Over the years, I’ve heard a lot of guys say this when contemplating taking the plunge for the first time. The things said after the conditional word “but” have been fairly consistent across the board from “I don’t want people to think I’m gay” to “I’m scared” to “I don’t know if I can do it” to “I don’t know what it’s gonna be like” and even “I’m not sure that I’m gonna like it” and these things – and right along with some of the other things I’ve heard but can’t remember right this moment – are a natural reaction when thinking about doing something for the first time that’s prohibited and taboo.
I’ve talked to guys who were so eager to experience their first time that you could feel it radiating from them like body heat; I’ve listened to them talk about what they want to experience and why they want to experience but when I’ve asked them why they haven’t, things get a little iffy – “I want to, but…” followed by the conditions he feels is applicable. Some guys have told me that they’re not really afraid to do it – but they are afraid of the possible backlash if someone were to discover that he did the nasty like this, like a parent, their friends, a wife or girlfriend, coworkers, the preacher at the church (and the congregation), so on and so forth and this, too, is understandable.
One guy kinda busted my ass a little because, as he put it, “You make it sound so fucking easy to do!” and I had to agree that, yep, it is easy to do… but that’s because I’ve done it so many times and even though I had some scary moments for my first time, eh, they obviously weren’t enough to stop me from having that first time (even if it wasn’t my idea to begin with). I told him, “Once you get past that first time, the hardest thing you’ll have to deal with is finding someone so you can do it again – and that depends on how your first time went.”
Some guys have found it stupidly easy to take the plunge for the first time and I’m not sure if it’s really a matter of being bold, daring, and decisive or if it’s just been one of those, “Oh, fuck it!” moments where the guy says to himself, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained…” I’ve met some guys who have studied sex with other men in some pretty exacting detail, learning all they can learn without actually having to do it and they’ve decided that, yes, they can do this – they want to do this but, I dunno, somewhere between confirming their desire/need to this and actually taking that leap of faith, things get conditional – I want to, but….
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing because if you can say “I want to, but…” you’re thinking about this and, indeed, it is better to think this thing out as much as possible before stepping off the plank and, yep, it’s pretty silly to just jump into the deep end without considering the consequences of your actions. Still, I’ve sat and watched guys go through every condition they can think of and, honestly, it’s pretty fascinating to watch them go through their thought processes when they talk about why they can’t do what they want to do. I’m not saying that whatever comes out of their mouths after they say the word “but” isn’t important or otherwise lacks value to them because some guys have solidly legitimate reasons not to pull the trigger… but I have heard them talk about those things to either eliminate those conditional things so they can do it… or to convince themselves that they shouldn’t take the plunge at all… and while admitting that they still want to.
I’ve spent countless hours over the years talking to guys about this; some have gone ahead and taken the plunge (and some of them with me), while some have stood at the precipice, needing only to take one more step… and have stepped back to the relative safety of their comfort zone. I’ve heard some of those guys say, “Man, I had the chance – it was a perfect moment, but…” and, yes, I’ve heard guys say things that even to themselves sounded contrived and made-up excuses for not taking that final step – and they’ve felt badly because the opportunity passed them by. When they’ve told me about this, all I could do was shrug when they’ve asked me if they should have just gone on and done it and tell them that it’s not for me to say whether they should have or not. They’ve asked me what I would have done under those same “perfect” conditions and it’s really an unfair question and my answer is equally unfair: I would have gone for it – but the answer is unfair because I have the experience in this that they don’t have so, yeah, it’s easy for me to say what I would have done… and it’s also too easy for me to say what I wouldn’t have done given those same “perfect” conditions.
So… how does a guy eliminate the “but” in all of this? The answer is easy but not all that easy: You really sit back and think about the possible consequences of your actions. If you just jump into this and you don’t have a plan in place, sure, you might get through your first time without any real issues but, ah, Mr. Murphy just loves to show up and just fuck things up – and even if a guy has a great plan in place. That’s because one can never really think about everything that could possibly happen and it’s usually the one thing you wouldn’t have thought of in a million years that could cause a problem. I tell guys who are sitting on the bubble to play the “What if?” game with themselves, look at the answers that may come up, and then figure out the probability of any “bad” things cropping up and while playing the game is easy, working on the answers to “what if?” aren’t always easy to do; it takes time and lot of mental effort and, yup, I know guys who have stepped back from the edge because they just aren’t able to put that much effort into it.
Someone once told me, in an unrelated matter, that if it’s something you really want to do, you’ll find a way to do it. A lot of these guys I’ve talked to haven’t been so much worried about how to do what they want to do as they are about what might happen when they do it or after they do it – and there’s just no telling what might occur after the fact; maybe nothing happens, maybe the shit hits the fan in some way. And while guys come up with legit reasons not to have their first time, I’ve often thought that it’s the fear of the unknown that makes them hesitant and, honestly, I couldn’t never blame them for this. I felt that they reasoned that because they couldn’t really “see” what might happen, they figure that there’s no way for them to do it… but I’ve also seen guys shed their fears, take the conditions they’ve come up with and throw them away and just go for what they know – and then I’ve heard them say, after the fact, that now they’re wondering why they thought doing it for the first time would be so difficult and that, uh-huh, that they should have done this way before they actually did.
One of my favorite “I want to, but…” things are those guys who are worried that they won’t be good enough to do the deed – and it makes me laugh and, when I’ve stopped laughing, I’ve asked them, “How can you be worried about that when, um, you have to do it to know if you’re good enough?” I understand it and I don’t really discount their concerns about this but a lot of being able to take the plunge is about being confident and unafraid of any assumed failure or, in this case, assuming the other guy isn’t going to find you good enough – that’s one of those To Be Determined things because if you don’t do it and then maybe find out things you could have done better, you won’t be able to correct those things although, again, I’m not sure how a guy can be knocked for, say, not being able to suck dick “properly” when they’ve never done it before.
I’ve had guys be in the moment of truth and say, “I want to suck your dick, but…” and I know it’s that ethical conflict taking place because we’ve all been told that sucking another man’s dick is about as wrong as it gets. I’ve had them be in the moment of truth and I’m mere seconds from going down on them and have had them say, “I want this, but…” and for the same reason they might not be able to suck dick. It’s just one of those things that, if you really and truly want to do this stuff, you have to fight through the objections and/or reasons why you shouldn’t do whatever wants to be done. Some men find it easy to do this, many find it horribly difficult to achieve and their inability to do this often creates great conflict within them because there’s that part of them that knows, beyond any doubt, that they want and need to do this… then there’s that part of them that’s screaming at them not to.
Hell, I’ve even told guys, “I want to do this with you, but…” and I’ve had quite a few reasons to think or otherwise believe that it wouldn’t be a good thing for me – or that it might not be a good thing for him and all because it’s better to err on the side of caution than it is to make a mistake you might wind up regretting or to cause another man some emotional damage that will affect him badly – and damage he might not be able to recover from and that, at least in my opinion, is much worse that breaking the long-standing taboo about having sex with another man.
I’ve seen guys utter these words and give good and logical reasons why they want to but they can’t… and then seen them override the objections and take the plunge anyway and I’ve often wondered if their desires “got the best of them” because I do understand how powerful lust and desire is and how it can just unravel things and override our common sense – it’s that thing that’ll make a guy say, “Oh, fuck it!” and just do it and with the thought of, “I’ll deal with it after it’s all over…” Whether they regret it or not isn’t as much the issue as it is about the decision to take the plunge and how a guy can go about justifying doing that which he wants and needs to do… but has been told that he should never do.
I’d say that a lot of people think that bisexual men are just so horny and “greedy” that they just have this kind of sex and without any thoughts about the consequences of their actions and this really isn’t true at all because whether it’s a guy’s first time or his fiftieth time, “I want to, but…” can always crop up and, usually, when you’d prefer it not to. Because it can and does, it means that despite what others might think about bisexual men, we’re all not mindless or slaves to our sexual desires. We do think and can find reason not to do what we want to do… but we can also decide – and by whatever means we use to do this – that taking the plunge despite the objection just has to be done. I just find this interesting and, yeah, even funny at times…