…and after comments from Rougedmount and Cityman (thank you both!), it occurred to me when they mentioned a struggle to speak a little more about that first epiphany I had. Like I said to them, it wasn’t much of a struggle – the things I realized were a shock to my sensibilities – well, what sensibilities I had being 14 – and it made me think and put it all into perspective. I had the wherewithal to be able to do that in two days of some of the most intense thinking I’ve ever done but still with the presence of mind to understand that I had a lot to learn and, well, I learned it and I’m still learning despite the passage of time.
I got to thinking that some folks who might read what I wrote could see my thought processes and the conclusions I came to as being way off the beaten path and accept a sexual behavior and even sexual situations that society finds distasteful and immoral. As I’ve said whenever I talk about my beginnings in this, it wasn’t like I didn’t know that I wasn’t supposed to be getting jiggy with – I’ll say – boys and girls, that sex of any kind was to be avoided until I was deemed old enough to accept the responsibilities; I knew it and after my very first experience, questioned it; I can still remember the look on my father’s face when I asked him, “If sex is so bad, why do people like doing it so much?”
You can accurately guess that I spent some time in my room for asking that one… and he never did answer the question.
But, um, yeah – I found the answer to the question… and found it in spades, too, because I was able to answer the question of why boys aren’t supposed to have sex with each other. As an adult, yep, I can very easily find a whole lot of things that could be deemed wrong about it, from the religious to the social… but I didn’t know then what I know now. I saw, even at my age at the time, that people either dived right into sex and had themselves a field day… or they had reason to avoid it like the plague so just knowing that I was doing some shit that (a) I wasn’t supposed to be doing, (b) doing it like I had lost my mind and, (c) doing it before I was supposed to and in ways I shouldn’t have been doing it was such a fucking rush I can’t even begin to describe it. Yeah, I dodged a a whole ammo dump of bullets and I realized that then and now and all I can do is metaphorically wipe my forehead and say, “Whew!” because unlike some of my peers, I didn’t get into trouble and, really, the only black mark was when I got drugged and raped – and I saw where that was more my fault; I should have been smarter but I wasn’t and, as I’ve said, it wasn’t like I didn’t get a measure of revenge – which also taught me something about myself that was more disturbing than my love of pussy and dick.
But, I’d guess that when I had that epiphany, I had reached a tipping point where I became very much aware of what I’d been doing and without giving it much thought and I had to do something about it and since I had the tools at hand to handle the job, I grew up even more, absorbing all the information I could get my hands on. I learned that, nope, I wasn’t weird for wanting to do the nasty with boys and girls; I wasn’t the first and I sure as hell wasn’t going to be the last; I learned all the religious stuff forbidding such things, became more aware of how homosexuals were being treated socially – and if you think homosexuals have it bad now, today’s homosexuals would not have wanted to be around in 1969, believe me. I not only got an early wake-up call to sex, I got one about the world I’d been born into.
Should anyone feel sorry for me that I got jump-started into the realms of sex and sexuality? Nah, not really although I do appreciate such sentiments. Did I struggle with it? Again, no – not really; I had more of a struggle trying to figure out whether I was really gay or not and it took me a couple of years to get answer to that one! Figuring out that whole religious thing gave me a headache because when it comes to sex and sexuality, that “do as I say and because I said so” thing just doesn’t fly with everyone but even that wasn’t what I’d call a struggle; it was harder finding something for my headache. Did I have a terrible childhood? Not even! I just had some… stuff added to my childhood that made it a lot more interesting, if nothing else. Hell, I knew kids who hadn’t made the, um, discoveries I’d made who had much worse childhoods…
Can I be seen as being brave or courageous to talk about this? I guess… someone has to do it. We see sex and sexuality as moral problems and, as such, we tend to turn a blind eye to the truth – the nature of the beast and all that. There is more to this shit that we’re willing to admit and it can shame us so much that we’re more than willing to accept the lie that (a) children don’t have sex before they grow up and (b) boys don’t have sex with each other. We like to believe that “if” this happens, it’s always a bad thing… and that’s not the whole truth, not as I’ve come to understand it. There’s the way things in this are supposed to be… and then there’s the reality that says that when it comes to these things, we have pretty much always had our heads up our respective asses. Boys do have sex with other boys, always have, always will and, you’re damned right, sometimes they find out about this despite the efforts to make sure they never find out.
I remember talking to another bi guy about all the adult cock I sucked… and he automatically labeled me as a victim. Yep, sure… by the time I had this conversation, I knew all too well that I really had no business wanting to suck their dicks or allow them to fuck me in the ass and I pointed out to him that the operative words were “wanting to” or otherwise being more than gung-ho about it. Did I know I shouldn’t have done it? Sure did! Did I know I should have ratted them out? Yep, I should have… doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t. When he asked why I didn’t, I told him the truth: I wanted to do it. Now, he felt that I wasn’t old enough to make such a decision, that I just had to have been forced into it and just refused to believe me when I told him that I was never forced to do it; his position echoed what most people think about such things, right? And even that mindset didn’t change the fact that I was making such decisions and with a great deal of glee. He told me that I was crazy – and I admitted that, yeah, in that period of time, I was pretty fucking crazy about it and because I was having so much fun having sex – period.
Despite it all, my friend, it really comes down to what I learned from all of this… and I learned a lot of shit and the most important thing I learned was not to let any of what I did seriously fuck with me because I realized that if I were to let it fuck my head up, that would have been a lot worse than the things I was doing and it must have worked because every psychological test I’ve ever taken says that I’m well-adjusted, level-headed, and pretty much okay. I’m just the guy who sees the need to talk about these things… because no one else really wants to. I know I’m not the exception to the rule; there are a lot of guys who’ve experienced similar things as I did and they’re quite okay; likewise, yeah, I know there are many others who aren’t all that okay… but I’m not one of them – I can’t ever allow myself to be one of them.
Cityman said, at the end of his much-appreciated comment, “…thanks for the raw bit of honesty. It helps the rest of us to process our own experiences…” and this is exactly why I dare to talk about this. Yeah, some of it is about my ongoing process of making sure that I am as okay as I believe myself to be… but I also know that there are a great many men – people, really – who may have reason to do some processing about their experiences and maybe – just maybe – can find reason not to feel badly about themselves, that if they experienced similar things, that doesn’t mean it’s the end of world for them. My experiences are a very cold slap in the face; the things we think aren’t supposed to happen at an early age do happen and they don’t always turn out as being as horrible as we think they should be.
Okay… back then, I bitch-slapped myself for being so damned easy and I fixed that and maybe even before I really got myself into some kind of trouble… but even after I fixed it, it didn’t stop me from being bisexual because I learned that this is way I wanted to be. Despite what some folks think, I could have changed directions and just settled for being straight – and it’s not as if I never thought about that option… but where’s the fun in that? As I got older and engaged in periodic self-checks on myself, I’d readily agree that things shouldn’t have happened the way they did… but that never changed the fact that, well, that’s how it all went down. I’m not sorry that it did… and you shouldn’t be either.