Once, I was getting busy with a guy and he’s in me and doing what I thought was a good job of nicely fucking me when he said, “We shouldn’t be doing this…”
His comment snatched me out of that happy place and I said, “Say what?” before I even realized I was going to say the words. What the fuck is this guy talking about? Okay, yeah… we’re not supposed to like having sex with each other but if he really and truly believed that we shouldn’t be doing this, then we wouldn’t have started doing it… and he wouldn’t still be fucking my ass nicely while he’s telling me that we shouldn’t be doing this… right?
“This is just wrong,” he said, his strokes slowing down… but he’s still fucking me.
“You didn’t think it was wrong when I had my dick in your ass,” I pointed out; I’m a bit miffed because he’s raining on the parade and all that.
“No… that was okay,” he said, continuing to move inside me… and now I’m finding it very weird to be on my stomach, his dick nice and hard and in my ass and we’re having this conversation. I wanted to turn to fully face him but, uh, I couldn’t exactly do that with him lying atop me and despite it raining buckets, um, his dick felt nice right where it was.
“So what’s wrong here?” I asked. “Did you decide that you like it more on the receiving end?”
“Oh, no,” he said – I could somehow tell he was smiling even though I couldn’t really see his face. “Fucking you is feeling very good!”
“So…?” I prompted, doing my best to contain my growing irritation.
“I dunno… I just feel that we shouldn’t be doing this, that’s all,” he said right before I felt his cock get bigger in my ass and then felt it pumping away as he unloaded into me. I was unhappy because I should have been deliriously happy to feel him busting a nut inside me. He pulled out and got off me, allowing me to finally turn and face him and ask, “So what the hell was that all about?”
He never really did answer me and I wound up leaving with many more questions in my mind. I’d had a lot of guys get to the moment of truth, only to have their conscience decide for them that, nah, maybe they shouldn’t do this. I’d had a few guys finish what we started and Guilt is now jumping up and down on them something fierce and they’ve said, “Damn, we shouldn’t have done that!” or some variant thereof. But this was the first time I’d had a guy tell me, in the middle of having sex, (a) that we shouldn’t be doing this and (b) he’s still doing what he said we shouldn’t be doing and, yeah, it was doing a number on me and more so since he declined to explain any further than he did; to say his answer was inadequate would be a very gross understatement.
Another time, I’m happily sucking away on a guy’s dick and he blurts out, “Oh, God… I know I shouldn’t like this but it feels so fucking good!” Another time, the guy who said he wanted to suck me told me, before the fact, that he knew he shouldn’t want to suck my dick… but he was gonna do it anyway… and he did… and it was pretty damned good… but then he said that he hated himself for wanting to blow me but he enjoyed every minute of it.
Say what? Is this crazy talk or what? Indeed, it does sound pretty crazy; common sense kinda says that if you know you shouldn’t do something, then you shouldn’t do it… right? If nothing else, stuff like this says that when you’re horny and having sex in the way you want to have it, common sense isn’t invited to the party – leave it and your intellect at the door, get naked, and let’s do this thing and if necessary, sort it out after everything’s said and done. And maybe, just maybe, there really is a conflict in progress; there isn’t a bi guy anywhere who doesn’t know what the rules say about two dudes having sex (as far as I know) and our minds aren’t beyond reminding us of those rules even though we’re in the middle of trashing said rules… but that “reminder” has enough oomph behind it to make a guy give voice to the rule?
I’ve never really figured it out. I’ve had guys tell me, “I don’t feel right doing this…” and I’ve done the right thing and have asked them if they want to stop, only for them to say that they didn’t. See, doing whatever, feeling bad about it, and decided to stop doing stuff because you feel bad about it makes more sense to me than doing it, feeling bad about it, have the option to stop… and stopping is out of the question. The first one’s easy to figure out – but the second hasn’t been.
Now, ya might be wondering why this is even important to begin with. I’ve thought that figuring this out is key to (a) figuring out my own sexual behaviors with men and (b) understanding these nuances in other men. As with such things, figuring out being bi isn’t just about what you do; things often boil down to why we do this or that and what, if anything, is going on in our minds when we’re doing something and more so if there’s something running around in the background that could serve to take what should be a pleasurable sexual experience and turn it into anything other than that – and that’s just not a fun thing.
That and since there are so many people who say they don’t understand bisexual males, well, here’s some information for you from actual bi guy experiences that aren’t wrapped up in theory. There’s probably no definitive answer to why some guys behave like this – is it some kind of guilt or just a not-so-friendly reminder from the moral part of our consciousness that two guys shouldn’t have sex with each other and, gasp, enjoy doing it, too?