I hadn’t seen him in a while, not since I heard that he’d gotten married almost a year ago… and he looked bad; he seemed troubled despite the smile he gave me. We shook hands, talked a moment about how we hadn’t seen each other in a long time, and when I asked him how married life was treating him, his smile faltered and he had the beginnings of that thousand-yard stare that told me that whatever was bothering him was bad… very bad. He tried to bullshit me by saying that married life was treating him well but I guess he knew I wasn’t buying it – I’m sure the look I was giving him spoke louder than any words I could use – and so after a few seconds of silence, he told me that for reasons he just didn’t understand, his wife had decided to stop having sex with him.
I remember my eyebrows crawling upward upon hearing this; I knew his wife and while I never fucked her, I also knew of her rep in the bedroom and a rep that had been verified by my saddened friend when he told me (and a lot of other people) that they’d hooked up, were in love, and were planning to marry. The one time I saw him before they got married, wow, the brother was haggard-looking and he confess that his fiancée was just flat-out wearing his ass out, sometimes demanding sex from him four or five times a day and every day except Sunday which, if he were to be believed, was an all day fuck-fest. I didn’t feel sorry for him at that time… but to hear that their sex life went from 100 to 0 in such a short span of time? I felt bad for him and more so when he started telling me about how he tried to find out from her what the problem was and the answers she gave back to him that didn’t make a lot of sense to him or even me… but they did sound familiar because I’d heard them before myself.
Perhaps unlike other guys in that situation, he wasn’t going to cheat on his wife with another woman even though he knew that there were quite a few babes who wouldn’t think twice about breaking him off some. Still, the longer he talked, the more despondent he became as he admitted to me that he had no idea what he could do about any of this – and I sure as hell didn’t know either; he told me he had tried everything I would have tried and a few things I wouldn’t have thought of and, damn, the man was in the worst possible place to be and with no idea how he got there, let alone how he was going to get out of that bad place. Then he really put me on the spot by asking me what I would have done and since he was on my “don’t tell” list, yeah, I lied to him and told him that I don’t know what I would have done other than spend a lot of time beating my meat and hoping things would get better.
“Man, I’m thinking of some shit,” he said, looking around as if he expected to be overheard by someone else.
“What kind of shit?” I asked, looking around as well – and only because he was doing it.
“Thinking about checking out some of those dudes into dick,” he said, his voice damn near a whisper.
“I didn’t know you were down with that,” I said.
“I’m not… but, man, I gotta do something, ya know?” he replied. “I love her… but I can’t take this no-sex shit from her!”
“You could always do it yourself,” I said, just tossing that suggestion out there.
“Shit, I been doing that and it ain’t doing shit,” he cursed, shaking his head. “Nah, man, I need my dick sucked and I need to fuck – fuck that jerking off shit! And, fuck no – I ain’t leaving her because I really do love her!”
I could only shrug while sympathizing with how he was feeling. We all grew up learning how funny women can be about sex, how they can go from they gotta have it all the time one day to not wanting anything to do with sex ten minutes later and, yeah, the reasons they give – and if they even bother to give a reason – often don’t make a lot of sense to us. I thought about what he said he was thinking about doing as well as remembering that, no, he was never like that, and that things had to be pretty fucked up for him to want to go this route.
“But, if you get with one of those dudes, um, some people would say you were still cheating on her,” I pointed out.
“Nope – it’s only cheating if I did with some other chick,” he said – and inaccurately so I might add. “Besides, if I rolled up on one of those other babes trying to get a piece of me, word would get back to my old lady before my nut dried up in one of them!”
Yeah, I knew what he meant; a lot of the, ah, looser women were definitely of the kiss-and-tell-the-whole-world variety. “But some of, um, those guys are worst than women when it comes to that,” I said. “Remember what happened to Dickie?”
“Shit, yeah, I remember,” he said. “That was some fucked up shit!”
Dickie was a dude we both knew and one who, for reasons that weren’t quite clear to anyone (and Dickie wasn’t saying shit about that), decided to get with one of the effeminate gay dudes in the area… and everyone found out about the details of that encounter ten minutes after it was over with. Not only did Dickie get his rep totally trashed, his woman took their kids and left for parts unknown and other women had put him on their “no fuck” list. All of that shit had gotten around so fast that I had heard about it because someone made it a point to tell me and I guess because when you have the dirt on someone, it just has to be spread around. What made it bad for Dickie was that he was always known as a ladies’ man and was damned good at laying the pipe.
“You sure you wanna do that?” I asked.
“What choice do I have, man?” he countered – if only you could have seen the look in his eyes when he said that! He was down to his final options and options short of divorcing the woman we all knew he loved like nobody’s business.
I saw him like a month or so later and made it a point to ask him if he did what he had been thinking about.
“Yeah, I did,” he said after looking around for eavesdroppers.
“And?” I asked.
“Man, that shit was off the hook,” he said, allowing himself a smile. “Shit made me wonder why I never did it before, ya know?”
“Hmm,” was all I said – like I said, he was on my list of people I’d never tell I was bisexual because while he was cool with me, he wasn’t that cool.
“I’m telling ya, man, if your old lady does some shit like that, you need to check out that other shit – straight up, man,” he said and I stifled a laugh at such a hearty endorsement of getting some man-on-man action. “I ain’t gonna lie – that dude’s ass felt better than pussy and, man, shit, he sucked my dick better than my wife could!”
I knew that was one hell of a testimonial because it was no secret that his wife could suck a golf ball through a straw – we all knew that even if we hadn’t experienced it.
“I’ll tell you something else, man,” he said as he stepped closer to me.
“What’s that?” I asked, pretty sure I knew what he was going to say.
“Sucking dick ain’t as bad as you might have heard,” he said, again whispering this “revelation” to me. “I could get used to that, yeah! Oh, and my old lady is back to giving up the box so all of that shit works for me, ya know?”
As we went our separate ways, I was surprised that this previously straight guy was now more like me than he’d ever know but, at the same time, it bothered me that he had to be taken to such depths of desperation… and depths I’d heard about from other men. I remember thinking at the time of how many guys I’d had sex with who had found themselves in a similar situation, or those guys who had zero luck in getting women into bed; if it wasn’t for bad luck, they wouldn’t have had any luck at all. With the exception of the guys who were curious about it and those guys who could legitimately blame it on the alcohol, I always thought it was both good and bad that these very straight men would become so desperate for sex that they felt so backed into a corner that their only recourse was to step into my world. I knew what it was like to just get cut off from the pussy like that but unlike most guys, deciding to get some dick instead was never a “measure of last resort” for me – for me, it was merely like switching gears or something or just being able to go from girl-sex mode to boy-sex mode without really having to think about it.
I’m not really busting women’s asses about this behavior as much as I’m talking about what a guy might do when they go from having a very healthy sex life with their woman to being forced into celibacy because she’s now feeling some kind a way about sex. It’s said that a desperate situations calls for desperate means and actions and, I dunno, maybe it’s just the way men can think but even when a guy would swear to all he holds holy that he’d never, ever, get with some dude, yeah, I’ve seen their situation with women get so bad that they feel they have no other choice but to turn to someone who will have sex with them and someone who isn’t a woman. Relationship purists would say that if they can’t get girlfriend to change her mind about sex, then he should just leave her and try again with someone else and not hurt her by cheating with anyone else… and while they’re right, um, I’m not sure they really understand what’s going on here, that if a guy can wind up in that situation with a woman, he can leave her, find another woman and, at some point, wind up in that same situation again. No, cheating, such as it is, isn’t right but the reality of it all is that when you need something you’re not getting from your partner – but you don’t want to break up with them – the act of desperation is to find a willing guy and have sex with him and, sometimes, because (a) it’s better than not having sex at all and (b) is way better than spending day after day beating your meat in search of some satisfaction – and finding none at all.
I get it that a woman’s mindset is that if you’re with her, she’s all you’re ever gonna need and that’s a good thing… as long as she’s willing and able to give a man that which he needs. But when she doesn’t, can’t, or won’t – and then can’t really explain why the sex has dried completely up – well, from a man’s point of view, that’s a problem and it’s still a problem even if we’re able to understand why she won’t fuck us.
It’s a motherfucker to be that desperate that you’re willing to change your sexuality because no other solution is viable…