I was having a conversation with a guy about bisexuality and it was going well right up to the moment where he said that since I wouldn’t actively consider having a relationship with a man, then I’m not bisexual. Before I could react to such a statement, he said that when I decided to stop having anal sex, I stopped being bisexual… and I asked him, “Where the fuck did you get that shit from?”
The shorter version of his explanation was that, in his opinion, I’m not really bisexual if I’m not doing everything with a man that I could do with a woman and, for some reason, the fact that I had revealed to him some of the things I’ve experienced didn’t seem to, uh, validate my bisexuality. This – and other conversations I’ve had over the years along this school of thought – served to remind me that the validation of my sexuality is more dependent upon that which I decide, think, or feel gets that particular job done and not what someone else thinks that validation should look like.
This same guy insisted that since I admit that I don’t like men in the same way I like women, I can’t be bisexual and I asked him, “Who said that I had to?” He got this very stupid look on his face and said, “Well, that’s what I heard!” which prompted me to ask him, “Who are you gonna believe, that dumb shit you heard or me telling you how and why I’m bisexual? And if you’re buying into that dumb shit, wow, man… talk about being clueless!”
And I’m no longer surprised that there are non-bisexuals who somehow believe they know what being validated as a bisexual means or what form that validation should take. What surprises me, to a point, is that there are bisexuals who are buying into this validation “process” and, as such, giving themselves headaches because they are being told that (1) they’re not what they believe themselves to be and that (2) they must do something they might not want to do in order to be validated and verified as a bisexual – raise your hand if you think this is kinda ridiculous.
This is where the shit gets kinda weird and/or silly. A lot of us tend to be action-oriented and that what we do is more important than what we think or feel… yet, if you were to ask “Charlie” if he was bisexual, he might go ballistic on you and insist that his words are more important than whatever he’s been suspected of doing. So while many bisexuals deal with this as what I’d call an intellectual exercise, a lot of us do go on into the “proof of concept” phase and do some dirt to confirm that we’re exactly what we thought/felt we were. But some of us don’t or can’t go get dirty… but because of this, eh, it doesn’t invalidate their feelings of bisexuality. As I tend to say – and at the risk of repeating myself – thinking and doing aren’t the same things, just like thinking and not being able to do or even unwilling to do aren’t the same things; the lack of action does not – and I think cannot and should not – ever invalidate someone’s heartfelt belief that they are bisexual.
That guy I was talking to? Well, he kept telling me that I just couldn’t be what I’d proven myself to be and I asked him what proof would convince him that I am what I said I am? I asked, “Ah, okay… what do I have to do here? Do I have to give you a blow job and then turn around and fuck your wife in order to prove that I’m bisexual?” Of course, he got offended – and that was my intent – just so he could get a taste of how fucking ridiculous his assertions were. I did get a little pissy with him and asked, “How the fuck are you gonna tell me that I’m not bisexual? How can you stand there and tell me that you know more about this than I do when (a) I’ve been doing it for a long time and (b) you’ve never done any of it yourself? How do you fucking know that I’m not bisexual?”
Well, he got pissed because of my, ah, little temper tantrum (which was on purpose as well) and all he could do was stand there and be pissed and more so when he realized that he couldn’t answer my questions without looking more foolish than he already was. I was like, “I don’t have to prove shit to you but if you aren’t able to take my word for this, okay, I can prove it and in ways that will leave no more room for doubt in your teeny, tiny mind…”
I can’t begin to put into words the internal processes that I undertook to (a) explain my behavior and (b) validate or confirm that, yeah, I liked boys and girls and it began with admitting or realizing that, yep, okay, there are things I like about girls… and there are things I like about guys… then I spent years nailing down all the nit-picking details in this from both the thinking and doing side of things. At that point, the validation was “easy” because I’d proven that I wasn’t straight… but I wasn’t gay either so that only leaves one thing: I’m bisexual. Now, I could lie about it – and some people do because they get off on the shock factor – but lying about it serves no purpose and more so when one can almost easily assume that one day, someone’s going to call you on it and now it’ll be time to put up or shut up and if you start backpedaling, well, your reputation is going to take a very serious – and maybe even fatal – hit.
And even if I choose to lie to others about being bisexual, uh, how can I keep lying to myself about it and more so since I know (a) what I’m thinking and feeling and (b) everything that I’ve done to date and (c) what I’d have few qualms about doing in the future? I know it; I’ve proven it to myself… but if you don’t want to believe me, sorry, that’s not my problem and more so if you’re not willing to submit yourself to some first-hand proof. Nope, if you don’t wanna participate, I don’t have a problem locating some willing male and female participants so you can sit and watch what I’m doing either unless, of course, such things make you squeamish. And, seriously, if it does, then I don’t believe that you’re qualified or capable of telling me that I’m not bisexual and “simply” because I don’t do the things you think I should be doing.
I didn’t have to get into a relationship with another man to validate my sexuality; yeah, it told me some things about myself (some of which I still don’t like) but that particular “validation” took place way after I’d already confirmed to myself that I was bisexual. I have pretty much done everything with a man that I could do with a woman and I have sorted those things out into what I like and what I don’t like – which isn’t any different from what anyone else winds up doing – so, um, just because I’m not so much into anal sex with a guy these days doesn’t mean that I’m not bisexual because I have, can, and will have a ball sucking some guy off – and turn right around and have a field day with some pussy. Yes, I know that I can behave straight and gay in these things and the emphasis is on the word “and,” which ties it together. I could say “straight or gay” and this is acceptable to me as well but, yeah, I know it and have long since validated my sexuality to myself… so now it’s really a question of whether or not anyone else can accept my validation as given and not try to impose their own thoughts on the matter and insist that I can’t be what I’ve proven myself to be.
I’m not really sure why we, as bisexuals, have to validate ourselves. Straight folks aren’t required to validate that they’re straight any more than gay folks are required to but I guess it comes down to your mindset on things. For instance, if you tell me you’re straight or that you’re gay, then you are… until you prove otherwise. As far as I know, there’s no dyed-in-the-wool procedure or process on how to validate one’s sexuality – we all tend to do this in our own ways and reasons so there can’t be some “standardized” way to prove sexuality… unless, of course, you’re willing to get naked and prove it in a way that is undeniable and irrefutable. And if you’re not willing to do this, then you really have no reason to question the validity of my assertion that I am, in fact, bisexual… unless you want to subject yourself to a part of my personality I can assure you won’t be to your liking. There’s what you think… and then there’s what I know for a fact and if you don’t believe me, well, that’s your fault. If you’re of a mind that people are either straight or gay, you are very sadly misinformed and, sad to say, pretty damned clueless about a great many things.
I’ve been telling people that you don’t have to have a same-sex relationship to validate your bisexuality; you don’t even have to have the sex to validate yourself in this! The validation is, by and large, internal; you feel the pull in both directions (and in whatever way that is), you question it, then you start looking for the answers and, sadly, you’re gonna run across people who are going to be arrogant enough to tell you that you can’t be bisexual unless you do certain things – and that’s bullshit of the unadulterated kind. Yes, you can act… and I can tell you that ya might like it… and ya might not like it… but not liking it still doesn’t invalidate your feelings of bisexuality so, no, someone telling you that, if you’re a guy, you have to suck dick and take in the ass in order to be bisexual is their idea of what being bi means and not the truth as you understand it.
To all of my fellow bisexuals, male and female, if you’ve proved to yourself that you’re bisexual, you’ve validated yourself and in ways that no one else can possibly refute… but if they wanna refute it, well, put them on the spot and ask them how you can validate your sexuality to them – then sit back and watch what’ll happen next and, if you can, try not to laugh at them – it tends to make them feel badly. If they wanna insist that actions speak louder than words, well, if you’re like me, ha, they’re now just begging for some trouble that they’ve already proven they won’t be able to deal with – but that’s me. Like I told another guy once, “You want proof? Let’s go to your crib and get your woman, let’s all get naked, and I’ll prove it to ya, okay?”
He wasn’t interested – and I knew he wouldn’t be because talking shit is one thing – being willing and able to back it up is seriously something else. You want me to validate my sexuality? There’s only one way to do this beyond any doubt – but you might find it easier on your sensibilities to just believe me when I tell you that…
I am bisexual.