn’t – and shouldn’t – be attracted to anyone else… and if I were stupid enough to tell her that she couldn’t, well, you probably wouldn’t hear from me anymore.
You accept attraction as part of the natural order of things and then school yourself not to act on that attraction when you’re in a situation where action isn’t warranted, mandated, or even necessary. Just because you got married doesn’t mean you stopped being human, did it? And if you believe this to be right, just, and true, well, I’m glad I’m not married to you…
I’m human, male, bisexual, and married… but I am by no means dead inside and when the day comes where I am truly no longer attracted to anyone other than my wife, then I will surely and literally be dead.